flowboy

IF + steaks - so hungry, so motivated (so relentless, so Thanos, so inevitable) Didn't eat until 12.00 - resulted in feeling super sharp and motivated (and hungry). Very relentless again in team meeting with PO. Feels good. Then I had an organic steak and some eggs. And another one. It's just what I was craving. Functioned like a beast. It's so clear that I know the steps to having a good day. And if I do those steps, I am productive and happy. If I don't, I barely get anything done, am stressed, and upset with myself. Why it took me so long to get back in my groove, is a mystery to me. It seems 'nice' to allow myself to slack off, and following a schedule seems hard. But actually, it is what makes me feel good during a work day and feel happy with how I spent my time. What was so hard about this? Perhaps it is part of some natural process to temporarily forget all the things that worked so well, and after that re-commit even stronger, having seen the alternative. Perhaps this is necessary to cement the importance of discipline into my mind. I'm going to go with that Did an hour and 10 minutes of Wim Hof breath this morning...yum! Didn't want to stop, it felt so good. Having healthy lungs is awesome. Will take better care of them from now on. Supplements to cope with caffeine withdrawal I'm trying out Rhodiola Rosea today. So far, I like it. It's very subtle, but definitely helps me focus enough to do programming, even with a brain that is still missing its caffeine fix. I've also bought Astragalus. That works well too, perhaps even better. I like experimenting with natural remedies anyway, and this is a good opportunity to reduce my suffering and make quitting caffeine more fun.

This is my results since 1 February 2021. Finally got the courage to fill in 3 weeks of missing data into my habit tracker. Some unforeseen events that affected the results: a trip abroad, then a broken laptop and ego backlash. Recreating this data gave me substantial anxiety and self-judgment. But facing reality is better than denying it and starting over again. It's embarassing, but this is what it is. At least now I can keep going without feeling guilty about not being up to date. It's a lot of weight off my shoulders. Tomorrow I will start fresh. All these habits are here because I have experimented and found that they help my well-being and improve my quality of life. Not to torture me. I'm not into that. I'm sure I will start feeling a lot better and more stable once I start doing these things again. I know some people who don't need trackers and schedules, because they naturally do what is good for them. Good for them. I am not those people. I need trackers and schedules. Some Positives To Cheer Myself Up With I literally haven't ejaculated this month at all. 26/01 was the last time. I have kept up with cold showers and Wim Hof breathing for most of the days, even during the backlash Haven't smoked in over 3 days and I feel really done with it. Contemplated that on LSD last night. My lungs felt just as dry as the bark of the tree that I was hugging.

It would never. Equally stimulating, perhaps? I have that problem too. I find that silence works really well. (Turning off all videos, music and podcasts for a day or 2). First it's uncomfortable, but then it becomes really nice and re-orients you to what you actually care about.

Sounds hot

Whoever taught you that that's all it is, was lying to you... probably without knowing it. It's a very dangerous thing, to explain important and meaningful experiences away, using science words to put distance between you and what is meaningful to you... And to what end? So that you'll follow the rules and stay in school? Make parents and society happy? Deny yourself the truly meaningful experiences of life? At some point this becomes untenable. I know that to you I sound like a nutcase, that's unavoidable. I can assure you I'm not, and it's great here on the other side of the pale With some life experience (love, psychedelics, transformative experiences) you may find out for yourself!

Yes sir. It's funny how the thoughts you share seem to be so close to what I am currently having to learn/embody.

So true. Thank you for sharing! However, what to you is just mental masturbation, could be a good reminder for others when shared.

Because it makes you overthink and worry and create questions in your mind that have no basis in real life, and subtly engage your victim energy. It is what makes people come on here and ask: "OMG is it true that women XYZ??" (insert overgeneralization that makes you feel subtly victimized) @Hardkill Pay close attention to how the content you consume makes you feel, and you will get a sense for what is toxic and what is not. Does it make you feel peaceful? Loving? Excited? Well, then if you read/watch more of that, then your life will be more exciting and loving and peaceful. Does what you watch / read make you feel worried? Anxious? Like a victim? Then the more you watch it, the more your life will be about those feelings. What you give attention, grows stronger. You have to let go of the idea that "But if it's true, I have to know. Regardless of how it makes me feel." That is a trap and an illusion. There is no one truth that can be expressed in words, anyway. All truths that can be expressed in words, are relative truths, which means there are infinite versions and perspectives on it. Your responsibility is to choose wisely which version you engage with. Because it will define how you feel daily, and shape your life. Don't underestimate this.

while according to the intersexual expert, Rollo Tomassi, men So after all these discussions, you are still listening to toxic RedPill shit. You just can't help yourself, can you

It was still there the next day! Right on my doorstep. Thank you for reminding me that I am lucky, and about to be even luckier. I feel loved. Now I need to bring you back to safety before you get crushed by someone's footstep. I kept telling it "I love you", while carrying it a couple blocks over and finding a nice plant for it to chill on. Now let's do the work needed to receive.

Just realized this is the first "slip" or backlash where I didn't spill any semen. Or be drawn to masturbate using porn at all. It freaks a part of me out: I used to like this! Is that part of me dead? So I looked at some porn. There is still some curiosity there. My thought process is basically: "Yeah, I bet that would be nice to do. Those people probably had fun. Nice for them." But the mental gymnastics required to imagine myself in the position of the actor, remove the actor, convince myself that it is real, let it turn me on... ugh. It feels like an unnatural trick. Nice looking pussy, sure. Well-shaped ass. I could work with that. If it were here. But it's not here. And because it's not here, I don't really care about it. - To be clear, this is probably not some sort of irreversible epiphany where I have seen the light and am changed forever. I'm pretty sure I could retrain myself to like porn again in a couple hours if I tried. But let's not. - And don't get me wrong, I am wayy horny. Automatically detecting level of fertility by looking at movement pattern of women I see in the corner of my eye. Walking past someone in a supermarket isle and suddenly feeling a strong masculine energy field eminating from myself, while being acutely aware that I could throw her around and rock her world. Feeling dangerous, in a benevolent way. All that jazz

@Chance Cunningham Thank you for sharing this. I enjoyed it and found it quite profound. I teared up a little when I read what you said about how people you love make it worth living. And being able to kiss the woman you love. And walking in nature, and petting your dog. That those would be the parts of life that are worth coming back to this imperfect dream for. I really felt that. You mentioned being back in a life where not everything you do makes you happy. Did you feel like making changes after this happened? Another question: would you be willing to try 5-meo-DMT and see if it takes you back to a similar place? It would be quite valuable to know how the two compare. Would the psychedelic induced state feel fake to you now that you've been to the actual place it imitates? Or do they lead to the same place? I think many people on here would be dying to know. No pun intended.

Coming back to silence. When I'm running away from something, I can't stand silence. When I enjoy it, it's the end of running. Ego backlash is coming to the natural end as I predicted. Just needed to calm down. I teared up a little several times today. I have the feeling that some things are clicking into place. Old fixations are being dissolved. I can bury my awake mind into youtube videos and stimulants all I want, it doesn't stop the learning. My subconscious mind is upgrading its system. There's nothing I have to do. For the past year or maybe even two years, I have been drifting away from valuing mind-stuff and towards valuing heart stuff. I can't say it more eloquently. It's only intensifying.

Remember A Success That's easy. Last Thursday, during a work meeting, I spoke up about a much needed fundamental design change that we wanted. We being the developers. The product owner, product manager and UX guy need to be in favor of it too, though. And it was the same situation that happens over and over in my life: everyone around me says they really want it, they assume that the people in power won't want it, and so they remain passive. I hear this and handle it differently. When the right people are in the room I bring it up. Convincingly. Well-argumented. Tying it in to their own values. And my whole team gets its way. This has happened more times than I can count now. I guess I have some talent for that, even though I wouldn't know what to call it. Same thing happened this week with a request we got to manually delete a bunch of records from a production database. It was the third time for a request like this. Our lead dev said privately that he's not comfortable with these requests at all, because doing such things manually there's a big risk of making a mistake, and on a production database mistakes cause multi million euro customers to get upset and potentially leave. So I thought: "Let's not have that, then." And during the refinement meeting, I proposed that we don't do this at all, instead we create a tool to do it safely, which we can use again, so that we don't run the risk of human error every time this request comes in. Yes, it's a bit more work, but they themselves said they value data security and can't risk mistakes, right? The PO agreed and that's what we're doing. It seems common sense, but apparently I have the ability to speak up and get things done where others wouldn't. That's one of my core strengths. I'm proud of that. Something I'm Grateful For I'm grateful for being able to afford and easily get really healthy food. I'm grateful for my support system of friends. I'm grateful for getting a raise, and my boss sending me a new laptop. I'm grateful for my parents being healthy and reinventing themselves. I'm grateful for ladybugs coming to greet me. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No, but that's because I'm allowing myself to take it very slow today. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I quit smoking officially, using the app. Apart from that... I didn't. Ask again later.

Found another ladybug hanging out at my doorstep

Hi, I'm dealing with this too. Mostly forum and messaging apps on phone, but also youtube. When I decide to stop doing it, I feel so much better. However, I still want to check sometimes, so cold turkey is not a good option. I do also find it corresponds to some kind of dissatisfaction/unrest. Getting a quick dopamine hit here and there, over and over again. One thing that has helped me before, and I will go back to soon: have the first half of my day committed to NO notifications. So I'd only check stuff after 16:00. That way I get a lot done, feeling very peaceful, for most of my day, before the attention pollution starts. Looking forward to affording an assistant to do all the phone stuff for me, though

Great share!

Great share!

All this is projection. There's no way to tell what an animal is experiencing based on what you see it do. It might have infinitely more complex thoughts than us. If it did, it might decide in its infinite wisdom to behave exactly like its body tells it to, without inhibition or judgment. Just like we are trying to achieve by being present to the moment and loving what is. Or it might not even experience time linearly, but perhaps know every moment of their life from the start already. We just can't tell. In the same way we can't tell what another human is experiencing. We like to look at facial expressions, listen to mouth noises and create a mental model of what is going on in the other's subjective experience. We agree on mouth noises to be associated with other mouth noises, in a big network of meaning that all points back to your own subjective experience when you learnt that word. So that we can pretend to understand the other person, but we don't. There is no way.

I tried telling my mental health provider to quit watching porn, but it's just not as satisfying as doing it on here. Sorry

@Javfly33 What size companies are you applying to? I applied for my first job (no experience, no degree, no portfolio) at a small, sort of old-fashioned company that could not afford to hire experienced devs. There I got the experience to be able to move on after 1-2 years. Perhaps you can try that.

@AuthenticSelf I totally accept that you have awakened to your true nature as infinite consciousness. But you still seem to believe that enlightenment would make someone's life easier. It doesn't do that directly. Rather, it enables one to love and enjoy the struggle and hardship more. It's a beautiful game Disclaimer: I am not enlightened

"But I should be grounded, centered and calm all the time!" No I shouldn't. What am I, the perfect Superior Man? Yawn. "I shouldn't let love and women affect me like this" Sure I should! The ups and downs make me feel alive, and I enjoy them both. "I should be further along in my journey and be rid of all my addictions for good already!" Heck no I shouldn't. Not as long as I still enjoy revisiting them. I will just get more opportunities to practice centering myself and getting back up on my feet. Until I get so profoundly bored of them that I will just stay there.

It's been a tough week. My laptop being broken meant that I don't have access to my schedules, plans, routines and lists. I built a system to support myself, and it comprises schedules in OneNote that require a big screen to view properly, many links to more detailed routines to help me keep up with maintenance and get a nice overview of my life, as well as some Google Sheets that I use frequently. All of that is very hard to use on a smartphone. Possible, but time-consuming and finger cramping. My system being out of order caused me to (I used as an excuse to) not slide nicely back into my usual high-functioning ways. As is common for me after a trip, in most cases anyway, I must admit. This time the technology failed me, which made it easier to slip. The excitement and uncertainty of whatever just happened in my dating life just compounded that drift towards chaos. Waves of strong emotions. Using some of my favorite drugs. Even though I'm not treating my body in the optimal way, and doing some questionable things like alcohol and smoking, I'm still aware that I love myself and this will pass soon. Part of me is paying attention to not go too far. I still eat healthy food. I still take my vitamins. I don't get drunk. I don't stay up late if I can help it. I just have a lot of vices playing up right now, and I am treating it as a conscious ego backlash. I don't like it, but it's okay. Wherever I am, that is okay. I still love myself and want the best for me.

@vander Oh yes... Just a few months ago I met this girl with a perfect list of qualities: passionate about her work, double PhD, entrepreneur, gymnast, poledancing, caring friend, great in bed... Apparently I ticked off her list too. Took us a real while to admit that there was no spark at all