Extreme Z7

You can believe only in things that you know cannot be expressed in words. At least, cannot be accurately expressed in words. Basically, you have to learn to believe in stuff that are not beliefs. Create belief systems that are bent towards destroying one's own belief system. Very tricky stuff.

I've always been interested about this concept about this issue of chimpery in modern society ever since I watched Leo's video "30 Ways Society Fucks You In The Ass". I want to learn more about this topic. If anyone here knows about any place where I can learn more about social systems and social behaviors in modern (preferably western) society, please let me know. I think it may help me progress more towards self-actualization.

<--[03-06-16]--> Generic Artist Contemplation #45017 I've pondering what it is exactly I'm spending with my time and what I want to call myself to other people. I mean I've dabbled with music production, developed a few games, learned how to edit videos and upload them on YouTube, and I even am trying to learn Japanese. And now I've decided to start writing stuff in a blog because I wanted to. (http://extremez7.blogspot.com/). The reason why I started it because there are some stuff out there that I really like that I just want to talk about. Don't worry, I'll be exclusively talking about my opinions on other people's games and music (and some other stuff) there. It won't be my new self-actualization journal. In the blog's first entry I talk about リズム天国 (Rizumu Tengoku) which is a Japan-only GBA title that I like very much that some people have made an English hack for. Playing the game a second time pretty much inspired me to write about and talk about how much I love the game. Anyway, my mind decided that a good label for what I love doing everyday is being a "multiple hobbyist". I actually see many other hobbyists entering the same phase too where we actually are in an era where most of us have multiple interests and spend so much of our time in different things. Although, we do tend to focus on one particular hobby like I do with music production, to an extent we have an unhealthy desire to be good at everything. As I've experienced, this is both an ambitious and neurotic trait. On the one this can be a very motivational mindset to have that can be a source for a lot of energy but on the other hand, it can give a lot of anxiety to accomplish a lot of different things while at the same time having to make way for activities that you don't like but need to do for survival in today's society like in my case, going to college. This is all I want to write about today. Keep upgrading everyone, I'm signing off.

@Sam Meh. . . you'll learn to be more comfortable in your own subjective reality. Whatever happens externally, whether it's betrayal or anything else, it's all just content from the outside world. You have to learn to master control of your subjective reality. Study it, Know it, Be it. What is happening to you is not the problem here, it's your resistance towards it.

@Sam Getting rid of all negative perceptions of reality is just step 1. If you're really honest and want to be dedicated to start creating the reality you want to live in. It's going to take an extreme amount of patience and persistence. Literally what I'm saying is that you will learn nothing from my reply. You yourself will have life-changing realizations over the next years if you really want to put in the effort to solve this adversity you have in your life. Good Luck, you're going to need a LOT of this if you're just starting out.

It's going to take a really really long time. Don't worry, you're not permanently fucked, everything is temporary everything comes and goes. Stop overreacting. Also DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT write stuff like "this pitiless world we live in" because you're assuming that everyone else sees the same world you do. This is a fairly common use of language I see many emotionally troubled people do in the internet. The reality is that other people do not see your misery and the all the negativity you see in the world is ultimately created by your own perceptions. Only you can figure what needs to be done to fix whatever problems you have. This is actually going to take years so be very patient. Calm down, try not to distract yourself, and then get a clear idea of what you want to start doing to fix your problems.

<--[03-05-16]--> I Don't Feel Like Writing an Entry Today as I Feel This Was A Pretty Mundane Day So I'm Just Going To Put Everything In The Title For This Entry Because I Just Spent The Entire Day Doing Stuff I Wanted To Do Anyway Like College Work and Reading About Educational Stuff I Want To Learn About and Also Creative Work Too So I'll Just Write Nothing But a Semicolon ;

<--[03-04-16]--> Strong Determination Nothing I tried doing Strong Determination Sitting today for the first time. I tried doing it for 1 hour, not sure what other people are complaining about, it was surprisingly easy. I'm not saying it WAS easy, just relatively easier than what I've read other people say about it here although it was really difficult nonetheless. Okay it was not a perfect session, for the first 20 minutes I tried doing it with my eyes closed and occasionally I would feel my head bob down because it was almost making me sleepy so I deduced that I should not keep my eyes closed during the sit. For the remaining 40 minutes I successfully sat there motionless. I kept having urges to move and do something else, usually pretty normal for a meditation session of mine. I have to say, it was definitely more effective my normal Zen meditation technique. My normal meditation frequently has me flying off to fantasy land having dreams about impossible occurrences in reality and ideas for whatever creative thing my mind comes up with. With SDS, I was able to achieve levels of mental clarity that I have not yet witnessed in previous sessions. I felt a strong sense of control of my emotions and body during the sit. I could feel my mind and body begin to have sensations of sadness and frustration when it could not move to get rid of a passing pain or itch. I could feel myself power the resistance to the negative feelings and stay clear headed. I was very happy when my smartphone beeped signalling the end of 1 hour, I could finally feel a bit of relief. I should try doing this again a bit more times.

Woah! It's really awesome to see somebody else starting to make the decision to change one's life. Personal Development reveals a very long and difficult journey. Even something as simple as meditation has incredible depth and power in life that you won't be able to see until many months of consistent meditation down the line. Looking forward to seeing your advancements!

<--[03-03-16]--> Self-Image I think it's about time I talk about another one of my personal problems I encounter everyday in life. This is a very personal one, it's my self-image. Notice that I've recently changed my username. For the past months, I've been changing my username on my YouTube and SoundCloud page because I have trouble deciding what I want to stick with but that's just the surface level stuff that occurs from this problem I have, it's not even that much of a problem. I have major self-image issues. I constantly have anxiety over what I create as an artist because of this. I can't even begin to describe the conflicting voices in my head that tell me that I'm supposed to be manifesting a particular style in my works. Voices that tell me to pursue this style of music or that style of music. Or tell that I'm supposed to think this way or that way. It causes a lot of anxiety especially as an amateur in my craft. I hope to be able to slowly build myself to transcend this problem in the future but for now, I find staying in the present moment 100% helps a lot. The problem is I have to keep reminding myself to stay in the present moment. Whenever in the present moment, there's clarity with reality. I know that in reality, the self-image is not real and it's all an illusion but it seems my mind has not committed that yet to the subconscious. If only personal development were THAT easy, huh? That's all I want to write about today. I spent almost the entire day working on college stuff and going to the scheduled lectures. It was very boring and I'm exhausted, I'm going to bed.

I think the saddest part of this story is that what the four guys were advocating are really positive stuff. It's genuinely good to be physically fit and healthy, attractive to the opposite sex, and rich, and even addicted to your own consciousness. The problem with these four people is that they are ultimately distracting themselves from a psychological truth that might scare themselves shitless. The truth that it is impossible for the person to be happy. A big delusion among modern society is that it is possible to be happy as a person. This means that everything a person does, no matter how significant it is in his life, is psychologically impossible to make one achieve happiness. The person also cannot know happiness. Here's a twist though that I'm sure a lot of spiritual seekers have realized, we are not people. This entity we know as "the person" is an ultimate fiction and therefore everything this person knows is a fiction as well. If a person thinks he is happy or something has given him happiness, that happiness is a fiction and will soon to be shown as an illusion. However, as existential beings, it is very much possible to achieve happiness. In fact, we are already happy, not only that, our entire being IS happiness. People have used other words for this same concept of being: freedom, love, God, Christ, whatever you want to call it. The reality is that the person is always hiding itself from the true nature of reality. Why? Because in order to see this happiness, the person has to die. And it has to die as soon as possible. The person is all about survival. Without distraction, clarity remains. Clarity will dissolve this person as if it were a vampire under the sun!

<--[03-02-16]--> Simple Joys of Unhappiness Pretty mundane day overall but still tried to enjoy as much as I could. College life took a large portion of it again but if I take into account Leo's advice in his last video, the trick is not to finish/ignore college, it's just to come to an emotional surrender/acceptance of the situation. You know what? I would like to stop spending so much attention on college life but that's actually causing me a lot of misery. The only times I actually feel college is affecting my life the least is when I actually sit down and do whatever I need to do for it even though I know it's not helping me advance in life in anyway. However, I'm going to have to muster up the emotional control to deal with it while still leaving enough time to work on other aspects of my life. I don't want to spend all the hours in my day only working on college stuff, that would be even worse for me. So far what's really helped me here is balance. Meditated by the ocean again today, I still haven't yet reached a point where the voice has quieted enough to get a clear picture of everything going on around me. I still have a lot of work to do in this aspect of my life but so far, this is where the most progress I see happening in my personal development so far. I got a deep sense after meditating today that I (the person) is actually quite unhappy and miserable where as the awareness feels subtly peaceful. I'm oversimplifying the experience obviously, subjective consciousness is very hard to explain. Speaking of unhappiness, I realized my misery is mostly a result of years of conditioning in my early life to expect certain things. (Again, I'm trying to simplify things) A lot of those things I do not have in my present situation and if what I hear in psychology is true, even changing things to make it closer to what I've been made to want will not make me happy. I'm think I may need to work more in contemplating my life and the directions I'm going to take in the future. One part of me is constantly unsatisfied and with neurotic thoughts while the other part finds joy in this reality, I've always enjoyed challenges, I find it hard to see or even believe that finding peace of mind in this lifetime is possible but as I've said before, I am incredibly persistent. It's like taking joy in this journey through unhappiness. In other news, still making progress in that learning Japanese thing which want to learn because why not?

<--[03-01-16]--> March Already? Damn. . . I did a little bit of everything today. Did some college work; practiced a bit of music production; spent a bit of time on the game I'm developing as if it was a novel; did a bit of learning Japanese; watched some Youtube Let's Plays; and then spiritual work. Meditated by the ocean today. The meditation wasn't one of my best sessions but I felt today in general was one of my most mindful days. When not meditating I hope to be able to at least practice the art of mindfulness to its full potential. It's a simple thing that on the outside may seem like nonsense to focus on because of how stupidly simplistic it is but I can't help but keep noticing just how much it's improving how I feel about the day overall. Anyway, I want to do a little February recap: * A few people who noticed my Journal have decided to start fun discussions with me online. Really appreciate that. * Was able to share some of my recent hardcore tracks. I want to learn as much about music as I can before I die so I'll be expanding my horizons with music in the future * Still as lonely and isolated as ever, but you know what? It doesn't matter, I can't even begin to describe just how much mindfulness and spirituality have helped me to tolerate all sorts of negative situations. Besides, personal relationships are going to come up on their own in the future anyway. * Doing pretty mediocre in college, don't give a shit. * Video games!. . . didn't play a lot. Didn't feel like I needed much external comfort. * Still watching YouTube videos everyday, they're just so easy to do. I don't spend too much time on them though, I try to have clarity to what I want to get done everyday. * Had decent work done on the indie game I'm developing as a single developer. Still not sure when I want to start talking about it though. There's a lot more I want to talk about but these are the first things that come to mind. I'm sleepy. Off to Dreamland I go. . . again. Til' next time.

I'm a computer science undergrad. . . so I'm a logic guy? I don't know. Anyway, that might count as being a math nerd who's into personal development.

<--[02-29-16]--> EXP +100 Today was fairly smooth. I had a lot of college work to do today. I managed get myself to control my emotional self that hates everything to do with college and actually motivate myself to actually finishing the coding work required. The deadline for said work was today. Even though I still needed to spend some hours in lectures, I still had enough free time to code my way to finishing the requirement. So that made me feel a bit better for the day. I spent a lot of time in my head thinking about the concept of 'existential nothingness'. Yes, I'm still listening to those online lectures about enlightenment. I focused a bit on mindfulness practice just trying to be experience. Of course, thoughts and imaginations keep arising. I'm still very early in this journey, can't expect anything big yet. Although, I find Moojiji's spiritual lectures very entertaining. I first talked about this same lecture in Entry #02-22-16 by the way if you're interested in watching it yourself, very profound. King: "Nothing is higher than God!" Yogi: "Ah yes, but I am that." ^ Just an obscure reference from the video So that was my day, I liked this day. Not bad. Kinda felt good looking back. Nothing significant really happened but it was more positive than the average day I've ever had. Oh yes, I've decided to also start learning Japanese as it's a little ambition of mine. I've actually already started learning Japanese Hiragana symbols last year but that was very early in my personal development journey (I started last year so it was very very early). But I still didn't have the emotional framework to be able to remain emotionally invested for a really long time and so many other things happened and I eventually forgot about it. I've decided to start again from Lesson 1. I want to see how far I can go this time.

Good Luck, man. Haven't tried it myself but feel free to tell me how it was like.

<--[02-28-16]--> Meh. . . Nothing of interest to write about today. Did some studying for college. Read some fiction a bit. Then watched some tutorials online and some entertaining videos too. Played a video game for half an hour. And now I'm reading a pdf of Ouspensky's "The Fourth Way". Pretty regular day. What were you expecting more? Sorry. . . here's a picture of a. . . actually nevermind, I don't get what's so funny about posting a random image because you're not feeling motivated enough to write something creative.

<--[02-27-16]--> E-go away I don't think I've yet the mentioned the biggest problem I struggle with everyday, myself. I'm very neurotic. You might be sitting there reading this thinking "So what? Everyone is neurotic". But you see I find myself having to argue with my ego constantly. My ego is scared of uncertainty. It has a hard time trying to accept reality. Not uncertainty as in whether or not I'll be able to achieve my dreams but rather uncertainty as in whether or not what I'm chasing will ever make me happy. Enlightened teachers talk a lot about "freedom". This is the happiness that I'm talking about. My ego absolutely despises where it currently is. It wants keep doing what it wants and what it wants ONLY. The reality is it keeps getting pulled by other responsibilities. On days when I have to go to college, I have spend several hours in the courses and I'm left with very very little time to do what it wants to do. Even when I get to do what I want to do, ego still suffers and worries and is constantly thinking that I eventually am going to go back to doing stuff that I don't like. Why don't I like going to my college? It's boring. The course lectures are uninteresting to me. Here's the thing though, this is reality. My ego is very impatient. It does not want to accept this. Many times during the day, I find myself floating to fantasy land. (It has fantasies about so many things, by the way, but I want to keep them secret. They're going to disappear eventually anyway, I hope.) I've been doing personal development for about a year now. So I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise that I still have loads of work to do. But even that my ego refuses to accept. It wants to believe that it's at a pretty high state already. Or maybe it wants to fantasize about the higher states of the future just to completely escape the present, it's awful. Getting rid of the ego entirely will require faith and patience from me but that is a process that I believe will take years. Fortunately, so far I've discovered ways to slowly lessen the negative impact my egoistic neurotic self has in my life. Meditation - Good for the art of detachment. So far I haven't felt any significant effect it has had in weakening the ego but it has given me the power to at least detach from it at times. Also known as mindfulness. Visualization/The Law of Attraction - Learning this practice is like hacking for the mind. This technique is very different from fantasizing though. A lot of people miss this important point. Visualization is a technique that is very powerful for letting your mind do what you want it to do. First you need to instill a belief that you can control your mind (even though you can't but this is just a paradox you can ignore) and also that your mind affects what happens in your reality which is the key to the entire process. Learn about it and you can use this technique to visualize acts that go 100% against what your ego wants. Very powerful not just for productivity but also for overall emotional stability throughout the day. Journaling - I actually hesitated to write about my ego in this entry. I found that in my previous entries I focused mainly on the positive aspects of the day. Now, I've basically gained the courage to start filtering myself a little less. I'm a very secretive and dishonest person. I hide a lot of details about myself from other people. Don't worry, I'm working on opening myself out a bit more. I find that's necessary to rid the suffering. Oooookaay. . . I'm sleepy. I'm signing off and going to bed.

Emotional troubles are incredibly petty. This is something that's a bit hard for some people to accept. It takes practice to look through the sensations of the body and get your ass motivated to actualization.

<--[02-26-16]--> Ramble Ramble Anxiety Ramble Still suffering from a lot of anxiety. Not extreme anxiety, it's just a bit more constant. It arises occasionally then goes away then comes back again. It's mostly from dissatisfaction from my current situation and also occasional doubts about pursuing my future dream life. One of the challenges I face everyday is trying to keep myself motivated despite whatever anyone else thinks and especially what the voice in my head tells me. This is a challenge that I don't always accomplish. I did very little creative work today. The voice in my head is comparing my work to other people's work again. For some reason, whenever I feel surrounded by my negative emotions, a fear of pursuing any kind of long-term activity arises. The voice is telling me "all that work, and for what?". Fortunately, I never listen to it yet I feel like I need to wait for it to go away before I get back. It takes extreme resilience on my part to still keep going despite all the shit I've experienced so far early in this journey. That's one thing about me. I'm easily frustrated but at the same very persistent. But it's not enough, I find Mindfulness and Self-Motivation are the most helpful attributes that fight against doubt and anxiety. My meditation session today was great but not in a way you might think. I actually let my negative thoughts and emotions flow throughout the entire thing. I didn't like how I was feeling during the process but surprisingly, I actually came out feeling very calm afterwards. But here's something that I failed to notice until now as I write this, I was not exactly motivated to do anything. My head was up in the clouds in my peacefulness during the 3 or 4 hours after that the anxiety came back and now I realize just how little I stepped towards my goals today. I need to balance my work towards getting rid of my neurotic emotional troubles and learning to self-motivate. I'm pretty good at being mindful but self-motivation is something I'm only beginning to see the importance of. It also made me realize that my petty emotional troubles may not be the most significant problem in my life that I need to fix. So that's something. To be fair, I did not spend the entire day doing nothing. Laziness is not something I suffer from. (Maybe procrastination but I can keep that in check). I started the day with a random thought of wanting to start learning the basics of web development. So I did that and it took the entire morning. Now I have Joomla (an online Content Management System. . . basically you can make websites with it) installed in a localhost service. (Putting it up online costs money.) Today was half day in college so a large portion of the afternoon was spent there. When I got back home, my college mate contacted me via FaceBook and I needed to go spend the evening doing college work. So aside from the meditation practice, I accomplished nothing that I would be proud of. (Well, I'm a little but proud of the web development thing but that was just installation.) Do I think today was wasted? No, not really. This college work I don't like doing but need to anyway, I've been putting that off for a while so I guess it's like I'm stuck between two worlds and I got too immersed in one of them for quite a while. I'm going to try to balance the two in the future. Let's see where that takes me.

<--[02-25-16]--> I guess I'm not completely alone First of all, I would like to thank all of you who have seen my journal and supported me so far. I didn't think people would get interested in it let alone keep following the daily entries I plan. I decided to start this journal just out of simple curiosity of how it would be like if I started writing my current situation now then compared it with what my future self will write maybe 10 years down the line. This journal has helped me meet some new people who decided to leave replies to my entries. Not a lot of people, but enough to keep me motivated to keep self-actualizing and regularly updating it. For all those who follow my journal, I have big plans for being able to make a career out of making original content. I have amateur skills in music production, game development, and video editing. So far, I've focused only on my music passion in this journal. I will be talking more on other skillsets I want to develop in future entries. I also want to start my own personal website sometime but again, that's for the future. For now, shout out to @pOnG who so happens to live in the same town as I do. @DizIzMikey for being a cool dude. And especially @Soulbass who has given music production tips that I've actually used in my recent tracks and also has given me some support that has helped me a lot. The next step for me I think is to start actually meeting people in person. I have never had a close friend in my life before. My childhood as been predominated by technology and entertainment. Don't get me wrong, I love my video games. But I've missed a very significant part of life, that nothing in life is accomplished alone. But I still think that will also be for some weeks/months in the future. For now, I just want to focus on being productive. And speaking about music production, I managed to get a another track finished today. How about that? I want to focus on hardcore music at the moment but sometime I'll be expanding my horizons but I think it's important that I focus on one style of music at a time. My new track is titled "Tribal Tunnel". It's a track inspired by ethnic music. I sampled 2 acoustic ethnic loops I got from somewhere to make the song, everything else are either percussion elements or synth sounds.

@Soulbass Thank you!!!!!

Very well said, I enjoyed reading it. I'm still trying to figure out the path to my goals myself. I prefer to talk about them in my own journal.

<--[02-24-16]--> Friend? Dead End. I actually just went through some moderate feelings of frustration today. Here's something I have not talked about yet. I'm usually upset that I spend hours working on music I want to make but don't have anybody I want to show it to. No I don't mean online, I mean to a friend or something. Here's the thing, I don't have any close friends, I don't resonate with most of the students I meet in college. My brother constantly distracts himself with his smartphone. Who's left, my parents, pfff? Fortunately, I have met someone here in the Actualized.org forums who comes from the same town I live. I want to be able to meet him sometime, not to just shameless show him my work obviously, I want to be able to talk with someone about different facets of life in general. My collegemates don't do that very often. Mostly talking to each other about academic life issues and some pretty pointless topics about the entertainment they watch. That's another thing, I wish they'd stop spending so much time just scrolling through Facebook and giggling at all the memes. Even when someone actually does notice me making music (I make all my music with just my laptop), I don't really care about what they have to say about how "cool" they think it is. I want to meet other people who actually have some taste in music and am able to talk to in various subtopics. Not just look at someone doing something they've never seen before, react, then leave. Reversal: Don't confuse my rant with me thinking I'm doing something wrong. I actually think that what I'm feeling is perfectly normal. The majority of people lives, especially in modern society, revolve around quick gratification and chimpery. Personal development involves getting away from all that. It's a sign that I'm slowly putting in the effort to improve my life. Kind of like what they say about old drawing you've made. The fact that you hate them just means you've improved. Oh yes, some dickhead who's on my friend list (but shouldn't) just posted this video on Facebook. My attention got trapped for half the video then I forced myself to stop. I want you to try watching it too and see how quickly you can resist the temptation to watch the entire thing. Again I stopped watching halfway, so the highscore should be easy to beat. Good Luck EDIT: I decided to write a witty comment to whoever posted it saying "The saddest part is, the people who watch the entire video are the true idiots" BOOSH! Nice to end the day giving these fools a virtual slap in the face. I'm going to bed now. Dreamland awaits.

Having a strong ideology means being sensitive with a narrow set of ideas about how you think the world works and how you think it should work. This is a very big sign of neurosis. People with even an average level of ideological obsession rarely experience fast growth in life. In order to maintain the ideology, you have to constantly self-deceive and manipulate your actions and thoughts in such a way that it affirms what you think the truth is. Anyone who is not spiritually enlightened has an ideology to some degree. Even my words you're reading right now is from my own personal ideology. This is because an ideology is essentially a model of how the external world works. In order to function in everyday life, your mind needs to generate a model in which to follow. The problem is though, is that this ideology is not always geared towards finding one's ultimate happiness. Some people have ideologies geared towards validating their own suffering. Even some of the people who have decided to gear their model towards happiness are pretty ignorant of the proper concepts required to maximize happiness or hell, even understand what happiness actually is. One last thing, ideology is not the same is dogma. I think we should make the distinction that an ideology is just your world view and dogma is a set of external rules and beliefs you think you should follow which may be worse but I think ideology is a much deeper and more significant topic particularly with the orange stage of psychological development and probably even green. So what do you think? Let me know in this thread if you think this is a good video topic.