Persipnei

It's been two months since I had an awakening that set my spiritual journey in acceleration. The friends I had for more than 20 years let me fall like a brick when I stopped playing my part in our habitual interactions and my wife told me yesterday she is leaving me, seemingly because I'm not playing my part anymore in the social drama's we created during the years. I'm fine with all this. I realized I have everything I need within me and wish them all the best. The funny thing is that, while I have never felt better and I'm 100% sure of the way I'm walking, my environment thinks I have lost it and I need help. I wonder how many souls end in a mental institution because their environment can't handle their new way of standing in life. I thought my own ego would be the biggest hurdle, but it seems other people's ego really feel the need to keep mine in check. I have reacted to their reactions with compassion and love, but realize that they are becoming more toxic by the day and that I will have to cut connections. Not sure why I'm posting this... guess I needed to write it off...

I'm crying from joy at the moment. Since my experience that happens a lot, when something completely resonates. Let that be an introduction to this post 1) It's hard to describe in words. The closest I can get is this: Expanding and contracting breath of God. Cause and effect from the smallest scale to the biggest and back. What seemed like chaos became perfect order. 1000% sure that everything is completely happening exactly as it should be. Everything is connected in a way I could never have imagined. But at the same time it also had something very mundane, like: "Oh yeah, I forgot this tiny detail about life." I was completely baffled for multiple days and in those days was very aware of how ego took over. It felt like a inverted acid trip, not sure how to explain it differently. Once my ego had done it's renestling, it turned to extreme depression for a week until things slowly got more balanced. During that week I was really disturbed, but also knew it would be ok. I started "seeing" colors and shapes just after the experience and have them almost daily since, especially after a deep meditation. 2) Abnormal as in: "You never behaved like this and we don't understand your explanation so there must be something wrong." 3) Yeah, I have tried my whole life to avoid confrontations. Let's say I had enough confrontations when I was a kid and didn't need that shit in my relationship. Now I understand there are different degrees of confrontation. Pff, this is a hard one... You have given me a lot more words that gave me a lot of trust for tomorrow. You have really helped me and I have a feeling we are not done My sincere thanks.

Before her pregnancy and his birth, we travelled a lot, had plans to go festival to festival with a coffeetruck, and there were never expectations to each other. I remember her saying: "I have friends with kids and they didn't change anything in their life, we won't have to change either". When she started changing by the end of the pregnancy, I thought it was just hormones and it would change back after a while, but it never did (we are 8 years later). I talked about it with her a couple of times, a year or so after the birth, and she got real mad, so I didn't bother anymore. I've never liked such confrontations, that's why I always said "OK". I think you are right that this is probably key. Thank you for pointing this out. I'll meet her tomorrow and hope we will be able to talk about this.

I thought that too until that moment.

I remember a very blissfull feeling, that there was no danger at all... I only get to that point once in a while in a deep meditation. This is only the 2nd time I'm sharing this, by the way, and it happened about 15 years ago. Never gave it any importance, it was just an experience. That was the weird thing.

I kinda switched the take over part. In the first post I meant the opposite of that string of thoughts...

@Nahm Thank you for asking deeper, it forces me to see my actions and thoughts in another light. The situation with my parents and friends was quite the same. I was clearly behaving differently, still shaken from the experience. When they asked why I behaved "abnormal", I explained what I experienced. But in both cases I think I was just holding on to those connections more to keep them satisfied and that my honesty was the final blow. The situation with my wife is different. I was always the guy who said: "OK", to whatever she asked, even if I felt like I had to say: "No". I have called her an hour ago and we will talk tomorrow. She sounded quite different than two days ago. > Did you and her talk about attachment to thoughts, enablement, codependency, processing emotional reactions, etc? She might just run away if I use those words... Thing is, there was a time she was way more spiritual than I'll probably ever be, but guess she pushed the pause button or she is way ahead of me and I can't even see it. It can seems absurd, but she completely changed the day our son was born. The take over is a string of thoughts that I always have accepted as truth, ideas how relationships work. The one that gets taken over is amazed about the ridiculousness of them. I don't think they are against me, but they afraid to lose me. It's not that they don't want me, but that they don't want the newer version of me. But I do realise now how freaky it must be if the guy they know to be such and such suddenly changes big time. I should have handled it more diplomatic, but was not able to at that moment. The 'it' I used to combine the whole situation, thoughts, interactions, ... I'm not a native English speaker, so I guess I rape this language sometimes. The long road... I shouldn't have said that because it will make my spiritual path longer. I guess I said it like that to express that I don't feel enlightened or even spiritually advanced. I feel like a little kid when it's about these topics, a baby even. Thank you again. Reading your words did a lot to me.

I don't want to justify. Was just saying my 2 cents on the topic. I decided for myself I won't take it mostly because there is such a big pressure coming from our "leaders". I am aware that my decision is based on certain information, but so is the decision of the people who want to take it. One is not more valuable or true than the other. I watched my mind, I'd appreciate if you watched yours too. Most people have been brainwashed by media in the last 9 months with the "stay safe", "all together against covid", and other slogans. Other years there is the seasonal flu who makes about the same amount of victims. There are diseases and people die. I didn't say their lives are not important, but I do think humanity has a very unhealthy way of looking at death and we should realize that this incarnation is mortal. I actually had repiratory problems when I was young, so I am at risk if I get it, but I'm willing to take the risk. If it is my time, I will look death in the eyes, if it is not, I'll be stronger after I get sick. I definately prefer to die from a disease than get sick from a vaccine.

Funny how this absurd reaction gave me the answer to my question. Thank you!

And I just resonate with the show I like? Or do you mean teachers have no value?

It was my understanding the US declared when Japan attacked PH? Thing is, it happened 80 years ago, no direct witnesses remain. We all know that the victor writes history, so the main reason Hitler is the Big Bad Evil Guy is because the historians made him like this. If Germany had won, the Churchills and Roosevelts would have been the bad guys in our history books. And please don't turn my words around. I'm not saying he was a good guy, just that our perception of what he was is colored by history.

I saw an UFO once hovering over a field in southern England, together with about 100 other people. When the thing flew away, we all looked at each other, smiled and continued our day. One way or the other, no-one had the need to speak about it. That said, although I am clearly sure about at least UFO's flying around, if the message comes from the American and Israeli government... They are not sharing this because they care. They are sharing it because they want us to toy with the idea, because it will be an important idea in the times to come.

Let me start by saying I don't want to be the pro- or anti-vaxxer. I'm just talking about the upcoming Covid vaccine. I see a lot of people in this thread who are really certain that vaccines are good for mankind. I'm not anti-vaxxer, but I won't pollute my body for a disease that my body can overcome naturally. Am I selfish for that? I guess. But if I am, then people who expect others to vax because they don't feel safe are also selfish, so I shouldn't feel bad about it, I guess :-) Call me a conspiracy nut if you want, but I ain't trusting governments and big pharma after the fear-campaign they introduced this year. Yes, people die, they have so for at least 200,000 years. Most people who died of Covid were very old or already quite sick (at least where I live), they would have died from a normal flue or maybe even from a common cold. That said, I have barely left my house this year, mostly because people behave like they are complete psychos since March and I don't need that around me. If I have no physical contact, I won't need that vaccine, I guess. I really hope I'm wrong in the no-trusting-department or we are gonna see a lot of misery in the coming years because of that wonderous vaccine.

@kras I feel you. Was like you without the athletic body when I was younger. I thought there was something very wrong with me until my late twenties. They feel it when you want them and will ignore you in that case. Just be yourself without any expectation. Be interested in them, but don't crave them. When I stopped caring, the women literally flocked around me.

@Emerald Your post describes exactly what I saw when my sister changed her life 180°. I guess that's what's happening now, but being in the middle of it all gives it a different experience than looking from the sidelines. Thank you for your post. It resonates a lot and I'm gonna read it again when I'm more awake.

Good morning. I'm typing here, while coffee is dripping. Take this as crude info without thought... Not sure what they are reacting to. I think in the case of my parents it's being afraid of losing me and their grandson? In case of my "friends" I am sure, since they said it in my face: they don't care what I'm experiencing and they don't want to hear anything from it. I must admit we had been growing apart for years, I guess this was the killing blow. My wife misses the attachment we had, what I now call a symbiotic mess of two souls who don't know what part is theirs... I'm clearly less attached and can understand that she feels alone, maybe even betrayed... I appreciate your input. I have asked myself the question a few thousand times by now: is this ego who takes over? I don't think so. My ego says: "play your role, do what they expect, no change, no problem, you did it for 40 years, you are halfway". I guess my post was a cry for help, or better said: a cry to help me understand and give it a place. I'm not trying to say I am experiencing true peace of mind & compassion. Way more than before, sure, but I know I only made a few steps in the right direction and there is a loooooong road to take.

I have been following your conversation with Someone here. Not sure why he keeps projecting, but I appreciate you trying to show him. Anyways. Thank you to all for all the replies. It helped me put some things in perspective and give it a name. Heading to bed now, but I'll might update this if things have become clearer.

@frnsh Yeah. The environment bends to my new reality. That's how I also feel it, but I guess I was looking for somebody else to tell me :-) Thank you.

I don't want to be rude, but as far as I know you haven't looked into my head. I have seen your posts come by and stopped replying to them after a few, since you don't seem to read my words and only project your ideas.

@Spaceofawareness Thank you for your post. Yea, I have a son and I must say he is the only one close to me that seems to like me more than before. I understand the connection there is between him, my wife and me. I did try to include her in this, but your post made me decide I will try again and harder. But in the end, I think it's about the journey one walks, and if 2 people have been walking the same path for a decade and one suddenly changes path... Can't expect her to follow me.

She didn't call me mad, my parents did :-) She is not angry, just didn't want me to change I guess. Can't blame her. But yea, I guess it's understanding we are not very compatible anymore

We had a really good talk before those words fell. She doesn't want a partner like I am now, so I'm giving her all opportunities to do what she has to do. We'll see what happens, she looked quite sure of herself.

For me there is nothing to mend, unless you mean I should behave like I did before just to keep the peace? I also didn't abandon them, they don't want me anymore.

I talk way less, lots most of my nervous attitude and don't have the need to express my vision on every little thing that exists anymore. I had outburst of anger before, and those are completely gone. I became a better person, that's for sure. But yea, I won't have a conversation about some movie or sports game that doesn't interest me anymore, so I guess I'm boring now in their eyes? It's not that I started talking about this with everyone, only when they started asking questions I answered.

I think you misunderstood me. There is nothing to forgive. I don't join in her drama anymore and she doesn't want to drama alone, I guess?