Extreme Z7

@Anna Konstantaki The latest video almost made me feel like a dummy. It's so simple in its message yet we haven't even thought of it ourselves. I guess some of us overthink things, really. I'm going to try to write down the techniques that work for me too.

<--[04-10-16]--> Reflecting On My Past Self Versus My Present Self Part 1 Today is a special day. Because it's not a special day. It's just like any other day. A day of being alive and present. I re-watched Leo's video on "Negative Visualization" today. It's basically a technique of reminding you what you have now because most of your misery stems from thinking about what you currently don't have. My mind still has not grasped the lessons from this wisdom fully yet. I still have feelings of emptiness and lack of fulfillment deep down but they seem to have distracted me from the fact that despite this, I still am in a pretty good place in life. My parents cook my food and wash my clothes for me so I don't have to spend time with those, I have the freedom to choose if I want to spend my time studying or doing a creative hobby or just relaxing with entertainment. I live on a relatively safe and quiet place. I can choose whether I want to watch TV or play video games or do something productive instead. When I started thinking about all this, it's like all the stuff in my head that I don't have is almost a complete fiction. They're not real, the stuff I have now are. More significant of all, I rarely reflect on comparing my present life with my past life. Mostly because I was in such low-consciousness states back then that I barely remember how it really felt like back then. In order to motivate myself to keep going, I'm going to try to compare how different my life is today compared to my younger days. Past: My mother would force me to study my school subjects even when I didn't to as early as age 6. She would give me harsh punishments if I performed any lower than average. This made me resent academics and also my mother deeply. Present: I study whenever I want and whatever way I want. No more boring forced memorization and also I don't have to worry about punishment from a higher entity anymore because I'm old enough to act more independently. Past: Spend almost all of my free time at home playing video games and watching TV. Present: Barely even spend 4 hours of video games per week and I have a NO TV habit that has been going on for two years now. It's alleviated me to spend more time on developing myself and my skills in life. Speaking of which. . . Past: Only really skilled at playing video games. Almost inept at everything else in life because my parents kept me in an environment where the outside world would barely challenge me. As a result, I never gained an interest in anything outside of games. Present: My feet are really close to the fire of reality. (A reference to Leo's video "How to Get Shit Done"). Over the past year, I've developed ambitions and visions I would never have imagined I would ever get. I have developed amateur skills in game development, electronic music production, and drawing cartoons and I plan to expand my horizon of learning even further in the future. Past: I never got to speak my mind at the excessive control my parents had in my life. Present: Much of the same actually. . . except now, I'm actually building my escape plan in the background. I still live with my parents and I recognize that I need to break away from it if I'm ever going to get to my dream life. Still very uncertain of the decisions I'll make in life after graduating but it will certainly be more productive for my life than staying where I am. Past: My high-school life was my most insecure phase of my life. Mostly, I never believed that I would ever excel in academics or really be any good at anything compared to my classmates. Present: I still am not getting amazing grades, however, I'm doing pretty damn well not only relative to the past but also to everyone else. I see my college classmates as very mediocre. They're actually the ones doing pretty bad now because they keep distracting themselves with the dark side of the internet (Social Media and other garbage content). I'm thankful that I've stumbled upon the wisdom here in Actualized.org to recognize these traps and build an extraordinary life. Past: I would rely on addictions for emotional stability Present: I've been through the strongest negative emotions I've ever felt in my life and barely complain about them. I still feel cravings and urges for addictive behavior that let me tune out from stress and worry sometimes so I'm still working on creating unconditional emotional stability. Past: Complete ignorance of enlightenment Present: Still complete ignorance of enlightenment, LOL. But I have faith with it, I guess. I could continue listing but I want to leave them for future. This one will be like my last entry where I'm basically presenting it as a series which I'll continue to add on to in future entries when I want to. That's all for today, have a nice day.

This is 'deja vu' for me. I started my meditation with 5 minutes a day too since 2015 August. I do it for 1 hour a day now and it still feels like I still have a lot of room to improve with meditation.

@Anna Konstantaki Yeah, I really do actually ignore a lot of the messed-up parts of my life whenever I write my journals. I worry that my journal really depicts me as someone who really is getting a lot of positive changes in life because I'm usually biased to write the tasks I finished during the day. But really, I don't feel like I've even begun to get true results yet. I'm not even close to reaching whatever vision I have for life and it feels like my growth right now is still very very slow. In relationships, I think the bigger influence is that I grew up as a kid with literally no friends. I'd just stay at home and play video games and watch TV all day and did terrible at academics. And I find that I'm even less likely to get into a relationship today because of today's technological age. More and more people distracting themselves for most of the day, being less and less aware. So of course it's going to be really difficult for me to find someone to really connect with. Personally, I think the better strategy is to become very comfortable with loneliness and change my personality to be the kind of person that attracts higher-consciousness folks. It'll probably be a lot better to find people who are also into personal development. Speaking of which, I actually forgot to mention that I actually hide my personal development habits from other people. For example, I've actually lied multiple times to classmates and relatives about what I do at certain times of the day when I seem to have disappeared. I avoid telling them that I did meditation for an hour. I think I'll talk more about it in "How I Lie Part 2" whenever I feel like making it.

<--[04-09-16]--> How I Lie Part 1 I'll be bullshitting myself if I said I'm currently living the life I want to be living right now just because I've been doing personal development for a year. Today, I pretty much worked entirely on academic requirements, specifically projects. And I still have more to do but on the bright side, it's actually nearly over and I can't wait to get back to be given full days I can potentially spend most of my time on creative hobbies. Right now, my mind has this desire to either do some drawing or continue the music project I started yesterday but I basically spent the entire day doing programming problems and am exhausted. I admit I do overwork and am bit of a perfectionist when it comes to programming project requirements in college so I really end up spending too much time working on it. In the end, I barely have any energy left to actually have fun making art because that takes some energy. I still feel a little drive left to maybe throw in a small addition to my new track though. Also while I was working on the project, I decided to play Leo's video "How You Lie" in the background. I've already watched it before but I wanted to get a recap. It's a really scary video to listen to because being brutally honest not just with yourself but with everyone else is a thing I have strong resistance to. If you remember the video, Leo basically made the claim that all lying is basically preservation of the "self-agenda." In order to try to use what I learned in the video to good use, I'm going to try to list some honest facts about myself to practice how to go against the self-agenda. I still have a lot of resistance with brutal honesty so I may not actually type 100% accurate information to you but just read on and honestly tell me how I did. I am still very insecure about my drawing skills. I draw in multiple sketchbooks that I used to show other people for validation but now I've grown to a point were I see that it's such a low-consciousness and insecure thing to do. But I still have not gained confidence from it. Instead now, I actually kind of hide it from people. I don't actually keep my sketchbooks in a secret spot but I wouldn't be caught dead drawing something because I don't want them to judge me while I'm doing it. I also specifically only like to draw cartoons inspired by the animation I used to watch as a kid so I'm also insecure that they might think I'm immature or child-like. I have no interest in relationships. I don't see the appeal with having a boyfriend or a girlfriend and I think people who do are wasting time. My higher self actually tells me from the point of understanding that from their perspective, they're having some of the best moments of their lives but even then my lower self still kind of glosses over it. Still don't have the courage to talk about my sexual interests, maybe expect it in the future when I'm more mature enough to tackle higher levels of honesty. I'm actually quite ideological about my beliefs with enlightenment. My shift from rationalism to post-rationalist thinking has made me a bit too excited to talk about enlightenment. I also noticed now that I actually developed a subtle dogmatic reaction towards rationalist ideas. Like, I watched a video about consciousness this one time, but this video was actually produced by rationalist and scientifically minded people. I immediately closed the video when the narrator mentioned "We can all agree that consciousness arises from the brain". Because after meditating for so long, I've basically concluded for myself that consciousness is all there is. I'm not going to talk about this further because this concept goes much deeper, maybe study non-duality for that. But really I want to make the point of the negative reaction I had towards a belief I deemed false. I have allergic rhinitis (an allergic nasal infection) which developed last year on February. It's been giving me constant soreness in my nasal passage and also causes some swelling that blocks up one of my nostrils sometimes. I've kept it a secret for a long time because I don't trust that my parents will bring me to a proper doctor because the first time I told them, they brought me to the cheapest hospital in town with a doctor that prescribed me medication that didn't seem to work. So I've been pretending for months now that it's fixed and my nose is okay. And my plan is to keep the infection until I get a job and a salary. And then use that money to find a "proper" doctor. Especially since I know that allergic rhinitis is a very minor condition, people sometimes go years, living their entire lives with it. I've had it for so long that I barely notice it's even there. Still, if I had the courage to be more honest. I think it would have already been gone by now. That's it for now. I could go on listing more but I think I've written enough for today. I really hope this little exercise will help me even a little bit. I'm honestly curious to how people are going to react to this because I basically made a list of some of my dark secrets. They're not really close to my deepest darkest secrets though, those are kept in the basement of my mind inside a locked chest that has no key guarded by snake men. They mostly stem from past events of my life and also the "weird" side of my mind. The normal thing to do is to keep them there forever for no one to see. But fuck being normal, I'm going to grow myself to gain the courage to communicate these secrets to people someday, honest. It will hopefully destroy a large chunk of the self agenda my ego is so rampantly defending in my life.

<--[04-08-16]--> Academic Performance Increase Today was a good day for me. Got a load of the back of my mind because I just finished an exam that I've been studying for for the past week. It just feels good that I was able to do the exam with ease because I spent hours studying the necessary concepts. Wasn't perfect though, a few unsure answers here and there but overall, I feel pretty confident. Today was ultimately just getting positive academic results from my work in academic life. I work pretty fast when it comes to programming problems and I managed to get some good work done in those. Still, this is less fulfillment and more just relief from stress and worry. Because I do get stressed out about worrying about academic performance, more than my classmates do. My way of dealing with it is just doing the study and work and completing projects as early as I can. One of the reasons why I feel this is significant for me is because it indirectly pushes me towards my life purpose. My academic life has absolutely nothing to do with my life purpose but my worry of it really hinders my focus on creative work which ultimately is all I want to do in life. The more requirements I get done and the less requirements there are left until the end of the semester, the more I have the clarity of mind to keep drawing, or making electronic music, or building games. It's really simple as that. Speaking of which, I really want to get back to making electronic music so I'm going to make this entry short and stop here. I plan my next track to be another Hardcore Techno/Gabber track. It's been a while since I've made one.

@Soulbass HAHAaaa. . . I really got a weird uncanny sense when I listening to the first track that the voice was familiar. Didn't expect Leo to be on those sound clips, in fact, I recognize the first clip from one of my favorite videos "Understanding Awareness". I really wish I had this journal back then because I actually had some sort of connection with consciousness after the guided visualization at the end of the video and then after about 10 seconds, it felt like the clarity completely faded away. I still didn't know how to sustain it back then. Also, the second clip was incredibly inspiring and deeply moved me. I don't know which episode that's from but it really makes me quite happy that I discovered this man's work on the right time of my life. I don't even want to think about what my life would have been like had I not stumbled upon his content or even if it didn't exist at all.

@ZenBlue I haven't bought the life purpose course yet. Can I ask what this documentary is?

@Henri Those words helped me as well.

Hello, I'm 19 and I have a problem. I mean we all have multiple problems. This is is just a particular problem that was running through my head recently: I realized today that almost all of my actions come from a deep sense of dissatisfaction with life. I have been doing personal development for over a year and I've always been working more on creative habits than I've ever been because I have the desire to create stuff I want to create, it's my life purpose in fact. The problem is I also have a very big interest in spirituality and awareness and it has raised my conscious awareness a little bit higher to see more psychological characteristics in me that I would have never otherwise seen. I came across a realization that almost everything I do stems from a deep sense of dissatisfaction. Not depression or sadness, mind you, just a feeling that I'm incomplete and I need X to fulfill need Y to be able to live happy. The more I practice meditation and mindfulness, the more I see that the external rewards I get from my work ethic will never bring me joy in life. I've watched Leo's videos on topics about happiness and it seems like all they're doing is pointing out all the different traps that exist that prevent happiness or satisfaction. It's been very helpful and am now extremely weary of these psychological traps but on the other hand, I still feel like I'm completely lost when it comes to searching for a feeling of freedom and complete removal of resistance to joy or love or whatever you want to call it. I would like to know what you think. I just want to seek help on this topic.

<--[04-07-16]--> Searching for Satisfaction (and also had a fight with a toxic person) Had to deal with a toxic person in life today. Got into a fight. Basically I'm in this group project in college and I just had frustration dealing with one of my group members who I can't help but notice is acting in a very obnoxious behavior. Basically, she's being overly self-centered. It started when she made a message on our Facebook chat that she was being overly stressed and that she's quitting, and then she just turns around the next day and says she's not, she explained she just "needed a breakdown" or whatever. Then days pass, she continues to complain about how difficult the project is for her in the chat and it just escalates to the point where I get frustrated and approached her in person today and it just ended up being a big nasty mess. Keep in mind that she's the only person in the group complaining, I even personally think this is one of the easiest group requirements that I've ever been involved in. I'm not kidding when I say she's just being self-centered. I observed her actions during our encounter and she really has most of the characteristics in what's known as a "vulnerable narcissist". Basically these are people who tend to seek attention and validation from other people for their suffering or insecurities. And if they get criticized for any sort of bad behavior or characteristics, they get defensive and mean-spirited. They will act and speak in borderline sociopathic ways and do what they can just sling mud at the critic. That's basically their tactic is to do what they can to insult whoever is insulting them. I on the other hand, fell into a low consciousness state and also started spouting insults at her, which in turn made her spout back. She didn't realize that I've basically spent hours of my time practicing emotional control, so her words really just felt empty and hollow. I got more calm and more mindful or observant as time went on. She on the other hand, kept bringing up the "insults" I said to her. I could tell she really didn't have the psychological power to let them go. I realized more that this kind of interaction is exactly what a narcissist actually wants. We all know narcissists crave attention more than anything else. And ultimately, I realized that it was a mistake to confront her because she gets sort of validation from other people recognizing her existence, whereas all I wanted is for her to cooperate in this group project. I left, kind of frustrated, but also focused on what I'm supposed to be doing next. I decided to take a walk from that incident. My mind slowly drifted away from what happened to my level of satisfaction in life, of all things. I began to ponder that everything I do, mostly in my creative habits, I do out them out of a deep sense of dissatisfaction in life. I'm not talking about like, in an existential sense but more in a psychological sense. I rarely ever feel emotions of satisfaction or completeness in life. Now this is something I realize I'm still working towards but I also feel kind of lost in how do I actually go about doing this. So I decided to make a thread about this. So far, I'm really amazed at the wisdom a few people have given to me in response. I'm really happy for this community of people in this forum willing to help when someone in need and almost always giving really helpful advice. I suggest you check the thread out if this is also a problem in your life, which it probably is. That's it for now, I also do hope you learn something from the story I laid out above.

Really? Never really thought of it that way. I'm still very early on in my meditation habit so I guess I still have a lot to learn.

@ALGUIMAR I really get that. I feel that the achievements I get from my creative work are really just hollow for me. Deep down, I dream of future of creating for the sake of creating. I want to create because I want to communicate my emotional and passionate self to other people, not just so I can get praised for it. I have interest in making games, music and drawing, by the way. My life purpose is communicating my soul with these mediums.

@Actualizer You may have point there. I don't really post my beliefs here too much because I mainly post about my daily events in my personal journal. But sometimes I come across a thread from someone asking for advice which I feel I can help with but I usually have small doubts that the advice I might be giving may be juvenile or naive. Despite that, I almost always seem to be praised for it. I don't remember specific examples of this but it does happen.

<--[04-06-16]--> 52 Minutes of Fun Meditation I want to talk about my meditation session today first. I'm actually quite proud of what I was able to do in meditation today. I decided to meditate outside, in the park. As I was looking for a shade from the sun, I noticed that all of them were already occupied by young couples spending time together or just people hanging out. I wanted to meditate in a place as far away from them as possible, I didn't want their talking to interfere with my concentration. Unable to find a free shade, I decided to pick a rocky spot in the middle of a small grass field. Keep in mind that it's about 2:30pm and the sun is still up shining with few clouds in sight. The heat isn't scorching but it's enough for me to worry that I might get a sunburn if I decided to do this for 1 hour. Despite my fear, I decided to do it anyway. I decided to sit cross-legged on the dirt. The sun was to the right of where I was facing and it was shining on my right eye a bit. I brought my big headphones with me so I used one cup to cover my right eye so it wouldn't distract too much. I have to say, I'm impressed at how much tolerance with high temperatures I've built in myself from my meditation habit. Recently I've been hearing complaints from my parents and classmates about how hot it is and I genuinely don't feel like I feel bad about the heat at all. It just seems so petty and easy to get over with and here I am now, meditating under the hot sun and it still feels like nothing. I did however still have very worrying thoughts that I could get sunburned but I needed to stay focused and let them flow. I could feel the sun's heat on my right ear and my non-sleeve-covered arms. It took a while for me to actually forget that it was there but it did happen eventually. As usual, I keep noticing the thoughts flowing through the mind. I still haven't made sufficient progress in quieting my mind during meditation. It's still as noisy as it usually even when a big glowing ball of fire is still heating up my skin as I lay dormant, cross-legged. I occasionally open my eyes a bit and see some people walk by me. I hear sounds from their mouths but they were always too far away for me to understand what they were saying so I'm not sure if they noticed and were talking about me. It's not important but that was a thought that was going through my mind at the time. I was fairly calm, not a lot of strong emotions were coursing through my system, that is until I started approaching my usual "last moments of meditation". I usually experience the last moments of meditation as the most difficult and having the most resistance. I think it's because I begin to lose more willpower as I go on and also my body starts to generate more tension for being in a dormant state for too long. I hate to say but I actually started to feel strong tension and pain around my buttcheeks. You may chuckle now but it was very uncomfortable. It started out small and subtle and escalated to the point where I needed to apply more focus before. I found myself ricocheting back and forth between being able to just feel the discomfort and almost deciding to ease the discomfort. After several minutes, I decided I couldn't handle it anymore. I started uncrossing my legs and experienced a sense numbness in my butt and also slight pain in uncrossing my legs. I checked the timer in my phone. 8 minutes left, which meant I spent an effective 52 minutes meditating. One of my best so far considering I usually have way less than 45 minutes effective meditation time in a single session. I decided to just sit there for the remaining 8 minutes then decided to stand and walk back home. I can't even begin to describe to you what I felt walking home. It was like I had glimpse of what it's like to be able to let the thoughts run free which is different from what usually happens in my mind. Usually I find myself uncontrollably trying to control my thoughts if that makes any sense. Also, I had a weird subtle sense of peace and happiness kind of originating from my chest (I think?). I don't really know how to accurately describe it. Right now, the feeling is gone. I'm not sure when the feeling will come back and how strong is it possible for me to feel it. It was something I don't think I've experienced before. Well, I think this is all I'm going to talk about today. I did do other things today but I find they're not as significant as what happened in my meditation session today. I feel like the consciousness was raised after it but it seems to have gone down to normal homeostasis for now. I know that's not enlightenment though, the fact that I'm still searching and feel like I have a lot more work to do is still proof that I still am not seeing pure existential reality. As I ponder my other activities today, they seem so much like a dream state compared to my post-meditation experience. The question going through my mind right now is 'When am I going to really wake up from this deep sleep?'

@Soulbass Yep, the first half of the video made me think that it was just going to be a motivational "Here's why you should stay on track on enlightenment" message. But the second half (Around the 45 minute mark) was a really persuasive section where he warns of the hidden catches of pursuing enlightenment and the current situation we are in and society is in with our egos. I like the part when he said that life without enlightenment is nowhere what real living is like. Life with ego is a hollow dream. We need to wake up. It's both very scary yet promising of liberation.

<--[04-05-16]--> MinDistraction I kind of had a hard time quieting my mind today. This is one of those days were my mind was going on overdrive for most of the day. Of course, my mind is always crowded with thoughts and imagination each day, it's the thing we're trying to get rid of with consciousness work. But this is just one of those days where I did not experience any form of quiet observation of my surroundings whatsoever. Instead for a long time, my mind stuck around in various trains of thought, just a variety of distracting mental worlds. I felt like I was experiencing the consciousness of a squirrel on crack for most of the day. Anyway, let's get to what I managed to get done despite this. I started the day realizing that there was announced quiz this afternoon that I forgot to study for so I had to spend a good hour doing that. Next. . . I got distracted for about half-an-hour by one of my favorite YouTube channels "YouTube Explained". I guess I couldn't resist this new video because I've always loved YouTube Explained's interesting and informative content. I suggest you also check him out but don't get distracted too much especially if you have something important to do. Okay next. . . Most of my morning was actually spent on making a new electronic track. I've uploaded it on SoundCloud now and it's a wierd one. I call it "Alice in Wonderland" because it sounds very psychedelic and I kind of associate Alice's story with psychedelic themes. Currently, I'm still at the point in my creative life where I'm just creating for the sake of creating. I felt like I was grinding through making this song. I think this kind of activity is also called "inate practice" or something. It's the most boring kind of practice where you're supposed to keep doing everyday if you actually want to see progress in what you do. Kind of like a daily meditation habit. Still don't know what's possible for me and creative ideas in the future I think and worry about it a lot. Anyway, here's the new track, hope you enjoy it: Meditation today was pretty alright. Unfortunately, I didn't get a sense that I was really aware. I meditated with my eyes closed and my awareness just felt like it vanishes into imagination. I feel like I really need to study more on consciousness and tips and techniques on how to really build it up to insane degrees and also hopefully meet a spiritual master who will hopefully help me achieve this goal. Next. . . Did a bit of work on a Computer Science project/requirement that I need to get done by the end of the month. No way I'm going to talk about this in detail, don't want to bore anyone with unnecessary details. AAAaaand that's it. I plan to do some drawing after this. I've been practicing recently. Then I'm going to watch some videos to entertain me then it's beddy byes.

Wow, you seem to be really committed to be doing something I find painfully boring. It's not the studying part, it's the academic part. Maybe it's just because I'm currently trying to complete a college degree that is not completely aligned with my main interests in life. I only find pleasure in reading and studying other fields that actually do interest me. Anyway, good luck in whatever exam you have to take, I could spend the time to read your future entries.

@Soulbass Although, I think it's still very important to acknowledge Leo's involvement. He's the reason why I'm here right now with the confidence to keep moving through life despite the extreme difficulty of pursuing self-improvement. Without him, I probably would have remained stuck in a psychological trap(s) laid out by some societal matrix or big corporate business. Me stumbling upon his content at just the right time in my life is the ultimate reason why I live inspired everyday and continue to get inspiration from his latest videos which seem to keep getting better and better and more profound. I still have a huge journey ahead of me and it's not going to be easy. This point of my life has been the most motivated yet the hardest struggle I've ever encountered in my life.

@Soulbass Really?! Oh well, you're welcome then. Inspiration is so hard to get these days. Didn't even think something I do everyday would inspire someone to do the same thing this early in my self-actualization journey. I mean I've only been doing this for about a year, I still feel like a nobody. Who knows what you and I could be 10 years in the future. I keep thinking about this video I posted on my YouTube channel:

<--[04-04-16]--> Another Lazy Entry Well crap, I almost forgot to write an entry and now I'm writing this late at night when I'm most tired and least motivated to write anything. Weeeeellll, today was just a standard routine day. I simply had a list in my head of all the positive things I want to make progress on today. And I did them . . . . . . . . It's really hard for me to write creatively when I'm sleepy. You know what? I'm not even going to bother, good night folks.

<--[04-03-16]--> A Little Bit of Free Time WITH The Internet Oh boy do I have a lot of things to do. I actually had to list down everything I needed wanted to get done. Aside from the obvious academic work I need to do to please my parents, I still want to allocate my time with all the personal development stuff. Okay so first thing I needed to tell myself to make sure to avoid as much stimulation and comfort as possible. Of course, this is not possible to do perfectly with a default functioning mind still with average willpower capacity so of course I spent half an hour watching a Let's Play at one point. You know, typical lazy ego stuff. Okay so what did I needed to get done? Well here's the actual things I decided to write down in an index card I had: * Avoid Simple Stimulation / Comfort * Study for Tests * Work on Projects * Practice Creative Skills * Meditate * Reading Watch Cartoons You may have noticed that I actually had reading crossed out in favor of watching cartoons. Seems like I pretty childish thing to do but let me explain for a bit. When I first wrote down the list, I thought it'd be a good idea to maybe continue reading "Becoming Steve Jobs" or something but I decided to delay it for a while in favor of another activity I've had in the back of mind for a long time which is watching some western kids cartoons I've always liked. I maybe 19 years old but my 6 years old self that liked watching Cartoon Network back in the day is still there so I thought it's be fun to just go back to that state as stress relief after I do all the stuff I want to for today. The study plan for this upcoming test is ridiculous. We're given too much work with so little time. I'm not kidding, whoever designed this semester's the different course syllabus's really had no idea or probably didn't even care about how little time people have each day and how other aspects of their life will also affect how much time they have to work on academic life. I'm not going to explain in detail what's just so wrong about the academic situation I'm in. I have the attitude to study and I have the attitude to work on academic projects before deadline but we're given way too much work and way little time to actually do all of the requirements. Here's to hoping I still graduate regardless. Next Topic Working on a new electronic track. As always I still feel anxiety over the creative decisions I make. I still find myself comparing how my work sounds like to other people's work like say the stuff I listen to at Monstercat. This is something I still need work on. Next Topic. I decided to do Do Nothing Meditation today. It was pretty average. I decided to let my mind run on its own and not feel any control of it and it responded by being the noisiest it could possibly. Fell into fantasy worlds a few times and falling back into reality for only a few minutes before falling back into fantasy land. Don't recommend doing more Do Nothing. Probably should stick to Zen for now like I usually do. Next Topic. Leo's new video is a very cleverly designed. I mean you probably won't know what I mean until you've watched it yourself. I'm assuming you know of his work if you visit this forum but if you haven't, just look for Actualized.org on YouTube. Anyway, on the surface I really thought he was just going to make a generic self-help video detailing how Enlightenment improves one's life and it definitely was that way for the first half of the video but the second part was a real hard-hitter. There are simply no words to describe what went through my mind from it. This is one I'm going to have to listen to over and over until it's drilled into my psyche. I'm fully convinced that nothing could ever be better than removing one's delusions with the self. . . . . . . . . . . . . the only problem is. . . how do I really create a strategy for reaching it? . . . . . . . I'll think about it some more. Anyway, next topic Despite almost being 9:30 pm as I write this. I still plan to spend some time drawing and then watching a random cartoon after writing this. I really feel like these are activities that I wanted to do today but couldn't because of the other higher priority things I needed to do first. It's okay though, If I can sleep for 5 hours for 2 days and still successfully develop a game within 48 hours, I can handle sleeping maybe for 6 or 7 hours tonight for just one day. Probably deserve it anyway, I'm really putting a lot of effort to change my life, need a few breaks every now and again.

@Anna Konstantaki That story about the guy's fantasy of having sex and overeating on pastries before death is one of the funniest things I've ever read. Really a very shallow mindset. Personally, I don't feel I'm ready yet to think about what I want to do when I die because I still barely have the complete picture for what I want to have in my life figured out but at least I've been able to pinpoint the things I don't want in my life. Eating unhealthy foods and sexual obsession definitely is not welcome in my picture and so is negative emotions and compulsive distraction and other things.

Your brother seems to remind me of my past self. I basically wasted most of my teenage life playing video games and watching TV. I'm pretty sure this is not the kind of topic the Actualized.org forum was made for though and this definitely has nothing to do with the sub-forum 'Self-Actualization'. If you really want to help him you have to make sure that you can help yourself first. I like to think of the advice they give you in airplane emergency demos where you have to help yourself first before you help other people even if it's a younger child. Same advice can be used in real life. If you know what's best for you, you should know what's going to be best to help your brother. Don't take my advice too seriously though, I'm 19. I may or may not know what I'm talking about.

<--[04-02-16]--> A Little Bit of Free Time Without The Internet So there was a power cut off at my place today from morning to 6pm. Didn't matter much, I already knew about it about 3 days before today so I prepared by charging up my smartphone the night before so I could read the study materials I had in there for a test next week. I don't have a physical book of what Computer Science concepts needed to be studied for the test so I just pirated a pdf of one because we live in the future. Because I couldn't use the computer, I had more time to read books which I haven't been able to do in quite a while. I continued reading "Becoming Steve Jobs", as always, I'm still reading the parts of his life where he's still screwing things up for whatever company he's running. This time with NeXT instead of Apple. Meditation went pretty good but it was interrupted halfway by my dad calling me for lunch time so I had to do two 30-minute sessions instead. I actually charged up my laptop as well so I decided to use up whatever battery it had working on practicing my electronic music skills. Yep, still bumbling about FL Studio sometimes. Still not very good at it though but I hope to be better at it the more time I spend doing it. Speaking of which, the fact that I wasn't staring at my computer all day meant that I could actually focus on my thoughts a little better for a while to see if I can get an idea of what I'm supposed to do with my life. First thought: "Man, I'm feeling so stressed and overwhelmed right now"; Second thought: "My room is messy"; Third Thought: "I have clean it"; Fourth Thought: "My room is really messy"; Fifth Thought: "The F***, do I live in a pig sty?!". So yeah, I decided to spend about half an hour picking up all the papers stacked up next to my laptop. Noticing that I have a lot of forgotten papers and documents from academic life that I don't need anymore but am too lazy to find a place to put them. Some small pocketbooks were buried underneath a pile of index cards. While cleaning, I had thoughts roam around my head that I really should be spending more time practicing drawing like I said in my life purpose entry last week. The fact that my desk was now clean meant I had the space to shift my laptop to make room for my sketchbook. I took out a drawing pencil, readied my eraser and started drawing random doodles. I drew the character I created for myself for my profile picture in a comic. 1st Panel: Me (drawn as my robot character) saying "I'm bored and I have nothing to do." 2nd Panel: Me saying "I think I'll just draw myself as a robot or something" Then I drew some other random doodles when finally the power came back on before it became too dark for me to draw. Finally I got back on my computer and in the internet because I really wanted to see who won the jam. I actually experienced a bit of stress on the fact that today the voting results of the game jam game will be revealed. So the power just got back a few hours ago and the first thing I did was see if my game made it to the Top 5 ranks. I was shocked to find that. . . . . I made it to 3rd place. I can't believe I actually made it. All that hard work wasn't wasted after all. Sure I still have a lot more work to do for my life purpose as a whole but this is already a small step for me and definitely a good source of future motivation to keep practicing to improve my craft. A lot more work to do. I need all the life motivation and joy from living I can possibly get. I actually don't know if I should allocate the time I have left now to entertainment spending some more time on something creative. It may seem like a very obvious "Lower Self" vs "Higher Self" choice but really I'm still a point in my psychological development where I still struggle with decisions like these. I'm not going to bug you with whatever complex thought process that occurs in my head in trying to come up with a decision so I'm just going to end here. Until next time.