flowboy

Improved Approach Anxiety One good thing happened: I saw a hot girl at the gym and actually went up. To do it immediately would have been the most badass, but I did not. Thinking: maybe it's a better moment when she leaves the gym. Hoping partly that I wouldn't see her. Then I saw her leave the gym at the same time as me, and I thought: man, now I have no excuse! Hello, wall of anxiety. Remember the feeling of being rejected by your crush in high school? That's still there! Unchanged. She walks out while I deal with my old demons and I get on my bike, hoping to spontaneously run into her on the way home. Part of me hoping not to, so I can tell myself that that's why I didn't do it. Then I think: screw it, I don't want to be this person anymore who lets his approach anxiety control him! It's getting lame and childish. Dammit, I want another chance! Sometimes you gotta make your own luck. I cycle in the opposite direction and take a lap around the block. To my surprise, there she goes. I take a breath, shake off the creepy feeling and catch up to her. "Hey, were you just at the gym? I saw you squat, I think. I find you attractive. Would you like a date with me?" I could have made it go better by saying all kinds of smart and funny things, I'm sure, but I want to focus on just being able to honestly express my feelings of attraction. And, she appreciated it and it was not awkward! That's a huge win.

Let's do a small retro on why I finally went to bed at 1am, and slept in and was late for work: Hard time focusing/sitting still at work. Extremely distractable. Could be leftover fatigue from covid, could be the winter depression, could be because of leftover physical energy and needing a workout. Who is to say. That prompted me to take a lot of L-theanine, in an attempt to feel calm and focused. L-theanine has never worked for me. At the recommended dose, I notice nothing. At 10 times the recommended dose, I apparently get ... restless and horny. When it was time to go to the gym, I was so restless and unfocused that I kept getting stuck in my phone. I went to the gym at 19:30 instead of 18:40. Because I forgot to book a time slot, there were none available and I had to go farther away and wait until 20:15 to start. By 20:15, I should have thought: this is time to go home already, let's turn around. But I did not. I had come there to work out, and could not let go. Realising I was already behind schedule, I did not watch the time at the gym. And although I only did two exercises, I still took an hour because I did not know my way around that gym. Left at 21:15. By that time I had missed my evening routine and I knew it. I should have gone to sleep immediately, but because it seemed already "lost" and I was hungry, I caved to the temptation of eating and watching Netflix. The evening schedule seemed already so lost that I watched in bed until 1am I've got to improve my schedule adherence in the evenings. It's the key to having excellent mornings. I will save eating-and-watching for Sundays, and read instead I will maintain strong schedule discipline in the evenings, and when that means I miss a workout and have to turn around, I will turn around and feel proud about it I will not impulsively take a bunch of pills when it's hard to focus. Instead I will take a break to do some breathwork.

Remember A Success When I started studying and moved out of my parents', but then 4 months later decided it was not for me, so I quit. It really was not for me, so I would consider that a success. I saved myself 3-5 years of going in the wrong direction! Something I'm Grateful For Today I am grateful for my friend M, who has made my life a lot more interesting and added love If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No, I have to work 10 hours for the Man, and it's not even going well How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I encountered a problem (broken alarm clock) and took quick action to solve it on the same day. I don't know what my problem is exactly today. I feel weak, sweaty and it's incredibly hard to focus. The supplements and the lamp are helping, I no longer feel sad.

Turns out that telling a person you're seeing about the other people you're seeing may cause them to break up with you, because they want different things. But in the best way possible. We're still friends, chat regularly and appreciate each other. To me this is a big win: she gets a chance to find a boyfriend, and I still get to hang out and crack jokes with her. I felt guilty about stringing her along, and now that's been resolved with truly minimal pain. I hope it was the same for her, she doesn't communicate her feelings always. Pro tip: to let someone down easy, tell them you might be polyamorous. I'm going to remember that.

S.A.D. It started with looking at the grey sky and the lack of color and noticing how ugly everything is. I don't like the buildings here in this country, why is everything so flat and boring? Then I had a lot of anger come up from past events. I told my friends about who from my old high school I would like to go back to and beat up, and why. I was not yet aware of the cloud of negativity that had cast a shadow over my reality. Adding to that, my friends started to get snappy and I began to feel attacked by them. When I got out of the car, I realised what was happening. My head was just buzzing with dark thoughts. Dwelling on things people had recently said in the past days and getting unreasonably angry over them. Repeating scenarios over and over in my mind. No light. No hope. I impulsively drank the psilocybin tea I had left, thinking it would be a nice way to relax. Wrong. I took a shower, enjoying the warm water whilst at the same time having very morbid and bizarre insectscapes on the inside of my eyelids. I toweled off and collapsed on the bed. I felt absolutely hopeless. Alone. Desperate. It really is like staring into an abyss and realising it is bottomless. I desired to cling on to someone and hold them while I cried, but remembered the last time I tried that, and driving people away with my neediness and despair. So I put on sad music and cried by myself, like an adult, for hours. I eventually mentioned to my date what I was going through. She immediately offered to come have dinner at her place, and look at her daylight-therapy lamp together, which was really sweet. I felt like I'm a terrible person for using her, because I'm afraid she thinks we're exclusive, something I haven't addressed for too long. I manage to get myself there, red eyed but happy to see her. We have long conversation, laugh a lot, eat dinner, and have sex. I feel too weak to be on top, so we have a more slow and deep session, which felt very connected and intimate. She squirts buckets. I love that. She is not happy about the wet mattress. The next day I decide to immediately get myself one of those daylight lamps, and I succeed. I can't slip back into a season of depression, I just can't. When I woke up this morning, I felt this familiar pit of anxiety and hopelessness in my stomach. I turned off my alarm and set it for later. Turned it off again. Crept back into bed again. Why get up? There's no hope. Last week I felt optimistic about becoming an entrepreneur. Now it's like that was a person from a movie, and I can't even remember how they even imagined such a thing was possible. I have a strange urge to research morbid topics, like how suicide pills work and what's in them. Not because I'm having suicidal thoughts, to be clear, but just the sudden morbid curiosity is weird. I suppress that urge because giving in would most certainly make it worse. My whole body is vibrating with angst and all crumpled up. My posture is slouched, making myself small, hugging my arms around myself and hanging my head. My hands are sweating and shaking. I feel unreasonable doubt and anxiety about everything I do. I want to eat a healthy amount, but I just stuff myself to fill the anxiety pit. If I were to meet my date right now, I am not sure I would know what to say to her. I don't feel manly, or entertaining, or positive. I'm just a trembling vat of doom and gloom. Putting a smile on the outside would probably look creepy. Obviously, this can not continue. I've been though winter depressions all my life, and it took me a long time to recognize it for what it was. It makes me feel like everything I am doing with my life is pointless. Every time I quit studying it was during these months. Who knows what else got ruined by this radical reconfiguration of my emotions. I wanted to document it here, what it feels like. So I can refer back to it later, and remind myself to not take my state of happiness for granted. Because the weather can change. And all the health habits that I do, the supplements I take, the workouts, the things I don't eat - they seem silly sometimes, but I put them there to protect me. I will dedicate this week to cleaning up a LOT and getting back into my groove. Getting organised, getting exercise. Next week, I will be done with this. Protocol for the next month: Daylight lamp St. John's Wort supplements No more bread and processed food Lots of exercise Vitamin D, Copper and Zinc Make progress on main goal every day

Remember A Success When I had a job at P2, there was a moment where all my teammates went on vacation, and only me and R were left. There was a feature to complete for a client, with a deadline. Unencumbered by my older colleagues, me and R made some drastic design changes, essentially rewriting the entire module and making it way more intuitive and usable. When they came back, my colleagues scolded me, were mad at me and said that we would lose the customer because of what I had done. And that no way would they dare to present my work. Upon which I said: " I'll present it then. Watch me. It will all be alright, don't worry. " And I presented it. And the customer was enthusiastic. So the negative Nellies had to eat their words. Not only was the customer enthusiastic, but this customer had been unsatisfied and cross in every meeting so far. He even seemed to like me on a personal level after that. It's because the coworkers of mine that he previously had to deal with, had no sales skills and stunted social skills: they did not know how to listen and make someone feel heard. And I did. Something I'm Grateful For Today I am grateful for having made it all this way from depressed neurotic smoker with panic attacks to happy, organized, goal-oriented me. Somehow the right knowledge and opportunities were provided at the right time and the right people were put in front of me, to enable me to grow to this level. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? Yes, actually. Even though I mostly worked for the Man, I was being creative, working on something important, and I could share it with my team, who are working on the same thing which makes it more fun. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I denied a lot of detours to only focus on what is important. Even though I was barely awake this morning, I still managed to work on the CA course for 23 minutes and finish something.

Fixed a bug in my evening routine I'm still testing it, but I'm pretty sure I like it better. Here it goes. Before, I would: Do work Eat Get tired Relax Do evening routine, including planning my next day. However I'd be tired and eager to go to sleep, so I'd make mistakes in my schedule and end up with unrealistic schedules that were badly prioritized and packed too full. After, I: Do ¾ of the work Do end-of-work routine at 17:00, including planning my next day. The work is still fresh in my mind and I know the next steps and what's important. Eat Do some more work Relax Do a very short evening routine that is purposefully short and doesn't require thinking, therefore helping me wind down: Shower Yoga The problem was that I had way too many steps to do right before bedtime that felt like work and required thinking: not only was this hard and was I inefficient at it, it also woke me up too much and felt stressful. An added benefit of the new routine is that when I already have the plan for the next day, but then I work some more, any work I do after dinner feels like a bonus and puts me ahead of schedule the next day.

Remember A Success I remember applying for my first programming job, not even knowing the language, nailing the interview and making the first few months a dramatic success. Something I'm Grateful For Today I am grateful for the really awesome girl I met and who I can't wait to be able to see again If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No. My day was sleeping in, covid test, random cycling around and buying a chair, and cooking. And now it's almost over and I have not worked on my business plans. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I went back to the (this) routine, even after having drifted off dramatically. I re-prioritized what is important. I will use the rest of the waking hours to work on the CA course.

Dating situation I call them "girlfriends" - however that's not accurate. In August, I started dating two new girls whom I got along with really well. They're both very smart, ambitious, highly sexual and fun to be around. They're both PhDs. That brought the total count of people I'm dating to 3. Both of the new girls I've seen three times each. I was not yet sure whether I wanted to choose one of them, or be polyamorous. I don't really want to break up with any of them. I think I definitely can be polyamorous. I'm just not sure how I would manage the time. In any case, this situation might have resolved itself if I had kept seeing them. One relationship could have deepened, while others may have naturally faded. But this conundrum has been frozen in time now, for a month already, due to me getting corona. So I've been trying to keep in contact with each of them through texting and video messages, and spread my attention evenly. So far it's gone okay, but it has been a source of stress and anxiety. When you're in lockdown, there isn't as much to tell about your life. There is the old fear of not having anything interesting to say. I'm afraid of them getting bored with me being sick. However, none of this is a real problem. I'm blessed, really.

Sexual Dreams I've not ejaculated for 15 days now. Part of that was made easy because of covid - my energy was low, and I was quarantained. I'm still too cautious to see my girlfriends, but it's getting increasingly frustrating. My nights have been full of sex dreams for the past few days. Last night, I was with a girl who symbolized pure hedonism. She was pretty, short, with dark curls. She was wearing a hoodie and otherwise bottomless, lying on the couch. Her skin was soft, her ass was round, and all she wanted to do was be fucked stupid by me on that couch. Without a condom. Then smoke cigarettes. Then more fucking each other stupid. I smoked cigarettes with her. Then, when taking a break from all the sex, we went to a bakery to get some bread and chocolate spread. Which is the snack I have been using on cheat days lately, to satisfy sugar cravings. Interpretation I'm not aware of any fancy symbolism in this dream, then again, if there were I wouldn't be the one to spot it. What's interesting though, is that this girl was the embodiment of all my guilty pleasures. Smoking, sex without a condom, being lazy on the couch, and chocolate and sugary treats. I smoked with her, which I normally do not do. Some part of me would love to indulge in those situations, though. The whole dream was about giving in, giving into cravings, and enjoying it. The plain, dark blue hoodie she wore represented comfort. Because we had sex with her still wearing the hoodie, it was clear that she was practical. The hoodie is comfortable and easy to wear around the house. She wasn't dressed up for a date, she just wanted to get fucked. She took her pants off for that, but not the hoodie, another practical move. We got along great, me and this practical nympho. It had a girlfriend-y sort of vibe. Like we had been together for awhile, and had mutually agreed that our mission in life was to maximize pleasure together, by fucking a lot and eating delicious things. It was not unlike the situation I had with an ex some years ago, when some days we would just stay in pyjamas and only get dressed to get food, but still not be able to keep our hands off each other, have a lot of sex and watch movies, mainly. Do I miss that? Being lazy and hedonistic? Am I just insanely horny? Is this a rebellion against all the new restrictions I've been setting for myself? When I woke up, I was poking my hard dick against the mattress. Instead of getting up, I unsuccessfully scoured my phone for arousing material, and even watched some porn, although it did very little for me. I shared some naked pictures of myself and chatted about places to have sex with one of my girlfriends. Nothing could really satisfy. Usually when I build up horniness to this level, I gorge myself on pictures of girls by scrolling Tinder. Trying to get dates I don't have time for. Since I blocked all porn. But now I deleted the dating apps too. This is where the 'sexual transmutation' should kick in, I suppose? But I've always been a horny guy, nothing wrong with that and it makes me feel alive, too. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Days without caffeine: 57 Days without coffee: 67 Yes, the ability to focus at will is indeed at a new level Even when I'm really tired, or really don't feel like it, I can get back into a focused flow without much stress at all. This is new territory. Or perhaps this is what it was like before I started drinking coffee. I must have been 13,14? Perhaps earlier. I am able to continue programming until late in the evening, and afterwards fall straight asleep if I have to (not that I want to). But man, is it nice to have the ability.

Remember A Success I remember that my first ever coaching client said that he was super happy with the results, and that he had actually reached a level he did not think possible thanks to my help! Something I'm Grateful For Today I am grateful for my entrepreneur-minded friends I'm in the mastermind group with. We had a very nurturing conversation. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No, I would go outside!! I'm feeling much calmer under quarantaine now, but it still sucks. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I did my entire start-of-work checklist. I did not bill hours that I did not work and got distracted. I did a thorough analysis of a problem.

Remember A Success I remember signing up for my first speech at Toastmasters, creating, practicing, and getting a 10/10 result that was valued highly. Something I'm Grateful For Today I am grateful for my ability to make a living as a programmer, which enables me to buy quality food to keep my brain sharp for working on my purpose. I'm also grateful for having a strong immune system, which defended me properly and enabled me to start functioning again rather soon after covid hit me. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No. Most of my day was housework (4 laundry loads), taking out 4 kinds of trash, groceries, dishes. Ordering food. Misc admin tasks. Activities that I don't value highly and will definitely pay someone else for when I have the means. There were some cool things: I had a nice supportive conversation with my friend about his epiphany/breakdown, and it had a really serendipitous inspiring end resulting in a new angle for him to market his product with. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I cleaned all the surfaces I touched. I rewrote my daily schedule 3 or 4 times, each time something took too long I refused to abandon schedule and stuck with my commitment to schedule adherence.

Remember A Success I remember seeing a really sexy girl standing across my house, introducing myself, hooking up with her, getting to know her, and finding out that she's amazing in many ways. Just like that I went for what I wanted, and it worked out. Something I'm Grateful For Today I am grateful for my friendship with P, and the mutual learning from each other, and how truly equal it feels. We value each other and tell each other the honest truth. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No. Most of my day was taking care of dumb stuff like laundry and returning a package. However, I did contact my client and also had a good video call with the aforementioned friend. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I decided to do my entire evening routine again, even though I didn't feel like it.

Happy I realised today that I've never been this okay before.

I'm compiling a list of things to abstain from for at least a 2 week period. The goal is to make reading books and doing work fun and more effortless again. The more complete I get the list, the better I expect it to work. So who's got things to add? Reading comments Participating in discussions YouTube and watching any video except the ones in the course I'm doing and the videos in the exercise app I'm using Netflix (already quit) Coffee Sugar Alcohol (very occasional use) Smoking (only messed up one time this year) Texting (except maybe once every 2 days so people don't freak out. Or call a friend during a break instead of texting) Social media (never liked it) Dating apps (already quit) inspired by this guy: EDIT: added suggestions Fast to kick it off. I'll try to go 3 days because I feel like my body needs it PMO Tea (tea with caffeine) Video games (don't play them anyway) Podcasts: Love, love, love Joe Rogan Experience. Can definitely survive 2 weeks without though Audiobooks: Nothing wrong with them but I tend to use them for multitasking and that's not congruent with this goal Sex: I'm also not going to have sex. I'm not actively dating anyone atm anyway, but should the situation present itself, I'm going to abstain Processed food: I'm going to do a simple diet where I only include some basic trusted ingredients like leafy greens, eggs, fish, rice, potatoes, oil and spices, not much else. Gonna figure that one out in more detail before I start Going shopping just to look at cool things (not my thing anyway but included for thoroughness) EDIT2: added things from alex becker's video Dating! I just realised that 'no sex' is not enough, because the entire game of sending messages back and forth with a girl I just met, and wondering whether she likes me and whatnot, it occupies SO much of my brain space, that I really don't get how in the past I believed I could get things done. I'm not really dating people anyway, but to make a conscious choice about it seems a good way to not even worry about it at all (should I be dating?) Replacement activities for me: Going for walks in nature Reading and taking notes Fiddling with guitar Calling/seeing friends Yeah I'm going to minimize the bullshit texting each other links to videos, and replace it with real human interaction. Some people like Alex becker seem to be able to live without talking to friends. I intuitively sense that I should not attempt this, talking to friends keeps me sane. Note that I am an introvert and if I talk to a friend every 2 days, that's a lot. But I'm not going to decrease that.

Remember A Success I remember deciding I should go on a work vacation where I follow a rigid schedule. I shared the idea with a friend and he was in. That idea became a popular tradition with my entrepreneurial friends, and we're looking forward to our third time now. Something I'm Grateful For I am grateful for my friend A, I feel just naturally good and happy in his company and he understands everything. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? Yes. Even though it was tough, figuring out how to do accounting for my first sale, these are the golden days of starting a business. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I did not guess or give up when the research became boring and confusing, but kept going until I got it. I also did not waste time and let it take too long. I struck a good balance between excellent understanding and excellent time management.

Remember A Success When I was working a miserable callcenter job and got an opportunity to become a programmer, I went to the library and got a huge stack of books to study up on contemporary techniques, and I nailed the interview and got the job. Happy times followed. Something I'm Grateful For I am grateful for God giving me the aptitude and interest in programming, providing me with direction and a way to make a living when I needed it. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I worked for 9.5 hours straight, taking only a 10 minute break. At my job. Without caffeine. Kept refocusing and got a lot done. And I tested thoroughly.

Remember A Success When my friend launched her first ever paid workshop, and needed 6 people to break even, I decided to help out and got 3 friends to join. When a couple of them canceled last minute, I messaged other people and did not stop until I filled those spots. Something I'm Grateful For I am grateful for having running water and a freezer. Oh my, how would I survive these hot days without those luxuries? If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? Even though I had brain fog, I kept fighting off distractions and lack of sleep, and managed to make quite some headway at the task at work that was assigned to me. Even with half the brain power.

Remember A Success I remember feeling horny one day, knocking on my attractive neighbour's door with the proposal to have tea, hitting on her and starting a great FWB relationship right then and there. Something I'm Grateful For Today I am grateful for living in a free country with great internet access, enabling me to pull myself up using great resources like Actualized.org and Sam Ovens If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? Yes. I spent the day preparing and doing the coaching call with the client. Very nervous, very rewarding. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I immediately processed my notes after the call ended. Even suppressed the desire to take a walk first. I had the foresight that to be able to handle multiple coaching calls a day, I need the discipline to not let these notes accumulate on a stack.

Everything was going so well, and then I had to open Netflix and go way past my bedtime on a very mediocre movie. Oh well. Good day nonetheless. Remember A Success I remember writing my first speech for Toastmasters and it being received very well, as a 10/10 for an icebreaker. Something I'm Grateful For Today I am grateful having found meaning. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? Yes. I processed my notes and worked on the coaching program. I got new ideas, got great tips. In the evening I had a very nice call with some friends about a cool project. I feel inspired. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I followed through on commitments. Someone else let slip but I didn't follow. I did what I thought was best and did not abandon, and it worked out.

Remember A Success I remember the time I was a salesman and sold 6 contracts in one day, where 2 was the norm. Something I'm Grateful For Today I am grateful for the nature in my close environment that we get to swim in and enjoy. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? Yes. We had a swim and a picnic. It's really hot weather. Then we had sex on a microdose of psilocybin. Really nice day. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? Even though I am having a female guest over, I still resolved to properly do my journaling and complete my evening routine. I think that is the first time I've done that. That is excellent.

Remember A Success I remember being at Toastmasters and thinking: man, it would be cool if we could bring a vocal coach in. And then I did, I organized and cohosted the event and arranged for a vocal coach to do a session with the whole Toastmasters audience. It was great. Something I'm Grateful For Today I am grateful for my circle of warm, open-minded friends. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? Yes. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I persevered in living my day by a schedule, and maintaining that discipline to do what it says. I took care of myself in many important ways. I put effort into communicating my vision well to a person with whom there was a synchronicity. This required being vulnerable.

Remember A Success I remember totally saving a meeting with a team we were cooperating with. My coworker displayed poor social skills and seemed to attack them. I rescued the situation by letting the others talk, listening, being positive and curious. Something I'm Grateful For Today I am grateful for having found back my discipline. I know that it's going to be the single thing that saves me. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I started work early. I went hard at the gym and finished my whole workout. I promised to make up for the missed hours and I am. I saw an opportunity to improve some code and I did. Oh man. This is day 3 or 4 of no caffeine and it's been brutal, but bearable. It's like waking up on day 2 being the slowest and stupidest of them all, with depression and super emotionally sensitive. Unable to enjoy things. This led to me reacting poorly in a text conversation and causing a fight/breakup. It was an interesting way to meet my fear of abandonment and seeing the circularity in it. She withdrew, in this typical way where people just text back less enthusiastically and you don't know what the hell is up. And then I feel the uncontrollable urge to either express my discontent, lash out or make up a story of why their behaviour makes no logical sense and I am owed an explanation. And this has at numerous occasions led to me sending emotionally charged texts, desperately trying to control the situation. Which resulted in the person withdrawing, often perminently. I just randomly forgot how to spell perminent. Permanent. What. One BENEFIT of this caffeine-free state is that my body finally feels healthy again. I can literally feel blockages dissolving. The nerve pain in my ear has finally let up. I just feel physical warmth, gratitude and bliss, and more connected with my body. Caffeine severs the head and makes it forget about the body, so it can manically stress about its projects and problems. It even reduces brain blood flow. It's a poison. I am positively certain. Why many others tolerate it well into their old age I don't know, but my body is clearly saying it's done with this poison. And that's fine. Who needs a scattered and stressed life anyway. Ahead lays a more integrated, balanced and calm life. Calm but effective.

Remember A Success I remember when I set out to get a job in another city, a couple months ago. The first job opening I clicked looked really cool, and it required a video application. I recorded a video on the spot, using my webcam, improvised the whole thing. I nailed the first, second and third job interview. Something I'm Grateful For Today I am grateful for my problems. For how spoiled would my mind be had I not to suffer. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No. I worked alone for my job in a way too hot apartment. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I tested my code in all the ways I could think of. I offered my colleagues help. I started work early.