Azrael

You'll probably always feel something when you do it, but yeah I'd guess that if you enlightened yourself through MeO there will be a time at which it won't affect you that much anymore. But of course, if you go nuts and do like 100mg you'll probably just black out.

I guess 10-15 breakthrough-trips. But this will take a year at least if not two. After my first breakthrough I had and still have to integrate the experience, it's that big. It's completely nuts. But great. I haven't attained anything. I have lost everything.

"When you make a statement about the nature of reality that contains no paradox, you are still concerned with making one side of reality win over the other." Nope, it's illogical. Look at the content once again. I say when you make a logical statement, it can never be true in an existential sense. In the language of logic this is still false because you can never describe something with logic that goes beyond it.

I am more aware in sleep now. Meaning, I am aware of having thoughts while I sleep (that generally happens when you first go to sleep or are about to wake up) and I am much more aware of my dreams. Like, I cannot remember a day in the last 30 days without having a very deep, visual dreams.

I think the next year will bring about some serious changes in me (as did this year as well). With the experiences I had so far (especially the breakthrough) I cannot imagine a scenario how you could breakthrough like 10 times and not be seriously opened psychologically. Just doesn't make any sense to me. So yeah, it's gonna be great.

Do shrooms first. Then when you're more experienced do a little MeO (w/o Kola nut). Then work yourself up and see whether you need Kola Nut or not.

Yeah, the way they use the word "magic pill" it's all right, because it seems to be like magic because it does the job so good. But that's just a name. It would be real magic if it would get you fully enlightened (like a Zen master practicing for 40 years), change your whole character and being for ever with no work on your side whatsoever. That's magic. By instantly seeing your infinite nature it pops open the shit in your brain (like sticky residues in a machine) and then the shit will purge out in the time after the experience + some of the shit will get instantly die in the experience because of its explosive and transforming nature.

This will go or get deeper and then go. Depending on how much shit you have in your system and how much you cleaned out so far / how deep the trip was this can last from a week with a little discomfort (I had the very same symptom for 1 1/2 months with some deeper and some smoother phases) to 6 months of a deep existential crisis. Depending on who you are. Remember: MeO doesn't cut your journey short, it just boosts it so that you have to deal with it in less time. It's an amplifier, not magic. But once you're through, welcome to another phase of deep motherfuckin' peace. You can't really do nothing to get out of it. You have to go through it and let it take over. It will be hard sometimes. But that's the way. Good luck.

Sooo, boys and girls. I had a quite interesting year and I thought I sum it up in this post, so you can benefit from my lessons and have some fun reading. Plus I'll probably share a little forecast in which direction I currently take my spiritual journey. I'll take the major topics and hindrances I faced this year and illustrate them a little bit and cut all of the uninteresting shit. So it goes like this ... +++ Existential Crisis +++ If I had to sum up my whole spiritual journey this year with one phrase, it would probably be that: an existential crisis. A complete brain-fuck and wrapping every one of my world-views inside out. It's kind of interesting, I started my meditative journey in early April 2015 and for most of that year and the first two months of 2016 it just gave me lots ad lots of typical benefits. I would be way more calmer, I stopped biting my finger nails, I stopped smoking, I had my first clarity experiences, I was very pumped up to do my meditation etc. etc. Then in early 2016 I watched @Leo Gura's Free-Will-video and meditated after it one the question: "What is going to happen next?". And in this meditation a strange shift happened. It was a very physical kind of opening (like literally a popping in my head) and from then I could consciously conceive that there are thoughts that I consciously formulate and there are thoughts that just come up and fill up the space. From this day on, my whole life should begin to change. In the next 4 months I had the deepest experiences of fear, anxiety, helplessness, depression, falling apart etc. etc. that I ever had in my life. Besides that, I had the deepest realizations I had so far on my journey, 3-4 deep awakening experiences that always were surrounded with 1-2 weeks of total bliss and then an even deeper amount of existential crisis than I experienced it before. It all ended in early August I guess, right after I had my first Kundalini awakening in late July. This was one of the strangest things I ever experienced and at the time I didn't even knew what it was. I found out 1-2 months later here on the forum and then through research, that what I experienced was a Kundalini awakening. Now, this whole phase was extremely strenuous. I had weeks and months in which I would wake up and be bombarded from second one with tremendous and ridiculous thoughts. In my daily meditation it would even get worse and make me completely crazy. I had a few sits I had to end after about 40 minutes because it was too hard. I had phases in which when I went outside I felt any kind of distress another person carries around amplified times a thousand in my own body with awful thoughts screaming at me. Why did all of this happen? Well, I was bullied when I was about 12-14 years old for doing shitty rap music and I have some regular deficiencies and problems most of us have. If you wanna get out of the trap, you'll have to cut every single one of these bindings to the world. And you have to let go of your shadow. And that's not a pretty process. I had 2 times I seriously thought about suicide, because it was that hard. Funnily, right after these times I had even deeper awakenings. But well, if you go through such a phase yourself (and you will more than one time probably on your journey) go back to this post and see you are not alone. It's natural and its very good. It gives you so much strength, realization and vision. It's incredible. You come out of that as a new human being. Also, how did I went through all that w/o going completely nuts. Well, I went nuts for some time to be honest. I had times in which I wasn't sure anymore whether this is just purging or whether I'm mentally insane. I followed my intuition that said "Wait it out" and so I did. Everything was okay. I went through it. In that time I tried literally every kind of meditation technique, listened to every Alan Watts lecture multiple times, listened to tons of Rupert Spira stuff, Mooji stuff, did all sorts of things to help me out and they all did to a certain degree, but in the end I just had to take it and experience it. It's hard, and it's okay to give in in that phase and learn from it. I started smoking again for example, because I knew it would help me out here and I could stop it when I'm through and have the mental power for it. For you it might be eating some ice cream, binging on other shit. Sometimes, this is necessary. +++ Change in perspective +++ Another key change this year was my change in perspective. When I started out on my enlightenment journey the one thing I was mostly fascinated about was: "How is the day to day perspective of an enlightenment being?" Because they always say: "Well, you have it. You are it." But there still is a change that is happening, right? Why are we doing this work otherwise? Well, yeah there is a shift that happens. And it'll start to happen with your first enlightenment experiences and then slowly sink in to your day to day life over time. That's at least my experience. I can consciously recognize who i really am at every time. I can see it. And this happened with I guess my second deep enlightenment experience. From then on it stuck. And now its for me more about adjusting my whole life to it that I integrate these experiences and deepen them for the rest of my life. Because, although the simple recognition of who you are is a thing you can either see or not, all of the implications that you can draw from that to your normal life, are endless and can be deepened endlessly. And that's where the journey really begins. To name some symptoms that stuck with me since I saw: I see colors brighter than I did before. I see new patterns in what I perceive. I see a lot of the games that nature plays with itself. I see how things mutually arise and aren't caused by each other. The list goes on and on. But remember: These are just personal symptoms that came with the recognition. It's not the recognition itself. I have phases in which these symptoms will get amplified and I might tap into huge amounts of intuition. This is where the crazy shit starts. I had 3-4 times visions of events I could have never predicted that turned out the exact same way as when I saw them in a dream. I sometimes have an extremely accurate sense of time (like sitting in a meditation and being able to tell when it ends in the last 2 minutes). I have this 11:11, 10:10, 13:13 phenomena going on a daily basis sometimes 5-10 times since I guess like 6 months now. I had a few mystical encounters in meditations and dreams. And a lot of other crazy shit. I'll probably do a whole post on that in the future. I mean, you can think of that what you want, but if you have it yourself going on very frequently you start to at least see how intelligent and crazy nature is. And that your normal one-coffee-bored-consciousness is not where it ends. But yeah, my perspective changed completely this year. I recognized who I am and am now able to integrate this for the rest of my life and see where it takes me. +++ Psychedelic experiences +++ This year, I also started to experiment with psychedelics in a more spiritual and integrative way. I started using psychedelics (mostly LSD) in the summer of 2015, but in this year I did I'd say probably like 10 deep LSD trips, 10-15 DMT-trips, a few shroom trips and then of course the MeO-experiences. I also had 2 bad trips (one on LSD and one on shrooms [actually just 1 week ago]) and I found that these bad trips are the ones that do the deepest inner work and that really change your being permanently. So after some time you'll know how to handle them and use them for this. It's great. Ever since my first and last MeO-breakthrough I am still integrating the experience. I had one sober really, really deep enlightenment experience that lasted for 3-4 hours a few days after the breakthrough and a lot of what I'd call clarity experiences. Also, another round of shit came up over the weeks that I had to deal with and go through. But right now I'm pretty good and I think I can do the next experience in a few weeks (after all this x-mas and new year stuff is over). In the future I think I will mainly focus on 5-MeO-DMT, shrooms and normal DMT since I found these three substances to do the most permanent and deep healing for me. I use 5-MeO to crack the shell, shrooms to heal the wounds and integrate what is puring out and I will start with normal DMT as well again because I think the realizations you get from it will be hugely intensified through the 5-MeO. Every time I take a substance right now, whether its weed, alcohol, some party drugs or what not, I get a medium to strong MeO experience along the way, which is crazy and pretty cool. I don't know why, but it happens to be that way. Psychedelics have shown to be a huge amplifier on my own journey. It's great. +++ HoloSync And Meditation +++ Another biggy is HoloSync. I started using the Awakening Prologue in late August this year and will buy in a few days the Awakening Level 1. HoloSync boosts my daily meditation like motherfucking nuts. It's incredible. I go so much deeper. I sometimes am high from my meditation for 3-4 hours after it (sometimes the whole day). It also induces little existential crisis to integrate your shadow and it's worth its price, if you ask me. I love it. Meditation is just so much more fun with it. Try it out if you wanna boost your journey. It has also shown to help me focus, be more intuitive, more creative and just give me a better feeling throughout the whole day. I totally love it. Also, another thing I've experimented this year with are various forms of meditation. I did my standard "Do Nothing" + "Strong Determination Sitting". I use these two as my standard and then will lay other layers on top of them like doing some Tao meditations, breath meditations, counting meditations, mantra meditations. Right now I do a mix: I do my HoloSync and in the first 30 minutes I do a counting meditation and in the last 30 minutes I do a mantra meditation with the word "no-thing". I hesitated a lot to do mantra meditations because it is always connected with TM and a lot of people seem to not like it for that reason, but I found out for myself that it gives me great results. So the lesson here is: Try out a bunch of things and do the ones that work. Fuck what other people are saying. If it works for you great, do it. Engineer your own techniques. +++ Going The Whole Way +++ Well, and lastly I wanna take all this and put it in a box. I hope that if you've read that far, one thing you picked up is that I had a lot of highs and downs, a lot of trial and error, a lot of crazy shit, but that's just the journey. Was my existential crisis bad? Yeah, it was fucking nuts. But anytime right I have negative shit coming up for a few weeks I kind of laugh about it in my mind because it has no real power anymore. I know anxiety, pain, anger, loneliness, being tied to these things so deeply and intimately that they don't scare me anymore. Every thing I go through is there to let me know that the person I was always seeking and was always wanting to be, is just myself. Is just giving up the search. Giving up the "wanting to be different". And that everything I should do, comes from an inspiration that arises by itself when I rest in this calm and fulfilled state. But it takes some time to get there. It takes heavy seeking to arrive at the point where you can't seek anymore and have to give it up. It takes massive action. And even then you'll have cycle after cycle that shows you new stuff, that presents new challenges etc. etc. But along the way you'll become a master of it. You'll master yourself and you'll lose all fears and all hectic to get it done. So if you take one thing away from this post, then it is this: To become abundant, happy and fulfilled and enlightened, you have to take your neurotic being and try go get there by pushing so hard for it that you'll see at some point that you just can't keep up with the work you have to do to keep this happiness. And then you'll fall a deep, deep way to the bottom and realize that you are happy and abundant by default, that inspiration and realization happens by itself, and that action will always come and pick you up when you wait for it to arise. It'll show you the way. It always does. And you'll have the time of your life. So, go the whole way and see for yourself. There is no rush, there is no one to get there first. It's just a ride you can take if you want. Anyways, merry motherfuckin' x-mas from your silly-ass angel of death... Azrael

Your meditation is pretty deep with HoloSync. And if you do it for a few years and go through the whole program you may end up meditating like a dedicated Zen monk. But it takes time for sure. To be a real master you gotta do meditation for a way longer time. Being a master in something is not just the experience itself you have when practicing the skill, but the whole way you approach it, your history you had with it, the lessons you learned and so on. When I don't use HoloSync my meditation still is very deep. It seems like my brain just starts to induce these deeper states automatically now because I do so much HoloSync. It's pretty great.

@Afonso Do another 2 trips, one with 25mg and one with 27mg until you do the 30mg. And be safe. If you haven't done any other psychedelics before, of course you get hilarious panic attacks that overwhelm you. I had very panicky experiences with my first 2-3 doses as well, but I could always handle them because I knew it would come and I had transformational experiences with LSD and DMT before that. What's your goal here? Why do you go for MeO at all and not for shrooms? Do you think it'll enlighten you in 5 sessions and your through? Or it will kill off all of your social anxiety and make you a super human? Be careful with these kind of assumptions if you have 'em. If you haven't done some deep inner work before MeO, it'll probably let loose all of the shit that is buried inside your mind and leave you with a 6 months existential crisis to purge it out. (Which of course is great, because that way you get it all out. But are you ready for that? I doubt it.)

@Leo Gura Hey man, great post. Maybe you wanna look into Genpo Roshi's Bid Mind process if you haven't. I find it to be a good next step after one is through with his self-inquiry phase. I think you can get stuck with self-inquiry. For a lot of Westerns its a good way to really get it down that they don't know who they are but once you really had a few profound and permanent introducing enlightenment experiences, this tool will lose it's value over time. The Bid Mind process will directly induce an enlightenment experience through exploring every character you lay onto yourself and therefore separating it from your sense of self. I had a full blown temporary enlightenment experience when I watched this. But anyways, thanks for the resource. Keep it up!

Thank's for the share. I'm currently reading My Big TOE and it's a good starter for these kind of far-out things. I'll save your resource here. Sounds interesting. However, I'm very confident these days in guessing that there is way more crazy shit we don't know abut. Ever since the first MeO-breakthrough I was just shown that the idea of me having private thoughts in my own head/body and living my separate existence all by myself, is merely a hallucination. And when you make that first step outside, a whole new way of approaching and thinking about extraterrestrial things arises.

Yeah, that's true. Over time the technique will automatically do this for most time in your day. You learn to think without pushing yourself to think. You just let it come up and go again. It's pretty cool. It'll also bring up all your shit as well very quickly. So be ready for that.

Why are you trying to act selfless in the first place? Acting selfless is something that comes to you naturally when you begin to see things. And in that instant it just doesn't occur anymore to act egocentric. So, just drop that play. Give into your egoic urges with conscious awareness and see who it is that they are treating? Who is that egocentric little man behind all of these naughty things? Find out for yourself. Then, it won't even matter anymore whether you act egocentric or selfless and out of that realization you'll automatically act more selfless, in my own direct experience (and this is coming from somebody who was very egoic most of his childhood / youth).

To see from the top of the mountain, you don't take one step and then say: "Look, I told you it wouldn't change anything if I go on the mountain." When actually, you had to walk for the next 5 years up the mountain. By the way, next time just kill that motherfucker. There are better ways to progress on your journey. haha

@Afonso Have you tried other psychedelics like shrooms? I always recommend to try others first, to get good with surrendering to the experience. I myself started with MeO when I was 20, now I'm 21 (I had birthday a few days ago hehe) but I had prior sober enlightenment experiences, 1.5 years of daily meditation and 1 year of psychedelic trial and error under my belt. And all of this helped and helps with the experiment. So yeah, go inside and ask yourself whether you are ready or not. But at least try shrooms first, if you haven't. Anything else in my own opinion is stupid. I told somebody else this analogy: If you haven't tried any psychedelics and want to do MeO, it's like you wanna fly outer space w/o being willing to take a standard flying lesson first.

Yeah, it amplifies the typical shroom effects but also introduces a kind of "MeO"-flavor into the trip. It's pretty cool.

It's a different thing. It was very potent yes, but shrooms will show you how your perception works, how your unconscious works, how society evolves, how nature does its thing, it'll heal your emotional wounds, it'll heal the shit that MeO brings up (emotional stuff as well) but still ... MeO shows you God. And that's no story. No nothing. Just God.

Hahahah, it takes more than one dose of 5-MeO to get enlightened. It's true that any other psychedelics get a MeO-"flavour" and will be stronger, but the pure MeO-experience is something else. I did 3g shrooms one week after I did MeO and I had the most far "out out of body" / "out of this world" / near-death experience (maybe I'll write this up) and was shocked how deep it was. It was the MeO that boosted it.

If you want to deal with emotions do shrooms. They'll do a very good job with that. I do shrooms myself for integrating. It's a good choice. Yeah, but if you are in a rush, you still don't get it. Doing MeO won't heal all of your issues over night. It's a process (as with anything else) that takes weeks and months. And it's just very risky to do 5-MeO when you have no experiences with psychedelics. Because you have no idea what you are talking about. Not even remotely. And that's risky. So be wise here. Anyways, why are you trying to get rid of your negative emotions so fast? It will take a good 5 years at least to work through all of that, even with tons of meditation, consciousness work and psychedelics. It's not that you'll transform over night.

You are the awareness in which the notion of having a body, having thoughts, consciously feeling things, making sense out of sense perceptions etc. arises. If you ever have a near-death experience this will become crystal clear, because in the moment of dying every bit of your perception goes away but one no-thing stays and you instantly begin to recognize that you are that (if you are looking for it).

Wise decision. Also, there is no rush here. It's not like you do one hit of MeO and all of your problems vanish, you are God and nothing matters anymore. It needs time and it will bring up all of your unconscious shit you are suppressing very fast. Be sure that you can handle this. I think most can't. It's just too fast and too deep. Start with shrooms. If you do low dosages and then high dosages of shrooms you'll have the most epic experiences from which you can learn a lot. If you can handle 5-7 grams of shrooms (please don't start that high), then maybe try some regular DMT. If you can stand this, you've at least mastered the flying lesson.

Why do you want your thoughts to go away? What is so bad about having compulsive thoughts, being confused, not being able to think straight and feeling fucked up? I would say that's just fine. I would even suggest that you'll feel that maybe for at least a few years on the journey very consistently when all your shit starts to purge out of you. So you better begin to enjoy it now. Ask yourself: What is wrong with feeling that way? Then go deeper and deeper. And who is feeling bad, here? Find me the one, and I shall give him peace.

It is the mask that is playing that it is no mask, but the real thing.