ivankiss

Hoping to avoid those, but yes, I get what you mean. Thanks.

It doesn't mean I do not feel heart - broken over this or any other separation that's yet to come... It doesn't mean I am closed off from any new connections... It doesn't mean I am cowardly hiding in my shell, afraid to step out, or let anyone in... It doesn't mean I am incapable of forming and nurturing long - lasting relationships. It's that I value those very deeply, and I know I can only afford a couple of truly good ones. The path that I walk does not allow me to be too close to many, it seems. At least not yet. Names of those who share a part of this journey with me are carved into my heart. Our time spent together, our shared experiences, thoughts and feelings, battles and lessons, are of the utmost significance to me. I cherish all those times deeply and honestly. And it is precisely because of this deeply rooted truth, this honesty, this authenticity... that I know I must move on. No matter how painful and devastating... I know I must cut the cords. I have no other choice. It is tragic, it is beautiful and everything in - between. I cannot lie... I feel like I need a reason to justify my ways; explain and clarify why I must go on alone... But it all comes down to this knowing inside. I just know I must go down this road. A road that I know all too well. It gets lonely, yes, it does. Don't let anyone lie to you that loneliness isn't real. It fucking is and its claws grip tightly. But it is a beast that can be tamed. It is bound to pass and disappear, sooner or later. As all else. All else... but me. Only I stay. Everything else is just passing by. I am my own. I stand alone.

Wanna hear a funny story? So, I have been dating this super hot Russian girl for the past year and a half, right... She's not 'awake' or into spirituality, personal development or anything like that. She's super smart and highly educated, but does not see past those limitations. It could be said that she's as hardcore stage orange as it gets. So yeah, our relationship was challenging - to say the least - as I'm sure you can imagine. Point is, we've been living together in the middle of nowhere all this time. She had her circle of friends (that I could not resonate less with) and I was more or less committed to hardcore isolation, working on my life purpose, etc. I rarely ever went out with her group... And then, a few days ago, out of nowhere... she comes home with this utter disbelief on her face and says to me that she met a girl who is just like me. She said she spoke about the same concepts, used similar words and phrases, described similar experiences, etc. It's as if she was listening to one of my nondual ramblings - she said. She was excited, intimidated, and more. I was surprised too - to say the least. An awakened being, somewhere here by, in the middle of nowhere? - I thought to myself. That's fucking epic. But also... who gives a shit. Never met the girl myself. Probably won't either. Don't feel at a loss.

Sounds great. We'll be in touch.

Where do you live? Of course. Yes, very well said. Of course. Had lots of and all kinds of friends, up until a few years ago when it all kind of cleared up on its own. 2-3 people remained... those are all 10-15+ yr old friendships. Strong and meaningful. But not too active. They are all spread around.

Right in the childhood! Feeling your sting down inside me, I'm not dying for it! I stand alone!

Amsterdam Sure I'll be fine. Again, it's not about me not being able to make friends... its about who and what has to be left behind... Being brave enough to step into the unknown all alone.

Moving to a new country within a few days, so I kind of have no choice. Must seek out new connections. I am not closed of to those, but I also understand why some must come to an end.

It takes a lot of light, love and wisdom for one to be able to appreciate the beauty of 'darkness'. Most would turn tail. Only a very few rare badass motherfuckers dare to stare their demons directly in the eye. 'Hell' is not a place, somewhere bellow the earth's crust, obviously. It is a state of being. As is heaven too. Hopefully we're all on the same page with that. It is a duality that exists within all beings. Or, to be even more precise, within the one, infinite being. How can there be two if there is really, truly only one - you ask? In a sense, that is precisely where hell begins. 'Where there is one you're bound to divide it right in two' You cannot avoid pain and suffering on this journey. If you think you can, you're in for a rude awakening. It will hurt - I assure you. I'd like to be of assistance, in any way I can. I like to think of myself as someone who knows his way around here... I am a frequent visitor in Hell. No jokes. Sometimes for purging purposes, sometimes out of curiosity, other times out of ignorance and spite... Both deliberately, willingly and on purpose... and completely against my will. I've learned a thing or two during my time 'down here'. Does it compliment my overall spiritual and personal progress and evolution? Fuck yes. You bet it does. There is a certain kind of wisdom and depth you can 'gain' only from walking through pure fire. Fire that burns within you, at all times. I am willing to answer any questions related to Hell from a 'nondual' or 'God - consciousness' angle - if you will. I am not interested in any religious discussions and debates. To set the tone, here's one of hell's favourite tunes: We rock out to this down here all the time. It's about priests raping babies. We find it absolutely beautiful. You know, spreading awareness about the dark n shit... It's art! Might be difficult for you to understand, but this kind of music actually calms our inflated nerves and makes us feel happy in our pants. God bless.

Both. It's what I live for. Makes me feel smaller than a grain of sand, bigger than the entire Universe, and everything in between. I love it.

'Hell' affects you on all levels of being. You will be in mental, emotional and physical pain, to various degrees. It alters your perception, your sense of self, sense of others, your environment, everything... It is a natural, spontaneous occurrence. Aspects of 'the shadow' can come into the light of awareness at any given moment. Life happens, something triggerers you, etc. You can also meditate on the matter, of course, and willingly go digging for shit, hunting your demons down, etc. Music is an extremely powerful tool that can be used to face and transform all kinds of nasty crap. That's my go - to.

Very broad... Obviously, lots of important lessons... But, here's a few on the top of my head: - Respect your shadow. No matter how in charge you feel, your shadow is always just a step behind you and it absolutely possesses the power to completely demolish you. Do not fuck around with the darkness within you, it is much, much stronger and smarter than you think. - Insights and realizations can quickly turn into prison cells. No matter how deep and profound the insight, or how earth - shattering the realization... if you're not careful, if you cling to it too much and turn it into a belief... you're going to find yourself trapped. You will burn, sooner or later. True liberation requires the letting go of all insights and realizations. Even the highest ones. Especially those. - I am the fire that burns within. I AM HELL. Yes, it's all me. Or all you... however you wanna see it... One must recognize the darkness within them and accept it as a part of themselves. And that's anything but easy. If it's easy, you're not doing it right... All the nastiness and cruelty that you can and cannot imagine and/or experience... is ultimately you. You are the Source of everything that is fucked up and twisted.

It's too simple. That's the problem. It's so simple, the average mind cannot access it, grasp or understand it, over all the junk and all the noise that's going on in it. What do you do with a machine that uses garbage as fuel? You do not stop feeding it all together. That would backfire in ways you cannot even imagine... No. You feed it less and less toxic poisons. You give it less and less garbage. It's like intermittent reinforcement, in reverse lol. Like trying to get a junkie off of heroin. You feed the mind less toxic concepts... you keep gradually increasing the purity of those... until you're basically feeding it air. Nothing. You must go through all the mindfuckery before you're able to access the simplicity of truth and abide in it. You must devour concepts like dimensions, planes, parallel realities, dmt elves, alien squirrels, spirit guides, selves no selves, will no will, all that jazz. It will all seem very real and valid at that point. And from that limited point of view, it will be. But all of that is only preparing you to be able to see and step into the true simplicity of conscious beingness. All of that stuff is just meant to exhaust the machine... slow it down... Enough that it becomes receptive of Light. Enough that it stops asking for complexity in order to satisfy its hunger. Enough that it tastes the sweetness and power of simplicity, emptiness, silence. Enough for it to surrender. Very simple, right?

Zone of paradox, but the answer is being.

Nothing I or anyone else can actually tell you.

Thanks guys. All the best. Very creative

@Dodo Not really... I might like weed and sex a bit too much, but I'm not a party animal or anything like that. I do not avoid pain and suffering at all, in fact, I might be a bit too used to it. I have more of a martyr/messiah complex going on.

Wow, look at this, something I actually resonate with here...

It is not a 'what'. Anything you put on it and call it that would be a label, a limitation. It would imply certain characteristics/qualities. It would mean it is this, but not that. Which it isn't. It just is.

No. If we are talking what actually exists, it is existence itself. Being, consciousness. Saying it's 'nothing' is just a fancy, spiritual way of pointing towards the infinite.

Nothing by definition does not exist. But it's a cool pointer.

You are always and forever just a step behind NOW. Never quite catching its tail. No matter how mindful and present you are, you are never perceiving reality in real time. Not actually. And that is because of a little something called 'perceptual latency'. Perceptual latency is the time it takes for sensory information to be processed by the mind and become consciously perceived. It can vary depending on the specific sensory modality and the complexity of the stimulus. Even though it is extremely brief, it still means that there is a delay between the occurrence of a sensory stimulus and your conscious perception of it. As a result, your perception of the world is always slightly lagging behind the actual events happening around you. While the delay may be minuscule, it's enough to suggest that your perception of reality is never truly instantaneous or in 'real time'. Your very senses, that you use to perceive the world with, are directly stopping you from actually being here and now. To be fully here and now requires a complete dissolution of the 5 human senses. Yes, death. Lol.

If you were to perceive everything simultaneously, everything would stand still, literally. It's not impossible, just not how we operate in our everyday lives. And even that would not be the Absolute, because there is still form that is being perceived. The only reason it seems as if one thing comes after another, one moment after another, one thought after another, etc... is because you are stuck in subject - object awareness. It's because you are jumping from one perspective to the next. You, being pure consciousness, of course.

@Davino Bro, being is infinite and cannot be perceived in its enterity, ever. To perceive is a limitation. That which is being perceived is also limited, by definition. From where I am, it's all perfectly clear. You are the one unable to see and move past certain lines, not me. You just cannot seem to be able to wrap your mind around pure isness. Pure Beingness. You are stuck in subject - object awareness, claiming it's absolute, saying there is nothing more than it. It is possible to shift from perceiving to purely being. Instead of seeing the chair in front of you... being the chair, and everything else, of course. Perception is never truly now, only being is. Deal with it.

@Dodo Fair point. Especially if we are talking about living everyday mundane life. You need your senses for that, obviously. However, in my experience, or better yet, in not my non - experience (lololol) in pure Light, in God - consciousness, if you will, there is no perception. The 5 human senses indeed completely dissolve, and idk for others, but for me it wasn't exactly a pleasant experience - to say the least. @Davino False. Even your average new age hippy knows that perception is illusory/illusion. 'Veil of perception'