Azrael

From what you are describing it seems that you are purging your constructed self. One of things that fascinated me the most in this integration / awakening work is that when it starts to get "real" - when you start to integrate / awaken - you realize that this is mostly an physiological / energy thing and not a mental one. There is the mental component - of course - but it is implicated by the physiological change (at least this is how it was for me). So, what happens right now for you is probably that the energies that make up your emotional experience, that trigger your thoughts, that are basic to a lot of things in your body in general are purging because of your practice. This can and probably will lead to a lot of very crazy / extraordinary experiences. It can lead to the drastic increase and decrease of pressure in your head / body and to a lot of other things. Don't stop your practice, maybe lower it if it goes to fast for you - meditate 10 / 20 minutes a day - but keep it up. You wanna go through this until it is resolved. And I can tell you ... it's worth it when it is resolved. ;-) For me it basically came in phases and always had one specific point of penetration. It started by amplifying the tensions in my belly and through that my constant feeling of fear. This lasted for I don't know - probably like 6-8 months in 2016. Then it got to my head and it intensified that pressure in my head to an extreme for 1-2 months. After that first the tension in my head completely went away and through that the feeling of being in my head - being a person - and then in the last two to three months the tensions in my belly and the rest of my body completely went away to the degree that I don't resist any feelings any more and just feel them as they come and go. It's beautiful. But it needs time. I surely amplified the purging through lots of meditation, 5-MeO-DMT, shrooms and lastly EMDR self-therapy (I'll make post about that one - this is huge) but it just needs time. Go through it, it's hard but it needs to get out. When it does, it'll feel like a daemon left you that raped you for most of your life. Some of the crazy things I experienced in this purging phase - to give you some perspective are the following: daily, long, intense and vivid dreams dramatic increase in intuition having hallucinations throughout the day being in a dream-mode throughout the day 5-10 times a day synchronisation moments (the 11:11, 12:12, 13:13 things with watches) Kundalini awakening (one in the summer of 2016) being exposed to a shit-load of repressed emotions and the subconscious feeling paranoid, constant anxiety, being tired loads and loads and loads of negative, fucked up thoughts that drove me crazy Sounds cool right? ;-) jk ... No, but seriously. You have to go through that. I cannot even begin to write how it feels when you are through. Just go.

Drugs - in general - are amplifiers. The question is: What do you want to amplify?

Commit to your practice - whatever you do. It's a phase you're in, one of many many many ... many man ... many phases, my man. Don't take your current realizations and truths too seriously, they will be true for some time and then the next wave comes and show you different aspects of reality. After some rounds of this roller-coaster you'll actually become disengaged in whatever state of consciousness you are in then because you realize it's just a state. The only thing that is important here is the recognition of who you are. Not whether you are in egoic, non-egoic, drugged, asleep or wide awake consciousness. Recognize the source and commit to that realization. Ignore the rest ... or play with it but don't take is seriously.

Beautifully put.

I went 1 year through the most horrific kind of terror with this work although I amped up my meditation, I got deeper realizations and what not. Why? Because this shit needed to get out before I could see clearly. I didn't know it at that time - I guessed that this is so - and only now can I say that this was the case. So, for you, just trust in your practice and commit to it. It'll take the time it needs. There's no way around that... except 5-MeO-DMT.

I'd say it depends. In the first two years of me doing this spiritual stuff I was probably worse at meeting with people and relationships. Because if you fuck up your whole inner system to get rewired you'll naturally be in a strange state. Ups and downs. Not knowing who you are is not helping you being better in relationships. However, as soon as you are through that and you are grounded in your new sense of self, it helps, yeah. Because you have way more integrity, you're more relaxed and focused in what you do and you act from a more authentic place. I never thought before I started all this that one can change in that way so drastically but subtly as well. It's not like you have an awakening and now your thoughts are completely different, you move different and talk different. It's more like the whole mental system works way more fluently with the emotional and physical system, through that most of the tensions go away and through that the thoughts become less fucked up and more integrated and and just fluent. I have so many crazy thoughts - to this day - and this will hopefully never change. It's just that when I was at a bad place that these crazy thoughts would fuck me up soo deeply because I resisted them subconsciously that I couldn't stand it no more. If I wouldn't have had this long of a pain period, I would never be where I am know. I doubt that I would have even found this stuff at all. Why would I if I had been "normally" miserable. Here's one for you. The highest state of insight is not having any ones at all and not wanting to have them. That's why I needed a good month to realize what happened to me. It just strut me some day. I woke up and asked myself why I'm not thinking about this spiritual stuff any more. Why I have no will to do my meditation any more. Why I don't feel bad about my day any more. And then slowly I began to understand what happened to me. It's like the devil slowly went but I didn't saw it because you only notice the devil when he is present. When he is not, it's like he never existed in the first place. Just follow along and trust your intuition. I always smile when I see how attached people are - especially on here - to get rid of their ego, to do the most far out practices and so rigorously like they are in the army. I smile because I was that way back then also, and I think it's needed to understand at a certain point that awakening will come to you and you will have ZERO influence when it happens and how it happens. ZERO. Meditate as hard as you want, it doesn't work that way. So the best you can do is to stay committed to your practices and the path but don't think that it is in any kind of relation to how soon your awakening comes or what realizations will come or what not. It's when you trust that it will happen by itself and you just stay committed to the practice because of the practice when it'll get to you. Cheers, Az

Oh, I will. Apart from 5-MeO I have a few very juicy other topics and methods I've found that I'll post about in the future that are really tasty. Shit, that helped me a lot.

Haven't taken it in a while now. I did have one breakthrough after the "On Being God"-dose with 15mg. But I'm looking forward to doing it in the future. Just right now, I have come to the place where I want to be and I have no will to push it to any other level, so I'm fine. So, we'll see how this goes. But I've purged all the negative reoccurring shit that I fought with until now and I'm so god damn happy that this the case. Let's see what the future has to offer.

I've found that if you go through your fear on some level it will have implications for your fears that are lower than the fear you went through. In theoretical computer science we call this principal reduction. So, say if we define a metric f = fear(problem). Now, if you approach 100 beautiful girls on the street that would be something like fear(approaching) = 60 let's say. Now, if you have something like talking confident to your boss it might be fear(talking to boss) = 35. Through the principal of reduction it says fear(approaching) > (reducable) fear(talking to boss). And that basically means that if you approached these girls you will be able to talk to your boss without much problems. And empirically speaking I have found that for a lot of cases (if not all) that this is true. And so yeah, if we take 5-MeO, it's something like fear(dying with 5-MeO-DMT) = 90. And through that a lot of things will get easier by reduction.

@Emerald, beautiful story! Thanks for the share. That's a really cool thing you do!

Yeah, it does. As a side effect. However, there are still a lot of habits and even evolutionary fears like being exposed that you need to numb down and that works in my experience only if you've challenged yourself often enough and went through the fear. It's the same with hypnosis. You can hypnotize yourself and get rid of fears, but you'll be really only cured if you go through your fears a few times.

I like listening to his opinions. I don't agree with him on everything and he doesn't seem "enlightened" to me, but he has a few points.

Read up on hypnosis and take a session. This stuff is definitely curable.

Then take the challenge. Keep your frame and go for it.

Get around other beautiful and interesting women (although your gut tells you not to do this) and let your needyness to that person decentralize through that. And don't meet your love that often. My best friend with whom I was in love back in the days I see 3-4 times a year because we live far away from each other. Guess what, when we meet it's like Christmas and your birthday on one day and we speak for 8 hours and have an amazing time. You gotta find your own integrity by loving yourself and making everything - especially relationships - something extra.

For starters: https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439199191/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1495805722&sr=8-1&keywords=win+friends

@Shin, I'd agree that especially in the beginning it's good to really get involved and live this stuff to its limit. Later on, there is a time where you need to let it all go. And even later on, when you least expect it, it'll get you and you have no idea how it happened.

@Leo Gura, I like your take on this one. The best way I can describe it is like this: Before you call yourself enlightened you have this bubble around you with that you un-/sub- and consciously fight. It's a little bit like your mom or friends that are negging you. You have a natural tendency to express yourself in some way, for example you are a rapist. Now, as a non-psychopathic rapist you'll have doubts about your behaviour, you'll question it, try to come away from it and fight with it. This fight is you trying to argue with your bubble. When you are enlightened, this bubble is dissolved (by itself). And through that, the fight ended. Now, don't get me wrong here, this doesn't mean that you are happy or fulfilled all the time. You'll still live the normal life with normal challenges. You'll still might feel nervous speaking in front of 100 people if you are not used to it. You still have your hopes and dreams. It's just that this constant un-/sub- and concious fight came to an end. And then you'll find out that most of your thoughts, emotional difficulties and what not were directly in relation with that fight. This is basically how it seems to me. But don't glue yourself to these words, it's one aspect and one metaphor to get a point across. It's not complete, it's a perspective to take it.

Dude, did you consider that maybe her exams are coming up and she actually doesn't have the time to meet a new man? Write her this: "Do you think you're gonna make it through the exams? Anyway, if you do text me when you are through then." Then she'll probably respond: "What if I don't pass?" You answer: "Then we won't meet. I met this other girl once who was bad at school and she ... ah I can't talk about this. Sorry. Good luck." Or some shit like that. Have a little fun with her. Women try to test you, for good reasons. Read up about dating psychology and then just go out and practice it with as many girls as you want to get better at it. To give you some perspective. I put the last 4 weeks a lot of emotional drama in a girl I really liked and it didn't work out. Sometimes that happens. But because I see a few other girls on the side and test whether it'll work out with one of them, it's just one that didn't fit. It's not the end of the world, it wasn't useless. I learn so much in every interaction I have with a women and it gives me the possibility to melt into my integrity and get better at attracting them to me. Plus I get to know a lot of interesting people. So, put some effort into this and have fun. It's a great topic.

I'm currently working myself up to it. I study in my bachelor right now and take courses on information retrieval, databases, bio algorithms etc. And then in my master I'd like to take these fields to the AI level, for example neuronal networks and text processing in information retrieval, big data systems, language processing. Stuff like that. And on the side I implement some AI and similar stuff to get my head around it. On my job I mostly do import / export of data in certain unified formats in and out of our systems.

I live in Berlin. I met @art a few weeks ago when he visited the city. Was a great meet. We had a very long and interesting talk about a lot of subjects and even went to a park where I led him into a "clarity experience" that helped him on his journey. I learned a lot myself that day. @Be Yourself, see you in August, brother. I'm looking forward to visit Vancouver so much.

Yeah, do AI. Research it, it's amazing. Look at neuronal networks, deep learning, deep belief networks. Philosophize how consciousness does its thing, bring it into your algorithms and push it to the next level. There hasn't been a greater time to do this then right now. I do the same shit and I love it.

@Leo Gura, I guess the most difficult thing for me on my journey was to emotionally handle the change of my own mental apparatus. Let it be the integration that needed to be done (I see way too less targeted and good material on this) or the stuff you go through when you had your initial enlightening experiences. I don't see a lot of people talking about that. It can be very strange when your head stops to think and you have to find a way to make it think again when you are in certain situations. It can be strange that your ability to talk may go down a little bit in the beginning because you don't think as much anymore. It can be strange to release all the tensions that are still stuck in your body and mind. There's a lot of post-enlightenment-stuff that is not covered at all. And I see people making the mistake to think that this doesn't matter because when you are enlightened, how could there be a problem right? Well, there can be way bigger problems then before.

Well, to start off I wanna mention that I changed my name and lately the picture to get a little more anonymity. A few people asked me why in PM's and it's basically because I'm a software engineer in my day-to-day life - that's part of my life purpose - and here in Germany the employers are not so down with the stuff I wanna talk to you about; right now and even more so in the future. --- So, to give you guys a little background information on my psychedelic research: I've been doing this now for a good year, mostly LSD and n,n-DMT. LSD - I do like every 2-3 months, sometimes a little bit more or less, depending on how my time I have for this and n,n-DMT I do very infrequently in little bursts. So I might do it in a row for 3 days (on time per day) and then put it off for sometimes 3-5 months. In the beginning I did more then now but I think I'll maybe do shrooms now more periodically because it seems to deepen my journey more than I thought (and more then LSD in my experience). I do psychedelics most of the time alone in my apartment for spiritual exploration and I tend to always have a particular existential question I wanna investigate. I also pop it sometimes with friends outside in nature (it's stunningly beautiful) or on a festival to have fun. (Don't do that if you are not experienced.) +++ THE TRIP +++ So, I wanted to have a breakthrough experience on mushrooms. I had several breakthroughs on LSD (mostly on 300-400ug) or n,n-DMT (mostly 40-50mg). I got me some mushroom chocolate containing 5 grams of shrooms from a well-respected and very good local source. I ate the chocolate (which was very delicious btw) last Friday, 07:00 pm. I did lower dosages of shrooms before (1 gram, 2 grams) so I knew where I was headed. I put on a very chilling and relaxing music mix on my laptop to orchestrate my experience smoothly, laid down on my bed very openly and meditated into it. 20-30 minutes into the experience I noticed how the shelves I was looking at began to move in the rhythm of the music. I also experienced a good bodyload, feeling the trip coming on. I laughed a little bit and said: "Let's see what you got." I soon should find out. 10 minutes after that the books in my shelves seemed to defocus and blur out, taking on the yellow-red lights from my dimmed lamps in the room. This went on and on until they looked like a city from birds-eye perspective at night. It was very stunning. I felt how the trip came nearer and nearer to me and suddenly these "city at night"-optics projected themselves onto the other walls in the room, getting bigger and bigger. All moving rhythmically to the music. Not longer after that the trip came totally on me, the visuals would be getting very big and intense and I knew it was time to close my eyes and let it begin. So I did. As I closed my eyes I saw all kinds of joker faces, dragons and basically monsters flying into my face, carrying all sorts of negative emotions, negative thought patterns and let's say my shadow. It was very interesting how they carried that. I know these kind of experiences from n,n-DMT onsets. When you enter into a non-dual mystical kind of consciousness, a side in yourself don't wanna let go. So I basically laughed a little bit, looked every one of them in the eye and said to myself: "You are all welcome, I love you as everything else. With a bright smile on my face." In that instant they melted away into a green-bluish kind of tunnel I was now flying through, seeing elves for some time and then basically the earth from outer-space. It was very cool and I was like: "What the fuck's going in my unconscious. This is amazing." As I was flying around the earth in outer space (or at least in my imagination) at some point I entered the earth again and flew right into a yellow-green patterned pyramid. I flew very majestically in a circle inside of this and it just contained on thing: a sitting, meditating old Japanese kind of Zen-master looking guy, starring at the bottom. He was on a kind of pedestal. So I flew around him (all this is happening in total harmony with the music btw) and stopped in front of him. So I asked him: "Who are you?", "Who am I?", "What is all this?", "Are we the same?" I thought this is the chance to have a talk with a Zen master. How exciting. So what happened? He said nothing. Simply nothing. He didn't even look at me, however I could feel that he knew I'm there. And I was a little disappointed in the beginning and then it strut me out of nothing. +++ THE INSIGHT +++ Intuitively a thought came to mind (and I felt like it came from him in this moment) that all my questions, all my problems, all my seeking, all the pain and all of the unknowing I put upon me comes simply from the fact, that at some point in my life I began to buy into what my own inner voice was telling me. That all of my questions will be immediately answered and all my pains will immediately fall off when I see that they result out of me believing one side of my story and through that denying another side. And I was hit with that right into my face. In retrospect, this is something I know for a long time now, this was I'd guess one of my very early realizations I had on this journey. But this simply saying contains everything you need to know to get to the truth: As long as you are telling it to yourself, it is not the truth. Very simple, very plain. Everyone around here knows that, but we tend to wanna collect more and more realizations and find out the real nifty secrets, when truth can be found with very plain and easy principals. So, after this strut me, the top of the pyramid opened up and I flew right through it in the tunnel again and then I opened my eyes. I began to cry instantly because the realization immediately put me in a non-dual state of consciousness and I physically felt how a shell popped from my body, how much energy I use on a minute-to-minute basis to "hold myself together" and how the feeling of "I am the body" is more physically then we think. We always try to calm our minds and focus our attention. When you are in a non-dual state of consciousness, thoughts still come up, emotions still come up. You still have your inner voice. What changes is that a shell pops from your body, you feel like you are a feather lying on air and you are recognizing that everything you perceive is you. Also your mental processes slow down a frickin' lot. You can see how a thought builds slowly out of nothing, has its time to present a little story to you and then vanishes again. It's amazing. So having that, I saw very vividly how I make a distinction about the thoughts that just come up and happen to me and the deep inner voice I identify with the most. I also see that in a sober level day-to-day but here it was very intensified. So I asked: "Who is it that is talking right now?" And I did what the old man told me to refuse every answer and I just focused on my will to experience the answer. So I did. I felt in this very moment that I am as awareness letting everything manifest in every moment and letting everything go again in every moment. I felt how I was still the big bang, now manifesting itself as all these people and planets and this thing called me. I got aware of how when I talk consciously this is the universe putting me up, for a moment and then having a different experience again. And I tell you guys - I cried through most of that - it felt like coming home from a dream in which you was lost all of the time and now you are home. I felt how I could never die and that everything is exactly how it should be and I have nothing to fear. And even when I'm in fear, this is okay too. Because the universe wants to forget itself all together again, so that it can realize itself again. It's the most majestic interplay that there is. I was in this kind of state for a good hour and then the shell slowly came back on. But this very plain and simply insight stuck in my head every since and it charged my motivation and how I should direct my journey very much. So that basically was me trippin' balls on shrooms. What do you think? I hoped you enjoyed reading this and that it charged your motivation and inspired you to go deeper with your journey. Don't forget: The highest truth will be found in the most plain realizations and actions. There is nothing big to find or secret to unleash, get back. Get back from where you're coming from and you'll see. To end this way too long post, I should say that I'll start to experiment with 5-MeO-DMT. I intend to follow Leo on this one and I will take it 1-2 times a month to crack the shell permanently open. I'm ready for this, I've done the research and have the good stuff. So you might here similar posts like this in the future from Azrael, your personal angel of death.

I'm sure you did, @lennart.