Azrael

Yip, I live in Berlin. The city of dreams. Just kidding. No, I never went to a real retreat. I am looking forward to do that in the future a lot more. But I just do it with myself. And I can visit Zen dojos if I want to every day. I had such a messy mind myself for a long period of time, still have it sometimes. But basically it's a lot more relaxed now. Find out first that you have no power at all to change what you think. Investigate that until you have thoughts coming up w/o the sensation of talking to yourself sub-vocally. When that happened the first time to me, it was breath-taking. It was in a meditation after I watched Leo's "Free Will" video. Will never forget this day. From then on it kinda cooled itself down a lot because I just now that if I try to change it in any way, it's just a thought plus another thought carrying the sensation of I.

Yep, you can do that. It's amazing. You will just see your intuition do all the talking. It feels like being heavily in flow. I meditate 1 hour per day. If I have time I do another hour in the evening or sometimes I do little retreats with 3-4 hours a day.

Nope, intense mindful looking is still putting this "clear and undistorted view" on top of what you really perceive. Ask yourself why you can't hold that undistorted view more than a few seconds. If you really want to develop being-perception find that which is not changing in every situation. Go through life and compare all kinds of situations, all perceptions, feelings and thoughts and look for the constant notion that is always there. Then merge with that. Took me a good year to be able to find and do that. But you will get to the point where the color of your vision, the sound of everything and every sense in general amplifies like it's ridiculous. It's like you're creating a world every moment that is way to astonishing. If you really get this down, you break together and cry out of joy, it is that powerful. No kidding. So, if you really want do develop this, "Do Nothing". The rest comes by itself. You'll also come to the place where you meditate in every situation. Being becomes your new reality. It is like the background that was always there now comes into the picture.

Since birth? Who told you this? If everything you tell yourself what you are comes up in awareness, how do you want to make a statement about what awareness is, if what you think you are is a product of it? Investigate that.

Who wants to become enlightened when you ask that question? Who is this entity? Find that before you enlighten it.

Nope, dig deeper. What is present when you are fed up in thoughts, present-minded, in action, sleeping? What is constant about all these experiences?

And I think we have an understanding.

It's ultimately easy because you do it in every single moment. ... But I'm getting your point here. Let go of anything that can be achieved, anything that needs to be searched for. Let go of splitting reality in something there is and something there isn't and then look what's left.

You can have mystical states of consciousness if you meditate deeply. I had a bunch of those, still have them sometimes. For me, my vision kind of completely collapses, I feel a lot of crazy shit in my body, kind of like electricity going through it and I probably hear buzzing sounds and what not. It can get pretty wild. I would also call a DMT-Trip mystical. When you start out you probably think that this is it. That is enlightenment and you want to have these far out experiences. But that is not the case at all. These experiences can be very interesting and super cool to have and maybe also point to the present moment more directly, but if you look for enlightenment, don't get trapped. There is a reason why you get beaten with a stick in Zen when you get into a trance. They want you to experience the here and now completely as it is. And maybe that's the point to start.

I think you are a little bit lost in your head. You still suffer the illusion that there are many different things putting this "reality" together, including a lot of dumb but functioning matter and something brilliant like your mind that has thoughts and stuff. This is all nice for theory, but take a step back. What is there when are silent for a moment and look with your eyes open? Feel in your body. What makes you sure that this very moment exists? Feel that out. Now take this feeling that you exist in this very moment and be with that a little bit. Try to get together with that and let it open up to yourself. What happens? What is really there? Are there a lot of dumb functional things, formally defined, that create 99% of your reality and you are stuck in that with your never-ending thoughts or is there a notion that at least as you can feel it for now intuitively seems to be the root of this moment, so to speak. Is this holding your moment together? Do all the other things arise from that? Investigate that.

You are still looking at the colorful painting in the picture to find its white canvas. Its even there when the mind talks, when you are completely distracted, in fear, love, high or even dead-tired. Look for a notion that is there in all activities. What stays the same when all of your senses (including thoughts and feelings) change? What is always there and let's all these "colorful manifestations of reality" arise in every moment? Just compare for some time a lot of different moments and look for that. It takes some awareness to see it, but you can definitely develop that.

Sometimes a meditation inspires me deeply or made me realize new perspectives, then I probably think about that after it. But I have no procedure. I just go on. At some point I just realized that it doesn't make a difference whether I try to get into a deep meditative state, try to realize whatever or try to get enlightened. You are there where you want to be. And when you find this never-changing notion that lets reality exist and get in contact with that again, all the neurotic behaviors go by themselves. I needed year to understand that. The problem with trying to get something out of meditation is this: With that kind of mindset you will never get it. Because ask yourself this: When will be the point when you will be there? What must happen? You want to experience hardcore spiritual experiences, reality breaking into pieces right before you? You can have such things with meditation. I had this. And this will still not enlighten you. You think its something like that. But it is that, that allows the super-spiritual experience and the super-bored just sitting around experience to arise. Find that, and you don't have to chase anything anymore. Cheers to you,

Keep on. You basically grow your awareness with self-inquiry or "Do Nothing" and this by definition will present you new perspectives on this as you go on. Try to be that notion that experiences this moment, independent of what you are experiencing. Whether your thoughts come up, vision comes up, emotions - there is a notion that constantly lets these things appear. You can feel it when you ask "Who am I?" and just be there for a moment. Investigate that. That what is always there.

Thanks, that gives me a lot of perspective. I thought it would be that way but I was shocked how hellish it can be. Thanks a lot, @Ayla.

If you have an enlightenment experience on acid or w/o you don't have to ask that question anymore, trust me.

Yep, I did the "detach from your thoughts"-technique Leo described in his earlier meditation video for 1-2 months. Then I mainly did self-inquiry for 2-3 months and when Leo made the "Do Nothing" and "Strong Determination Sitting" videos I started practicing these techniques together and haven't stopped, because they brought and still bring me the most success / inner peace / understanding of my own nature. I sometimes try out other techniques, recently I did a lot of Zazen breath-counting. But my local dojo told me that's an distraction and I should just do nothing. And, I gotta say they are right. If you really want to break through with inner peace, spirituality and master your life, sit yourself in front of the wall and make a commitment to do this daily for the rest of your life. Every other thing your minds tries to convince you to do, mostly is a distraction I figured out for myself. You don't need a technique to get somewhere. You need some non-doing. You are where you want to be altogether. And "Do Nothing" makes you realize that. You come very soon to a state in which this becomes your favorite thing do to. That's the case for me. I started this whole journey about a year ago. I was completely frantic, mildly depressive and completely negative-minded about everything while being pretty successful in life. That's the joke about me. If I would tell you just the facts you would've said: I'm doing more then great. But I did horrible. Basically this enlightenment journey and doing nothing brought me to a very relaxed, calm, happy and understanding place. I found a whole new game to play and I love it. This is my number one thing and I think about it and practice it in every free minute I have. And I'm progressing faster then I thought is possible. So, have fun!

Yes, completely let go. Let anything be okay and see what happens. I'm doing the "Do Nothing" technique now for 7-8 months and I'm at complete peace for most the time, meaning that I sometimes want to begin to cry because breathing alone is completing me so much in every second of my meditation. No kidding. I still have thoughts but they do just what they do and I'm okay by default. It's really beautiful - this technique. Also, during the day you will just start to detach from the drama that your thoughts bring up all the time. Like the "all or nothing" situations that are presented to you a lot - and are bullshit over-exaggerations most of the time.

Check out hypnosis. This can bring you far back in your childhood.

In my own opinion and foremost my own experience, I'd clearly say: No. I suffered from this kind of behavior a lot for I'd say 3-5 years and I completely cured it. Didn't stop it completely, but turned it into something better. But before I go into what I did, I just wanna mention this: You still suffer from the illusion that there are two of you in your head. Your evil shit-shatting mind and your very noble, well-intentioned other half that tries to get rid of his annoying little brother. Realize that. Meditate on that. That's the root. Also, notice that you will never get completely rid of a over-stimulated mind that talks and re-talks certain situations. It's way to good prep-work for your mind to do that in certain cases, and that's okay. Just yesterday I was surprised by a little job review via phone and after that little but very serious talk my mind shattered all kind of elaborations and what not to itself. That's okay. It needs to prep for the real ride here. But maybe as you read my answer right now, you get the idea of how to cure that: You wanna be okay with your mind doing that. Don't try to get away from it with counting. Won't help. You are not in charge of deciding that thoughts come up. Give it up. What you can do and what I did to successfully come over this kind of neurotic behavior is just to smile innerly and let it happen. Give it all your attention and jut lay back and be astonished by this amazing talk you have with yourself. Even fire it up with some provocative opinions. Why does this work? Ask yourself, how long do your sincerely talk to somebody who doesn't take you seriously. This at first is maybe a little counter-intuitive because you normally try the exact opposite - to get away. But you can't. That's the point. You are not in charge. Get this in your head, that's really important. And then just do nothing and enjoy the ride. It will chose to go away on its own because it notices itself that it seems not to be that important - because no one is resisting it. So, I hope that helps. For me, that freed me a lot. Cheers,

I tend to hear this noise a lot in deep meditation. It comes with extreme hallucinations and in general in phases in which the meditation gets pretty heavy. I also had it with spiritual experiences. I don't think it means anything and it is just a kind of auditory hallucination, like the visuals that can come up through meditation. You are jut shining your consciousness on itself so much that a lot of strange shit is happening. So, I'd just take it and relax. Appreciate it, maybe use it to get even deeper. For me, I also feel this noise a lot in my ears ringing, not just hear it. It's a very strange experience. In the moment I thought that my consciousness / brain waves begin to resonate with something so deeply that I can feel it. But that's just a thought. Probably it's just a hallucination. Cheers

I don't have a strategy, I chose to allow myself everything I want to. I chose to be a mean asshole when I am, I chose to be a loving kind person when I am and I chose to be apathetic from all of this when I'm facing the wall - sitting for hours in silence. I have days in which you would call me a bad, manipulative - fuck yourself too - kind of person and I have days in which you would praise me. I chose to not interfere with this anymore. I still have some neurosis left - probably a lot more than "some" - that makes exactly that what I just told you to a strategy to attain enlightenment and free myself. That is the last "problem". I went from seeking it badly - as you are - trying to do as much to grind away the layers of ego and really "get in there" to a kind of seeking by not seeking it anymore. You gotta see that this is still a phase and I will eventually come to the point where I just give it up sincerely and in that moment it will happen. Now, this is nothing you could ever attain with meditation, with no spiritual teaching, no framework no nothing. This will just come when it's ready to come. Before that, I just play this current role and enjoy the moments I see this attitude begin to fall off. Cheers to you,

The first time I was able to experience my thoughts in real time, meaning that a thought comes by and I have not the sensation of actually saying that thought sub-vocally but just watching it, needed a good year of every day meditation, lot's of one hour strong determination sits and so on. This is not as easy to achieve right away. You'll need to build the awareness first and this takes some work. Just go on. Even now, I sometimes experience it and other times (most of the time) I'm still completely identified.

Look at your last sentence in the quote here, there you got a very clear answer to what you really want. Later in your post you describe it in detail what you really wanna do. To your specific situation I'd say this: I don't know you but it seems to me that you put yourself into a all or nothing situation here that isn't needed at all and adds additional pressure to the situation that wouldn't have to be there in the first place. If your current job really is so hard on you, use all of your spare time in the next 2-4 weeks and get a new one. I'm serious, use all resources. Even if you have to chose something that isn't your main profession but pays the bills for now, do that. It's way better to work in a boring, shitty job that pays the bills (for now) than work yourself into depression and being completely mixed up. If you have a different job that pays the bills I'd suggest you do the following thing: Going with nature, abandoning society is really possible and a lot of fellows have done it before. Now, as you have a more relaxed job use at least 1-2 hours a day to research how to get out of society and into nature. I'm sure there are books on the topic, a lot of blogs etc. Go research and take lots of notes. Than you want to carefully design a plan to execute your will here. Meaning, first I'd take like a 2 week holiday spending it in an environment you'd like to live and really see if this is something for you. Interview people on the topic etc. Find out if that is really what you want. And finally, live your dream. I'd say if you take the next 6 months to plan this out and make little tests to see if this is the right thing, that can be totally possible. 6 months working for your dream life is nothing, compared to living in hell for ever. Cheers to you!

I don't know man. Maybe nature just likes to dance and we happen to be the thing that thinks it dances and is really something different from the world providing the space to dance. And some dancers like to think that this is really it and others play the game that this is all a game and one needs to awaken out of the game. ... and maybe that's just all philosophical bullshit. You tell me! Cheers

Monkey mind isn't bad to have, could just be that you purge a lot of shit out of your system. I wouldn't recommend to increase your time yet. I'd say 90 minutes is pretty ambitious for 6 months. If you are completely cool with that and think you can do that for the rest of your life, stay with it. Else, go down to 60 minutes and hammer that time span away. If you can stay with strong determination sits, it's probably the most powerful technique out there, but you maybe want to combine it with a few others to see which technique really does the job for you. I did strong determination sits I'd say 8 months with "Do Nothing" and it worked like a charm. Before that I did it with self-inquiry. In between I experimented with a few mindful meditations but I'm not the guy for that. Labeling and that stuff drives me nuts in like 5 minutes in. Then I found out about Zazen and this is what I do right now with strong determination sits. You basically count your out-breaths from one to ten all the time and sit very erect and still. So yeah, try a few techniques and you'll see very soon which one does the trick for you. And remember, even if you have 90 minutes monkey mind. It is the best you can do in that moment and from that point of view a perfect meditation. Cheers,