flowboy

Taking tomorrow off caffeine. I expect to have a hard time with that, but who cares, I can apparently also quit smoking cold turkey now, so I can handle it. Let's see how addicted I've gotten in the past couple weeks. Maybe it's still okay. I hope so. Even though I'm going to bed on time, I don't feel like I have slept much at all. So that should be a red flag and a good clue to adjust

She was blonde, short, kinda cool. Coerced me to take my clothes off in front of the camera. Then told me to come to her soundproof room where "you could easily kill someone". I'm going on an adventure!

@BartekD You will probably have to do grounding practice, standing barefoot on the earth. He mentions it too. This stuff is highly fascinating to me. It's happening to people around me, not me personally. Glad I could help someone with the reference.

On the upswing again. I am not feeling feverish anymore. I asked a friend to hold me accountable to get my shit together today. And I am. Currently creating a new weekly schedule. Looking forward to getting rid of this morning anxiety again. I know from experience that it helps. I've also been eating mostly salad for the past 5 days, and my sugar cravings are disappearing

Healthy, Ready-to-eat, Affordable. Pick any 2 So it's going to be expensive. Here's a suggestion to start with: almond butter. I like to dip fruits or vegetables in it, like carrots, slices of apple, celery sticks. That's pretty filling. Tahini works too. I'd avoid peanut butter, even though I sometimes pick that because I like it. But not as good for the gut. You can also buy hummus and dip pre-cut vegetables in it. But check the ingredient list. The cheaper pre-made hummus usually has unhealthy vegetable oils in it Here you can also buy pre-cut coconut flesh pieces which are nice. Of course there is pre-cooked smoked salmon steak that you can buy here. But that has syrup on it, so I wouldn't consider that super clean. At least check the ingredient list. Oh, and I like to buy cans of sardines in olive oil and eat it out of the can. Leo's video mentions whole roasted chicken, which is usually not messed with. I haven't seen that where I live, but I would buy that. Also pre-made sushi is sometimes good. Depends on what's stuffed in there. I wouldn't trust the tuna salad ones to be so clean, for example.

@BartekD Vivek Govekar has a youtube channel you might like. He documents how he went through dealing with this energy

I second the David Deida recommendation. He has several good books which will help. Doing a Tantra workshop really helped me, because it's a very open environment where spiritually integrated and self-aware women and men come together to help understand each other better and learn to interact and navigate the relationship dynamics in a better way. A lot of Deida's teachings were used there.

@Striving for more Be happy that this sucks so much. It's great, because then when you approach and get rejected, it will suck way less! So the next time you have an opportunity, remember that you will suffer way more with beating yourself up, than if you try and it doesn't go your way. Being rejected is peanuts compared to the hell you're giving yourself now.

I set out to get good with girls, so I could be the man I thought I needed to be, and thus have self esteem. But I found self esteem way before I found the other thing. Actually, I still don't have any of the skills that I pictured myself having. I wanted to be able to talk to and really connect to girls when I feel attracted, and be so confident and practiced in that situation, that it has a good chance of it going well. What ended up happening was I chose to not invest serious time in picking up girls, and handle other life priorities first. So I only really did it a couple times a year. I'm still not even over approach anxiety, and not yet in the habit of going for it. I still find myself debating it in my mind, and taking a long time hesitating. But that all doesn't really matter, because through other practices and experiences I came to think of myself as a valuable person and an attractive man. And that meant I could even make the most clumsy approaches and situations work. It makes the initial anxiety into an enjoyable excitement. My two cents: don't second-guess yourself. If your intuition tells you that this is what you need to work on first, do it! Pursuing anything and getting better at it will work wonders on your self-esteem, anyhow. Whether it's social skills or anything else.

I just remembered my dream. It was very sexual. Which is strange, because I haven't been feeling that sexually charged at all, the past couple days. I'm still pretty 'under the weather'. I only remember this fragment: on some epic adventure, I meet this woman. The adventure may have resembled something like a huge festival, I'm not sure. The woman is older, wiser but also clearly scarred by life. She has something in her energy that feels self-destructive and tragic. Maybe it's alcoholism, maybe it's drug addiction. Maybe it's abusive relationship patterns that she repeats. You can feel that it's something like that. But nonetheless she's wise and I find beauty in her flaws. She likes my young physical presence but with a mature mind. We get along well and there is sexual tension. We appear to be in her bedroom now. We hang out, talk in her bed for a long time as she feels out whether she can trust me not to hurt her. Checking and double-checking in indirect ways, with misdirection and distraction like only women can so masterfully do. I respond with openness and show her that I need nothing from her, that I have no expectations and no secrets either. Finally, as it's getting late, her weathered psyche decides to trust me and she gets horny. As she pulls down her pants, she shows me her penis. Instead of being put off by it at all, I get excited: it just means we can try different stuff now. I can still penetrate her, and she can penetrate me later, in the same way! All I'm attracted to is her feminine energy, anyways. As long as the attraction is there, we will make the body parts work. She seems relieved that I did not overreact and re-traumatize her like so many before me have done. I am delighted to give her a good, healing experience. And I really am sure this feels authentic for me, I check myself but I'm not being a pleaser at this point. Your boundaries and what you are into are not static, not fixed, they highly vary moment-to-moment and depend too on the dynamic with the person. As I contemplate this, I proceed to have anal sex with her and we have great time. I think to myself whether I want to give the woman a blowjob. A question I've never asked before. On the one hand, I am eager to try it, on the other, I fear getting an STD from her. Then again, the risk of transmission from a blow job is quite low. As I debate this in my head, the dream ends. I think I noticed that Spotify was still playing the JRE podcast, because apparently it autoplays now. That might have had something to do with the weirdness of this dream.

The green lacewing ? has escaped from the bathroom and is now sitting on my door. As if to tell me something. I have a hunch that this is a good sign, because I like the way the bug looks, I like its bright green color. Besides that, I really did not know what to do with him/her. So I just said "Thank you!" to it, smiled, and went for a walk. It started snowing big dense flakes. I'm reminded of a couple months ago, when ladybugs followed me to the most unlikely places. I took that as a sign of good fortune, as well. It seems to coincide with synchronicities happening.

I came here to write something different. I just wanted to write my raw, scattered feelings down, because something really cool happened. However, my mind did its usual thing and started flexing its muscles, analyzing and building theories. What if someone saw the parts of you that you never would have shown? What if someone pierced and connected the two worlds you desperately tried to keep separate? What if a real life person, made of flesh and blood and clothes and accessories, also could read my dirty secrets? What if they read my crass accounts of going out to pick up girls, my endless neurotic ramblings about trying to get rid of addictions, even my account of putting a vibrator in my ass on psychedelics, and met all of that with acceptance and positivity? ? I'm floored. It's a heart-opening experience. I feel gratitude. I feel Self-love. I feel Other-love.

Wim Hof Breathing subtly but unmistakeably altered my state. During the first two rounds, my body felt rusty and achy, like a piece of crumpled-up paper trying to stretch back into shape. The movement of full breathing felt awkward. After the second breath hold, I heard a high-pitched ringing and my hearing seemed to tune inwards. During the third round, my body felt smooth, supple, and the sensation of breathing had completely transformed. My body was automatically doing this movement of breathing, and instead of awkward and forced, it felt completely natural and symmetric. I was presented with a strong internal visual of the inside of my chest cavity, depicted as a hologram of gold and similarly colored rays of light, and I watched it perform this perfect circular breathing pattern. The body also felt super light, and I felt slightly detached from it, in a way that the visual in my mind's eye felt more important than the physical form. It's as if the sensation of lightness is there to say: the physical form is alright, don't worry about it for now. I realise now that this what a light dose of DMT does, too. The emotional state change is profound, too. Before, I was slightly moody and preoccupied with my usual worries. During the practice and after: intense gratitude and optimism. Wow! And all of that in under 10 minutes. Why did I not recognize before how valuable this is? I've done this or similar breathwork practices with friends, and kept it up for a week on several occasions. I have friends who do this every day. And yet I have undervalued it. I find it easier to value the effects of drugs such as DMT or green tea, than practices you do with just the body, like breathwork and yoga. Perhaps it is because it is actually hard to remember altered states of consciousness. I think I remember, but do I really? With drugs like LSD, I remember some of the visuals, and some of the insights. But not how it felt to be in that state. From a regular, going-to-work waking state of consciousness, perhaps the only tangible feats to grab onto as proof that it was effective, are the side effects and the cherries on top.

Now as for ways to bridge that gap - you need to address the root of the issues. Most commonly it stems from childhood. For example: things that happened from before you even remember negative energy absorbed from a dysfunctional parent bullying or some kind of incident dysfunctional patterns that you were imprinted with and copied from family members not being picked up always when you cried as a baby, can also cause addiction If you don't know, that's okay. Still, it's a good bet to choose a form of therapy that lets you go back and re-process childhood. I had great results with Primal Therapy and can recommend a good resource. But that's only one option. If you don't know where the issue comes from, you could find a hypnotherapist to guide you to the root. The most important thing is that you feel comfortable with the therapist, so find one that you trust. My other recommendation is microdosing psilocybin. If you can get it, it's great. It helps against addiction, it opens you up spiritually and allows for releasing blockages and gaining insights, rewiring your mind in a healthier way, a little each day. I would combine it with journaling. Perhaps start one here, if you haven't already. ?

@TheSpiritualBunny You are already almost there. The benzo's have shown you a state you can be in - free of self-judgement and full of life. Make no mistake - that state is also you. It can be the sober you, too. The benzos have shown you what happens if the brakes are off, and it's been great. I would interpret this as a window into the future! Probably some time maybe a year from now, you'll be in that motivated, happy state and think back - shit, this is what those dirty benzos tried to show me! And now it's here!

@Preety_India Have you tried Leo's Forgiveness exercise? I really like it. ?

@Rilles And be in silence for a year, letting some sociopath do all the talking for you. Essential part.

I just went to pee, and one of these guys just flew out of my pants. I could not find information about a spiritual meaning of the green lacewing specifically, so I'm going to interpret this as a sign of prosperity and good luck ? As well as the physical damage and negative energy from smoking addiction leaving my body and being forgiven. Like a shamanic extraction. I already feel better.

He's not great at speaking though. I have multiple audiobooks by him that I couldn't get through, because he read them himself and it just sounds like he's bored. Am I alone in this?

@StateOfMind Rest assured that in my daily life I am usually too closed-off to this I only get it in spiritually heightened / open states, for example on a retreat, or when I have eaten healthy and not ejaculated for multiple weeks. Which is not often ?

yup, happens to me too. I can also pick up (or empathise) sensations of people if they are in front of me, being sexual or otherwise Although personally I don't really bother with porn which is well-acted or elaborate like that

@xxxx I just listened to the second half of that podcast episode again, from about 81 minutes until 115 minutes. I now feel more hesitant about recommending a sleep experiment like that. Apparently, less than 1% of people have that genetic variation. Also, just one short night will disrupt the body's ability to clean up the daily accumulation of cancer cells effectively. And even if you feel fine and not sleep deprived, it doesn't mean you are, because people are bad at knowing this. It's tricky. Good luck!

@KenDo