flowboy

Remember A Success We have a customer who has irrational fears about us using certain modern tools that we need (front-end frameworks), and so we were creating a big mess, but I stood my ground in several meetings, explained the arguments pro and got them to budge! So now we can use it, thanks to me. Something I'm Grateful For I'm grateful for my coworkers believing in me. I'm grateful to be in a position where people value my ideas, not just my grunt work. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I honored my commitment to excellence by accepting the responsibility over the project and multiple people, did my best to delegate tasks and not get distracted by the pressure. Feeling stressed out and angry today because the landlord is sending us emails that we are behind in rent, but their calculations are clearly wrong. I'm mostly stressed because I switched banks and don't have transaction records from before this year. So I'm not sure I can prove everything. Also I just hate to be in a powerless position like this. This 500 a month is a lot for me and I don't have money or insurance for litigation. Basically I am defenceless and dependent on the landlord being reasonable and benevolent. It's things like this that make me think: man, I can't fucking wait until I'm rich.

Remember A Success When I was doing the TNT workshop, we had to create a sexual mini theatrical play, and we worked really well together and our group was voted as the best group! Something I'm Grateful For This happy and horny feeling I have today. I just am productive and focused without much effort. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? Yes. I had a good lifting session in the gym, and then I worked on the CA course, which is the most important thing atm. Felt focused and energetic all day. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I stuck to the times in my schedule all day. Actually, yesterday I honored my commitment to excellence by cleaning up the kitchen and making a good plan for today. Today, I honored my commitment to excellence by executing the plan as closely as I could. The plan doesn't work unless you work it! Lucid Sex Dream I was in some crossover between a bar and a spa. I think I was with a girl. There were a lot of women bathing. Then I realised: wait, I'm dreaming! I can actually fuck all these girls right here! So I had some fun and dragged some girls by the hair and made them give me blowjobs. But they were all on board, cause it was a dream and I knew I could steer it. I was fucking the second one when I realised I was not sure whether we were doing anal or not. I tried to inspect. Then I woke up. In the dream before that, my friend J was a psychopathic murderer who talked to me in quite a relaxed way whilst he forced all these people to shoot themselves in the head. Some he drowned in a tank full of paint. And when I still heard them bubbling in there and they weren't dying fast enough, he shot them through the tank with his gun. It had a war-crimey vibe. All this was going on while he was explaining to me how to do what he did. I don't know why there's always sex and murder in my dreams, but there is.

Remember A Success I took a break when I was too in my head, breathed, let my intuition have a say and pivoted to the type of coaching I do now. It took courage to send out some impulsive sales letters, but I did because I follow my intuition. And it worked. Something I'm Grateful For My awesome friend D. We drank whisky and talked until 4am about shadow integration and all sorts of things. We get along great. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? Yes. I celebrated my birthday yesterday with E and D, and we had such a good time that I'm still vibrating with happiness. Today I heard my girl was ill so I made her a fruit basket and it was received really well. Her roommate almost caught us on second base haha. The more I let go and express my natural swagger, the more feeling I have for her, too. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I am hung over and chilling on a Sunday, have no momentum and just want to sleep, but still I go to do my evening routine, which includes this journal, so that I can have a proper start of the day tomorrow.

Remember A Success When I lived in a communal building and came home horny one day. Decided to pay the hot girl next door a visit to get to know her. Ended up fucking her. She's beautiful and a good singer. We hooked up regularly for awhile after that. I like that I just went for what I wanted. That is a success. Something I'm Grateful For Today I am grateful for my cousin coming back into my life. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No. I would take drugs and have sex. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I allowed zero distraction during work. I stuck to my own schedule really strictly I ate healthy I barely wasted any time I went running in the morning I did my meditation with more focus than I have been doing

Remember A Success I am part of the 7 percent who successfully quit smoking Something I'm Grateful For Today I am grateful for my parents becoming healthier and happier If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No. I would take drugs and have sex, not sit at my desk and program. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? Today I honored my commitment to excellence by sticking to my schedule really well, and not allowing myself a single distraction during work, thereby maximizing my output and creating a state of flow

Remember A Success I remember when I was young and troubled and did not want to grow up a pussy like my father, that I decided to accept physical challenges front-on. I had several fights that did not end well, but I learned an invaluable lesson that I could not have gotten by pussying out. You can not beat up most people if you are untrained and not particularly heavy. Thanks to those quite jarring experiences, I now know my strength, and I also know that I am not too afraid to fight if pushed to the edge. Even if I might not win, I can show bravery. And even though it cost me some teeth, I am thankful for the experience. Something I'm Grateful For Today I am grateful for having clean, drinkable water that runs into my home in an unlimited supply. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No. I did not achieve amazing programming flow, and I also am not super motivated. Tomorrow will be better. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I started on the most important thing first. I divided my day in strategic blocks and buffer blocks. I observed my habit to waste time during work hours, and I stopped myself and course-corrected.

Preparing the next 90 day challenge I prepared a new habit sheet so that I can track my progress. The blue columns are going to be my focus: they need to be over 80%. The first 2 days I already failed so I made it a 100 day sheet where I clearly marked the start of the 90 days as TOMORROW The bed times and waking up discipline has been hard in the past, but now that I'm devoting a full 90 day challenge to it, it will not be hard anymore. I'm simply going to do it. Had coffee once The 100 days without coffee were done, and afterwards I plan to allow myself caffeinated drinks once per month. I chose yesterday to be that day of the month. Did I enjoy it? Yes. Was it amazing? Not really. It felt like a drug. It made me frantically write pages and pages of chaotic word salad. Then when it was time to clean it up, I had the caffeine crash and could not produce any output anymore. Also my willpower was quite depleted, causing me to decide to eat unhealthy and watch Netflix for the rest of the day. Also the restless, heart-pounding-in-throat feeling is not something I care for. I can see myself never combining this with work again, and just enjoying the rare coffee when hanging out with someone.

@Preety_India I'm going through something kinda similar at the moment. It's not what an ex did to me, but what people in primary school and high school did to me that was pretty messed up. I fantasize about revenge regularly even though it was 12 years ago. So I don't have all the answers. And people tell you that you have to forgive them, not for them but for yourself, but how does that make sense? How is that fair? It's not. They should suffer and feel regret. Here's what I learnt so far: you have to write it into your life story in a way that it was actually a success. Instead of something he did to you, it's something he did for you. And however painful it was at the time, you would not trade it for anything, because it taught you to X, it sent you on the path to Y, or Z would not have come into your life if it weren't for that. I know that is very counterintuitive and hard to find. So take the time to journal until you find it. It took me all yesterday and today to do this for my case, and I sought the help of several people to reframe it. But it's worth it. You have to get to a point where you are grateful that it happened. Here's an example of what I came up with for myself: I had a couple painful years where hardly anybody at school liked me and I was so desperate for acceptance that I attempted to change myself to be more like the cool kids. I changed my look. I imitated behavior. And I got mocked, bullied, spit on, threatened, attacked. Guys who I thought were friends abandoned me whilst I was getting ganged up on and physically threatened. Girls laughed at me for it. The entire school mocked and hated me at one point. And you know what? I never tried to be like anyone else again. It took awhile to sink in, but I finally developed my own style in the years after that. I dressed how I wanted to dress. Did what I wanted to do. Before those years of pain I had been too scared to be myself. But those bad experiences showed me that I could not avoid the pain of not being accepted by imitating others and betraying myself. That planted a seed. It's years later now and my friends actually list my ability to (have the balls to) do whatever the hell I want, uninhibited by social rules or need for approval, as one of my unique abilities. I'm sure you can come up with something like that for your case, if you brainstorm on it for a couple of days. It's likely that what happened also gave you something you needed to become who you needed to become, in a way you had not considered before. Hope that helps.

This makes a lot of sense! Thank you for posting this.

Fear of Being Stupid I have a fear that I am thinking too slow. There's moments where others think a lot faster than me. It makes me fear that I can never be successful, because I have a sluggish brain. It's bullshit, mostly. But there are moments where I wish I could summon more brain power at will, because I have to pretend to understand someone's reasoning and my thoughts are just blocked. But that's possibly due to brain fog from processing either wheat or alcohol. Eat healthier and do more concentration exercises, I suppose.

Optimal work time = evening? Today has been a continuous struggle to sit still and pay attention. Basically. I want to do anything but sit still and do my job, so I end up constantly grabbing food. It's really hard to pay attention in meetings. And then at 5pm, a sudden calm and clarity washes over me, and suddenly I do feel calm and focused. Am I just an evening worker who should be physically active during the morning and afternoon, and save his desk work for evenings? Or will I adapt once I have a consistent rhythm? Tomorrow I will try with a morning run, to see if that will calm my bones down.

Becoming a Finisher Since I have decided to become more of a finisher, I have manifested the inclination to clean up after myself more, and close more open loops! I'm also spotting all the open loops that I was not aware of before. I usually don't close a closet or a drawer after I use it, now I do I did not put items like scissors or a razor back after using it, now I do I did not use to clean up downloaded files after I was done with them, now I do It used to be normal for me to always have a huge stack of dirty dishes. I'm now becoming someone who always has them done by the end of the day. The To-Do list of 30-60 items that I seem perpetually plagued by, is suddenly not acceptable anymore. Suddenly it's clear to me that such a thing will never finish. There should be a max length. I'm not sure what that is yet, but it's something between a day's work and a week's work. So, I cleaned out my work to-do's. Forced myself to only keep 5. And suddenly they become real! Before, they were just part of the 'impossible/someday' list. Now, I expect to actually do them, not jus track and torture myself with them. But I also notice my stress levels going down, and my focus becoming better.

Remember A Success I remember when I decided to start a coaching practice helping people with ADD, finding a client, him paying me, working together for 6 weeks and him being super happy with his progress afterwards. He even made me a glowing review video! Something I'm Grateful For Today I am grateful for having unlimited clean drinking water flowing out of my tap! If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No. How did I end up sitting behind a computer all day? When I quit my job, I'll make sure to become much more physically active. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I did not allow myself any distractions until 3pm. Also, I cleared out my to-do list so that I'll be more available for what is currently important in my team.

Why are you scared of sleeping with the lights off? Do you have an anxiety disorder? Past traumatic events? Were your parents unpredictable or violent? The thing with psychedelics is that your own state of mind influences the trip. So if you feel scared, it will show you some scary things. If you feel great and you trust it, you have a great trip. Both outcomes can be equally enlightening, by the way, but if you don't have some skill in calming yourself down, you could completely panic and that's not fun. So wait with psychedelics until you have your anxiety under control, and when you are more skilled in calming yourself down (meditation will help), you are ready. Don't conflate psychedelics and meditation. Meditation is the safe route. The worst that will happen to you as a beginner is boredom.

[6:10am] Ugh. Good morning, I guess? [8:05am] So far so good. Took entirely cold shower. Made bed. Meditated 20mins. Started work on time. Now to disallow myself the usual distractions. Edit: that went fine until 3pm. I felt like taking a break and spent 45 minutes on this forum reading about lucid dreams. There was no time for an actual break, however, so I still should have been working. My excuse was: yeah but I haven't started the new challenge yet That's fine. Won't have that excuse soon.

The next 90 days If it truly takes 90 days to build a new habit, then 30 day challenges are stupid. I've quit all caffeine for 3 months (I'm on my last 3 days) Here's what I want to implement next: Quit watching netflix during dinner and before bed Consistent bed times and wake times (my adherence is currently 26%) Not allowing any distraction while working (I've been wasting a lot of time on the internet again lately) I think these things should go nicely together. They will be painful to implement, but I really want to get to this next level of discipline so that I can get more out of my time. Of course I'm going to keep the no-caffeine. I will allow an exception once a month, but I will make sure it's only once a month. Still working on the mindset module of the CA course. When I'm done with that, perhaps there will be some new habits to be added in as well. In the morning a cold shower, before bed a warm shower. That's a nice way to wake up in the morning and chill out in the evening. I keep forgetting about my bedtimes when I am not at home. I was at my friend's place yesterday, and he asked me: what time is your train home? And I literally said: doesn't matter, what's your evening plans. I gave zero thought to my commitment to be in bed at 21:30. Same thing when I was with my date Sunday. Actually she needed to go to bed at 10, and I suggested we stay and have another beer until 11pm. Gave zero thought to my bedtime. The next day, I ignored my alarms and slept in until almost 11am. So there's a lack of discipline going on, and also a lack of trust somehow. I don't trust myself currently to go to bed on time, or to stick to it, so why would I get up on time. This is untenable. On the positive side: I remember writing on this thread soo many times about being stressed, tired, underslept and burnt out...well the quitting caffeine really did take care of that. I barely ever feel physically stressed now.

Where and on which of the 23 chromosomes are these 'extra 12 strands' located? Or are they separate chromosomes? Because in that case, one extra strand of DNA causes Down syndrome. Can't imagine what 12 would do...

@meadow Thank you for expressing that and letting me know that what I wrote resonated. That means a lot. I have been in the situation a lot where I specifically set out to approach, but was blocked by a wall of feeling unworthy. I physically turned red with shame just standing there considering to approach. I felt boring, and ugly, like a loser who did not belong there, and certain that she would see all that and be disgusted or mock me. I basically was certain that she would see me the same way people saw me (and I saw myself) in highschool. It's true that you can break through that by doing it a couple times in a row, and after that warm-up the unworthiness will fade and you get into a sort of flow. So I practiced that, but only a couple times. Not enough to get skilled. But enough to experience the breaking through and seeing that it does work. There's something I realised that is different now, that may be of use to you: I only aim to convey my feelings honestly. I don't need her to validate me, because I already validated myself. I don't need her to date me, my calendar is full. I just think she's hot and want to not keep that to myself. I'm very new at this still. I still notice my voice goes up an octave when I do these things. I probably smile too much and don't really think on my feet that well because of nervousness. But that will fade with practice.

@Karmadhi Having these victim stories in your head is the real problem, not your height. To get rid of these thoughts, overwhelm the thinking mind by taking massive action. How often do you approach girls?

Everyone here including you is just guessing. Why play that game when you can just find out? Collect names of the last 10 people that you had an interaction with that led nowhere and you don't know why. Collect your balls. Call them up. Ask them why. Mystery solved. If what they are saying makes no immediate sense, just write it down and post it here. Then we have something to work with and that people here can help you make sense of. It's probably not about being shy. It's definitely not about you not approaching first. Guys don't even want that. Everyone including you is terrible at seeing their blind spots. That's why they're blind spots. And that's also why this guessing game is pointless, because the thing that is your blind spot is by definition going to be the thing that you are not aware of, ergo you won't mention it here and everyone else here is guessing based on your wrong initial guess.

@Lyubov What do you have to lose? She hates you already currently. Maybe you can fix it maybe not. This kind of honesty takes a lot of practice. Why procrastinate on that?

Remember A Success Yesterday, when I successfully took the opportunity to talk to a woman I felt drawn to, and honestly expressed my intentions. Something I'm Grateful For Today I am grateful for my parents transforming themselves and becoming healthier and healthier If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No. I'd call in sick tomorrow and find a person to have sex and do drugs with. Obviously. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I busted through my lack of focus and used small steps to slowly get myself back into flow. Even though it did not feel possible. I worked on something that would have been forgotten, but I personally kept track of it because it's important. I used stopwatches to make sure my queries were fast

@Preety_India You're not selfish. You're just not yet free of the spell of this narcissistic ex. I understand seeing value in people, and I understand everyone has flaws. But narcissism is not a regular flaw, it's a serious personality disorder that is destructive to everyone around them, and someone with healthy self worth would definitely immediately break contact for. And this is the right thing to do. To protect yourself first and foremost, because you love yourself Because you love the person, and know that being a saviour/enabler never works out and doesn't help them Because you still being there validates their behavior, and robs them of the chance to be shocked awake and possibly change Here's what I think happened: the narcissist in question has gaslighted you into thinking that you are seriously flawed as well. So now you believe you don't deserve better than to be around other seriously flawed people. The only way to break the spell is to completely cut contact with all narcissistic or otherwise manipulative people, and then start the healing process. I bet you'll discover this "selfish" thought is just something some previous man put in your head during a fight, and you internalized it.

The way she reacts, I bet she has feelings for you too. Did you admit those feelings to her? Because if you didn't, it's possible that she senses your dishonesty and on some level wants you to be honest about the crush so you two can stop the friend charade. Women can get very angry when they sense you're being a wimp about something. If you're gonna lose her anyway, might be worth exploring! This: "I'm in love with you, so I am asking you to move to my town so we can be together. Please say yes. If you don't feel the same way, I have to take some space to heal" is a much more respectable way to potentially end this, with the added bonus of honesty and perhaps getting what you want. And if she says no to that, I bet she'll be a lot nicer and more understanding to you, and won't complain that you haven't explained well. Because this is what was missing from the explanation.

There's your mistake. Your happiness is partly dependent on the girl. If you were firmly grounded in your purpose, you would not ask this question. You would not worry about being happy, because you are making yourself happy by doing what is important to you in life. So work on that. Secondly, you are having doubts, so no. Set her free. Imagine her asking this about you on a forum. Would you want to stay in that relationship? Why are you doubting your ability to get what you truly desire in life? This indicates an energetic blockage to me, which is probably a pattern in multiple areas of your existence: are you settling for an average life?