flowboy

And I know people who have had a lot of benefit from his sessions

It's more nuanced than "you have to talk a lot" or "you have to let her talk a lot". You have to be willing to carry the conversation if she doesn't have a lot to say (yet). You should not be talking over her or not listening to what she has to say. Be interested in what she has to say and really listen and respond to it. It's really good to leave some pauses and let her fill them, inviting her to contribute to the conversation, and making her feel invested. But if nothing comes up, take responsibility for the conversation, carry it, and lead it. Also don't be afraid to cut her off and change topic when you feel like that would be in both of your best interests. Otherwise she might end up talking about some very boring topic, feel bored and then blame you for letting the conversation become boring. So dare to lead it when needed. You are responsible for the whole of the interaction, not just your part.

@kras She's telling you exactly what she needs and how to resolve it. She doesn't feel like she knows you yet. Just spending more dates together will not solve that, unless you open up. What are you withholding from her that you are unconsciously trying to hide while on a date with her? Something you don't like about yourself, things you don't want to see, things you don't want her to see? Impressions you like to keep up of being a cool guy with no problems who has it all figured out? Just guessing. She's detecting something. It's up to you to find out what. You'll probably have to spill a bit more, open up about some embarassing stuff. A little will go a long way. Present it in a self-accepting way, not as a problem to solve. This is why self-acceptance is important. If you accept yourself, you can share your struggles with people without making them feel like the burden is on them to make you feel better. Cause that would kill attraction. Also don't spill it all at once. It's an exchange: she wants to know everything about you, you want to get to know her entire body. So if you want to go to second base with her, you have to give her some juicy personal stories that help her get to know you. But then pair that with making another move on her, escalating physically. If you give her everything and she already feels like she's got you completely figured out before you've had sex, you are game over and she now doesn't feel a need to fuck you to understand you. So it's a balance and a game to be enjoyed. But if you get the feedback 'I don't know you yet', probably you are being too withholding. However if you are being authentic and open, it could just be incompatibility. You haven't shown her attributes that are totally doing it for her. Could be due to how she was raised, and also just personal preference. You have to be the judge of which one it is.

@Preety_India Couple loose ideas here: Soy milk is easily replacable with almond milk or any other nut milk Cutting out sugar should be fine after a few days of weakness. Especially with enough fruit and maybe a little honey. This might be an opportunity to explore and integrate your casual sex shadow Let me explain. I think it's great that you now have the self respect and self esteem necessary to hold off on sex until you feel respected. I want to congratulate you on that. At the same time, a woman can decide to have casual sex in an empowered way, where she decides when to do it, who with, and that she may not want any contact after. She can be in control the entire time, taking care of her needs and desires, and respecting herself all the way through. These things can exist in harmony, even though they seem paradoxical. I understand that you have (inherited?) many judgments around that, and I'm not suggesting to change your beliefs. Just perhaps explore the other side, the 'forbidden' thing, enough to loosen up on some of the judgments and integrate the shadow a bit. You don't have to make it a new lifestyle. Only if you feel ready. I wish you health and serenity and hope that whatever you choose works out for you.

Strive to not drink it two days in a row. If you drink it multiple days in a row, it starts to change the brain and make it harder for you to feel energetic and focused without it. It's also not great for the stomach lining and digestion, and these are important for health. It's also not great for quality of deep sleep, which can cause accelerated aging. I wouldn't worry about it if you drink it as a treat 2 or 3 times a week. Don't make it a habit. I say this as I'm in day 3 (or 4?) of relapsing into drinking it every day. I sure don't feel great? This advice is not always easy to stick to. Starbucks uses terrible quality beans, they even taste like fungus to me. Can't you just order a green tea or a chai latte? Much healthier, if all you care about is having something. Only you can say. I've seen people describe how it helps them with meditation. Other people say it hurts their meditation and they had to stop, on behalf of their spiritual growth. As with everything, don't blindly go off "facts", but pay attention to how it feels in your body and trust that.

@Valach Good question. A structural lack of sleep is not sustainable. I know about the general newbie pickup advice of "go out 4 nights a week for the first X months" Yes but you still have to sleep 8 hours. So either go out until 22:30 and then go home, and only make it later on the weekends, or change jobs so that you can stay out later. Better get some good blackout curtains too, so you can sleep until 11am. Structural sleep deprivation is associated with Alzheimers and cancer, so really it's worth the hassle to restructure your life.

That's worth making a separate topic.

And I can say this with confidence because I recently was in the situation of being next to an already half naked woman, ready to have a threesome with me, both super horny under the influence of mescaline, and I didn't do it because STILL in those circumstances I was able to reason that I love my girlfriend and it would probably mess things up/complicate things at least, and that's not what I wanted. So there is really no valid excuse of "I'm a man, I can't help it". You're a man so you can't help wanting it. That much is true. But you sure can help doing it. Of course I expect the same level of integrity from my partner.

You just patted yourself on the back for being untrustworthy, and you rationalize that at least the majority of men are even less trustworthy, so a woman should still be lucky to have you instead? How could a woman feel safe with you in a relationship if that is your attitude? A fully grown, evolved man can control his impulses when needed. Otherwise he is independable, a slave to his nature and ultimately no different from an ape. @Clems If you have a great quality relationship with a developed man who is truly committed to you, he will have no interest in ruining that for some 10 minutes of pleasure. Don't let videos and posts like this mislead you and ruin your faith in the right guy for you. Stay far away from people with this attitude of excuse making, it's just a victim mindset to cover up neediness and lack of development. But make no mistake: finding this guy is only possible if you do the hard self-development work to become a great woman. And I'm not talking about looks. We guys can always find another girl with good looks. Great personality is not so easy to replace. To even be compatible with a guy with integrity, you have to have integrity.

I feel the same. It's fun but it would just take time and energy away from what is important. Better have one quality relationship and do that one right. Perhaps it fits into a phase of life where you don't want to work on anything seriously. Taking an extended break from hard work. Or if you're a writer and want to get experiences to write about.

Beginner perspective: Yes you should have kissed her. You were not feeling it in that moment, so you should have kissed her anyway and watched it become awkward, either immediately or down the line, so that you learn the lesson to only do things when it feels right. Advanced perspective: No you should not have kissed her. Only do these things in moments when it feels right. That does not mean that you take a passive stance. You can take action to clear out the obstacles that are in the way of you feeling right about it. One of the obstacles could be the fear of creating conflict with your housemate. @WaveInTheOcean's advice applies here. Find out what you need to know, to be able to feel into it with clarity.

Perhaps my silly business ideas are actually the most aligned. I am saving the silly ideas for later, because they would be the most fun, but I don't expect them to make money. But I DON'T KNOW... The sillyness does feel very authentic and close to my true self. Perhaps other people would appreciate it and a silly idea would actually blow up. I haven't been courageous enough to bet on a silly idea and be associated with it.

@Cepzeu I don't bet, but if I did: my money is on that when you tell her what you want, she'll be so happy that you finally did. I think she secretly wants to be in a committed relationship, but doesn't want to be the one to initiate it because she has some judgments or fears around it. Perhaps she fears that you'll leave her if she tries to get commitment from you. Perhaps her parents had a bad relationship in some way that makes her wary of traditional relationships. Perhaps something else entirely. But my guess is she'll be happy. Let me know if this is true.

@flume

@SamC Good work! Do you feel that you are further along than where you started? I especially recommend: - Daily affirmation: "I love the man that I have been, I love the man that I am, and I love the man that I am becoming" - Primal therapy, especially in a 7 day retreat form (pujalepp.com helped me, livingtruthnow.com helped one of my friends) - LSD trips are great if done responsibly - Visioning your future self that you want to grow into, and taking courageous steps towards it that you can be proud of The things you have already been doing sound great, so keep doing what works. You'll have to hammer at it from different angles. You don't have to hold off on relationships until you are 'fixed', just be careful not to fall too deep into codependence and keep doing the work.

No it's not. You're just watching, reading and listening to the wrong media, cut those out. Never take in information that makes you feel negative, unless it's about something you have direct control over.

@SamC What have you actually tried? No amount of talking or thinking will enable you to break through a lack of self-love. It requires action. Examples of this: Primal therapy or different kinds of therapy that integrate the inner child and childhood experiences Psychedelics, LSD is a good one Shamanic breathing Doing things that you are scared of but deep down feel you should be doing Meditations like love-and-kindness meditation Reiki Implementing habits to better take care of yourself Practicing positive self-talk and affirmations So let us know what you've tried, and we can come up with suggestions.

@Actualizer777 I've had an open relationship for this exact reason and learnt a lot from it in a year. It's possible but not trivial. Feel free to ask me anything, in PM or on here. Some considerations: Have you pictured your girlfriend having sex with other guys? How does that make you feel? If she does, she's going to want to talk to you about it. How much do you want to know? What if the other guy has bigger muscles, a bigger penis, or more money than you? Would you still be fine with it? What will be the rules of this engagement? You definitely need some rules, because without them she won't feel supported and bonded like you are still together, when she is with another, and the relationship will start to fall apart. Don't have too many or too strict rules either, because those will invite unnecessary conflict. Sleeping over, okay or no? Have dates come over to her/your place, yes or no? Exes okay, yes or no? Texting with your dates while spending time with each other, yes or no? Sex only, or emotional intimacy allowed? Most women need to build up some level of connection before they can enjoy sex. Once and done, or can you stay in contact with your dates and meet multiple times? Is it okay to keep talking to them indefinitely? Can you veto the date of your partner? Do you have to meet your partner's date before they can sleep together? Do you have to tell your dates about your relationship before anything happens? Do you have to ask your partner permission before anything happens? What if you don't like her date, or vice versa? How will you make sure you still spend enough time with each other? Are you allowed to cancel plans with each other in favor of a date? Do you have to tell your partner about what happened with someone else, and if so, in how much detail? Or will it be 'don't ask, don't tell'? Date people you both know, yes or no? Meet the person that your partner is dating, yes or no? Use a condom always? Even with oral sex? What about cunnilingus? To minimize fallout, make sure to have the rules of engagement defined unambiguously and thoroughly. What is and is not okay. Write it down (trust me). Make sure it's not so complicated that it becomes hard to stick to and easy to trip up. Just the minimum to make both of you feel safe, and think through any possible situation that might come up beforehand. Make sure you are both completely comfortable. Leave room to alter the rules together if it feels right. Prepare to learn some uncomfortable lessons about female sexuality. Agree to go back to closed relationship if either of you wants to. Value trust and being trustworthy above all, don't ever 'wing it' when it comes to what you agreed, and never selfishly cross a boundary in the heat of the moment. Agree to cut off contact with people who don't respect your relationship, and who try to have either one of you for themselves, or mess with your rules in some way.

I understand. However, I strongly advise that you really try to learn to enjoy it. It will be the key to sustaining the state you are trying to achieve with nofap. And to undoing the porn programming. Not having sex is simply unsustainable. Tantric sex is sustainable and awesome once you get the hang of it. If you do go that route, feel free to ask me anything if you encounter difficulties

Trust that feeling. Whether you do or not, you will drift apart anyway. Then he's not ready to, and you can't save him in any way. Nothing you can do to change people who are not ready to and directly asking for your help. A life lesson we all learn at some point. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. It's even a bit misguided, although well-intentioned. Who are you to decide for someone else what's best for them? He is currently choosing to stay in this dysfunctional way of being, and that is perfectly appropriate for him at this point in his journey. You are uncomfortable with it, so you must move on.

Sounds like you're in a great mindset to meet new people and make new friends. When I went through something like that, I just started doing new activities I felt drawn to, and new friends presented themselves. Since you are a bit more awake now, you'll have a desire for meeting friends who you can share your new interests and thoughts with. You'll find those while joining group activities that you feel align with you since your changes. Do a lot of them and the right ones will present themselves. You don't need to push hard to get to know people. It will be more like magnets in sand: move them reasonably close and they will click. When I went through a similar kind of change, I started exploring new things. For me that was: Improv comedy workshop, found a friend there Tantra workshops, found a whole network of friends there Toastmasters, found a friend there Primal therapy, found a friend there Joined a men's group of a guy from Toastmasters, found friends there So just explore group activities that you feel called to, and it will happen. You don't need to work hard for it if it's right.

I think practicing non-ejaculation / semen retention is a great idea. I do it. However I think it's a mistake to think that you can't have sex. You just need to learn to have sex without working towards ejaculation. It's called tantric sex. I recommend you get into it, perhaps read a book or do a course. Your girl will thank you because it will force you to have sex a lot slower and it can last for hours. So it's great for her. And it may seem unsatisfying for you as a guy, but actually that is not true. Having very slow sex for hours is very satisfying and feels great. Just make sure she's in on it, and agrees to help you not cum, by slowing down whenever you need. Have a great time!

@MatteO22 It's a cliche but I have found it to be true that when you give up the search, it finds you. It being that person who you feel 100% yes about. All relationships and encounters that are not exactly right, are there to prepare you and teach you lessons for when you meet the right one. So they have a place and are useful in this way, to you as well as to the girl. However when saying yes to some date doesn't feel right anymore, you don't need it. It's okay to resolve to be celibate until the right person comes along. The work you do on yourself is what ultimately enables them to come into your life and stay, so that is energy well spent.

So much emotional maturity and wisdom packed in one post. I don't even know where to start? I like this guy.

@NoSelfSelf Your intentions were to help your former self, not to help this guy. This guy actually knows what to do and you just created confusion because you were triggered. Not a fake nice person. If you can't be a real nice person, don't be a mod.