flowboy

I will defend to the death your right to say the uneducated ignorant things you are saying. You certainly have that right.

Yes, I wanted to help you, and I didn't want to do it for free. If you think people should help you with your problems for free, then I am not surprised you've only met shit therapists and shit coaches. You have an entitled attitude and think the best quality help is owed to you, the world should give it to you for free. That's not how it works. I spent entire evenings with clients several days a week, for many months, to get the results they wanted. And they were happy to pay me much more than what I proposed to you. Because what I do works, and it's not for people who make excuses and think they shouldn't have to pay for any services.

The fact that you think that a therapist can "fix" part of a person, an arbitrary part that he judges as something wrong to fix, then either you have met only shit therapists or your understanding of the subject matter is severely lacking. Of course the foot fetish was a detail in the story. The person had an inability to form healthy attachments to other humans, which is why they were in therapy, and the foot thing just came up as a result of regression sessions. No one is suggesting that liking feet is a reason to go to therapy. I have no judgments of your foot fetish, enjoy it! You can not "fix" a part of the person. You start with their feelings, such as shame and guilt for example, and you unravel them, trace them back, again and again and that leads to the undoing of the entire neurosis of the person. Yes, I am annoyed, but not at you, I just took it out on you a bit. It's frustrating to me that the more I learn about trauma and healing, the less I am able to communicate this wisdom, because to the uneducated it just seems wishy-washy or fringe or whatever, while to me, having experienced and applied and been transformed by this knowledge, see link in signature for example, it's perfectly clear, simple and certain how it all works. It just makes crystal clear sense. And yet, I seem to not be able to explain it to anyone who is not already familiar. I believe this to be because of the defense mechanisms that everyone has in place. Basically, the mind defends unconsciously against information that would threaten its ability to keep repressing its massive store of pain. The mind's agenda is to not look where it most needs to look. And it's most effective diversion tactic is to mess with your perceptions, to make profound truths seem like ridiculous platitudes. And so the mind labels it as wishy-washy vague nonsense, just the same as my mind did before I knew anything. It's not your fault, @Something Funny just like it is not the fault of some of our parents that they think psychedelics make you jump off buildings. It's frustrating for the insiders that people on the outside believe that, though. Don't get me wrong. I am not a typical therapist, in fact I am not a therapist by any official standards (yet). And I argue with therapists. Several of my friends are therapists, and even they don't have a deep understanding of how trauma forms the psyche. Because they don't do the deep research, they don't read what I recommend them to read, and they don't have the fascination to understand how people become the way they are. How personalities are formed with all their quirks and flaws. It's not random. It's perfectly elegant and logical, but obfuscated. But all they (typical psychology masters) care about is diagnosing, protocols and prescribing. Tell me what to do with this kind of symptom please. Mind-numbing. Robotic. The opposite of holistic. They don't understand and they don't ask questions. It's all random to them, just like the universe. Random particles. Random big bang. Random everything out of nothing. Random psychological symptoms. And I'm over here, beyond the pale, screaming into a void Perhaps I should write a book. Maybe that will help. Or sell a book list like Leo does. But would people bother to read Janov, Stone, Jenson, Bradshaw, Miller, Freud, Schwartz, just to understand what I am trying to say? I doubt it. I need to get better at biting my tongue and saying too much, is what I need to do.

Not a self-help book, a book describing the anatomy of trauma in the brain and tons of documented case studies and cited scientists. I can recommend you to read up on the science of trauma healing because you're the one talking out of your ass.

In my opinion no, that idea comes from times / developmental stages where people can't think further than "this is the way we do things, all the other tribes are doing it wrong". People in stage blue think their morality is the objective morality, because that's what fits with their stage. And we all have this wired in us, which is why, I think, philosophers try so hard, and fail, to define an objective morality. Which I think is a fool's errand. Yes, and they do. But if they get too crazy, they will be punished or revolted against by their people. Yes, but I wouldn't say entirely based on selfishness. People do have a baked in sense of what feels right and what feels wrong. The more trauma they have, the more that is overridden by selfish impulses. The more trauma they heal, the more they will be in touch with their true sense of right and wrong, which is still relative and unique to the person, and Leo would still say it is selfish, but it is based more on empathetic values. And then yes, the mind will try to make up a coherent ruleset around it. But it will be an illusion. People do what they do based on what they feel they need in the moment, or what they feel is right in the moment.

@Javfly33 Yes, it does. The subconscious also has a way of making you take hits that force you to face some of that pain. I saw your thread about the thing with the girl and smoking, and then you sitting with that and facing it. Respect

More importantly, every subconscious has its own unique reasoning for creating these fetishes, they won’t be the same in everyone, but they will be a symbol, a metaphore for an unmet childhood need, the logic of which can be completely clear to the person after doing some (or a lot) of regression work. And this is the only way to break the spell. Once the pain has become conscious, there is no more need for the symbol.

Also. Low self esteem, inferiority comes from not getting proper attention and care from one or both parents. This is always not remembered as such, because it is repressed. You can only dig it out doing regression work. In those distressed moments of lacking love, this pain is saved up and stored, along with the memories. Inaccessible by the conscious mind in a normal state. As an adult, this pain is pushing the adult to still get this need met, but it can’t be in a direct way because that reminds him too much of NOT being loved as a child. You can’t make up for the past. So the mind creates symbols of love: things that almost work. They quench the subconscious thirst for a time. Those symbols will be based on an association with the original pain, but it will be far-fetched. Intentionally far-fetched because the trauma must be obfuscated. So the one who lacked breastfeeding could become a smoker who can never seem to quit (this is me, I fetishise smoking) because a part of me thinks I’m getting the nurture I needed when I was 8 months by sucking on a cigarette or a pipe. The one who craved his mother’s attention but she ignored or rejected him when he was so little that he could only see her feet, could get a foot fetish. (There can be other backstories as well, the subconscious is creative!) The one who didn’t get firm boundaries and proper masculine love as a child can start to like getting tied up, because that’s the ultimate form of being held firmly and cared for, in a twisted way. And the one whose mother was harsh to him when he needed love, can start to crave love through women being harsh and humiliating with him, because to get actual loving attention would remind the unconscious too much of what he didn’t get when it mattered most: therefore he won’t be able to fully take it in, perhaps be numb to it or compulsively run from it.

There are many, many accounts like that. And I didn’t pull them out of my ass, I pulled them from books about trauma and healing.

@Gabith I think that’s enough philosophising for now. Your thoughts about God and the ego and what you are, they are heavily coloured by depression. And these discussions are not doing anything good, except revealing depression. I remember you from a few years back as a sweet guy, lives with his parents, in a country next to mine, struggling to date girls like everyone else here. But he was optimistic and he was going to make it. I tried helping you a bit but you didn’t want / have the equipment for calls. Then I heard nothing. I’m telling you that I’m quite certain that you need to go back to basics. Spiritual philosophy is not helping in this phase. You need to focus on your mental health: find a nice twice-a-week therapy arrangement, I’m happy to recommend a good one if you’ve got a little extra money to spend, otherwise just take what the government provides for free, and simple aspects of happiness like work you enjoy and positive friends.

@Soulbass The things I named are not going to get banned by the FDA, because they are food. They are more natural than caffeine, you could say. You think the FDA is going to ban essential amino acids? that would be like banning a vitamin.

It's not their fault that you like that. They're just supplying what there is demand for. Yes, fetishes stem from early childhood repressed experiences. Doesn't mean that they are "wrong" or "bad", or even shameful. Read "The New Primal Scream" and you will understand. Example: the guy who had a foot fetish all his life. In primal therapy, being transported to being a small child, sitting under the table, hiding from the adults. His mom wouldn't give him the attention, love or hugs that he desperately needed. All he could see of her was her feet from under the table. The spell was broken after that. This is how it works with fetishes. Once you retrieve the original memory, the spell is broken. Works very similar to hypnotic commands.

Ah sorry, missed that.

@Someone here How about instead of harming your brain and lungs like this, you take action on your desire to start a business? Smoking cigarettes and watching movies is your idea of facing your demons and doing masculine difficult things? You're just indulging in your vices like a teenager, nothing hard or praiseworthy about this. How about you quit smoking and start a business, instead of complaining that you don't know how? Now that would be difficult and masculine.

He would collect people around him who also don’t value money. Perhaps he would be their leader. Or a valuable member of the tribe, contributing in other ways. Being an example, teaching, space holding, entertaining with his art, whatever he does that is valued in his circle. He would be seen as attractive because of his social status relative to his tribe. And women from outside who think he should have more money, their opinion doesn’t matter because they’re not on his radar anyway. Until they feel drawn to him, at which point they would have to drop those ideas in order to get closer.

@BlessedLion True that

@Schizophonia PM me and let's see if what you need is something I can do, or maybe I can refer you to someone

I know how to get people unstuck when they're stuck. You have to find the root of the problem. Do a shadow work routine, see where it comes from, process it. I do this for a living. The reason I didn't recommend that, is that it doesn't matter if he doesn't do things. He's also not going to do the psychological work, unless he decides first to become a person who actually does things. That is it.

I feel you and I've been there. It's nothing I want to shame you for. I'm just making the point that you're asking the wrong question / focusing on the wrong thing. If you had started taking action a year ago, even if you didn't know what to do and it was the wrong action, you'd still be in a better position than now. Having learnt things. Actually learnt things. You don't learn anything from advice you don't actually try out. You don't even remember it, as has been demonstrated. I call BS on that you don't know what to do. In a past thread I've literally told you how you could start a business. Specific to your situation, being in university studying philosophy. Described all the steps to you. Now I could go search and find that thread for you but I won't. You can do that. Let's see if you're able to break through laziness How can you tell me that you don't know what to do? It's simply not true. You just have to do it. Also, if you want serious advice, you should always back it up with describing what action you've already taken. And then ask what the next step is. No one who has any business experience wants to waste their time giving advice to someone who doesn't take action. It's going straight in the bin anyways and you know they'll go back to watching porn and asking the same question over and over again. And also: those people are for the most part not here. You'll get idiot business advice here. Go to thefastlaneforum.com. And if you need accountability: get a mentor or good 1 on 1 coaching. I paid someone 2k a month for 6 months to help me kickstart my business project once. Do you think I'm going to be lazy and procrastinate if I'm bleeding 2000 euros a month? No sir. Learnt a lot and at a fast pace, too.

I don't really mean not judging at all, I mean that I value making judgments carefully and holding them loosely, appreciating nuance and complexity. Things like playing devil's advocate and being open-minded are something many people can't do, especially when it comes to things they're too attached to. People who judge a person instantly without knowing anything, well, I judge those people But not instantly, I judge them because I've observed them be mentally lazy. If I were free of shadow, I probably wouldn't judge them but still not prefer them in my inner cirle.

What's the point of asking for more advice then? You're not going to do anything with it anyways until you fix this.

No sure. I agree that having any negative opinion on a group of people is a strong red flag. Stronger than disliking a public figure. So perhaps that's not the best example, but where do you draw the line then? I've met someone who has strong negative opinions about Musk, and when pressed, it turns out she just makes the "he's rich so he must be bad" argument. She didn't know anything about him. To me that's quite unintelligent, to be judgmental of people without bothering to look into them. I really try to not do that. Even if I've read a lot about some person, I still tell myself: "I haven't met them in person, so I don't know what he's like". This willingness to be completely uninformed yet completely judgmental, that wouldn't bother you? Nonjudgment is a value of mine so it does bother me. This girl would be incompatible with me.

That's nice in theory, but in practice, when you're dating you're selecting a person to get along with. Would you still say this if in @StarStruck's example, the woman had strong opinions about Jews? "No attachment is ever necessary" Okay. Are you in a relationship sir? Are you saying you'd be just fine and non-attached if your partner held really misaligned beliefs? Of course not. In a relationship, you're trying to create something together that is more than 1+1. That only works if your values are compatible. And dating is still shopping for a relationship, even if you're not intending for anything beyond a one-nighter. It's the same selection process.

Sounds like the way to go?

@Someone here About a year ago you were on here making topics about how to start a business, how to get the right business idea, how to make money etc. Some people, me amongst them, gave you some very specific and actionable advice. What have you done with it?