Extreme Z7

<10-11-2016> I Think I Need To Sleep More I've been noticing a decrease in my level of energy and focus during the day for the past couple days. I think it's because I've been sleeping late consistently for about a week. Should be a pretty easy thing to offset and fix. I sure hope that is the problem, though. I'll get back to it in the future. That's all I want to talk about for today. I want to talk more about my drawing habit but I'm so damn sleepy.

@Emil Glad to be of help.

<10-10-2016> So Focused That I Tire Myself Out I worked on every single habit I've currently gotten installed today and I feel neutral. Not particularly bad, not particularly good, just balanced. My meditation sessions are starting to have more and more of a feeling of "merging" with my direct experience. It feels like I'm slowly losing a physical body that needs to feel a certain way. It still feels things though, now it feels tired and I need to sleep.

@Anna Konstantaki Yeah, it can really make you accept a lot of the difficult emotions and experiences that appear to come about through meditation and not constantly wish that they would just go away. I used to think to myself all the time that certain things in my behaviors shouldn't be there anymore because I've started meditating.

@Juan Cruz Giusto The video was already quite clear enough and this summary is a good reminder to reinforce what was taught. Thanks.

<10-09-2016> Accepting My Flaws + A Model For An Artist's Main Values Today was all about trying to accept all my imperfections and seeing in a conscious level how I create all sorts of fake narratives as to how I am and how the stuff I create is. I've been using a lot of my free time lately to chase learning. I've seen some magnificent life-changing content just over the past week and I've seen more improvement in myself in a shorter span of time than I usually do. It's making me realize that I can never be happy by staying in any specific level of growth and that growth itself is where the satisfaction lies. And so if one ever wants satisfaction on a daily basis, they just have to keep learning daily and with relatively higher quality material than what is commonly provided. If one can have this mindset, one can have great power over their level of self-acceptance. But hey, that's just a theory. Speaking of theories, I've also developed a model for how an artist finds joy in their work which can be used to help focus their attention on the areas of the work that brings them the most joy. Basically, in my model there are 5 main values and generally speaking, you should find joy in at least one of these values. Not all 5 values should necessarily be fulfilled and focused on and not all artists are able to recognize which values will actually bring them the most joy and this can lead them to trouble especially when they work so hard to achieve a value that doesn't even make them happy. So an artist's goal is to be able to pinpoint the values that fulfills their particular individuality for greater satisfaction with their work, So what are the 5 values in this model? Well, here they are: (And remember, I could change aspects of this model in the future) Originality - The ability to create based on one's authentic self. Creativity - The desire to explore 'uncharted territory'. Skill - A pursuing of gradual mastery. Playfulness - An inherent enjoyment of creating the art itself. Community - A willingness to use art to bond with other people. What I found in myself, based on this model, is that I've been pursuing Skill for quite some time and it never actually gave me that much joy. I actually end up feeling more negative emotions whenever my goal is to try to impress people with the quality of my art especially with the knowledge that there so many artists out there who are way better than me. Now, this does not mean I will no longer try to improve my skills, I still do but I don't want it to be my main focus anymore. My main focus should have been Playfulness! I feel much better about my art habit whenever I just focus on the creative process itself and not get caught up about being worrying about making mistakes. Secondary for me is probably Community, I love to share my artwork with other people but I still have a problem with shyness and insecurity that's holding me back slightly from pursuing this value. When I think about it again. You can also place numbered ranks unto the values to see which value should take more significance over others. So mine will be: Playfulness Community Creativity Originality Skill The overall assessment of one's values using this model varies from artist to artist. I believe that artists who are not able to recognize their own personal hierarchy of values and views them as all equal are more likely to encounter difficulties and motivation problems involving their work. Note that this is only a model I alone created, I have no idea how this model would fare in the real world and among artistic communities but I found that it definitely worked for me so why not give it a shot if you're also a creative type? That's it for today. I'm going to bed because it's almost 10pm. Nighty night. . . .

All self-doubt is normal when pursuing life purpose. The fact that you have self doubt at all means that you definitely have a life purpose and you want to pursue it. Just recognize it as one of the challenges to achieving one's life purpose. It's no different from mastery, using finances to your advantage, or learning to handle criticism.

@Anna Konstantaki If you think you're life is ending, that probably means a new life is beginning.

Very powerful insight here. It's a nice blend between personal development advice and philosophy.

<10-08-2016> Straying From The Common Path Of Society I argued with person who is not interested in personal development today. I am currently a very isolated person so this interaction was obviously online. I will not reveal the identity of this person for obvious reasons. But long story short, I've argued with this same person before in a completely different forum and it's usually when I went and posted personal development material that he/she disagrees with and gets offended by. I don't want to give too much detail but today I came to the agreement not only with him/her but also with myself (my ego) to never ever even bother him again, it's not worth it. Based on the stuff I've learned so far on this actualization journey and also the psychological transformations I've experienced, I arrived with the perception that this guy/gal is extremely delusional. The reason for this is when he/she described his/her life and why he/she shouldn't bother to even consider the self-improvement material I presented, he/she basically described one of the most average run-of-the-mill life I've ever read from someone and all the justifications he/she had to how this life is actually great and how he/she has true knowledge of reality were all just plain stupid. This person kept denying his/her closed-mindedness even when the emotions that filled their words made it blatantly obvious that he/she does not know the first thing about open-mindedness. This person also never hesitated to label me as a troll or a bully repeatedly even though my intentions were never anywhere near provoking another person, it was just pure psychological projection. This person kept referring to other people for justification for his/her behavior as if that will somehow solve the issue of his/her neurosis. And finally, this person held anti-spiritual dogma and held strong opinions against spirituality, what he/she doesn't realize that he/she's basically criticizing the very thing that would save him from his/her miserable lifestyle. But that's not the important part, instead what I actually want to remember from the experience was when the argument was over and I swore never to engage with this person again. I felt some emotional baggage lift from my mind and I got a realization that the entire argument was just a distraction and nothing of what was said to each other actually mattered regardless of how true we thought it was. In fact, during the entire argument, I kept a mindset that the person I'm talking to is not the enemy, I'm the enemy. Heck, even me writing about this right now is still ego. It's still ego distracting myself from the deep and difficult work that is necessary to grow one's psyche. If I remember the lesson from Leo's video "Exploiting Others For Personal Growth" video correctly, then I can use this experience as a guide on what actions and behaviors I should avoid so I don't end up like this person. The default paths in modern society don't seem very favorable to me so its important for me to recognize deeply the actions and behaviors a certain individual has who has ended up with a mediocre path in life. What I learned: There are ignorant people out there who are desperately trying to prevent themselves from examining themselves deeply and will fight anyone and anything that threatens their current perception of reality. These people are generally unaware of this and constantly deny that they are these things. These people should be avoided at all costs. Any engagement with them is a distraction. If you're a passionate personal development junkie then revealing to them their mistakes can be very tempting because their mistakes are very obvious. But these people are better off being left to see for themselves the hole they have dug for themselves and never seeing the psychological traps they have unwittingly fallen into. Nobody can ever escape their own psychology. Like Leo once said, if you try to go against reality, you always lose. It's only a matter of time.

@Jani I've experienced a lack of motivation to do anything before. It's quite rare for me and it's also quite difficult for me to handle because I tend to be a very productive, workaholic type of person. But basically, when I experience anything like this, I do just the thing that you did, sit or lie down in the quiet and just stare into space. So I don't think you're doing anything out of the ordinary. But that's only my perspective.

Man, you put a lot of work into your journal. I myself have always been too lazy to take my journal very seriously since I started it. Hey, maybe I can use your journal as a form of motivation to make it better.

@quantum Well, I don't know what you see in it but I do find your reaction to be beautiful on its own.

You need more views dude! You have a lot of really valuable content in your videos. Those are some books I'll be looking forward to reading in the future.

<10-07-2016> Pretty Satisfying Break Today wasn't very intense stress-wise. I learned to keep my day relatively simple and in flow rather than chaotic. I've made good progress in my indie game for the past few days and I think I deserve a good break from it. I could use more time to study and work on college projects instead. On another note, I also want to focus more on making music for the game for a while. I've been working on level design for almost the entire game's production so far and it's been over almost a year. I've been meditating pretty comfortably over the past month. Nothing too intense or focused. Instead, I have a more sleep-like trance in meditation because I deliberately try to keep my body as relaxed as possible. I may go back to doing more harsh and hardcore meditation but this is what works for me right now and I'm not prepared to take on more difficult meditation challenges what with all the stresses I'm currently experiencing in my daily routine. I've been building a pretty good learning habit over the past months too. Been very interested in reading books and watching documentaries. There is so much information that big chunk doesn't sink in but overall it's expanding my view of life inches by inches. Lastly my drawing habit has, well. . . improved. I'm still not fully confident in my drawing skills but my inch my way out of this rut. Below are some doodles I made in my sketchbook today. You be the judge.

@quantum LOL, I actually wanted it to be disturbing. Looks like I need more practice.

<10-05-2016> Getting Really Mind-Breaking, Keep On Going Standard routine for the day but with a rollercoaster of existential fear and emotional difficulty. I find myself dedicating more of my time to mini-meditation sessions. It's really tough trying to dig deep into my mind and dealing with my inner hell. There was so much that went on in a day were I spent a lot of time doing nothing. I don't even want to write or talk about most of it. So I made a drawing instead.

Thanks, I personally needed advice like that right now. I'm 19 and am currently going through the impatience and frustration that you're talking about. It feels like trying to crack my head from the inside out through sheer will. I even made a drawing to express how I feel about it.

<10-03-2016> Can't Complain, Becoming Conscious I had a pretty Mundane Monday. Nothing too special, worked hard and stressed a little, meditated and didn't have any really high awareness states throughout the day. Leo's latest upload everyday has changed the way I view my behaviors on a moment-to-moment basis though. I can see just how much higher I can raise my level of awareness and use it to transform my life in significant ways that does not only involve external circumstances. Every decision I make now becomes about what will make me more or less conscious. On another note, I'm starting to have less motivation for certain subjects I have in my college course. They're just becoming more bland and uninteresting to me whereas learning from educational resources on the internet and books is becoming more fulfilling. Practicing creative skills in drawing and music no longer feels like thighs I have to do because getting rid of my deficiencies is important but because there is a certain thrill to learning in it. Overall, it's tough but I can't complain, I'm becoming conscious.

@Leo Gura Awwww. . . but Leo! I love my cartoons and ice cream! How dare you try take away my emotional crutches!

<10-02-2016> Up A Notch In Awareness Yesterday, I had a really magnificent meditation session. It was the very thing I've been waiting for months. It felt like I was in touch with the true emptiness of being and I could just feel pleasant and present in the moment. I'm usually in a mildly worried state because of the stressful work I've unknowingly placed unto my life so this is a big thing for me. I've haven't felt this calm and relaxed in quite a while and I also feel higher levels of aliveness again. In some of my recent posts, I've talked about being unable to feel alive for a long time. Now, it's basically blind-sided me and I didn't expect for it to happen this early and so quickly with literally one meditation session. I attribute most of the credit to the fact that over the past month, I've been focusing on "surrender" techniques of meditation instead of hard disciplined focused meditation. It's very hard to get in touch with being when you're doing a meditation session that tests your concentration. I still know that I still have miles ahead to progress and even this breakthrough isn't even close to feeling divine yet. But I seem to have breached my previous limit of base level happiness and I'm excited to see how much further I can raise it. I'm still 19 years old, I've got a LOT of time that I need to take advantage of.

Explanation: Assuming that you follow spirituality, I thought that posting this video would be fun test of your level of equanimity, acceptance of opposing belief systems, and also, acceptance of modern society's high level of closed-mindedness. Your reaction to this video can be a good reflection to how much psychological progress you've gained through consciousness work.

<09-30-2016> Searching For Happiness While Drowning In Suffering True Happiness and Fulfillment requires a long term strategy. Which is exactly why it's so difficult to get in these modern era of work and distraction. I know whatever claim someone has about life is always a projection of one's own mind, but you can't deny that we live in a complex and chaotic world where ignorance is constantly fighting truth. I've seen that everything I wanted in life will never make me happy. I'm still in a phase where it's criticial that I regularly take time out of my day to sit and do nothing and contemplate. It's emotionally difficult to start such a session and it's also difficult to stay in it. I don't know why though. Why is it so difficult to sit still and why is my mind always occupied with thoughts of doing this or doing that? I'm pretty certain that this is the root of everyone's suffering but even with this realization, the grip my mind has to its preservation mechanisms are very strong. I trust that change will happen within the next few years as long as I keep up with my positive habits but it's will take an high amount of patience and trust from myself.

<09-29-2016> Fighting The Distraction I feel super distracted today. I still managed to do everything I wanted to do in my daily routine but today was far too hectic, in my mind that is. Maybe it's because I had a pretty good and focused meditation session this morning that everything else in life just felt unbearable. I even want to turn of my laptop as soon as I finish writing this. I still have to upload in my daily drawing blog though, I just remembered that as I'm writing this. When I'm done with that, who knows? Part of me wants to remain quiet for 15 minutes, another part of me wants to play video games. If I know myself, I sadly might end up doing the latter or both. Not the former and only the former.

<09-28-2016> Reconnecting With A Past Love One of the first things that has ever caught my attention as a child were comedy comics. I bring this up because I recently drew a funny comic for my daily drawing habit today and I quite liked it a lot. A few months ago, I proposed to myself that maybe my core life purpose is becoming a cartoonist, and the more I contemplate how to properly structure my life, the more I find this to be the case. I still have a massive fear of failure but that's another story. So here's the comic I made today: If you found this comic funny, thanks! I'm not going to go into detail about it but basically, I want to make more of these. I'd love to produce more stuff like these more so than any game or music I've made. I want to be able to consistently make comics like these almost as a career. Right now, I'm having trouble with coming up with more ideas but I should have some more in the near future. I will still be drawing other non-comic stuff, I like those too, but these drawing these feel refreshing to me. If I can reach a point where people are enjoying my comics on a daily basis, even if it's just one person per day, that would mean so much to me. I just need to strategize a way to get to that goal, but this is where I stop writing this entry and start reflecting by myself.