flowboy

I can't believe you say you were a pickup artist, and yet you thought it would be a good idea to "declare your love" whilst not even meeting her in person! I haven't been that dumb since I was 19. Then again, maybe you are 19. You should have invited her over and gotten a little physical. You know, without getting all sappy about your feelings. Just being cool and playing with her. Make her wonder whether you are interested. Well you just blew all that didn't you. I don't care what she says she won't risk in her job, people do a lot of things they think they won't, when there is physicality and sexual tension. Can you still do that?

Can you make a normal doctor's appointment, is that a possibility where you live? (Not hospital) Because it definitely sounds like you should get your blood values checked. I heard that the standard tests for iron deficiency are not accurate (they only warn when you have acute anemia), and you should ask for the more expensive tests. Then again, you may have actual anemia. I have winter depression, and it can get pretty bad. However, I bought a daylight-therapy lamp, and have it shine in my face several hours a day. Best thing I ever did. All anxious and sad feelings totally gone! No side effects either. Takes 5 days for it to kick in. I highly recommend getting one. I have a Philips Bright Light.

For the people interested in how it played out: I invited her over. I started basically right away to explain to her that I felt we had been showing each other only the sunny side of everything, only allowing the other to see the successes, but not the struggles. And that there was a whole part of my life that I sometimes feel ashamed about, especially around people who seemingly haven't had such problems (like her). And that I'm working on loving everything about me, also my history, but that I'm not there yet. And that I don't want to hide that and be fake anymore, because I want to build a connection where we know each other deeply. Then she interrupted me to say that she was planning to have the exact same talk with me that day. Turns out, we both had been assuming that the other wanted only to date and talk superficially. I saw some behaviors in her that made me think: maybe she's just in it to have sex with a hot guy and entertain herself. She thought the same about me. But actually we just had been mirroring each other all this time! And really, we both want to build a deep connection with one person. It was unreal how much in sync we were. Then we shared openly about our lives. Turns out she had very similar struggles as I did: being almost burnt out, brain not working properly at a job she used to be great at, feeling like a fraud, pretending to work whilst secretly being unable to be productive, feeling guilt and doubt whether we "still got it". Exactly the stuff I have been bitching about on my journal! I felt my heart opening and am so much more excited to be near her, now that she's a human. Thank you guys for your advice.

To Monogamy Or Not To Monogamy I had the talk with her. She said she likes monogamy and is not that comfortable with open relating, because she feels it would cause her to close off parts of herself that would otherwise allow her to connect deeper. I'm here for the deep connection, and I already decided that being committed to one girl is right for this phase of my life. So I said ok. But... so much of my identity is in being free to do tantric play with people, I'm part of a whole community and have many friends who I sometimes have sex with when I see them. It would be strange to reject that suddenly. Also, I am not okay with never sleeping with anyone else again. I am okay for being monogamous for the next 3-5 years. After which I expect to have more money, more free time and then I expect to also want to have more sexual variety. But I don't know. And I didn't tell her that part. And I didn't tell her that "forever" scares me and makes me feel like I'm being choked. I hate limitation. I can't stand anything imposing on my freedom. It's who I am, to my core. But: Energy Comes From Restraint. Don't remember who said it, but it's true. I feel that by concentrating on one person, I will have one enriching intimate relationship and have more energy to conquer the world and follow my purpose. My thoughts are a jumble. The morning after we had the talk and agreed to do monogamy, I suddenly felt like I didn't feel anything for her. My brain was trying to convince me that I don't love her anymore and should run. It's not true. I think she's amazing and I really am very lucky to be with her. I had been hoping to get more serious and deep with her for months. Now that I am where I wanted to be, I suddenly tremble and look back in fear of the price I'm paying. The price being: sexual opportunity. I just value adventure and experiences. I had sex with 55 women in my life, and I want at some point to at least double that number. So the question really is: if I feel now that maybe monogamy can't fulfill me forever, is it fair for me to agree to it? I think it is, and I will just have to see how my decision plays out. And enjoy the moment.

Remember A Success I remember the first coaching call I did, I was super nervous, but I had been preparing a lot: the ideas just flowed out of me. My first client was very happy with me, because it is just apparently something I naturally do well. I will continue to learn and improve, but I feel great knowing that I tend to be great at things I choose to do from the start. That's a success. I am successful. Something I'm Grateful For I am grateful for beets. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? Yes. Because of the great flow it was actually a lot of fun. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I finished what I started. I split my pull request up into smaller, more readable parts, as I have been preaching I tested thoroughly Daily reflection question: What are the two extremes that the current balancing act is about? Extreme 1: spend all my free time with my girlfriend, sleep in with her, adjust my schedule to her, delay my dream indefinitely Extreme 2: see my girlfriend only once a week at most, because her being there disrupts some parts of my morning and evening routines

AMAZING SALAD WORKFLOW My brain is working super fast. I'm thinking fast, I'm answering fast. My words are confident, my voice is strong and what I say makes sense. I'm 100% with it. My programming and problem solving is going in a nice tempo, it's very enjoyable, and I am aware of everything. I'm making full use of my working memory. I'm being efficient. My code is beautiful. I'm not even interested in any distractions. My body is producing a flood of good neurotransmitters and I constantly feel tingly and excited. This is truly better than caffeinated, not just in how good I feel, but also how sharp I am and the quality of my output. ** SAVE GAME ** Ingredients: Saying affirmations Cold shower (did not even run) Day 5 since last peak orgasm Breakfast: Water with pieces of fresh lemon, kurkuma and magnesium powder Scrambled eggs Herbal coffee with cayenne pepper Ginger tea Lunch: Salad with zucchini, black beans, beets, avocado, tuna, olive oil, and more good stuff No almond milk in the fake coffee, no protein shake, no oatmeal. These are the remaining suspects. What's clear is that salad is the bomb for performance. And maybe fasting is too, but this way, I get to eat.

Does Oatmeal make me sluggish, or is it the protein shakes? For the past couple months I have been making oatmeal for lunch. I can't eat bread because gluten kills my concentration, oats are supposed to be okay however. But are they? All I know is my 2 data points: yesterday I had oatmeal for lunch and I rated my performance at 50% today I had a salad with lots of fresh veggies, beans, fish and olive oil, and a smoothie, and I rate my performance at 85% So why not make this salad every day? Well, it's a lot more expensive. About 10 euros per meal, whereas oatmeal costs next to nothing. Unless I replace my dinner with oatmeal, and get my vegetables and proteins with this lunch salad. That could work. I need more data. Tomorrow I will try to eat my warm dinner at lunchtime and see what that does for my focus. Fresh salads are really the best for focus. This was great.

Remember A Success I remember deciding to write some sales letters, and quickly getting my first customer from that. It really gives me confidence, knowing that I'm talented at sales and marketing as well. Something I'm Grateful For I am grateful for having good friends who want to go on vacation with me, and include me in their cool plans If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I finished what I started. I did not tolerate any distraction, and busted through the brain fog. Daily reflection question: What expectations can I let go of? I could let go of the expectation that I'm ever going to see L again. She's in another country. If it happens, it happens. I could let go of the expectation that the friends I invited will be able to join I could let go of the expectation that D wants to be monogamous. We haven't even talked about that, so why worry. I could let go of the expectation that the threeway I have planned is actually going to happen. If it does, great. if not, I enjoyed planning it.

Remember A Success I remember taking Spanish lessons for a season, and being instantly at the top of my class. I feel really successful, knowing that everything I do I can quickly become successful at. Something I'm Grateful For This day, I am grateful for meeting such a great woman. I am also grateful for stumbling upon the CA course - the sales training is awesome. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? Yes. I worked towards my dream today - by taking a sales training and by taking driving lessons. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I honored my commitment to excellence by taking copious notes and not procrastinating at all. I also did my entire mindset ritual in the morning, even though it seemed like al lot of work, because it's so new. I also honored my commitment to excellence by packing my gym bag the previous night for myself, so that this morning I could get up and instantly go to the gym at 6:15AM. Daily reflection question: How can I do this with more love? I could ask myself what's in D's best interest to know, instead of blindly wanting to unload everything. I could not put any pressure on the people I am looking to have a threesome with, and really completely understand if it doesn't go as planned I could study my driving notes and theory from time to time, because I love people and don't want to kill them with my car

Remember A Success I sold my first client on the first call!! I didn't even know that the recommended format was a phone call, I just did a video call and improvised the whole thing. And I closed I feel very blessed and successful Something I'm Grateful For I'm grateful for meeting a really high quality woman who is exactly the type I was hoping to meet, and dating her. And she lives right next door to me. God must really like me If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? Yes. I woke up next to my ideal woman and then worked towards my dream (by doing a sales training) How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? Today I honored my commitment to excellence by taking a lot of notes, but taking them orderly and organising them as I went along, so that they will be readable later I also honored my commitment to excellence by evaluating my KPIs from last week and planning a realistic next week Daily Reflection Question: How can I take myself out of the equation? By telling D. the full truth about my feelings about monogamy, even though it may cause her to want to leave

Things worked out beautifully with D. I shared openly with her some of my struggles and imperfections that I had been hiding. She said she was so glad I did that because she was planning on having the exact same talk with me that day! Turns out both of us thought the other only wanted a superficial dating relationship! But actually we both want a deep connection. Unreal. Obviously, I'm really happy now.

I dream of many things but lately I'm always smoking cigarettes in the dream. Or giving in to a craving for them. I started the day with porn. Unintentionally (I told myself it was part of the vision work - it wasn't) From there on, it was very hard to focus on work kbecause I had wild group sex scenarios in my mind. And thoughts like: "Why am I trying to date one person and fantasizing about group sex all the time. I should be dating a group!" ? Well it's kind of not a joke. But I'm so physically excited all day I can't think straight. Or sit still. Not sure if it was the magnesium, the ginger or the turmeric, or just the 7 days no peak orgasm... but something's up with my body. It doesn't wanna work. It wants to get busy? Remember A Success When my team was on vacation and I made radical design changes and threw all the old work out. I had a vision. Yes some people were pissed at me, but the customer loved it. I felt really successful there. Something I'm Grateful For I'm grateful for my health If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? Today, I honored my commitment to excellence by moving my calendar items around until I was sure that it would fit. I could have done better at the excellence, to be frank. I'm not sure about whether the code I'm writing is useful and I've been distracting myself with porn and social stuff. Daily Reflection Question: What is the one thing you know you must do, but have been avoiding for a long time? A: Can't think of anything right now. I tend to handle my shit

Remember A Success When I joined an improv comedy course, it turned out to be a spiritual experience for me and quite transformative. People started asking me whether I had done it before, because what flowed through me was so funny and creative. But I had no idea where that came from. This is yet another example of me being successful at something. Something I'm Grateful For I'm grateful for the drug fuelled orgy experience I had a couple years ago. That memory brings me joy every time. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No: I was highly disciplined today, but my mind was dragging its heels, so if I would die tomorrow I would rather have been in a spa today. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? Today, I honored my commitment to excellence by implementing a test that I really did not feel like implementing at the moment, but it does improve code quality. Daily Reflection Question: What is the most emotionally difficult thing I could do here? Hmmmm.... I have to talk to D and find out whether we both want a relationship or not. But that's not something to do right now. I think I pretty much have it handled. My entire day was emotionally difficult decisions, because I was mentally tired and feeling unawake, but persisted in doing what the schedule says. Suddenly, from deep in my subconscious, an old dream came out from the shadows: to be a good musician and play in a band. Now, I have to find out whether that dream is still relevant. Music is important to me because I used to love playing, and it's one connection to my dad who is a musician and composer. And I have totally been ignoring it. So it feels very integrative, the idea of introducing it into my life again. But the dream of being in a band and playing shows? The 16 year old me wanted that, because he was hoping to get girls that way. Which, I have to admit, still means something to me. To have girls adore me without having to do anything, just by reputation alone. No game, no body language practice, no approaching. Just them approaching me. That would be awesome. Why am I even judging that?

Remember A Success When I was the first at my local Toastmasters club to organize a collaboration with a vocal coach. I pulled it off and presented the entire evening, too. I even had to dodge random aggressive dudes on the way there, so I could make it happen on time. I feel truly proud and successful, knowing that I organised that event well. Something I'm Grateful For I'm grateful for having a healthy body. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No: I was productive, but this menial programming is not the highest leverage use of my mind. I can do greater things. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? Today, I honored my commitment to excellence by writing down and tracking every edge case and loose end I could think of. Also, I did zero distraction before and during work. Daily Reflection Question: Where and how am I being a victim? Hmmm... I play victim to my low budget, complaining that I can't afford the healthy food I want, even though I chose to overspend on unhealthy food earlier this month and that is why

Remember A Success When several teammates were worried over a part of the code becoming messy, they asked me to help refactor it. And like so many other times, I used my superior ability to intuitively refactor code into a nice architecture, and everyone was happy. Something I'm Grateful For I'm grateful for D, who I used to date but is now a friend, for actually remaining in my life. She pointed out the sunrise to me and got me to look outside and appreciate it. I value that. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? Yes. I worked on the mindset module, designing my new character. As well as cleaning up old tasks and projects, and scheduling the most important ones. Both absolutely essential for my well-being. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? Today, I honored my commitment to excellence by sitting down to do the work, even though I really did NOT feel like it. Which is logical. I've given my character too much leash to mess around the past couple days. Now it thinks it can just avoid work. No sir.

Just met the first person who intuitively thinks the same about determinism as a way out of regret and into freedom. What is it called when people think so much alike, they could have been brain twins? Talking to him, I feel like my way of thinking is not weird, not something to be adapted, but amazing, unique and valuable. I finally feel validated in being completely myself, not having to change one little thing to be more palatable, more relatable, more understood. I want to remember and maintain this frame and way of being, for when I am with my girl. I gotta value myself and my uniqueness

Backlash I drank coffee 2 days in a row and went quite insane. I have been pretending to work for 3 days, saying yes and amen to colleagues, lying about being at work while actually reading this forum, instagram and other things in an insane manner. Not out of interest, but just to escape. Now there's pressure on me to complete 3 days of work within a few hours, or my lie will become obvious. Also I overspent my money on food, overate sugar and unhealthy stuff, jerked off to porn. Until enjoyment became sheer panic. Putting more pressure on myself, which doesn't work. Drinking caffeine, increasing stress and anxiety, which doesn't help. Why am I not able to stop it? Actually, I am: I just don't want to. On some level, I would rather have this temporary insanity because it lets me be free to do unimportant things. I even crave sex with girls I'm not attracted to! Just because I crave for 'what I do' to not matter so much. My ego wants me to be a good worker, it creates pressure but then it also hates that pressure and will bend many rules to escape it. Why is it not enough that I let myself do these things one day a week? I truly feel like a drug addict. I hate the feeling of being caffeinated, but still I go really out of my way to go buy a cup. Like a self-sabotaging robot. I should create some sort of pattern interrupt sequence for myself, because this is a recurring problem which impacts my happiness and self esteem. The dopamine monkey gets to take over the wheel, because the disciplined monk is not able to produce satisfaction. I suspect this is directly related to how big my list of things to do is. The bigger, the more unrealistic, the less worthwhile it seems to even start. So I could have prevented this by trimming it down on time. I even feel like smoking tobacco now, and if I had it I probably would. But I won't really go to buy or ask for it, I don't want to fall that low. Edit: I'm so out of my mind that I lost the ability to understand and read carefully. Or make rational choices. I'm trying to put on a rational face towards my colleague, trying to evaluate and comment on his work. APPARENTLY I'M STILL SAYING SMART THINGS even though I feel like I have no clue what's going on. I drank so much caffeine and put so much pressure that I fucked myself out of clear reasoning ability. Panic blocks understanding. I need to commit to a permanent way to handle this. This is just not cute anymore. It's also not cool and immoral to disappoint colleagues and stick them with all the work that I did not deliver on. Also, if I can't handle this tiny amount of pressure, how am I going to handle the pressures of being an entrepreneur? I have to implement a habit of regularly trimming my stack of to-do items. Just like clipping my fingernails. Also, I have to remember that coffee doesn't make me productive, it just makes me panic and hate myself.

@Alfonsoo You need to look for a painful problem that real people have, that you can solve. Maybe with cooking skills, maybe with other skills. Starting with what you like is a selfish approach to business, and therefore it seldom works.

@Preety_India Fascinating. Thank you for elaborating on your story for me. It's beautiful and I learnt a lot.

@Preety_India I understand, and congratulations on that introspection about living out your mom's dream. Isn't it fascinating how as children we make vows based on impressions from elders, and those determine our lives until we become conscious of the pattern. I understand now that by romantic you mean the kind of guy that will overload a girl with fake compliments and attention from the get-go. That's a telltale sign of a narcissist, and actually it is known in the pickup community that that kind of game only works on vulnerable women with very low self-esteem, or otherwise have emotional problems, so it is not recommended. Women (and men) with reasonable to high self esteem will be very skeptical and distrusting with such unearned over the top flattery. They will wonder what you are selling. That's not to say that your self esteem is so low that it attracted these people. You apparently were also conditioned to like this sort of behaviour by your mother. Could have been a combination. You know better than I, I'm just hypothesising because I find it interesting. What saddens me though, is that you make the leap from "not overloading with flattery like a typical narcissist" to "not initially attractive". That sounds like an unnecessary sacrifice. I'm initially attractive. But maybe not to people who really like over-the-top flattery. My point I guess, is that you and many others are prone to liking this behavior, but many other women actually find it suspicious and not at all attractive. And rightfully so. They are more attracted to confidence, humor and authenticity. It seems like a more beneficial emotional configuration. Do you think this can be learnt? I hope so. I want to live in a world where people can be initially attracted to their right partner

@Preety_India I hate to be harsh, but this is actually how you attract more of the same (more people with these flaws will come into your life, your partner will display more of these flaws). Because you are thinking about it. See also what @mandyjw wrote. So if you're looking for an explanation of why these types of men keep showing up in your life: part of that reason will be that you haven't fully processed your trauma and therefore are a beacon that attracts more of the same. I know this from personal experience. I used to attract bullies and being bullied and being challenged into fights, wherever I went. For a long time I could not understand why this kept showing up for me. Until I learnt that because I still had pain and unforgiven hurt, it was still part of my energy pattern. It still occupied part of my thoughts. That attracted more people prone to playing out the same pattern with me. I was still putting energy into avoiding bullying. That caused me to basically beam "BULLY ME PLEASE" into the universe. That caught the attention of all the people who were prone to the opposite role of that pattern. Similarly, people who have been abused by their partner and haven't fully processed it (meaning forgiveness has taken place and no thought energy is spent on it anymore), become a beacon that screams "ABUSE ME PLEASE", like neon letters above their head. Once you complete whatever therapy form you choose, you will really be surprised at the amount of righteous men that suddenly appear in your reality! Of course you may still have the same partner by then. But it will still be nice to see that around you, know they exist and that the world is not as dark as it once seemed. I really want that for you

@Preety_India I would consider myself a reasonably romantic man. I do shit like pluck a wild flower and bring it to her, compose a well thought-out fruit basket and bring it to her when she's feeling under the weather, come up with creative date ideas, bring surprise picnic baskets to park dates. I say really sweet things when I actually feel them. That way they don't come off too cheesy. I like to hold hands. I don't constantly do things like this, but when I do, it is out of a spontaneous inspiration to do something nice and loving. Not to get some reaction out of her. (Of course I hope she will like it, but mostly I like to do it) I don't spend much time thinking about what romantic actually means, so maybe you mean different things. But my point is: I don't do any of the things on your list there. And I bet there are many like me. I'm not that special.

Oh and I recommend not hitting a girl on any date

I think it's good, and I would be interested in doing it this way some more. However, having it as a rigid plan of attack is not necessary once you learn to feel into when the girl wants to be kissed. When I used to be too nervous on dates to feel into anything, I would just force myself to do it, always. Because it would lead to more learning - and statistically to more success. Because there's many dates where the girls want you to make a move, and if you pussy out, they get disappointed and lose interest. And in the cases where they are not ready - at least you communicated intent, and that you have the balls to make a move. A rejected kiss doesn't put you out of the game: if you handle it well, you can just try again 5 minutes later with a high success rate. So I'd say that when you're too nervous to properly feel into the situation, or you need to sharpen your calibration with experience, it's better to just go for it always. You lose more if you don't. And if you do and it goes wrong, you still communicated that you would escalate, which is important. What the driving instructor is describing only works because his body language and vibe subcommunicates that he would have the balls to kiss and escalate, without having to do it. It's kind of like how people who get a black belt just walk more confidently, they subcommunicate that they can handle themselves, and as a result they won't get challenged and be required to demonstrate it often. So when you feel in yourself that you're radiating that level of masculine intent, you don't need to robotically go for the kiss anymore, and can actually play with that tension and tease the girl with it, even. (this is playing with fire though) My most recent first dates went sort of like this, I'd say. I was just over for a cup of tea. I knew she could feel my masculine polarity and intent. But there was not enough time, so we just chatted and hugged. Then she arranged a second date and I could sense when she was craving the kiss. So then we could take our time for it.

I am enjoying what he says - there's something profoundly creepy about the worshipping way those women look at him, though