oMarcos

Focus on changing the thinking patterns. Current Facts are Current dreams

is that a Portal 2 joke

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Quantum-Hermetica-Documenting-Parallels-Hermetic/dp/1723857327/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=The+Quantum+Hermetica&qid=1589576650&s=books&sr=1-1 i think u might like

Nothing outside my knowledge can influence my inner reality. Ever.

Hold the rope. DON'T LET IT GO and once you reach the roof, fetch the bolt cutters and GET OUT OF THERE

It's easier to destroy an empire than to build a flower.

In this post I will Shadowwork what really lies behind the origins of my Emotional Cravings. Note: I will not think too much about writting the right things, I will go with the flow and see what comes. Getting stuck in past memories, in past emotions, in past relationships. The desire for the past brings concerns about our personal future, become an ally to fear of loneliness, anxiety and lack of hope, often resulting in low self-esteem. The present moment is forgot and the mind navigates backwards and wants to be consistent, wanting to return to past emotions so it can preserve those memories and feel safe in the present moment. Feeling safe in the present moment is my craving. Everyone wants to feel safe in the present moment. But rarely we are really present, we are present dreaming, so the quality of the day-dreaming defines the state of our well being, constantly being conditioned by thoughts. The most important things to take now in consideration is "What is really that I am afraid of?", I answer this with "Losing feminine companionship" or "Afraid to never be able to achieve intimacy ever again". For this situation we apply the sexy quote and that says a lot. The more we want to escape something, we probably will face that very particular thing within ourselfs. The thoughts that bring the need for fight are dragging the energy that could be more useful to be used to uplift ourselves and bring significant changes. I'm not saying I can change how the world percieves me, But I am sure I can change of How I percieve the world withouht being constantly conditioned by others (thelema 93's). The hapiness of others should not make me feel mad about myself, I am completely responsible for my own mental-health, It's not fair to use others misery to uplift myself. If I am subconsciously trying to constantly sabbotage myself to avoid peace with the usage toxic self-preservarance of bad emotions, that needs to stoped. Nothing will bring change with that energy. Never will happen, nothing will be different. Please remain aware. *end

Books have always been for me a tool for Will improvement and guidance. I currently have a modest collection of spiritual, self-development and fictional books but I want to grow bigger, even though that are so many of those I own and didn't read yet, I pick up the book to read according to my current psychological or emotional necessecities. The need for more knowledge never stops. And since my wishlist is so big I needed to condense it for a small list, so here it goes, very carefully selected and condensed, the next 6 Books that are worth to have next, withouth any order of preference: Journeys Out Of The Body - Robert Monroe The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath Low Magick - Lon Milo DuQuette Raja Yoga - Swami Vivekananda No Death, No Fear - Thich Nhat Hanh You're Imagining Things - A. T. L. Carver keywords are: #astralprojection #magick #drama #yoga #non-duality I find very important to have a balance through book topics, to balance ordinary stories with spiritual, to pick one theme and another, to not get too much absorbed in information and not too much absorbed in fictional, balance is key even in book reading.

feeling anxious, can't breath properly, fuck I'll get better

Pragmatism and Creativity are key holes.

Whatever I feel about someone else, It's a feeling I have about myself.

Shadow-Projection - I do realize that the most thing I hate in most people is their own self-importance and/ or narcisisism, as if by any chance they were about to think that they are eventually better than me, and that they have more value in recieving love, but that very thought represents my lack of self-esteem. The most big progress someone can add to his spiritual journey is To Not Compare Themselves With Anyone. I mostly do this with my ex-girlfriends, and regular popular people (not exactly famous). The exes is more like "oh, I lacked something, I am not a real person, I really don't deserve to be valued". This is total BS In this "post-episode", as I will call it. I'll be doing some "LIVE" Shadow-Projection that I can think of at the moment. Starting with: - People talking about self-isolation as if it was such a brand new thing for them, complaining like little cry-babies in the comfort of their homes, pretending that they really care about those homeless people suffering on the streets, pretending that they are "good" with Facebook humanitarian posts. I've been in isolation for almost 8 months now and I didn't go about to complain on social media, can I do it now? Finally I am understood! LOL Explanation: Maybe people really care about those people suffering, Maybe It's me who doesn't care. But even If I care, do I really need to show off to others that I care, with which purpose would I do that? I don't need to impress. Circle completed. I really don't like people who show-off, maybe I'll shadow work this later. - People who constantly say "STOP CAPITALISM", I don't even go too much further about this one, IS THE MOST CYNICAL THING YOU CAN STATE ON THE INTERNET. "oh look at me, I am so aware of world problems, and capitalism is really a world problem, people will see that I belong to those who care" Bitch, you just bought something on the amazon last night. Explanation: No explanation, I am right. Pure cynism. As that mytical quote on Scarface "you're not good, you just know how to hide". So maybe this is why I'm coming across with such bad vibes about the way most of people express themselves on social media, I wonder what do they really want, is it recognition, a medal for being right? Or it's plain and simple genuine self-expression without hidden agenda whatsoever. Final Disclosure: Maybe I would like to also express, but I won't because I wouldn't be genuine enough in doing so. I don't feel that I am important enough to express an opinion, but why these people feel they are? I wrote this entire post almost automatically, and the final disclosure gave me a very good hint to dig even deeper on these issue. I do think that I have a good life, without too much struggle, it's easy for me to live, I have shelter, water, food, Why should I complain, I would be an hypocrit. But preety all those people I mentioned also have a good life, so once again, pure narcisism? I can't break this circle with a clear final answer.

I've been away from this forum for awhile, but I've come back because this is the only place where I feel I can share this sort of stuff and maybe get a valuable response. This is a very old story, but I wonder how the old story still stamped on my unconscious mind and still rule my life, should I ignore the impact of something just because is old? I don't believe so, I guess I need to give this shadow some light, and maybe you can help me to light the torch. The story (I'll keep it short and simple as possible): My father was addicted to cocaine, speed and heroine since I was 6 until I was 11. What were the things I witnessed: constant stealings to my mother (gold necklaces etc.); my father asking money to several family friends with dumb excuses like "I am out of gas and the car is in the middle of the street"; one day my house was robbed, some of my stuff were gone like my PS2, a cellphone and a watch, and I still believe it was him, even though we never found out what really happened, now that's not a big deal though; constannt fights between my mother and my father; one day my mother found out a little bag of cocaine in my father wallet, and I remember to see that little bag being on the floor opened and cocaine was spread on the floor, it was a morning before getting to school; my father was asking me money more than it should (lol, yeah, I didn't even worked, but sometimes my grandmother could lend me some or whatever); around I was 11, my mother decided that I should go out with my father anytime he left house, so she could make sure he was not involved in drug stuff BUT HOW WRONG SHE WAS, he toke me once to a poor familie house, the couple had 2 children, so I was with them meanwhile my father and their parents where injecting something behind the curtains, like normal. And several times he toke me to the place where his drug friends were living under the bridge homeless and he was also helping them with supplies and some water. One day he also toke me to a meeting point of drug traffing, several guys waiting for the distrubuition). I never told this to my mother... until one day the bomb exploded and my mother decided to leave my father. End of first part So... what happened next after your mother left your father? Me and my mother left to live with my grandparents, he was alone. I was visiting my father on the weekend but I remember to have a "bad feeling" about it, it was sad to go to spend weekend with him, I couldn't make anything better. By the time I spent those weekend with him, one night I remember I was peeping him late at night in the kitchen, and I would see him preparing a small dose of heroin to consume, but suddenly I just got back to the room where we would sleep together, and I remember watching him in bed with body trembles. And then all of this ended by the time I was 12, my father got cleaned after a long process, my parents got together again, they had another son, and we still live together. Happy ending. But now what? Now I still don't know for sure how all of this story had an impact on my life. Back on those dark times I felt numb most of times with the situation, I also compactuated with my father lies and bad actions when I knew the truth. I felt that It wasn't a big deal at all, maybe other families had their own strange shit going on and "this is just the same happening with my family". And I was thinking today, yes today, at 26. That I was humiliated from my father. I allowed him to being a piece of shit, as if I din't care or I didn't knew what he was doing, as If I didn't have a fucking good mind to make a distinction from what is right or wrong in front of me. I thought about how just many times I let other people take advantage of me through my life, so they could grab something for them, how many times I said it was "ok" even though I was feeling hurt on the inside but I didn't want to cause any harm or trouble (this happens most of times in my relationships). I feel that I don't want to be passive anymore towards others, that I have the right to say no if it feels the most right thing. I won't be hurt. This shadow has a light. Ok Marcos, well done. But how can I help you? You may ask. Since this is pure shadow work, I might be trying to hide something from myself, maybe it's easier for others on the outside to make judgments about how much damage this could had been made on me, some kind of prediction about which ways I could tend to act in the future in terms of relationships dynamics and even self-esteem. I already pointed out one facet: allowing others to hurt me, do you have more facet predictions? Thank you.

@Nahm Thank you very much for your insights, that was the sort of thing I was searching for. I do relate with many things you pointed out, one particulary that shoot my interest was "Fragmentation", could you elaborate a little on what that means? I have a strong need to mantain a "sense of self", I do this by putting my personal belongings in a aesthetical order (sort of OCD), I get strong anxiety if things are out of order, as If I was losing the sense of my identity and all my direction in life, could this be considered Fragmentation? @Nahm and if so, how could such an event origin Fragmentation, what could be the corelation between the episode and the disorder? Side note: I really got very depressed during my high school years, between 16-20 years old, I felt as If I didn't know who I was, then the ocd started on those periods of time, I was really trying to "define" my identity, because I compared myself a lot with my colleagues and they all seemed to have such a strong sense of self compared to mine of course, "I know" the Truth now, but back on those days I really struggled. Nontheless, the "OCD" mantains.

abstinence and pray

Looks like the boy is having some fun

Nothing at all stands in my way regarding this subject, I was just shadow working and maybe trying to dig some hidden patterns that could had some influence on me, but who will know better than me right... @Nahm

also, If you want to contribute @Leo Gura @Nahm or if you know someone who could work with me in this particular subject, point them out please I'm also currently reading the 6 pillars of self esteem and its a great santa little helper

Blessed

I'm probably addicted to love rather than survival.

I've always found this instrumental so magical.

BRIEF Analysis of my dreamboard - shit together Important note to start: past, present and future memories are not in charge of any outcome that will arise - actions create the outcome. My sub-conscious mind craves and dreams essentially for: possible and already lost situations/ scenarios from the past, encounters with people from the past, recreations of past situations into the future. I need self-awareness for the fact that every thing that happens comes as new and never as the same it was. The only thing that matters is how Alert I am in the present to create a good guidance. I am just dreaming all of this, the dream is so constant and persistent, my mind and body feels stuck in the past memories, is afraid to live in the present and plan a new different out-come future, ego is afraid to let go the past, wants to control the future based on the past - error As the mind trys to manipulate the future using the past, essentially what will happen is a huge self-sabottage and inertia, because the mind fools herself that nothing needs to be done, the body and mind craves the past and are loyal to it, any change is a threat - a threat for the loss/ death of my personal bias. I am afraid of a meaningless life, maybe this fear is exactly what I need, loss of meaning for new creation. What are the primary things my mind cares for: emotional validance and support from other people, connection and mutual-understanding, since I am currently lacking this, I have no other choice than do it myself or literally die (and I really mean physical death). I believe a time comes for everyone when we need to face our own loneliness for good, to look at it, it's scary and evil, dark, nothing seems to work-out, the mind dependence is too strong, every human being is raised by others, we need other people, it's one of the roots of the human nature necessitys, it can't be denied, but when it is denied, then i can at least remember that I am not my body (hope this saves me). Dreamboard: Do some service to others in a creative manner (I will explore this later, but AudioPodcasts is a start), engage in social activities to help others, being independent (move to lisbon, new house, new job and cook for myself). What am I afraid of? Feeling alone in this giant process, no one to tell me "you are doing well, I'm so proud of you", I need this belief to drop out of the window, I am not doing this for anyone, I am doing this to grow, and I can't stop growing just because I have no crowd. Eventually I am a bit sad to leave my family, but the new city is so close that I can see them at least one time per month, which is enough. What is this whole thing about? Moving out of the house of my parents is my next big step of self-improvement, it's scary, I have already done it in the past but it was in different situations, I was studying abroad. But this next move-out is the most serious. I can't fall into this traps: Having a 9 to 5 job will eventually not be enough to keep my self uplifted, that's why I need to engage in some kind of group and social activity, I need to GIVE something, if I am doing all this to myself I will feel worthless, I need to feel that I am needed to someone, the kind of feeling of wanting to take care of a child, but not exactly a child. But before being needed for others, I need myself, and I need myself first, need to deal with this. In a big city, we need to take care of ourselves, but this constant routine makes people totally blinded in egotism, I will strive to creat some sort of creative balance towards this. My Expenses will mainly be for food, appartment and healthy social activities, and eventually small travels around the country. What is my current blockage to achieve this dreamboard? Lack of motivation, I can't predict the out come, so the mind gets lazy "(why the effort if I don't even know the out come?" The mind wants to make sure that know how everything will unfold, if not, gets scared. What gives me motivation to achieve this dreamboard? Since I can't predict the outcome (and this is a huge turn off for my ego- mind), what gives me motivation is the new energies and possibilites that will arise, even if I don't have a single clue of what will happen, something will indeed happen and that's enough. The important thing I need to focus is the renewall of my self-worth and not expect any out come. I really feel that visualization could be useful, but I really feel that It just drains my energy off, I can't really predict. There is a conflict between visualization and false-expectations that could creat disapointment. I just want things to unfold. Uncertainty scares me, but seems the most reasonable path. I need inspiration.

Emotional Dependence is not my life purpose. Life Purpose in taking responsability for my own actions towards self-realization, let the results speak for themselves and don't expect any outcome. I am the first and last person responsible for my own emotions. People and various situations are not in my control and I must accept the imparmanence of life and don't be dismovated by that, the universe must take his route either good or bad my current worldview state is, and I have the power to take command in the direction, I must assume the command, nobody else will command for myself. Other people are not in charge to uplift me, I am the one who is doing the uplift (they just take the apreciation of my upliftings). Do it for yourself even when no one is watching.