Persipnei

I stopped squashing bugs years ago and carry them outside whenever possible. It actually feels good to put it on the soil. The few times I do kill one in an unconcious reaction or weak moment, I feel so much pain. Guess I'll keep doing it once in a while until I totally got the lesson out from it...

It is what you make of it. It can serve your ego or you could learn about your ego. The choice is yours.

I failed to understand Cognito. My ego said "That's me!" and I believed it. I would like to rephrase it to "Sum Ergo Sum".

I don't think any experience is a sign per say, but it can be a potential trigger to question your beliefs. Seeing and learning from an experience is the spiritual aspect in this. Just my 2c, off course...

Nope, you are connected with everything, that's the opposite of lonely

Disclaimer: I only had my first deep experience a few days ago. I'm still quite high on the changes in my mindset, but here are my 5c. When I saw God, I didn't had a feeling I was God, I still completely felt "in my body", but there was such a strong connection with every atom in the universe that the concept loneliness doesn't make any sense at all anymore. Not sure if I'm ego tripping, but I have never felt so pure and clear since my puberty.

I think he meant the circle is conciousness. From the moment you add any thought (I'm alive, there are humans, ...), the circle seems to change, although it actually doens't.

I had a great sleep. That was really necessary and I feel less chaotic. I was raised very Catholic, and believed with every cell of my body when I was a kid. I lost that faith when growing up and I when I did my share of entheogens when I was in my twenties, I always saw those experiences as an experience of the brain. I still kinda do, but since the experience a few days ago I am not able to see it as a fluke of the brain. I wanted to believe, to hope, this world was not as ugly as I perceived, it turns out it's completely perfect. I do realize my ego trying all possible explanations to explain and to discard it. My worldview changed, I was always in control with huge anger issues when something doesn't go my way and now I'm like Mr Fluffy Guy sending love to everyone because there is nothing else that needs to be done. All very good off course, although I realize that the voices in my head are going overdrive to try to explain everything in a less Divine way. I hope I can keep the impression, that I don't forget it again.

The last couple of days have been a string of insights and realizations. My whole belief system crashed when I looked into what can I only describe as "the abyss", pulling me back to acid trips of decades ago. I feel like I'm exploding and am crying every couple of minutes. I have done nothing but accepting, but it's still so overwhelming, I'm the whole time at the boundary of panicking. Any tips to not fall back and not lose my mind at the same time?

It all makes sense now! Big Bang, the first Thought (at least of this "dream"), sets the stage: space, matter, laws of physics... And every effing thing that follows is just another Thought. I'm perplex...

Haha to previous post. I was baffled. Still am. And at this time I can see ego fight against it.

I was one of the monkeys who posted negatively under the YT vid. It was the reason I posted on this forum for the first time (after being a member for more than a year). I came in here angry, read the perfect things I needed to let go and I was able to just close of the whole society-is-going-down-the-drain-feeling that had ruled my emotions for years in hours. Off course this is not just because of the vid. I evolved during the last years, but was not able to let go by myself. Leo has scared away lots of people with the stern beginning, I am sure of that, but it was exactly what I needed.

Yeah, it happens after each realization, and everytime you say "it won't happen this time, this time I'll see it coming" and then weeks or months later you realize you were that dumb egofollower again... Ego is very good in masking this shit, every time it looks and feels a bit different, so it's hard to recognize. And then it starts all over again on a slightly higher level...

I have asked myself that same question for years and I think I got the answer: "It doesn't matter, since it's all illusion and the act of asking the question makes it subjective and thus not Truth". The answers to your questions are "yes", "no", "maybe", "both", "sometimes", "never", ... all at the same time :-)

Before my son was born I had never loved unconditionally. It was because of him I recognized that kind of love. It was because of his mirroring I started realizing who I am. Without my son, I'd still be a junkie. Can't speak for everyone, but my kid saved my life and probably my spirit. That said: 99,99% of all the shit I got over me in the last 9 years, was also because if him, so it's not all cookies and sunshine... But I guess that life. Everything that brings you something positive also shits all over you :-)

I'm up to date on the view that reality is created in our own mind, or better, The Mind. I'm really good in grasping abstract stuff and it looks more logic than what we call "reality". There is a difference between grasping it and deeply knowing it off course... I first dabbled in "spritualism" about 15-20 years ago, but I was a junkie, so didn't get very far, but... I did manage to hear about the power of intention and I tried it out. I was on some gathering and hadn't had a girl in a while, was lonely, ... I pulled myself together and without really knowing what I was doing, I wished that somebody would be attracted to me. The day after, I kid you not, a woman in her late fifties (I was 20 something) comes to me and almost tries to rape me. I literaly run away... A few months later, I'm on another gathering, I wish for the same thing, but clearly 'in my age category'. Day after: a boy hitting so hard on me, you have no idea... The moments themselves I was amazed, but I quickly forgot the wonder of it and saw it as luck. Years later, I have been single again for way too long and one day I try it again. This time I am very specifically. I had a list of 25 physical traits, characteristics, interests, ... and "the encounter should go easy, since I am not able to start a conversation...". Monday comes, train full of people, I have to sit in that little space between the toilet and two wagons. A man enters the toilet and starts smoking there. I stand up to evade the smoke, have to almost sit on a nice looking girl, we start talking and one and a half year later she bore already our first son. Again, struck in awe! But then years of being a family happened, wasn't ready for that, aaaand I forgot the awe. This week I had multiple interesting conversations, here and elsewhere about existence and some things clicked. Today I observed and projected very carefully and man, there was so much to see :-) A few days ago, this was a notion of possibility, now it is more like an "off course, dude, what more proof do you want". I realized I have never really observed before and at the same time I have always done, but not consciously. I have a feeling observing and intention is way more efficient than meditation to make a serious jump? At this moment it feels like the secret that has never been thought to me (but I'm sure Leo covered it already, haven't seen all of it).

And a follow up question: If I start creating consciously, and I still have fears (who doesn't), they will be right in my face, will they?

Damn, this struck me hard. Wise words.

I'm trying to grasp something and I have that feeling that it's hanging on the top of my nose. Maybe one of you can give me the words I need... If all is illusion and nothing more than focus/attention/conciousness, then there is nothing but conciousness. But I also hear there is a field and that we are just subjectively experiencing that field. What is it now? Is there a field? Is reality the focus we have on that field? Or is that field an illusion itself? I guess it also decides: are the people in your life "real" as in subjective perceptions of some entity in that field? Or is everyone, even you who is reading this message, an illusion? Why these two (in my eyes) opposite explanations? I have a feeling everyone is making it way to complicated...

So... I have been trying to type a decent reply for 30 minutes. I can't. I have 10.000 questions while at the same time I think they are answered. Guess I found what I was looking for. Thank you for the right triggers I'm gonna sleep a night over it.

So... there are times when there is a field, and times when there is none, but even when there is one, it is still just an illusion? I'm trying to unravel cause and effect, and more specifically, the first cause. I can clearly see how choices let me believe the reality I am in now, but what decides the first choices? What decides I was born in a poor family for example? I could have chosen to be rich, right? Is your "starting situation" in this life just karma from previous lives? I grasp that I invented my parents, but why did I choose ones with those traits? Karma? Is life just karma being played out? A lot of questions, but I mean the same with all of them I guess.

I don't want to belittle your awakening, just know there are infinite versions of waking up and every single one them feels like you hit the jackpot In case you had a realization of the futility of school, society, life, ... you might want to hold your horses and just make a plan of what you want and don't want in your life and try to realize those. In your last post I see a plan to live in a van. It is actually viable, quite a lot of people do it. Do know it doesn't make life easier than in school. If you are running from something you will run right into it.

If you are serious, you should join a monastery. A Christian one in Sweden should do the trick. If you want a Buddhist or Hindu one, there is one of each in Belgium (not aware of other countries, Google away, my friend). Having being homeless for a little while, I can say it is not a preferable situation and it did not help me grow spiritualy. Join some small congregation on a far away place for a few years. Silence, working/helping/bakti, meditation and sleep. You'll do the same things as if you were homeless, but in a more fertile environment for that cause. You say you live in Sweden, aren't there monasteries high up in the north? Imagine the beauty of the mountains every morning when you wake up. I wanna join you now.

Guess I'm still fooling around with the little ones... I'm kinda blessed I guess, as an Asperger that my ego is easier to define, but that doesn't stop me going down the ego train time after time when I'm not aware. But hey, every moment is a new opportunity, right?

Bless you The more people you reach, the more that can get the message.