flowboy

Fasting until 14:30 today. I really like being fasted. It makes me sharp, energetic, and aggressive. Especially the surge of energy is what I appreciate. I usually get hunger pangs a couple times before ketosis kicks in. Then I feel great. Very alert, clear and intense. I find that ginger tea with a little magnesium and curcumin helps. My hands and whole body are tingling and buzzing with energy. Feeling a bit similar to after I do Wim Hof breathing. Which I still do every morning. Will post habit tracker progress soon. Honestly, for work I'm going to have to tone it down a little. ("It's nonsense. This solution is just wrong. It's BULLSHIT!") Extremely disagreeable. But it's a trait I value anyways. It's not the same as being in a bad mood because I'm hungry. I feel great. The bad mood thing is for sugar addicts. The only catch is that there's a lot of physical energy as well. A small workout helps. Did a tabata of sit-ups.

1 "tablespoon" (retarded metric, supposedly 5 grams) of cocoa powder contains 11 - 20 mg of caffeine. Let's go with the worst case. A 100 gram chocolate bar of 85% purity then has 85 grams of cocoa. Which then has 85 / 5 * 20 = 340 mg of caffeine. Which is like 3 cups of coffee Yeah, no surprise they don't advertise that I've been eating half of these daily, sometimes even most of it. Guess I wasn't fully caffeine free yet, even though I wasn't having any coffee or tea. I'll keep it to one tiny square a day then ? Like some kind of civilised person

Spam incoming 3...2...1...

@Farnaby That's probably where the work is, for you. By not fully accepting that it may be over, you are paradoxically attracting that outcome, with your fear. So work on that fear. I'll give you this exercise, a powerful fear buster: 1. If the relationship ended, what would be the first 20 actions you would take? List them all here. Number 1 till 20. 2. In 2 years' time, where would you be in that case? How would your life purpose be doing? How would your living situation be? How would you be doing on relationships and passion? 3. Compare that situation to your current one. ?

If you are showing up this way, then that's good. Make sure you are happy with your life independent of her. Do the emotionally hard thing. If you are, then relax and let the chips fall where they may. Either the passion comes back, or she's not the right woman for you anymore. Accept and be at peace with either outcome

Do or do not, there is no try. Been there? Many times. Truth is though, you need to be able to sustain the effort for longer than 10 days if you're going to be successful. Try 30 days without porn, you'll calm down. Or maybe you are just not ready. Or maybe you don't really want this. And that's okay too. In any case, recognize that people's opinions on things are self-serving and biased. Regular porn users will tell you that it's healthy and necessary. Coffee drinkers will tell you about the antioxidants, not about the accelerated aging and anxiety. Crack smokers will tell you that crack helps you get shit done.

Wouldn't you rather be in a relationship with passion? Possibly with someone else who you are more passionate about? What do you want, passion-wise? Some people really don't want passion. That can work, but only if their partner also doesn't want it. Most people, knowingly or not, do want it. Which type are you? And she?

IMO, this is almost over. She will break up with you in a couple weeks to a couple months, depending on how decisive or impulsive she is. That's where you are, so wake up. I've been in a similar situation (the repeating pattern that she didn't want sex and I was reactive to it and got very needy) and I was able to fix it that time and restore the passion, at least for 8 more months. I could only come up with that fix because I had read the book I referenced. It saved my ass there. So there may be a possibility to recover, but only if you are willing to take action and radically change course. What they are, depends on the specifics of the problems you say you have been neglecting. (In my case, I fixed it by finding a new hobby that connected to my purpose which made me less dependent on her approval, and more centered and grounded) Then again, maybe it's for the best that it's over. Maybe she can't be what she needs to be to make this work. Maybe you can't be what is needed to make this work. That is totally fine too! Trust in that, if that's the case. It will enable you both to reflect and grow a lot, and get you out of complacency to learn some lessons that you are not willing or ready to learn while in the comfort of this relationship. A breakup merely means a growth spurt and more happiness down the line, don't you forget that ?

@Phyllis Wagner Yeah, if you're not "right in the head", regular-people-advice will not work. Is that a surprise to you?

I remember you posted about the same thing a couple months ago. But apparently it worsened - your sex life is suffering now. I'm sorry to hear that. It's very hard for her to feel sexually open and relaxed with you, if she can feel that not being sexual with you, will trigger you and cause you to withdraw in order to "work on yourself". Withdrawing is one of the worst things you can do to the feminine. Are you sexually attracted to you? This seems important. Wanna expand on that? Since your relationship is really in crisis from what I read here, it's time to look where you don't want to look. You don't get many of these warnings man. It's possible that it's objectively better for you guys to part ways. You said that 3-5 months ago, that that was your strategy - but that is coping, not transforming. And since then it's become critically worse because she's losing sexual attraction. So clearly that strategy doesn't work, even though it's the most comfortable. Have you read The Way Of The Superior Man? If not, do. If yes, give it a re-read. How's your purpose doing? ?

I could NOT get to sleep last night because I was too happy. Tried everything: 30 minutes of yoga to exhaust myself (didn't work), an overdose of ashwaganda, hops tea, listening to boring talks while eating foods that normally make me tired... All to no avail. Today, I am substantially sleep deprived, but still getting things done like a champ. I rated my performance at 95% today. Love is a strange drug

You've earned a new badge: Wet Dream Wet dreams are your body's natural way of getting rid of old sperm. It's indeed been over a month since I last came. After 30 days they usually come back. Achievement unlocked. I feel like a horny teenager again.

Less Anxiety, Better Planning Just planned my next month. I feel like I've really leveled up. I effortlessly sort items from various lists by importance in my mind. This would have given me a major panic, or at least taken me several stressful days, even 6 months ago. There's missed items left over on my google calendar that I gotta collect, then some stuff from my 2020 planner, then there's my Important-Non-Urgent list, then my Urgent list, and then there's 2 current projects I'm working on, namely cleaning up my files and of course working on my business. How to sort through all that? I effortlessly just decided: per day where I have about 4 hours, one business item and one other item. Simple. Elegant. Then: first the leftover stuff from calendar (only 2 things), then the urgent list, then the rest. Sorted the rest using my google sheets system. Already pre-estimated. Only needed to put it on a date and mark it as planned. The whole thing was done in 45 minutes! Also I've learnt to never plan ahead more than a month, because of exponentially increasing randomness and unpredictable entropy. Why am I suddenly able to do this? I'm less perfectionistic: so what if some things don't get planned in the most precise priority order. What matters is being decisive. I'm no longer super anxious to miss anything I trust my brain to do the work for me, instead of having to compulsively think everything through logically. Part of this is of course practice and repetition. But I also have used specific affirmations for these fears, and I think they worked

I, too, fucked some resistance in the ass yesterday (and made a first video ) It was hot

I'll forever remember this evening ...

Uploaded First YouTube Video! I DID IT... I made an effort to finally share value with the world. Even if it is just a tiny bit. And the sound is pretty crappy because I filmed it with a potato and edited it using a banana... But still. I just wanted to get through it. Push through the resistance. Literally nothing was hard about it except pushing through the immense resistance that said "I'm not that kind of person!" I got the impulse to do this and worked out the idea already about 2 weeks ago. Wrote down what I wanted to say. Tried to get the whole thing finished in one evening, but that seemed a bit ambitious. After that, momentum was killed and I spent some time here and there learning my lines...but man, that resistance monster grew legs and arms in the mean time. I feel victorious. I've broken through a significant mental barrier. This calls for celebration

This is excellent. Very insightful and nicely written. Also, the metaphors turned me on a little.

EK session 3 Topic: poverty / (perceived) lack of money Thinking of things I can't currently buy or do. Can't rent that more expensive apartment. Can't buy the best computer. Can't, can't can't... hmmm. I say out loud "yess...constrain me..." it is indeed a perverted pleasure. Subtle, but real.

You can't fully self-actualize until you've made banana-oatmeal-egg pancakes and wrapped them around frozen blueberries. It's only a matter of time before Leo makes a video on this. It's like an orgasm in your mouth. You want God to cum in your mouth? This is the way.

Just did what I had been dreading for weeks: clean up my Facebook profile so that I can use it for marketing, and make my first "value post". In my mind this was a huge insurmountable task. Write content that is supposed to be valuable to my market? Share it where all my old friends can see? Me? It took less than an hour in reality. Most of which was deleting pictures. I already had my first article prepared in october of 2020 But actually posting it, would be admitting that now I am a business person trying to get business. Don't you hate those. Those people are the worst

EK session 2 Topic: poverty / (perceived) lack of money I may have found something this time. Started thinking of situations where my mind says: "Oh my, I can't even buy that/afford a new this!" and where I feel really constrained and powerless. My kundalini started acting up. Spine starts to shake. "CAN't buy this, CAN't buy that", on every CAN'T, the pleasure increases. It becomes erotic and I play with my cock while repeating those situations. CAN't, can't, CAN't. Constrained and powerless, it makes sense. Never knew I was kinky in that way though. I'm still not sure that I'm doing this right. But I will keep practicing.

The brain has sensors to create subjectivity. Not because without your senses there'd be nothing, but because there would be everything. They are selectors.

EK session 1 Topic: poverty / (perceived) lack of money I visualise the stress I feel when looking at my bank account and thinking: there should be at least twice as much in there! The moment I am asked to make a donation, and I make a very small one, because I perceive myself to need a lot more quickly. The moment my salary negotiations stalled, because they were not willing to pay me what I needed to be comfortable. The limitation of getting the same amount every month, barely enough to save 500. How impatient that idea makes me. The knot in my stomach when I realise that I have to be careful with expenses. It's a tight feeling on the outside of my belly and also my solar plexis. And some tightness in chest. Having is evidence of wanting. I repeat some sentences in my mind. "I need more money" "I don't need more money" "I absolutely will not tolerate having any more than this amount" Something seems to loosen up. The tightness relents and some subtle waves of pleasure are able to travel up and down my spine. So far, not overwhelming, but I need more practice. I also don't know if this is the right topic. And I need to finish reading the book.

LSD Last Monday I and a friend decided to take half a tab of 1P-LSD. I'm not going to make it into a trip report, because the dose was too light for me to have a deep experience. It mostly felt extremely sexual, with those typical blissful tingles caressing the inside of the body, each culminating in a tremor. Pretty soon I was in the awkward position of wanting to take my clothes off and rub oil all over myself, but having to hold back because D. was there. D. did have a "reality shattering" trip (her words) however. I was surprised to find that out afterwards, because she kept talking to me like she was sober throughout. Playing chess with the cats was fun though. Thoughts Here's some thoughts I wrote down during and after. DON'T PANIC No panic about what you do or don't do. Just live in a way that something happens every day. Progress built into the day. But relaxed. Rushing is completely unnecessary. ... Why am I treating this life like I borrowed it from somebody else, and am about to give it back? Why not treat it like it matters! With the utmost care and respect. [Editor's note: I do take good care of things I borrow] I'm not taking my life and time seriously enough. I can't mope around and procrastinate. I can't sit around on uncomfortable furniture and complain about it. This is my life. And I need to take it seriously. Now. Even if it's difficult. Even if it's so difficult, that I threaten to suffocate and it damn near breaks me. Even if it kills me! I need to do what I find important. And treat every moment like it matters, because it does. ... I need to get rid of my drawer of comforts. And my baggage and my story. I feel a strong desire to get rid of all the stuff I can possibly get rid of. Strip away all of my old self. My entire old identity was the first stage of a rocket, to burn away and be pushed off for the new one to be propelled forward, in equal action opposite reaction. ... I wish you could know how much I want to be with you right now. ... Why am I still wearing clothes? We all know what's coming next. Dreams The dreams after the trip were wild. Here's some fragments I remember. I'm in a threeway relationship. This has been going on for a while, and it feels completely normal. I'm in bed with the guy and the girl. At the moment, the guy is having sex with me. The girl is chilling while he is on top and fucks me. After he comes, the three of us cuddle and talk. The guy mentions casually that he doesn't like the scent of the powdered deodorant I wear (made from sandalwood and a bunch of spices). I notice that he didn't say so before. It's what I smell like. He hid the fact that he didn't like it until after he had sex with me. I feel betrayed and subtly used. I think about it and decide that I have to leave, because I've been manipulated. I get my clothes and walk out the door. ... I'm at the foot of a tall dark grey building. Me and a group of people are letting balloons fly over the top of it. They naturally drift upwards, and carry buckets of rainbow paint. The paint is dripping out of it via a rope. We are painting rainbowy vertical lines on the building using the paint balloons. It's dark out, but the paint shines bright on the grey building. Living Alone vs In a Community Some more thoughts I wrote later: My problems come from isolation and thinking I have to do everything without people. Find a living community. Have my own space but also people. Playing drums = being considerate of each other and communicating. Not isolating. My acid self is right: I tend to think I have to do everything alone, and need to be isolated from people most of the time, so that I can get things done my way. It's true in a sense, but can also be a trap. I should pay attention to that. Having a roommate sounds like a nightmare to me, and still does. But that's because I assume that the roommate will want to drink alcohol a lot, play loud music and invite people over all the time. Or at least watch TV and eat unhealthy. That kind of influence makes it harder to live the way I want, I know from experience. But I'm not seeing the other side of this: what if I lived with people who had similar ambitions and lifestyle? What if I lived with a bunch of motivated entrepreneurs, for example. We could all learn from each other. And if one is not having a good day, the others would give him some of their energy. I truly believe that this would be the end of procrastination. Actually, the end of motivation problems for most people, would be to live with others with similar ambitions. So many of society's common mental problems are due to isolation. But isolation is still better than living with people who drag you down. I just failed to realise until now that the people you live with can also drag you up. It's so obvious. Perhaps I should really do that. Go live with a couple of guys who have good habits and are also starting businesses. Could be really awesome.