Cineva

Not sure if I'm going to die of physical death or complete ego death but I've had a strong feeling since I was 14 that I will die before I reach my 30's. I didn't know anything about spirituality back then and it's just a strong feeling about it. Does anybody else experience something familiar ?

I'm 22 , I've always been a relationship guy and committed to staying with women for at least 1 year since I was 16. My father told me since then a couple of times that I shouldn't stay in relationships and just go out and be with as many women as possible in my teenage years just as he did. The belief that a young guy should have sex with as many partners as possible also got deeper ingrained in my mind after talking with a lot of people and hearing the general mentality of what a young man is supposed to be. Because of that I always felt like a wuss for being too romantic and staying in relationships partly for that reason and partly because I don't consider myself as the man that society portraits as being an alpha fuck-machine. Every time when a relationship ended I promised myself that I won't commit to any woman but every time I would meet somebody that I would fall in love with and forget about this ridiculous idea of becoming a seed spreader ( lol ) After a couple of months (usually around 6-7 months ) when the main euphoria passes and my mind comes back to me I also come back to the idea that I should be a combo fucker ( lol ). My dilemma is that I genuinely love my girlfriend but a part of my mind is infected with this idea and I fall into lust for other women. I've been honest and discussed this with her and she said that as long as I still love her everything is fine. She kind of gave me the idea that she would be fine if I sleep with other women as long as it's only sexual. I really don't want to get to that point in which I start messing around and I just want to learn how to understand my sexuality... I really want to stop my sexual urges that are spread all over and learn how to channel them on her only. Any thoughts ?Maybe some good books on the topic to recommend?

How can I not go back into darkness which seems to me as Something that always happens in my personal development? It seems to me like half of the year I'm going trough lots of personal evolution just to get back to the place that I started in the other half of the year and crash pretty hard into old destructive habbits. I feel like a part of me is attached to not evolving and destroying myself and I really want to break free of that self...

If you question the path you're on does that mean that you're not on the right path? How do you know when you're on the right path? Short story: I'm a 22 year old musician from eastern europe and got the chance to fullfil my dream of studying at a very good music university in London. But the thing is that at this crucial point I get a lot of doubts and I keep getting thoughts about choosing a different university in a different field like psychology. I tried rationalizing them and putting them aside but they keep comming back and I really don't know what to do other than ask online lol. Should I push trough them and follow the initial path that I felt a pull for or listen to my intuition that it's telling me something else? I got really confused also about sadhgurus videos where in one he talks about choosing a direction and never changing it even if it feels like hell and it other videos he talks about why should you do something if you despise it ? Any thoughts...? ?

I've been practicing for about 3 weeks now and the results are incredible. Even tough there's a lot of idolatrization in it , the techniques are fairily simple and work instantly(sahaja means spontanious) I'm curios if anyone here had experimented or tried it

@Codrina I just realised that all that confusion was coming because of being in low consciousness and feeling like shit. It's fascinating to see how I blame outer circumstances for my interior pain and I want to change them. I think if you really want to change your career you would have to do it after meditating a lot and contemplating for at least 2 weeks as you said. Thanks everyone for the responses

@Marah I first tried it in Iasi a few years ago and encountered the same thing as you did in Cluj but I gave it another try when I moved to London and I decided to experiment with the techniques. I discovered much less resistance while doing it than I did when I was practicing Kriya Yoga from the book that Leo recommended and it gave me a lot of clarity. It felt silly at first because the meditation involves some affirmations like "I am my own master" "I am the spirit" "I'm not gulity" or " please mother give me the pure knowledge"(Mother is either Sri Mataji or the Kundalini energy) but I was suprised at seeing how strong my perception shifed after the meditation. I do combine it with presence practice and it makes it much easier to be the observer rather than the content. It is worth a try in my opinion and for me serves as a powerful tool right now and I don't really understand how come it's not more popular with spiritual parcticioners also considering that it's free. Maybe a lot of people who give it a try ar put off by the idolatrisation that takes place from some of the people that are leading the seminars and the affirmations that are involved...

I've practiced meditation for about 2-3 years now and stopped in august. I've watched Leo's videos for about one year and really got into contemplating, journaling and even kryia yoga (for about 3 months) and then I just quit everything for some unknown reason ( maybe it's homeostasis ?) I also got into psychedelics and they really opened my mind and got amazing enlightenment experiences. But for some reason I completely quit everything and I just cant seem to get back on track on my own . I am very depressed , have very poor self esteem , I live like a total slob and don't even care about it , I eat shit food and gained a lot of weight , started smoking lots of weed and drinking a shit ton of alcohol , even started smoking cigarettes and going to prostitutes which is something i have never done before. I'm actually attractive to the opposite sex and a lot of chicks dig me but i have such low self esteem and the place I live is such a mess that i don't even bother trying to pull them to my place. This is going on for almost 5 months now... What the hell is wrong with me ? I also started to get suicidal thoughts which is something I would have never even think about for one second in my past. I've also lost interested for my career path which was a huge thing for me. I've had a very good paying job and I just quit it and I am going to be travelling a lot for some time and go to some buddhist monasteries and ashrams to get back into being, something that I haven't tasted at all in a while. Has anybody else experienced on their journey such a low conscious place ? I know what I'm supposed to do to get out of this funk but I just can't find the energy at all. It's like I have a huge weight pulling me down and I feel my brain like it's numb and slow.

@Sven I do have some cases of depression in my family and the thought that it might be clinical depression comes sometimes trough my mind because I've been dealing with it for a long time and it kinda reminds me of my mother in some way. I'm a musician so I am my own boss which makes things very difficult in times like these because I just can't find the motivation to study my instrument. I'm going to be travelling Europe and play on the street to get out of my comfort zone and I'm sure that will force me out of this low self I'm dealing with... I know exercise is something that gets me going but I just cant start at all... @the_wanderer Thank you so much for your positive thoughts. I think this is one lowest low I have ever experienced and it's nice to have somebody to remind you to wake yourself up. I don't really know how everything just slipped away but I know I'm responsible for not taking action now. Come to think about it , I should visit a doctor to get checked after the huge amount of alcohol I drinked on a weekly basis because I am kinda killing myself @Salvijus I do feel this low energy in my room all of the time and I i did socialize with a lot of low conscious people in this few months and I mostly wear dark clothes. Actually, one big thing that started it all was me getting back into socializing. I lived mostly alone, almost like a monk, meditating contemplating and following a strict routine until i started to get into drinking with some old friends... @Mohammad This happens constantly for me on a yearly basis. I have a few months of very good progress and then some other few months of hard crashing and complete non-productivity and slacking off. Usually it comes with the seasons changing . For example, in winter I always get back on my feet. The phrase holy war put's things in perspective for me. @SpaceCowboy I do feel like I'm running away and I turn to compulsive behaviors and they're so sticky and hard to get out of them. Thank you for your support! Thanks to everyone for your kind responses which really are of great help to me!