flowboy

Insight of the day: addiction is not a people problem. People are just much better at manufacturing addictive substances than other animals. I don't see orangutans make chocolate muffins! Let alone cook meth. Our addiction problems would be over if the world would just stop manufacturing addictive foods and drugs. This is deeper than it seems on the surface. Addiction is commonly thought of as a "character flaw", and when we can't stop eating chocolate, we think there's something wrong with US. It's okay to blame the chocolate a bit too! And the people, for making it.

Sounds like you would benefit by having this conversation with her instead. Communication is key?

That's the beginner paradigm. Next step: no goals! Once you are secure in your bed skills, you don't need to prove it every time. This enables you to be more present and *actually* go with the flow. I bet she'll like it much better that way too.

This does not constitute a field report. Sack up and go out into the real world, talk to people face to face ffs.

Great! Keep posting. Taking action is infinitely better than the endless mental masturbation and excuse finding that goes on here a lot. And people need to hear about it, too. Did you actually speak to someone already?

You just know ? It never does. Someone always dies or breaks up in the end. The idea of a happy ending clearly becomes untenable in this light. Focus on your quality of life now. Do you feel inspired to continue with this person or not?

If she wanted to cum over and over again, she would have. Notice how you need her to cum again for your sake, not for her sake. This is backwards.

I'm so glad that I am taking a bit of time to prepare my website before letting a bunch of new clients in. Every day I am inspired to add a little puzzle piece to my coaching program. It usually follows my own overcoming of some obstacle. Or just an insight sparked by something I read or hear. What I am piecing together here is quite a unique take on ADD and how to alchemize it. I believe it cuts right to the core, and at the same time goes more meta than most others care to look. It includes perspectives that I could only have gained by being on a significant personal development & healing journey myself. It's also about much more than ADD; I also will include my perspective on addiction and how to quit things, which is quite unique and counterintuitive I've noticed. I feel excited to assemble it and test it.

I'm an ADD coach who has ADD. Many good things have been named already. @intotheblack I'd like to ask you this though: which things are your thoughts drifting off to, when trying to listen? Would you be able to make a list of that, and provide it here? It is often telling.

Sometimes you just need a good purge. My whole system is clogged. I feel like I am dragging several car tires behind me as I walk, tied to my feet with strings. Yes, it's still possible to walk. And to anyone who asks why the hell am I dragging these car tires behind me, I defend them tooth and nail. I have a great, flawless speech prepared, ready for anyone who questions my ways, explaining how it is indeed a bit harder to walk with car tires behind you, but for me there is no other way, because X, Y and Z. So my life is just supposed to be this hard, and also other people are basically irresponsible for not dragging car tires behind them as they walk. They definitely are missing out on some opportunities there.

Guess you have something to work on during your break then!

That's fine. Bite off as much as you can chew, but not more. It's good to find your edge of discomfort and live there, growing at a rate that doesn't make you crumble. You need breaks to integrate, too. You'll be motivated to take it further as long as you have a sex drive, so nothing to worry about there.

@StarStruck Also try holding a silence every now and then, with eye contact, so that she feels the need to say something and contribute to the conversation. Stories/routines like this are great, but they have to 'deserve' them by also contributing to the conversation, promising to keep the secret for you, et cetera. Sounds like you're doing fine bro, just keep going. Reward yourself for good process instead of good results

Bro why don't you just tell them this. Girls love that shit. Lead into it by asking: "Do you believe in X?" "Can you keep a secret?" Or something like that. Then she will challenge you to read her mind. You'll venture a guess, and no matter if it's correct or not, she'll be entertained and attracted, and more likely to not ghost you. Provided you have some self humor about it too and allow her to be skeptical or find it funny. Now you have an authentic story or 'routine' you can say to get people's interest. This is excellent. You have to try this. Basically any mind reading / cold reading game are great for initial interactions and making it fun. And anything with the word 'energies' in it is basically a hack to have a passionate conversation with a girl you just met.

Cool. So now we need symbols, hand gestures, a catchy name, and a place to do occult experiments

Agreed. Wanna start a secret body switching society?

Who's talking about permission? Just give people a heads-up and help them save days of their time. I just think that the gender being pursued could use some more consideration for the pursuing gender. And vice versa of course.

Totally fine, but if she had simply said that with one message, OP would not have spent the energy of wondering about it for days after and making this topic. Clarity is more respectful of people's time and energy. I get that most chicks don't evolve the skill of proper communication because they are getting spoiled and overwhelmed with attention, and also men are dangerous and unpredictable, but that doesn't mean it's not rude. I've known many women who have very clearly stated that they did not intend to meet up, or have no intentions of dating more seriously, or had met someone they were serious with so they had no other room for dating in their life. It stings but it doesn't leave me hanging and therefore I get to move on quicker.

Nono, no entitlement to their continued time and energy. If someone decides against putting in more energy, they can just tell me quickly, so that I can also stop putting in energy as quickly as possible. If they don't say anything, now I am left to wonder for 3 days. Stranger being too lazy to send one message essentially wasted my mental energy for 3-4 days. It's inconsiderate. I do think that if you can say yes to a potential date and giving your number, then you should also be ready to say no when you change your mind.

That's a bit of a strawman. It's not "not the nicest", just plain rude. I appreciate it much more when people just say "you know what, changed my mind brah" instead of nothing and you're left to wonder. If you've structurally got too many engagements going on to keep up with, isn't it a sign to learn to say no and prioritize a bit better? Saying this knowing full well that most girls are like this out of practical necessity. But if I had a choice, I would always choose clarity over cowardice, I find it a less infuriating experience. There's still a girl roaming this planet who I feel still owes me a proper breakup message. She just stopped talking one day after being on many dates with me, and I resent her for it still when I think about it. I understand however that guys are scary and unpredictable when you hurt their feelings. So I get it too

SO CLUTTERED My task and project list is so cluttered that I could almost vomit because of the need to purge it. I feel ashamed because having coached people on this shit, I feel like I need to be able to rise above this. Sometimes I feel like such a bullshitter. And/or that the value I attempt to provide is fake. Definitely if I can't even help myself with it. I'm talking this shit through with a buddy tomorrow. I need a witness to the pain of me purging my attachments to timewasters. Another reason I feel like a fraud: MY ATTENTION IS TERRIBLE LATELY Watching videos and at the same time checking my messenger apps on my phone? And the forum? While looking up the next podcast and mindlessly checking my email? It's like I'm trying to ruin my brain. I also haven't meditated in weeks. Honestly I feel sad and a bit powerless right now.

@StarStruck I get it and I've been there, man. I have been super anxious over what to text countless times. Been too nice. Anxiously watching reactions. Heck, sometimes I still do. You don't have to get there all at once. I'm 28 now. After some years you'll have enough experiences that tell you that that nice guy shit just won't work, and you will also start to understand why. And you learn that being assertive is actually the easiest way to be. Just suggest whatever you would like! The more certain you are about what you want, the happier she'll be. Win-win! You get to do whatever you want to do on a date, and she gets a confident guy that she can follow. On a date, you are the leader. It's nice to be led, and have someone take responsibility for the evening/day. That's what she is looking for. It doesn't mean that everything has to go right, or that your plan has to be good. As long as you can keep the mood light and laugh everything off and adjust, you're doing fine. Give yourself some time. Also, communicating more assertively will feel weird at first, but you'll get used to it and it will benefit you greatly. Just make it a practice to sometimes try out a suggestion literally, however unnatural it feels in the beginning. The anxiety will go away in time. Just don't fall into the trap of thinking something is "just not my style", that's how people keep themselves stuck. Copy what works from other people, get that down, then after that pick your own style,

In the category of patterns-I-wish-I-would-outgrow-already: Make a to-do list of 12 things instead of 3-4 Instead of making a reasonable plan, cram it all in one day against my better judgment Feel pressure and resistance for tomorrow Instead of going to bed early, finish something random until 3am Instead of hearing the alarm, get up at 10 Instead of cutting down my tasks for the day to a reasonable size, drink a lot of caffeine and think that I have unlimited time as long as I have unlimited dopamine in my brain Waste time on youtube and walk around distracted, because I hate my day plan Eat chocolate muffins and drink more coffee, because "I need the energy to do all these impossible things" Still pretend that I am going to do EVERYTHING on the list, even if it takes me all night Maintain this delusion until 10PM. Then magically wake up from this self-deception and realise that I have done 3 out of 12 things, wasted a bunch of time, eaten and drunk a bunch of crappy things, and now need to fucking go to bed Repeat God, what the fuck. I had my shit together, then I let it slip. Why? Something's got to give. The thing is, the more pressure I put on myself to finish too many things in one day, the worse I become at prioritising. The stress of it basically blinds me to my real priorities. I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen again. I promised solemnly that I would not let all my precious time get eaten up by these STUPID MISCELLANEOUS TASKS that I make up for myself. And I will fucking stick to it. Tomorrow, I am deleting everything that is in my way. All the shit that I thought I could "also do". Well, it's gone. All that matters is getting that fucking website finally done, and planning my next visit to my lovely girlfriend. The rest is unimportant shit and I am so mad right now at the unimportant shit clogging up my time. Argh! So frustrated! Gotta be even more ruthless. Will report tomorrow on all the shit that I deleted.

Very good. Every person has had a different life, is looking at the world through their own limited paradigm colored by their previous experience. So some will perceive you as a great guy, some will perceive you as a loser, and everything in between. You'll never be everybody's cup of tea, and you shouldn't try. Better to turn most people off and turn only some people on, because those will be truly attracted, and you won't have to pretend anything.

@StarStruck Yes, good! You need to lose that innocence anyway. Make sure you don't get bitter though, that is very important! Don't become a redpill loser. It's okay to be angry for a bit when a girl fucks you over, but try to be compassionate and not take it personally. Girls are cold to you, in the same way that we are cold to them. How, you may ask? Well, to a girl, your attractiveness is not constant, but always changing. She may think you are cool at first, then you say or do something which makes you come off needy, and suddenly you are unattractive. It's the same as if she were suddenly to grow a beard and become obese. You'd be cold to her too, and cancel the date for sure. I know it's a hard thing to wrap your mind around, but your attractiveness to her is not constant. Which is a good thing in a way, because you can always center yourself, fix your attitude and become attractive again. But if you just met someone, you are both just not that invested yet, so any sort of maybe becomes a no. It doesn't reflect personally on you, just on the particular behavior that you displayed and the impression she got from that due to her projections and subjective life experience thus far. In this case, she was never that interested. It was a 'meh' from the beginning, it seems. Not her fault, not your fault, just not a great spark. A great initial interaction is what increases the chances of a girl showing up. She has to be excited. And she gets excited when she actually had fun meeting you. Then there is the issue of her manners and your boundaries. You gotta have some standards for what behavior you will accept. If you don't like it when she doesn't reply after you set a date, then screw this one. Why still worry about whether you are coming off needy? If she's not treating you right, and you are still considering spending your precious time on her, then you aren't treating yourself right. And so she will feel your lack of self-worth and also not treat you right. See how that works? Just keep going, don't worry PS. Park date is fine, just be a bit more cocky about it. You don't need to ask her how she is first, that's boring nice guy shit and will turn her off. Just get to the point. Have a plan, and make her contribute something. If you want to do a picnic, tell her to bring strawberries and refuse to say why. If you want to have her over for dinner, have her bring desert. If you are just doing a walk in the park date, have her get you a cappucino and wait for you at X location. See how you can make it more interesting? Remember, you don't need to be doing anything fancy, but you do need to lead her. No leading = no sex. So stop asking if she wants to take a walk, that's already too weak. Tell her. Let's take a walk. Important difference! If you can't communicate in an assertive way, she's never going to let you fuck her anyway, trust me on that.