Azrael

Roughly 2 years. In that time span I did like probably 15-20 LSD trips, 20-30 DMT trips, 5-10 shroom trips, 7-8 5-MeO-DMT trips.

You can be able to recognize source and still have social anxiety. If you have the whole package - an awake mind and body - I think that it'll at least lower a lot. For myself, all of my chronic negative emotions are just gone. I can still experience fear / being angry / ... but it's an experience in that moment and it doesn't hold on. You have to see although that enlightenment doesn't cure all of your mental fuck ups. If you have social anxiety because you don't socialise you will probably lower the negative emotions through enlightenment but you won't be an outgoing, charismatic person just because of that. It's just easier then to do this of course. I actually challenged myself not being blocked by negative emotions any more. I did some far out things things just to see how far I can go with feeling good about it. I summed it up here.

First of all there is a difference between experiencing these symptoms because you have so many repressed thoughts from your past or being really ill and secondly you cannot choose whether you want that or not. When you you want to awaken, you'll have to purge.

I studied heavily the concepts and practices of Leo, Shinzen Young, Alan Watts, Rupert Spira und Mooji. But in real life, no.

I will make a post about it and a lot of more posts in the future on certain aspects of it.

I don't know how fucked up you are on the inside - I was pretty fucked up - so I had to use a lot of energy to be "normal" at work and with my friends and family. In the end you'll have to find it out for yourself. Awakening and purging has certain patterns but it's your very own case that shapes your process.

It also fucks with your organs, which is not cool. Although, it is one of the things that is worth doing 1-2 times in your life to just enjoy the experience. Doing a large dose of Ketamine is not comparable to any of the other drugs I have done so far - just from the qualitative experience. Breathtaking and crazy. But not good for regular practice, for sure.

From what you are describing it seems that you are purging your constructed self. One of things that fascinated me the most in this integration / awakening work is that when it starts to get "real" - when you start to integrate / awaken - you realize that this is mostly an physiological / energy thing and not a mental one. There is the mental component - of course - but it is implicated by the physiological change (at least this is how it was for me). So, what happens right now for you is probably that the energies that make up your emotional experience, that trigger your thoughts, that are basic to a lot of things in your body in general are purging because of your practice. This can and probably will lead to a lot of very crazy / extraordinary experiences. It can lead to the drastic increase and decrease of pressure in your head / body and to a lot of other things. Don't stop your practice, maybe lower it if it goes to fast for you - meditate 10 / 20 minutes a day - but keep it up. You wanna go through this until it is resolved. And I can tell you ... it's worth it when it is resolved. ;-) For me it basically came in phases and always had one specific point of penetration. It started by amplifying the tensions in my belly and through that my constant feeling of fear. This lasted for I don't know - probably like 6-8 months in 2016. Then it got to my head and it intensified that pressure in my head to an extreme for 1-2 months. After that first the tension in my head completely went away and through that the feeling of being in my head - being a person - and then in the last two to three months the tensions in my belly and the rest of my body completely went away to the degree that I don't resist any feelings any more and just feel them as they come and go. It's beautiful. But it needs time. I surely amplified the purging through lots of meditation, 5-MeO-DMT, shrooms and lastly EMDR self-therapy (I'll make post about that one - this is huge) but it just needs time. Go through it, it's hard but it needs to get out. When it does, it'll feel like a daemon left you that raped you for most of your life. Some of the crazy things I experienced in this purging phase - to give you some perspective are the following: daily, long, intense and vivid dreams dramatic increase in intuition having hallucinations throughout the day being in a dream-mode throughout the day 5-10 times a day synchronisation moments (the 11:11, 12:12, 13:13 things with watches) Kundalini awakening (one in the summer of 2016) being exposed to a shit-load of repressed emotions and the subconscious feeling paranoid, constant anxiety, being tired loads and loads and loads of negative, fucked up thoughts that drove me crazy Sounds cool right? ;-) jk ... No, but seriously. You have to go through that. I cannot even begin to write how it feels when you are through. Just go.

Drugs - in general - are amplifiers. The question is: What do you want to amplify?

Commit to your practice - whatever you do. It's a phase you're in, one of many many many ... many man ... many phases, my man. Don't take your current realizations and truths too seriously, they will be true for some time and then the next wave comes and show you different aspects of reality. After some rounds of this roller-coaster you'll actually become disengaged in whatever state of consciousness you are in then because you realize it's just a state. The only thing that is important here is the recognition of who you are. Not whether you are in egoic, non-egoic, drugged, asleep or wide awake consciousness. Recognize the source and commit to that realization. Ignore the rest ... or play with it but don't take is seriously.

Beautifully put.

I went 1 year through the most horrific kind of terror with this work although I amped up my meditation, I got deeper realizations and what not. Why? Because this shit needed to get out before I could see clearly. I didn't know it at that time - I guessed that this is so - and only now can I say that this was the case. So, for you, just trust in your practice and commit to it. It'll take the time it needs. There's no way around that... except 5-MeO-DMT.

I'd say it depends. In the first two years of me doing this spiritual stuff I was probably worse at meeting with people and relationships. Because if you fuck up your whole inner system to get rewired you'll naturally be in a strange state. Ups and downs. Not knowing who you are is not helping you being better in relationships. However, as soon as you are through that and you are grounded in your new sense of self, it helps, yeah. Because you have way more integrity, you're more relaxed and focused in what you do and you act from a more authentic place. I never thought before I started all this that one can change in that way so drastically but subtly as well. It's not like you have an awakening and now your thoughts are completely different, you move different and talk different. It's more like the whole mental system works way more fluently with the emotional and physical system, through that most of the tensions go away and through that the thoughts become less fucked up and more integrated and and just fluent. I have so many crazy thoughts - to this day - and this will hopefully never change. It's just that when I was at a bad place that these crazy thoughts would fuck me up soo deeply because I resisted them subconsciously that I couldn't stand it no more. If I wouldn't have had this long of a pain period, I would never be where I am know. I doubt that I would have even found this stuff at all. Why would I if I had been "normally" miserable. Here's one for you. The highest state of insight is not having any ones at all and not wanting to have them. That's why I needed a good month to realize what happened to me. It just strut me some day. I woke up and asked myself why I'm not thinking about this spiritual stuff any more. Why I have no will to do my meditation any more. Why I don't feel bad about my day any more. And then slowly I began to understand what happened to me. It's like the devil slowly went but I didn't saw it because you only notice the devil when he is present. When he is not, it's like he never existed in the first place. Just follow along and trust your intuition. I always smile when I see how attached people are - especially on here - to get rid of their ego, to do the most far out practices and so rigorously like they are in the army. I smile because I was that way back then also, and I think it's needed to understand at a certain point that awakening will come to you and you will have ZERO influence when it happens and how it happens. ZERO. Meditate as hard as you want, it doesn't work that way. So the best you can do is to stay committed to your practices and the path but don't think that it is in any kind of relation to how soon your awakening comes or what realizations will come or what not. It's when you trust that it will happen by itself and you just stay committed to the practice because of the practice when it'll get to you. Cheers, Az

Oh, I will. Apart from 5-MeO I have a few very juicy other topics and methods I've found that I'll post about in the future that are really tasty. Shit, that helped me a lot.

Haven't taken it in a while now. I did have one breakthrough after the "On Being God"-dose with 15mg. But I'm looking forward to doing it in the future. Just right now, I have come to the place where I want to be and I have no will to push it to any other level, so I'm fine. So, we'll see how this goes. But I've purged all the negative reoccurring shit that I fought with until now and I'm so god damn happy that this the case. Let's see what the future has to offer.

I've found that if you go through your fear on some level it will have implications for your fears that are lower than the fear you went through. In theoretical computer science we call this principal reduction. So, say if we define a metric f = fear(problem). Now, if you approach 100 beautiful girls on the street that would be something like fear(approaching) = 60 let's say. Now, if you have something like talking confident to your boss it might be fear(talking to boss) = 35. Through the principal of reduction it says fear(approaching) > (reducable) fear(talking to boss). And that basically means that if you approached these girls you will be able to talk to your boss without much problems. And empirically speaking I have found that for a lot of cases (if not all) that this is true. And so yeah, if we take 5-MeO, it's something like fear(dying with 5-MeO-DMT) = 90. And through that a lot of things will get easier by reduction.

@Emerald, beautiful story! Thanks for the share. That's a really cool thing you do!

Yeah, it does. As a side effect. However, there are still a lot of habits and even evolutionary fears like being exposed that you need to numb down and that works in my experience only if you've challenged yourself often enough and went through the fear. It's the same with hypnosis. You can hypnotize yourself and get rid of fears, but you'll be really only cured if you go through your fears a few times.

I like listening to his opinions. I don't agree with him on everything and he doesn't seem "enlightened" to me, but he has a few points.

Read up on hypnosis and take a session. This stuff is definitely curable.

Then take the challenge. Keep your frame and go for it.

Get around other beautiful and interesting women (although your gut tells you not to do this) and let your needyness to that person decentralize through that. And don't meet your love that often. My best friend with whom I was in love back in the days I see 3-4 times a year because we live far away from each other. Guess what, when we meet it's like Christmas and your birthday on one day and we speak for 8 hours and have an amazing time. You gotta find your own integrity by loving yourself and making everything - especially relationships - something extra.

For starters: https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439199191/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1495805722&sr=8-1&keywords=win+friends

@Shin, I'd agree that especially in the beginning it's good to really get involved and live this stuff to its limit. Later on, there is a time where you need to let it all go. And even later on, when you least expect it, it'll get you and you have no idea how it happened.

@Leo Gura, I like your take on this one. The best way I can describe it is like this: Before you call yourself enlightened you have this bubble around you with that you un-/sub- and consciously fight. It's a little bit like your mom or friends that are negging you. You have a natural tendency to express yourself in some way, for example you are a rapist. Now, as a non-psychopathic rapist you'll have doubts about your behaviour, you'll question it, try to come away from it and fight with it. This fight is you trying to argue with your bubble. When you are enlightened, this bubble is dissolved (by itself). And through that, the fight ended. Now, don't get me wrong here, this doesn't mean that you are happy or fulfilled all the time. You'll still live the normal life with normal challenges. You'll still might feel nervous speaking in front of 100 people if you are not used to it. You still have your hopes and dreams. It's just that this constant un-/sub- and concious fight came to an end. And then you'll find out that most of your thoughts, emotional difficulties and what not were directly in relation with that fight. This is basically how it seems to me. But don't glue yourself to these words, it's one aspect and one metaphor to get a point across. It's not complete, it's a perspective to take it.