Extreme Z7

<--[04-01-16]--> April False Woop Woop! April is here. Can't believe I've been doing this for a while now. I just want to make a quick little summary of my March entries based on my previous posts. Flashback Time! Discovered the dam next to the ocean near my neighborhood. I decided it was a good meditation spot. Got neurotic about my profile name at one point and was secretly changing it repeatedly on SoundCloud but eventually I caved in and decided to keep using the username I've had since I was 11, Extreme Z7. The reason why I kept changing my username was because I kept having false thoughts that it would be important for the future of my possible creative career when in reality it's not supposed to matter. Tried doing Strong Determination Sitting for 1 hour. It was okay. Had some frustration with college life. I started a new personal blog where I sometimes write game reviews Word got out the one of the students at my college committed suicide. I personally felt nothing but apathy. Mostly because aside from the self-murder, I knew nothing about the incident. Just that it happened. Decided to meditate under a tree. The bugs decided to visit me while I do it. A spider crawled up my arm. A lizard actually showed up on my lap. And I handled both these situations pretty terribly by reacting instantly. One of the most emotionally difficult meditation sessions I've ever had. Made a commitment to study models of reality as much as possible. As of today, I still need to make the commitment again because I keep getting distracted. Talked about my past online encounter with a 40-year old man who thinks that the news is a good source of knowledge about reality. Still listening to Leo's work as I walk to college. Made some Hardcore Techno with FL Studio Bought a book called "Becoming Steve Jobs" by Brent Schlender and Rick Tetzeli. I've read the first 4 chapters and just amazed at how ambitious Steve Jobs was yet how terrible he was at managing companies. Although, I do see a bit of myself whenever it comes to his ambitious side, I don't think I would have the ego to get kicked out of my own founded company because I made too many costly decisions. (Also celebrated my 100th post on this forum) Bought a new book called "The Magic Ladder to Success" by Napoleon Hill. Very inspiring and motivational book but I feel it doesn't really talk much about models of the business and finance world. The book did tell me to keep notes of what was being read. I didn't. I guess I got too lazy to do it. It's okay, I'll probably read it again and just take note of important concepts that time. Bumbled about FL Studio, making electronic music cause my future depends on it hum dee dummm. . . . Leo's video "Why Rationality is WRONG - A Critique of Rationalism" is by far one of the most profound and eye-opening videos he has made so far. I'm really excited for the book he mentioned he was making for that video. If my level of awareness over thoughts can get heightened from one video, how much more for an entire book? Something tells me the book is going to have a little "deja vu" moments from when I first read the "Psychology of Man's Possible Evolution" by P.D. Ouspensky. Made some more electronic music and uploaded a track on my SoundCloud called "Chasing Dreams". By far one of my favorite songs yet. Had a really strong meditation experience at one point where I actually decided to lie on the couch and stare at the ceiling for five minutes when it was over. This one is very significant: I made an entry where I pondered my life purpose. What is my true dream? The one thing I want to keep working on my whole life. Well it turns out that one thing is three things. I have interest in Music, Games and Drawing. I find that my life purpose will not be fulfilled without having a career or legacy that somehow embodies these three different hobbies. Of course, within these fields I'm only attracted to certain niches but even then I have to learn to satisfy those niches. (Also finally drew my own profile picture which I really like a lot) Another big one, In fact, this one happened last week. I decided to spend 48 hours of my time working in a game jam. I challenge to make one game within 48 hours is by far one of the most stressful and extremely pressurized situations I've ever put myself into. I'm really glad of actually finishing the game I wanted to make just 1 hour before the jam deadline. Now I'm just waiting for votes by people who happen to come across it in hopes that I make it to the Top 5 or maybe even the Number One. I want to end with this. The kids I met on the dam next to the seaside are some of the most friendly people I've ever been close to. Something tells me this level of connection with human beings is the next step to my journey of self-actualization. The next upgrade to the maximum level in life. Right now, I spend most of my time alone. I've learned to actually be able to spend less time in my head, despite this. I want to know how to develop connection with other people not just so I can interact with them with ease but so they can even call for my attention when they need it. How I'm actually going to go about doing this, I don't know yet. I don't even have a clear direction yet. Just "I want to make close friends" and that's it. That's all for today. This was a summary of what happened in my life this March. Looking back, those events seem to be telling me to keep moving forward. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

@Anna Konstantaki Agreed, but sometimes I wonder if my entertainment habits is causing greater stress than my hobbies and responsibilities. Basically entertainment and work life are two things we have to make decisions from everyday and at the moment, I'm not getting a lot of satisfaction from either of them. Despite the fact that I'm consuming more entertainment and am getting more work done than my past self, I'm actually a lot more worried and unsatisfied than my past self. Could be temporary but who knows what big changes I need to make, still lost and learning after all. Also who knows, maybe I have to eventually get rid of both habits. Enlightenment and what not. . . EDIT: Actually, when I think about it. I'm actually consuming a lot less, not more, entertainment than I used to. I don't know why I wrote that I was consuming more than my past self. Maybe it's because I've been so anxious and stressed out about my work life (both in academic and creative aspects) that it seems like the time I spend on different activities is a lot more valuable and a lot less abundant than it used to.

<--[03-31-16]--> Reversal Day So I decided to spend most of my free time today on studying as rigorously as I can. I wasn't very good at it though. I only managed to get a few pages in my head before deciding that working on promoting my game that I submitted to the game jam was more important. Also, college schedule meant I had little free time to spend anyway. Anyway, enough academics, next topic. I had a hard time meditating today because I decided to do it at a local park early in the day which meant I had to have to cook under sun during the meditation. I actually switched locations twice during the meditation because I was so uncomfortable. It's like trying to fall asleep while someone's pointing a flash light at your face. My post-meditation state however was very contemplative and very filled with negative emotion because I my mind was stuck in being dissatisfied with current circumstances. We all have an impatient mind sometimes, it's a really a matter of raising awareness and trying to learn about one's psychology which I find I really should be doing more of on my own instead of just watching Leo's videos. Okay, next topic. Would you like it if I talk about entertainment I consumed today? I guess I shouldn't really leave one's entertainment habits as an important aspect of one's self-actualization journey. Okay, so I listened to a lot of Monstercat EDM music in my headphones. I'm beginning to really like Monstercat music more than I used to. I also watched this funny video about Mr. Bean playing in an orchestra: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CwzjlmBLfrQ And some other stuff just to distract me for a few seconds before I go back to focus on what I was doing. It's 8:48pm as I write this. I'm actually quite sleepy already but I'm going to spend my time watching a few more interesting videos on YouTube before I go to bed at 9:30pm. That's it for today. I'm done.

@Anna Konstantaki Academic life isn't so bad as long as you think it should be part of your strategy for self-actualization specifically in success. Personally for me, just quitting the academic life and getting whatever job I need to survive would be very bad strategy at the moment. Again, I remember saying before that I need to create a plan before I graduating. I think graduating itself should be part of my plan so I have to keep working it through despite my dislike for it. I don't know about you, though but I hope this helped anyway.

<--[03-30-16]--> A New Journal Milestone? Uhmm . . .My journal has hit 1000 views today <party blower sound effect>. Doesn't really mean much, obviously but hey, I'm glad people have been reading my journal work for the few months in been up here. Of you've been following this journal, I really appreciate that. Anyway, let's get down to business. Today was a fairly standard day. Not too gloomy not too excited for anything. Had a fair balance of work and entertainment. And decided to start working on a new song. I've been continuing reading Napoleon Hill's book "The Magic Ladder to Success". It's not exactly the type of book that I feel is teaching me anything new but it is helping me better understand the different aspects of my mind that I need to focus on in order to achieve the success-oriented mindset. I do think the book doesn't actually help you to learn practical ways to achieve certain mindsets. Instead, the book is more of a summary or list to remind you of things that you need in yourself to attract success in life. It does not really care about teaching you to become imaginative or enthusiastic for example. Instead it just kind of tries to remind you that you need these qualities and nothing else. It's probably good if I want to motivate myself, it's a pretty short book anyway. Not bad but I need to do more research or maybe buy another book on the topic of success. That's all for today.

<--[03-29-16]--> What On Earth Just Happened Today? I made friends with a bunch of strangers today. Weird way to start this journal's entry? Yeah, I think it is too. I met them just after I did my meditation session at a dam next to the seaside today. I usually don't expect a group of people I don't know to invite me to their little hang-out in the street for no reason. Well okay, I did make a funny gesture at one of their group members while I passed by them and somehow that made them curious about me which made them yell at me to come join them. Part of my mind wanted to leave them alone but I'm not interested in going back home early to work on academic projects that bore me to death. They seemed like a group of people aged around 16 to 18. Young people just hanging about on a dam next to the ocean. So yeah, I joined them. I come from the Philippines but my first language is English not Filipino so there was kind of a problem with communication for a while but I decided to just speak them the straight English that I'm used to and they basically made themselves okay with that but I had to tolerate them acting out some ridiculous stereotypes of so-called "English Speakers" in the Philippines. These stereotypes are so pointlessly divisive of cultures that I couldn't help but point it out but not in a rude way. If there's one thing that I realized about myself as I was with these people is that I'm mostly unaware of the material possessions and privileges I already have. These were people who thought the idea of buying a 400 peso book (About 10 US Dollars) was too expensive and they envied the fact that I had a 16,000 peso smartphone and even owned a laptop that I carried around. And here I am now realizing that the reason why I'm so unsatisfied and ungrateful with these possessions is because I keep looking at people on say for example YouTube and wishing I had the stuff they had. I've even talked about my dissatisfaction with my current financial status in Entry <--[02-16-16]-->. I'm just now realizing that it's just neurosis. In other words, it's not a real problem. Here's something you'd be interested to hear. Instead of flowing with them ogling over my possessions and also thinking I'm intelligent just because I speak English and am taking a course in Computer Science, I decided to use my speaking skills to divert the conversation to self-actualization concepts because there was no way I was going to miss any opportunity to do so. I talked to them what I could about true ambition in life, my lack of desire for marriage and relationship, laziness and mediocrity in modern society, the trap of modern business and advertisement, the fact that I feel mostly lonely and that it's important to know how to make friends but it's important to actually know what types of friends are the best, indoctrination in culture, meditation and existence (Although, in retrospect, I should have probably kept my mouth shut about the existence bit because they couldn't understand a word I was babbling about), and finally I talked about life purpose and told them that each one of them has a unique purpose in life that they need to find. Most of them listened but they didn't seem to take me that seriously, except for this one guy. One of them, whose first name is Krystum, was listening with his eyes wide open, seemingly staring off into the distance, with his jaw slightly open. I mean I'm just grinning as I'm writing this description. He was listening so intently that I started to focus my eye contact towards him and only him. After a while, we decided to leave the dam and go somewhere else and I then I really started just talking directly to Krystum. We talked as we trailed behind the other people in the group. Krystum mentioned his interest in logic and science. I asked him what he wanted to become and he said he wanted to become a detective which I could sadly see was a juvenile and probably not well thought out choice, what I mean is that I didn't think it was grounded in reality because when I asked him why, he replied that it was because you get to use logic as a detective. I didn't outright tell him that he can't be a detective but instead I told him that's it's a very good thing that he has an interest in these two fields but I stressed the extreme importance of really thinking about your future. We where at a place with a table so I thought this was an opportunity to open up my laptop show them my latest product of my game development life purpose. I could have decided not to do this but I decided to do it anyway despite my higher self telling me its not really worth it, I was just doing ti to brag after all. It was the game jam game that I talked about two entries ago. I have to say showing them my work was considerably less enjoyable than when I was talking to them 10 minutes ago about what I think about life. Especially when it took so long for Unity to open up. Bragging about creative hobbies you do when you're alone is just a magnitude of difference emotionally compared to talking directly to people with intent of changing their lives and expanding their worldview. That's a neat observation I think anyone reading this should keep. We were about to decide to part ways now. I really did not like the idea of leaving without any information whatsoever about how I would be able to meet them again. Krystum left me his phone number when everyone else decided to walk off ahead of us. Krystum, I would say, is a lot more aware than the other kids but he still has a lot to learn, he still has religious dogma, he still does not recognize the limits of science and logic, and he needs to really think about his life purpose but I think he has a higher chance of escaping this social matrix we are in than the other people in the group. The others where a lot more fun in their interaction with me and they were really good with socializing with each other and other people, they certainly were a lot better at talking to me than I was to them. However, they don't possess a critical mindset in approaching reality and actually where dare I say "monkeying around" a lot as I was talking to them about self-actualization. Maybe they'd nod their heads a few times but in a kind of "yeah, I feel you brother" kind of way and sometimes they'd reply to me with something that obviously was intended for a humorous reaction from everyone else. It was not annoying to me at all, I just can't help but think of the concept I learned from Leo known as "chimpery". I'm sorry but I just can't help but feel like I'm in a contemplative state after all this. This experience really made me think. After writing all this, I can't help but think about what life really is going to be like for me in the future. What's in store for me and my life purpose? I feel emotions flowing through my chest that I can't help but use emoticons to try to convey how I feel. I feel neither hope nor helplessness, only wonder. Wonder. . . I wonder . . . . I wonder . . . . ... . . . . . . . . .

Your probably already thinking about the stereotypical teenager who typical teenager who spends ours of his/her time staring at a smartphone but I also like to bring to attention the person who considers himself scientifically minded and cares a lot about what technological advancements he has and gets into the hype of future electronics like virtual reality and all that other stuff. I have nothing more to say. I think it's an interesting topic but I really don't think it's that deep.

<--[03-28-16]--> Quite Anxious Today Actually I neglected to mention that the 2 days I spent working on a game meant that I had to decide to sacrifice time to work on my academic performance. I know I said before that I don't like doing academic work but really what I meant is that I hate the social matrix we're in that overvalues academic pursuit instead of REAL education which involves being really good at something you really want in life and not just something other people are telling you to do. I love learning and I don't like getting low grades so now I have to really catch up on all the stuff I need to do. I have so much. I need to study for this exam I need to do some work on this CS Project. I do think the curriculum in my college is really messed up and eats up so much time that even working on the academic work alone will require a lot of complex scheduling, how much more for someone like me who also wants to spend time building the future that I really want. All these are causing me a lot of anxiety so much that it's making me not want to go to sleep early because of lack of motivation of living the next day.

<--[03-27-16]--> Why I Haven't Made An Entry For Two Days Hey guys, I'm back. If you're someone with unnatural observation skills, you might have noticed that I didn't write an entry for last Friday and Saturday. This isn't because I've given up on this journal. That would be pretty abrupt considering my I decided to write about my life purpose in the last entry. No, what happened was that I decided to enter a 48 hour game jam. If you don't know what a game jam is, it's a contest where the participants are challenged to build a game usually from scratch within a short time period. Sometimes, you are given a week, sometimes 2 weeks to work on it. Some jams like the popular Ludum Game jam which is held yearly have you make a game within 24 hours. Some jams are held in conventions but most of them are organized online with certain rules. I'm always up for a challenge, I already knew about this jam a week before the contest started but what I wasn't prepared for was the amount of stress and pressure I started putting on myself the moment the jam deadline started. I only had a vague idea of what I wanted to create and my mind was overflowing with ideas so much so that I had to cut a lot of my ideas as I repeatedly checked the jam page to see how much time was remaining. I needed to sacrifice a lot of ideas I wanted for this game I wanted to make a more realistic model of a game that needed to be done within 48 hours. Around the 24 hour mark of the timer. I found myself targeting certain ideas that haven't been implemented on the game yet and asking myself if I need it then cutting it out. For example, I decided to cut the idea of having a boss battle. I had far too little time to actually work on a big ass boss battle. I also cut out about 66% of the ideas I had for how some of the enemies are going to act. Also, I wanted powerups but I also scrapped that idea to save time. I wanted a really complex arcade action game but I had to learn the value of simplicity. Quite paradoxically though, I learned that having more stuff does not always make a better artwork. The final product was simple enough to be made within 2 days but not too barren to be boring (in my opinion). In short, I actually ended up quite proud of what I created. If you want to check it out: Here's the game page: http://gamejolt.com/games/rockin-skyball/136444 A screenshot from my game. It's not a masterpiece but I do hope it's worth 2 days of constant effort to people. Aside learning a lot about game development about this experience (Because the intense pressure to make a game I've never made before within a short time limit had me absorb as much knowledge on how to use Unity as possible), I actually learned a lot about myself and my psychology. First of all, I definitely have a problem with being realistic about what can be done under certain external circumstances. Like Steve Jobs and his relationship with his products. I know I just compared myself to Steve Jobs but this unrealistic relationship with creative power is actually a negative trait which caused Jobs multiple failures early in his career. I know, I mentioned buying a book about Steve Jobs in an earlier entry. Also, I've noticed a higher tolerance for extreme stress, panic, and anxiety which I personally want to attribute to my meditation habit (Thanks Leo! ). I learned however that meditation does not lessen or get rid of the negative emotions, it only raises your tolerance. I actually experienced two moments of paralysis from panic during the work period but I just let them happen and then continued to push through. I was so stressed out and worried that I wouldn't be able to finish the game in time. Had I not, I wouldn't be able to submit it to the contest. I could still upload it but my main goal was to challenge myself to actually submit the game to the jam. My mind was running back and forth wildly between thoughts like "Oh god, only 24 hours left, that's half jam period done and I'm about 30% done with my game, HURRY HURRY HURRY" and "Okay, I think I can do this. Hopefully, there's just enough time to finish what I want done. Gotta get back to work though instead of hanging around my thoughts". I slept at 12 midnight and woke up at 5am for 2 days. I told myself I would take as much time I could possibly take. In the end, was it worth it? I think for me the experience of the intense pressure I exerted on myself was more important than the game. I wanted to make a game with an idealistic mindset and found how emotionally tasking it is to make an idealistic mind create reality. I doubt it's more difficult than being on a retreat to a Chinese monastery judging by what I've heard is done during these retreats, but it's still one of the most emotionally difficult experiences to push through I've ever experienced in my life. On the one hand, I'm proud I decided to challenge myself that way but on the other hand, I dread to think of what lies ahead. I know there is still more difficult stuff to get through when it comes to personal work. I recently finished and submitted the game I worked on the game jam's host site, GameJolt. As of writing this, there is still 1 hour remaining on the jam timer. Personally, I think my game is already fine as it is. I don't need to add anything anymore and I don't feel like I need to change anything. What I do need is to meditate. I was so focused on getting the game done within the deadline that I decided I needed to skip meditation last Saturday. I told myself I would meditate for 2 hours on Sunday (which is today) and I'm going to do exactly that after I finish this entry. The jam is not over yet though, after the 2 day submission period there is a 1 week judging period where the submitted games are showcased and people online can play and rate the games. So basically my job now is to try to raise popularity of my game as I can before the week ends. I really worked hard on this game and I really want to get as many people as I can interested in it. The top 5 games will be reviewed and posted and a Fireside article (which is a blog site related to GameJolt). While the Top 1 winner will be showcased in the front page of GameJolt's site. For me, getting to the top spots is just a bonus. Even if I don't get it, it's fine with me, I still need to really focus on developing myself after all. But I really need to increase my connection with different creative industries if I'm ever going achieve external success in life. I know it's not a golden ticket but it's a step. Better than my work and future career remaining in obscurity to 99.99% of people. But hey, I still haven't forgotten spirituality and enlightenment. I did mention that I wanted to meditate for 2 hours today, didn't I? Well, that starts now. Bye again for now.

<--[03-24-16]--> Pondering Life Purpose I haven't bought Leo's life purpose course yet, can't afford it. For now I've just been pondering and thinking about what kind of life activity I will find the most worthwhile in life. I thought today about the different pros and cons and emotional attachment I have to creative hobbies like game development, software development, music, drawing and even animation. Here are the results: Animation: I actually found myself drifting away from animation the more I thought about it. I've always been a fan of animation especially western cartoons. I just love the wacky style and imaginative events that occur in most western cartoons. So fun to watch. But the more I think about what it would actually take to make good animations, it just overall felt a bit too far way from my strengths in life. I've actually had been considering animation for months now and even had ideas for cartoons back when I was in high-school but they were only vague ideas that were only in my head that I didn't bother to write down on paper because I was so naive back then. I think it's a good thing that I'm realizing that going down the road of animation is probably not that worth it in my life. It would help narrow down my target and increase my focus. Still, doesn't mean I wouldn't be interested to get opportunities to learn as much as I can about animation but I probably spending hours per week trying to master this field. Software Development: I am really good at programming and it's one of my biggest strengths in life. There's one big problem though. I have no emotional attachment in developing general desktop software even if it is going to improve the lives of other people. It just doesn't feel like the kind of creativity that would be authentic to how I think and come up with ideas. The fact that I have almost no emotion towards this field makes me distance from it even more than I do with animation. Game Development: I would say a big 'definitely' but within strong limits. I want to make games but only within limits and targeting only specific niches. I do not care for the most popular of video games nowadays and the most successful of mobile games. I'm a retro-hardcore nerd. I want to make games that challenge people's intellect and reflex skills while at the same time building game worlds that the player is interested in so much that it makes them want to learn about it more from a fan-made wiki page. I can probably build a good career out of being a game producer but games take a lot of time and money. Music: Music is something close to my heart ever since I was a little kid, just like video games. In fact, video games was the medium the introduced me to the beauty of music when I was little. Unlike games, I don't want to limit myself with music. I want to learn and do as many different styles of music before I do. I don't know, I seem to have a very very open-minded and adaptive ear. I can listen to all sorts of music and flow with it even if it's really distorted, noisy, or experimental. However, when I thought about it a bit more, I realized that only doing music in my life would not be fulfilling enough for me. Music is too easy and takes considerably less time to make compared to making games and drawing, speaking of which. . . Drawing: Drawing is something I've had strong negative emotions towards for almost all my life. I've never built up the skills to be good at drawing at my younger years. Which is a shame because I have so many ideas for visual art that are flowing in my head. I tried drawing at the earliest months of my personal development journey but I stopped after a few months. Looking back I noticed something that I didn't notice before, I was running on insecurity instead of passion. The more I think about it, the more I feel a sense of hidden passion towards drawing things (specifically cartoons) that the intense insecurity was masking. The more I develop my conscious awareness, the more I feel like this blob of insecurity is slowly fading and I could actually see a love for visual ideas that I have not imagined for myself before. I decided to spend a good chunk of today going back to drawing again. I decided to draw a cartoon robot and use it as my new profile picture. I really feel like I'm discovering a hidden source of light behind a looming shadow that I've been in fear of for most of my life. So this is what I ended up with: Result: It's probably a really good thing that I've identified that software development and animation are things I should not bother to focus on. On the other hand, I already know that I really love games and music and that it would give me intense joy to pursue both these fields. I want to make games that target my favorite niches but I really want to master the art of being a musical genius. I've also identified my insecurity with drawing and my awareness has somehow revealed some emotional desire to also be really good at this field especially with cartoons. Total Summary: Games, Music and Drawing but focus a lot on Music

<--[03-23-16]--> I want to write my entry early today. This is because I want to talk only about my meditation session today and nothing else. So I started by telling myself that I wanted to do a 1 hour Strong Determination Sit but 5 minutes into the sit I changed my mind and decided to do it zazen style instead (Zen Meditation). I managed to get myself really really still during this session. Very little unnecessary movements. After about 20 minutes, I started to get a sense that my flow of thought seems to be slowly releasing itself from my awareness. It was like there was still a stream of thoughts in my consciousness but they didn't seem like they were mine. It was like they were just arising out of absolutely nothing. After about 10 minutes I could feel strong negative urges to stop the meditation. It was getting a lot for my mind to handle. My awareness was focused incredibly in my vision and the electric fan that was positioned right in front of me. The thoughts and the urges could do nothing. After several more minutes my field of awareness felt like it was expanding. It was like increasing a FOV slider in a video game except there was a monkey on your back constantly nagging you to stop doing it and just get back to the game. After several moments, my mind started to drift to sexual fantasies and urges. I admit I got sucked into it. It was just too enticing. When I snapped out of it, my body suddenly jerked and I bowed my head down with exhaustion. My streak of being extremely still and quiet was broken and my awareness took a few steps back. "I think God just kicked me out of his house", I thought Despite my higher self telling me against it, I decided to check my timer. 8 minutes left. So I probably spent a good 40 minutes in a very aware state. I felt my lower self tell me to just spend that 8 minutes lying down and relaxed but of course I decided not to listen. I decided to get back and do the remaining time. "I wonder if God will still let me back in". During the last parts of the meditation I probably just hung out at God's front porch. I would describe the state I was in the first part as being in God's living room though. I had more sexual imagination crop up but the timer rang and I just stood up and walked to the nearest soft couch and rested my body. Released the tension, the sexual imagination disappeared, and ultimately, I felt like I just had a very valuable experience. I felt like I gained some rare tidbits of wisdom from God today but yet I feel like there is still much more to learn. God's house incredibly difficult to get to and staying inside for a lengthy period of time is a completely different story. I did learn that God absolutely hates it when your attention gets lost in complex movies that play in awareness. He'll kick you out before you even realize it. But God is very forgiving, He is the ultimate forgiver. He does not even care that I keep referring to him as a "HE" when in fact he's not even anything. . . . I wonder if He cares that I'm writing about him in this journal. What does God actually care about though?

@ZenBlue Very much like me before personal development and my lower self today with personal development.

<--[03-22-16]--> Chasing Dreams Today was a pretty weird day, I woke up and I decided to lie in bed and think about stuff for a few minutes (Okay, I'm just too lazy to get up). And amidst the stories of fictional worlds my mind sometimes creates, I actually had a vision of all the positive changes that could happen in my life in the future. Last time I had something like this was during meditation some time last week. I don't know, they're different from just thoughts about what can be achieved in life. Kind of like faint mental videos that play that almost overwhelm my emotional self. Sadly the emotions and visions are usually then flooded over by reality and the boring, mundane stuff that don't interest or stimulate me in life. Speaking of which, you know what does stimulate me in life? Making music. I MADE A NEW TRACK! This isn't hardcore techno like I've been posting before. It's just straight up emotional electronic music. I named it after the mindset I feel like I'm in over the past weeks. I'm just chasing faint visions all the time. I love it when I get an emotional hit from some external source or internal vision or thought but they are extremely rare occurrences. I think I've only ever had three or four in my life including the one I had this morning. I really have to value these visions a lot more. It's impossible to get the motivational high that is possible simply through remembering what it was like. I really have no choice but to wait for whenever the next one comes and just savor the moment. My emotional state is mostly a state of mild stress or boredom or tiredness or being in a procrastination mood. I have a lot to learn about being in a productive state of mind or even what's been called the "flow state". Which is a state I wish could have everyday (I imagine, it's possible). I don't think I'll ever be able to have that if most of my time is still spent on activities I feel are not aligned with what I authentically want.

I like the mountain analogy for enlightenment. I remember hearing in an enlightenment lecture mp3 that there are multiple paths in life but if you cross the path that takes you to the top of the mountain, you can see all other paths and get a pretty damn beautiful view at that. It's just an analogy but it does make one think.

<--[03-21-16]--> Don't Mind Me. Just Trying To Self-Actualize Here So it's Monday again, this means that my college schedule for today will take up most of my time. To the point where I had so much to do today that the schedule ended at 7pm. I hadn't even meditated yet which means I had about an hour of free time then I had to do meditation then go to bed then sleep. I'm actually writing this on the Tuesday afterwards because I didn't even have enough time to write this at night. Anyway, I did manage to spend about an hour making some music and I've also got that new game review finished in my personal blog. What I did like about today is that I tried to sneak in a little self-actualization work while in the middle of academic activities. A little 15 minutes before next lecture? Let me just read this new self-help book I just bought recently. I was not perfect at reading. Of course with all the other people roaming around, it's a little distracting. So I may have to re-read some of the stuff I read to actually get it drilled into my subconscious. The book I'm reading by the way is the same book I mentioned in <--[03-18-16]-->.

@7oo13ad Well, working on emotional control is getting results for me. And would probably also make it easier to pursue truth @Anna Konstantaki Agreed, people who base their entire lives on mental models are kind of stuck in a labyrinth of their mind.

@Thesleeperhasawakened Ummmm. . . okay? That has absolutely nothing to do with what I said but good to know what you think, man. EDIT: Oh I see what your saying now. No no, I didn't exactly mean to say that we can tell if someone is enlightened or not. Those are just words I used. The point of what I said is that the concepts taught about enlightenment are very different from the experiences that occur from doing enlightenment work. I personally am still skeptical about whether we can really call somebody "enlightened". Maybe we really are already enlightened and just have a weird egotistical human being in our awareness who thinks he/she exists.

@Augustus Yes! Good question! I'm not enlightened but my intuition tells me that the concepts of enlightenment that are being spread around are nowhere near describing how it would be like to actually be enlightened.

@Falk Agreed, I would be lying if I said I no longer have addictions just because I've stopped watching TV. There are still a lot of habits in my life I'm not supposed to have. I still have a lot of work to do.

Confusion is a very common response to pondering about post-rational concepts. But what's really important is actually watching your emotions. Why is it a problem for you to think about valuing truth over getting results? Most of the time it's just emotional discomfort. Learn to get rid of that and the thoughts just feel like they have no power over reality.

<--[03-20-16]--> @&*&($#&$(&@#SKADNAKSNDKJHJNKASJNDKASNLABELSARENONSENSEASODJASDJ I just watched Leo's new video and did some meditation work shortly afterwards. This is a really really really good video. And I'm happy that I'm one of the rare people on Earth to have been lucky enough to have stumbled upon the schools of thought (which ironically are schools that teach stuff beyond thought) to actually understand what Leo is trying to communicate. I really hope he has struck something in the minds of even just at least 5 rationally minded people out there. I know most rational people are going to have really dogmatic reaction without realizing how petty and dimwitted they look to post-rationalists. I don't mean to be blunt and I know that it may seem like I'm trying to say I'm above rational thinking but really I'm not. Like Leo, I just wish more people were to experience real spiritual awakenings and realizations of the Matrix we're living in as a society. It's quite bad really what's going on around the world in people's minds, the chimpery, the lack of awareness, the lack of love for life, delusions of wisdom, delusions of intellectual superiority. All of that are stuff I personally like to blame on excessive worship of rationality. You may be wondering what's with the gibberish title for this entry. Well, I didn't think I wanted to come up with a rational title for today so I decided to arrationally let my hands go free to type what they want. Anyway, time to get down to what I did today. Finished some college work that needed to be finished. Listened to some good podcasts while I was doing it. Worked on some music production because I felt like it but ideas were slow and I completely forgot to let my emotions involved in the music creation process. Hmmm. . . I'm going to finish that new blog post I was working on. I just need to take some screenshots of the game I was reviewing, put it in the entry then publish it. After that, probably going to read a book or something. That's all for today and remember, pay no attention to Mr. or Mrs. chimp while your living your daily life, mm'kay.

@ZenBlue You haven't been without TV for any longer than a week? That's surprising even to me. Actually when I think about it, I'm going to make a confession that I have probably never spent a day of my life without TV. It's not that I still actively watch TV everyday, it's that I still live in a household where there are other people who spend hours watching TV everyday. My bedroom is next door to my brother's bedroom which has a TV but mine doesn't and I every night I can hear my brother watching TV 'til 11 o'clock. Every breakfast, lunch, and dinner, my parents love to watch TV in the dining room so I have to actively will myself not to look at it. Even as I type this in my room, I can hear the dining room TV downstairs as my father washes the dishes. It's not a nightmare but it's so far away from living a life truly without TV having some sort of effect.

<--[03-19-16]--> More Actualized Life Prep Work As I said in yesterday's entry, I wanted to dedicate today to only doing academic programming work. I did just that only I shouldn't have been surprised at how inefficient I felt. The task was just so boring that I couldn't focus on it properly. I procrastinated for about 45 minutes total during the 4 hours I spent doing the work. On the other hand, I decided to bumble about with FL Studio and I had no complaints because thinking of different ways I can create and arrange sound was actually challenging to my mind. It should be really clear now why this mundane college work really gets on my nerves. I'm tired of having to spend hours of my time on boring tasks that I need to do to keep living in a house but don't fulfill me in any way. It's not the fact that the college work is programming that makes it boring, it's just the fact that I don't feel like I need to put any creativity and it's just not challenging enough. *sigh* oh well, few more months and then I'll graduate. I better have fucking clear plan of what I'm going to do by then. I know what I WANT to do but that's only half the solution of the problem. Good News though, I actually finished writing that new blog post but I haven't posted it yet because I have not yet re-read it for spelling and grammatical errors. Also, I have not yet added images to the post. This new post is a Retro Review for the PlayStation Title "M&M's Shell Shocked". I'm not really sure yet what type of content I want to put in the blog but for now I can only think of doing game reviews.

@ZenBlue Thanks. Despite trying to find the right paths in life, I still feel very lost. Still feel very naive about a lot of things. Leo talks about the first years of personal development being just prep work for the real thing so I might not have even truly begun my journey yet. Well, good luck with your TV habit changing challenge. Personally, I think TV is not inherently harmful. The chimpery of mainstream modern society is. TV is just like a funnel for the bullshit keeping society in groupthink. Cartoons are pretty okay though but still not perfectly devoid of chimpery. But I'm probably just saying that because I spent most of my TV time watching western cartoons even at my teens.

<--[03-18-16]--> Pondering the Future of this Journal I wonder how this journal would be like once I really start getting the results that I want. I can't help but notice I mostly post about mundane happenings in my life and my petty troubles with academics. What would be my attitude to it? How will I see my past self? How much personal growth am I going to notice? This is just some stuff I decided to think about just before I wrote this. Anyway, let's just get to what I did today. I decided to focus mainly on academic/college work today. I know I complain about it too much in this journal but I think it's about time I just deal with it and get what I need to do for it over with. It's only going to be for a few months anyway. I'm also going to focus tomorrow on more college work because I have quite a lot of programming to do as a computer science student. Decided to buy a new book today. It's called "The Magic Ladder to Success" by Napoleon Hill. Napoleon Hill seems to have built his career out of writing books about success-building. Quite interesting but what's really interesting is that the book warns you not to read the book without taking notes. I've never had a book tell me that before. Of course, I'm going to do it. I have a bunch of green index cards I can use to write with Didn't work much (at all) on creative work today. I want to focus for now on academic life. I'll get back to creating things when I can. Becoming Steve Jobs is still in my queue of books I want to finish reading. I may want to talk about it again when I'm done. Finally I ended today with something I'm not proud of. I spent 2 hours today just watching Let's Play content. It's been a while since I decided to let go and watch junk content for quite a while. I won't be doing it often obviously, definitely not going to waste hours of my time doing stupid shit everyday.