flowboy

@neutralempty Because it's from Leo's cooking channel. you must have not seen it I also liked to make big quantities of the Actualized Soup. Although I'm more into salads these days. Quicker, fresher.

Building up Pain Tolerance I've been doing mini workouts to get back into it. A single set of push-ups here. Some pull-ups there. Since my vacation I found myself less tolerant to workout pain. So I do a little bit, because it makes me crave more. This morning, just a short run around the block and 20 pull-ups. 10, 6, 4. I feel like I can definitely do more, and would be excited to work up a sweat again. So it's working! I looked in the mirror at the place where my sixpack used to be. Time to get it back! Also my shoulders, chest and triceps are slimming down. I can't have that. That is unacceptable My cold shower went deeper than I usually do it. I put my attention on the feeling of "just one more sec, can we get out now", and tried to transform it by taking breaths and making sound like I was relaxing and enjoying it. That helped. I even went through the "brainfreeze" feeling until it was so painful that it kind of shocked me. I imagined Wim swimming under the ice, and reminded myself how much more is possible. I guess I'm lucky that my shower goes really cold. D's shower wasn't quite doing it for me.

I just slept for 14 hours straight Went for a "nap" at 18:00. Woke up at 8 am, ready to start the day. Still no craving for caffeine. How strange. This is day 3 of accidentally quitting cold-turkey, and I am fine. Had a bit of a headache, but that went away with some Wim Hof breathing. Mental clarity is fine. Of course I've been eating mostly raw vegetables for the past week, that probably helps. Perhaps quitting caffeine is just a matter of taking a long nap, where you catch up on all the restorative sleep you were deprived of. And that's it. Daily Wim hof breathing has helped too probably. But mostly, I feel like I've been given a cheat code from above. Thank you Thought of the day: is there even a better feeling of contentment, than coming out of an ice cold shower and, body still tingling, warming my hands on a warm bowl of breakfast material? ?

I suddenly have the urge to go live in a forest. Just looked up house prices of single houses that are amidst a forest. I've seen a really nice one when I walked by it. The entire front wall was glass. There was someone working on their laptop inside. Basically their desk was in the forest. I want that.

I spent 5 hours catching up with my accounting and researching tax related stuff... and I still have energy to spare! I have no clue what the hell is going on with me. I'm calmly doing what needs to be done. So even-keeled. So equanimous. So the 2021 me! :))

Silence, Calm and Relaxed Productivity I expected today to be a hellish day. Because I have been upping my coffee use to alarming levels again, I decided it's enough again and I will switch to tea, and stick to it this time. [I realised my behavior with coffee really follows the same pattern as that of an alcoholic: I can't "just have one", and pretty soon I need it the entire day and let it keep me up at night too] Quitting usually leads to overwhelming sleepiness, no motivation and attempted abuse of tea. Instead, I was surprised to not need any coffee or tea today! I've equanimously immersed myself in one boring task after the other. First work, then business admin. There was very little of the franticness and panic, instead there was just calm acceptance and trust that I will figure it out. I had planned too many things for today, but I don't feel guilty for not completing them: after all, I haven't slacked off and kept calmly chugging along. So if my week plan doesn't fit in my week, well, then some things will just have to get cut, won't they? I would stress way more over this normally. Also, I felt very little desire to slack off by reading and reacting to things on this forum, or on my cellphone. It's like I have successfully disgusted myself with overstimulation, and now all I want is silence, to read and calmly do my work. When I went to get coffee, I looked at the chocolate muffin I wanted, and the premade sandwich: and said to myself: "I know what that leads to. Enough already. I have a salad at home." Also, I kind of don't want to text people. I'm very aware that it takes energy away from me. Why spend energy on distraction? I have no music on today. No podcasts are blaring into my skull during cooking, or cleaning, or taking a walk. My mind gets to relax. Filling every empty moment with voices, whether it be radio, youtube, or podcasts, is actually stupid because the mind doesn't get the downtime that it needs. I think silence is very overrated. My goal is to learn to love it, and it's already happening. I still love the EK book. There was a story in it that very much reminded me of my own situation: a woman who hated the old, moldy, beat up, smelly, broken car she drove. Hated it every day. But stubbornly refused to get it cleaned or fixed, and always found reasons to not get a new one right now. She did the process on it, and it helped her. She realised she secretly loves feeling trapped, and being connected to poverty, and feeling limited and victimized. She allowed that to come into the light and be there. Then it transformed and she very quickly manifested a new car that actually smelt good. It's scary how right this book is for me. I'm surrounded by objects that make me feel poor and trapped. A very, very ugly closet that is basically a sagged upside down tent. I hate it every time I look at it, and yet I haven't changed it. That's just one example. Once, I had a big black box that was almost as tall as me and wrapped in garbage plastic, and took up a huge space. It contained moving boxes. But I found out I could not afford to move, so I didn't need them. I let the black box stand there and remind me of my failure, for SIX MONTHS. Six months I kept bumping into it and feeling ashamed. If that's not sadomasochistic, I don't know anymore! Apparently I enjoy shame. I also never shop for clothes. My jacket is missing buttons. My shoes have holes. Many shirts have holes, too. There's many I wear but don't like. It makes me feel ashamed. But at the same time, there must be something I secretly love about surrounding myself with ugly brokenness, or I would fix those things quickly one by one. Perhaps on some level I enjoy the feeling of poverty and powerlessness. Let's find out!

I have seen a hand-filmed video of a guy who starts playing with his dick on an airplane, and kinda confidently and playfully looking over to a woman across. Only empty seats between them so he can get away with it. It ends with her coming over to suck his dick. I was incredulous, but it didn't look staged to me. He had two videos of such encounters. I think it's possible but just extremely high-risk. If it's not appreciated, you're in trouble because it's definitely illegal. And also potentially traumatizing harassment. So if it's even real, then the person will either be very turned on, or very upset. All in all not recommendable. Regarding the naked pickup guy: I envy his confidence. It's obviously real and I would not have expected this to go so well. I think I could get away with it.

With honesty. "I wanted to kiss you in the car, but I couldn't, because your face froze completely and it freaked me out. What's up with that?" By the way, why do you feel embarrassed? That indicates that a deeper issue got triggered in you as well. Can you shed some light on that?

You didn't ask any question so I don't know if you want a response or not. It would be good for the girl if you told her what weirded you out. She probably has no idea. It's like when someone has bad breath: it's awkward, but they should know, so they can change it. Apart from that: the freeze reaction and how it seems to not register in her awareness give me a suspicion that she has been sexually abused. Or at least started being coerced into being sexually active way before she was ready, perhaps dating an older boyfriend when she was 13. But who knows. Maybe she's just awkward.

I removed 'Conquer all of my fears and have full unshakeable control of myself at all times' from my goal list, because honestly, that sounds kinda stupid to me now, and added: 'Learn to enjoy silence and appreciate lack of stimulation'. Yes. That's what I need.

I planned out my next 10 days and feel a whole lot better.

I'm happy to not have to make this choice, and have this pressure put on me to find the right person before the age of 40-something, and otherwise the option to have that experience is gone... No thank you, I like my life better without that kind of pressure Besides, the experience of creating life is pretty intense for the man as well, if he's present at birth. So I could still have the experience that people describe as more meaningful than their best psychedelic trip (but comparable). It's not the same as having life grow inside you though. That's a very special and unique experience I will never have, and have never craved or thought about having.

Why did you make this a 'men vs women' thing? There's no need for generalizations like that. There's plenty of women with great personalities who don't do this shit, but you don't notice them. Also there's plenty of men who start fights when they are not feeling good internally, so that's also not great. Also your words exhibit a very poor understanding of women, so perhaps your goal should be to understand rather than to vent.

Recently I've spent time in the arms of several women I like, but don't love. It's getting a bit old. Is there something wrong with having sex with someone whose company you enjoy, but whom you don't see as a partner? The old flowboy would scream 'NO'. This flowboy still says no, but not as loudly. I can't escape the intuition that there's something dirty or even sinister about it, that I don't have the conceptual framework for to understand. Like it messes with my aura, or it creates an energy pattern that clouds clarity. I really lack the conceptual framework here, this just sounds like gibberish. But this is what I feel: I feel like I want to keep myself pure for the right person. WHAT. That's seriously weird. Have I turned into a Disney princess overnight? I guess I better start picking out a gown for the ball that my prince will come to invite me to any day now. I decided to illustrate my confusion. Of course there is nothing wrong with this way of thinking. But I never experienced it before. And so I always thought that people who thought like that were old fashioned, and I also thought they were missing out. It may or may not last, or even make sense to me tomorrow. It feels like one of those moments where I get to peek around the corner to a more evolved paradigm, which I do not yet have a full grasp of, but it's close. Or it could be interpreted as a stage Blue backlash. I was kinda born into Green so it's not likely. But possible. A less extreme, more nuanced version of the same sentiment would be: I only want to mix my energy with people who it feels intuitively right with in that moment. And when I'm not sure that it's right, yet or anymore, I want to not do it anymore, rather than going through with it for the physical enjoyment. I have been carrying a belief that sex is simply a net positive, regardless of how meaningful it is. Which is understandable. Sex is fun, enjoyable, and it always seems to leave both parties in a good mood. But it's not a very nuanced belief. I think it's not serving me anymore. So if there's many 'right person's, I'm open to that too. I leave that up to the Universe. I just want to be more discerning and pay more attention to whether it still feels right. And... maybe not multiple ongoing involvements that are vaguely defined. Rather one at a time whom I really like. Well, who knows. Maybe this is a breakthrough, maybe it's just a reaction to a bad experience I had last year.

Enjoyed the silence today, after days of mindless video watching and other distracting behavior, I finally turned off the videos, the podcasts and even the music. The ego backlash is not over yet, but the end is in sight. I seem to have a lot less self-hatred over it. And I think that that is going to help avoid or shorten this situation in the future. I ate a bit of processed food today, and then I made a salad that was a total health bomb. I can feel good about that without needing the extreme. The extreme being: flawless eating behavior 24/7. To fully emerge from this backlash however, I need to plan a month in advance. A plan of attack is what normally makes me feel strong and in control. So that's what I will do. Today. Existential Kink Last week I walked my friend to his car and we talked about my life. Even though I don't let myself complain, I felt I should be honest and admit that I feel a lot of friction with my current life situation. My apartment's too small, my furniture is too old, my finances are too tight. But all those have been choices: I had a job that I could have taken which would have paid me a lot more, but I declined in the end, because it was full time. I consciously chose discomfort so that I would have more time and also motivation to get my business going. And also the desire for a better lifestyle is something I invented. I could put the same energy in learning how to live cheap and love it. But I choose not to. So I mused: This pain is related to a dissatisfaction that I chose. I can alleviate it, but I choose not to and instead to have it propel me forward. So I should probably learn to enjoy it more. Then, a couple days later, I saw Existential Kink mentioned on this forum somewhere, and I instantly bought it. Clearly, this found me at the right time. I received the book today, read the first 15 pages and it really resonates. It says that whatever unwanted pattern you keep repeating, or whichever situation you hate but keep ending up in, is actually something you subconsciously get off on. The writer asserts that you have some of the same kinks that God has. God loves to play puppet shows with itself that have love, romance, beauty, but also war and rape and atrocities in them. Similarly, it is asserted that humans subconsciously love the darkness they attract into their life, as much as they consciously love the light. I was familiar with the idea that whenever there is a pattern, there must be some reward tied to it, but I saw that as a minor reward. This book states that actually, it's your kink. You totally love it. Subconsciously. And that if you bring that enjoyment into the light and become aware of it, you can rapidly integrate the shadow. As humans, our whole selves are always reflections of the divine totality ("As above, so below; as within, so without"). We are microscopic reflections of the total holy macrocosm, and as such, we are each innately curious about and desirous for the full spectrum of potential experience, both the painful and the pleasurable, the evil and the good, the ugly and the beautiful. - Carolyn Elliott That's pretty cool. And it resonates with how I've experienced my life. In my teens and early twenties, I've entered into relationships that I knew would have to end within a year, for example. And the breakup was painful, and there was a lot of drinking, smoking and crying. And yet, the drama of it also gave me a strange sense of fullness. That is just one example. With people in dysfunctional relationships, it's pretty obvious and easy to point at them and say: "On a subconscious level, they enjoy this drama, or they would not have it." It's almost a cliché. But now this book challenges me to apply this idea rigorously to everything in my life that I don't like, and discover what I secretly love about it. I will post here what I learn.

@flume I wouldn't count on it... last night I had an ominous dream about a demonic flaming goldfish. I haven't looked up what that symbolises, but I bet I will find out! See you guys on the other side...

@Megan Alecia I think you're confusing it with the appeal to authority fallacy: That's something you would use in a debate to prove a point. If I appealed to Leo's authority, I would say that apples don't exist because Leo said they don't, for example. However, I'm not trying to prove anything, I'm just stating the fact that when someone builds a website, it's theirs and that means they can run it how they please. So if you say "you can't just lock threads", well that's false, for above reason. I hope that cleared it up.

Firstly, you can't do shit to change someone. So even if your conclusion is going to be "my partner should have a purpose" (as defined by you), that just means you have to break up with him. The way you describe your interactions, there is no way you can talk him into it. Could he talk you into slowing down with your self-actualization, and chilling more? If he felt like you should read less books and play more playstation with him, would you adapt to his wishes? Probably not. So it's not fair to expect him to change. When I started eating healthy, I started thinking that people around me should be eating healthy. When I started a business, I started thinking my peers are stupid for working a 9-5. When I started planning my days working towards my goals, I started judging other people for not having goals. And so on. This is a trap. It actually comes from the shadow that you create when you try to change yourself. Until I'm done with that part of my transformation, I am still fighting myself sometimes. I still have impulses to "chill" and "waste time" and I suppress and judge those impulses. As long as I have to do that, I will also do it to others. Only when I feel fully secure and trust myself to eat healthy, without having to whip myself at all, can I relent, and with that, also the harsh judgment of others will relent. So be aware of this effect. If you think it's something like that, it's only in the mind, and I would try to let it go. Because it's about you, not about him. If you are truly not meant to be together anymore, the way you know is not by a mental reasoning like this. You would feel that you are not attracted to him anymore. So let go of these thoughts, and trust your heart, to tell you whenever it might really be time to move on. Until then, indeed these thoughts are a distraction. If you continue focusing on your own development, and you show the fruits of it by transforming into a different person, with new qualities like improved understanding and empathy, there's a good chance that you may inspire him to catch up with you. You can inspire people to want to reach your level, by becoming a great person. Through your actions, not your words. If you read complicated topics and try to talk about them to him, you're just paying lipservice to self-development. It will likely make him feel like you're bullying him, and making him feel stupid, by forcing topics onto him that he doesn't care about and then judging him for it. This is just an ego game. If you on the other hand actually integrate what you learn, you won't need to talk about it: he will see the transformation in you. Continue your own work, show him who you've become, and watch what happens Maybe you'll drift apart, maybe he'll catch up!

@joshuahuebner Alright well I'd be curious how that goes for you, so keep us posted if you feel like it

@joshuahuebner You can easily fix this by stopping to ejaculate for awhile. Very quickly will you see the point of sex again! Not just that, but the way you connect with her will be deeper and you will enjoy it more. Try it for a month and see for yourself! You will probably want to ignore this advice, because ejaculation feels good and you're attached to it so was/am I. Nonetheless, you won't regret trying it. It does mean you have to take sex slower, and perhaps take some breaks to ensure that you don't go past your point of no return. But this makes it a better (and longer) experience for both anyway! I can recommend this resource, which I have used myself: https://21daychallenge.com/

Actually, he can do what he wants on his own website and doesn't need to answer to you. We are all guests here. I agree that an explanation would have been helpful Although now that I read it, it probably had something to do with the childish ego games being played, don't you think?

@Striving for more If you're fine on green tea, it's not the tea. Chai tea is actually a mix of a huge number of semi-random spices, so check the ingredient list: any of those things you might be allergic to.

He has a video about the supplements he takes.

Look into Primal Therapy. I've had really good results with it. I can recommend a good one. If you can heal your relationship with your parents in a way that is healthy for you and respectful of your values and boundaries, then great. If it's not possible, then there is still a way to achieve the same healing. Is your plan good? Some amendments I would suggest: do number 2 first, because how will you heal a previously dysfunctional relationship without healthy boundaries? That sounds like a trap. And don't worry about getting laid. By which I mean: don't hold firmly in your mind that you will, or that you won't. Just don't hold yourself back when you feel like talking to a person, that's all you have to do. Along the journey of inner work, you will attract women here and there who are compatible with your level of development. And then you will outgrow them. But they will teach you lessons.

Trying my new schedule. 10 hours at the job, then a short break to eat and plan my next day, then another 4 hours left to work on my business! I don't have to use all of that time. I'm not being that strict. But sticking to the schedule leaves me room to make progress every day that I can feel good about. I'm happy with how I rearranged it. Today I'm only going to use some of the time after dinner for my job, though. Because I slacked off way too much ?