flowboy

Toxic masculinity much?

@Jacob Morres I'm still susceptible to it. Happened to me last year. I was upset with her for good reason. Then she was "offended that I would think that of her" (The classic "How dare you hurt me by telling me how I hurt you") I ended up apologizing too. ?

That's how manipulative women get you. They make you feel guilty for making a fuss about their misbehaving.

@Vzdoh Sounds good, but why are you so in a rush?

It's okay to share how you feel and where you are. Being honest is never a bad idea in a relationship. However, if he says you've only dated for 3 months, and that's crazy fast... then I'd have to say he's right. But maybe he'll agree, who knows You can say it in a way where he doesn't feel obligated. For example, don't forget to say: "But that's just something I'm thinking about, I'd like to know your thoughts, but no rush, if you're not there yet, totally cool". And if he doesn't respond on the spot then maybe he'll think about it and respond later. Do you have something else in your life that you can focus on to distract yourself from this? You will need some patience, and I feel like you're overly eager at the moment.

I've never gotten a guy to move in with me. So I don't have the how-to. But perhaps there's tips or tricks to it that I don't know about. It's probably good to drop some hints, like commenting: "Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to live together", and then see if he says anything, and otherwise just move on with the conversation. Honestly I think you should ask some women, preferably women who actually have moved in with guys. @Emerald @Etherial Cat @mandyjw

It's okay if you are ready for the next step faster than the other person. But it's good to let them catch up. Because now you're 2 steps ahead. Now he doesn't feel like he's winning you over anymore, on the contrary, he feels like he has to put on the brakes.

Three months does really seem very soon. Especially for someone who hasn't said they love you yet. You said it to him, and he responded diplomatically, saying everything but: meaning that that level of commitment is still too much for him. So why try to skip that and push it to the next?

Interesting. Is he the type of person who finds it hard to say no?

You want to move in before you say that you love each other?

And instead of bringing it up with you, she went to someone else. And tries to make it your fault that she's not trustworthy She should have been trustworthy no matter what. If she's not happy because you were doing X, Y and Z, then she had her chance to bring that up, without cheating on you. I had a girl do this to me once. I had to hear it from others that she was sleeping with other guys. She explained it to me that she had no choice, because "I was working long hours and couldn't give her enough attention". I loved her a lot. A couple days later, I packed up all the stuff that I had that was hers, even gifts she gave me, and set them down in front of her door. I rang the door bell and just started walking. Didn't even see her. She got the message though. One of the hardest things I've done. And I should have done it sooner. And I wish I could say I hadn't let people screw with me and disrespect me in relationships ever since, but there's been more moments where I wished in hindsight that I had sent them packing sooner. Don't humiliate yourself. It's only going to hurt more later.

What the hell, man. Is she very neurotic or something? Was someone pressuring her? To restore trust, I would have to get the whole truth out of her, of what the hell was going on inside her and what led up to it. Lot of information is missing here, and you deserve to know the whole story.

If this happened before, get out. If you don't, then you confirm that it was a lie when you said you don't tolerate it. You do tolerate it. You are tolerating it right now, by allowing her to stay with you.

@EnRoute Why are you asking whether you are doing something wrong? What negative feedback did you get?

Honestly, you're probably going to have to break up with her and start over. Learn to respect yourself this time. I know it's hard.

That's beautiful.

Concrete action steps: kick her out of your place, and tell her to come back when she knows what she wants. Demand at least two weeks apart for her to think about things. If she runs back to her ex, then good, then she's not ready and the sooner you know it, the better. Only accept her back, after the cool off period, if she literally begs you. She should be on her knees, apologizing and proving to you that she cut contact with all other fuckboys. No? Then goodbye.

Hey Lubomir, You are very sweet. But this girl needs to grow up and learn to respect you. She should not be hanging out with her ex she still has feelings for. She should have cut him out of her life the moment she started seeing you. That's the respectful thing to do. Instead, she's making excuses for still seeing him, even touching his penis, and asking YOU to understand?? Fuck. That. You are being too nice. You are not in touch with your anger. It seems like you are hoping that if you keep being nice, no trouble will arise. Well, trouble has arisen, my friend. You have just shown her that she can disrespect the relationship and be dishonest and unloyal to you, without you even getting mad. You will just be with her and love her whatever she does, a sweet harmless boy, a soft cushion to land on after some hot secret sex with the ex. This is only going to get worse, unless you find your balls.

@Daphnedenninghoff23 Sounds like for you guys, at this time, it is healthy. You may want to go back to closed at some point, and that should be perfectly fine and guilt-free. If you feel good about it, why second-guess it? The relationship should always come first, though. You should always feel like you are free to put the breaks on the open thing, and just go back to just being together. Without feeling guilty, or like you're depriving him. When a third person's needs have to be considered, that's when it gets real messy. Loyalty should be with each other, and any third person should know that they are not on equal grounds with you, they are a guest and will remain a guest. You can see them out any time. I'm a guy who has a relationship. The idea of having this freedom appeals to me. It would appeal to any guy. That doesn't mean I need it. Calling it a 'need' is a bit strong. Because that makes you wrong for depriving him, if you choose to not want to be open. I think it's more like a fantasy. Or an innate drive. (But not all innate drives have to be satisfied, for example, when I'm angry enough, I have an innate drive to kill someone. But it's not in anyone's best interest if I do that.) Being able to explore it a bit should be a gift, an extra, a cherry on top. Something that goes away immediately when there's more important things to take care of, such as working on your relationship. To summarize: if you feel okay, it is okay. When you feel pressure to keep being okay with it, that's when it becomes a problem.

@Emerald Interesting stuff!

I actually retracted that post, because I realised that in most of the well-working relationships that I know personally, there were some months of the woman simply knowing the guy in some way. However, there's still relationships that start with Tinder and work out really well. Or with a spontaneous approach/meeting and fire at first sight. I can be on board with advising women to not put their hopes into that route working out. Your way is probably better. What's not better, is if you've met someone outside your social circle anyway, and want to still make it work, to then try to be friends for a couple months first. That definitely would be interpreted as a sign of disinterest, or some attachment issue. That's not what you advise, but people might interpret it that way. I don't know, Emerald, you are opening my mind. Maybe you're on to something that I simply never spotted.

@Emerald I still remain a bit skeptical whether that applies to everyone. But the relationships I can think of that are great, I have to admit there was some level of knowing and learning about each other at least for some weeks before the first date. So I don't know. Let's hear from some ladies.

Radical Ideas I'm Playing with Perhaps "wanting to be" anything doesn't work. I wanted to be a high performance individual. Still like the idea, but it just brings me stress whenever I'm not using every minute of time effectively. Shouldn't the high performance come naturally, from an authentic drive to do things, not trying to be like someone else, or adhere to some artificial standard? Perhaps the concept of wasting time is a toxic concept. Time is never wasted. Not because time doesn't exist because there is only now blah blah blah, but because everything you do, consciously and unconsciously, serves a purpose, and thus, is necessary. Whether you are fully aware of it or not. Becoming fully conscious of the purpose of what one might view as wasting time, is the key to transformation.

@flume Anything to add perhaps?

Ehm... what? So many examples I personally know of relationships that worked out great and are still together, that you would have told to "not even go on a 30 minute coffee date"? Please check your extreme statements for projection there. That's my only gripe. Other tips are great! So glad someone is doing this. Thank you. Finding a good quality guy is a real problem, I hear it from friends all the time.