flowboy

By stopping to become "that", and instead become yourself more deeply. Not even a "better / more interesting version of". None of that BS. By being honest and radically truthful about what you want and need, and also being super willing to hear it from her. It's your social circle, so you stop inviting people who misbehave. Network effects. Friends of friends, friends of girl friends. Friends of friends of girl friends. You make connections. Help people meet each other, actively encourage people who you know might click, to get to know each other. They do the same for you. People in your network have a party or some other event, there's 20 more fresh connections. More than you can deal with. It's your social circle so you stop inviting people who misbehave. Simple. You 'control' it by being willing to walk away from ever hanging out with anyone who doesn't act respectful again being willing to walk away from the people who keep wanting to bring those misbehaving people, if it becomes an issue being the one who organizes, so you get to decide who to invite and how to put together a nice group @electroBeam You basically need the assumption of abundance: there will always be more people you will vibe with, so you don't have to put up with anything. Of course if you have a fear of being bullied, this needs to be addressed in some way or it may come out unconsciously: either by you misinterpreting things as bullying, or you bullying people out of fear of being bullied yourself.

And how's that working out for you?

So when does it stop, if both of you have that attitude?

@Parththakkar12 @Preety_India Is this the way you hoped you would spend your time and energy today? Do you actually believe you will argue the other into submission? When you look at yourself, does it usually do you any good to be argued into submission in this way? Assuming you would ever let that happen. Does it make you want to introspect and learn?

If you don't have trust that whatever is, is meant to be, then you can tie yourself into knots like this.

I just assume that I am deluded and whatever I believe will be wrong in some way, and I'm cool with it. It's still useful to me and others, until I discover the next level. So what's the big deal? I don't recall any sort of depression from this, sounds like an issue of taking the mind too seriously.

You guys seem to care a lot about knowing things for sure, being smart, your statements being true. Why? Isn't it enough that they were your best attempt at the moment, and true enough to be useful?

Correlation is not causation. Being married might be tied to maturity and knowing what you want out of life, and going for it. Which causes happiness. Cohabitation is a good option for when people are not mature, don't know what they want out of life, and can't make decisions. Which causes unhappiness. Or, you know, anything else. These statistics are so useless, except for giving journalists something to write about, and giving people something to worry about.

Sounds lonely bro

What is warm game? Do you mean social circle game? What does it mean to master it? Tell us what that looks like.

Not at all man. There is just some healing to do. I didn't have a father that was strong in all the ways I needed him to be. As a consequence, I had a hard time with women. Everything is great now though. Some healing needed to be done. That's why I gave you those tips.

It's not the length of attention span in general. It's how it is being applied. AD(H)D people have a shorter attention span for things that are not interesting to them, and they can focus for multiple days with little sleep on a project that they actually care about. What's typical, is that "practical importance" doesn't influence ability to focus. With "normal" people, their ability to focus goes up when something has practical importance. In AD(H)D people, it does not. That doesn't mean they can't focus on what's important at hand, they can, it just takes a lo-hot more effort that a normie would spend. Having to spend this extra mental effort for everything that is important but not interesting, is why they usually are chronically fatigued to some extent. There is "comorbidity" with food sensitivities and sensitivities to toxins. They have to eat cleaner than a regular person, to be able to use their brain to full capacity. They seem to be more prone to brain fog when they eat the wrong thing. They really shine in work-related situations, when they get to do something creative, that requires synthesizing information from different fields, having a big picture understanding, and can have agency over the way they want to work and do things. You can make them happy by taking care of as much practical admin stuff for them as possible, without making them feel controlled. I know because I coach people like this, but I also am one. It's not a disorder, more like a personality trait or brain type that is unhelpful at the start of the career ladder, when it's all about fitting into a mold and being force-fed information, and becomes more and more helpful as their career advances and others can help them out with admin stuff while they spread their creative wings. They need to get over a rough spot, though.

Ah, well that explains a lot. I feel for you man. Every person needs a healthy masculine influence, as well as a healthy feminine influence. Men learn how to be men from their father. If your dad is a fearful man with insecurities, then it's no wonder that you don't have the tools to handle this situation. I could tell you "just get over it and pick yourself up bro" but that only works if you had a good example of healthy masculinity. Here's some things that could help: Primal therapy (yes, specifically "primal therapy", see if that's available to you. I know a great provider that helped me a lot) Seeking out friendships with guys. Preferably healthy guys who you like, get along with, and want to be(come) like Martial arts training could be an idea.

In a smaller community, it's still good to talk to everyone as much as you like. The difference is that your mindset has to be more geared towards building longer-lasting connections, and valuing the connection with every person you talk to, even if they won't give you sex. In a large city you can just have a throwaway mindset, where every 'set' that doesn't give you an opportunity to have sex, is disposable waste. Also, you need to seek alignment with guys. In a large city, women still want to know whether you are aligned well socially, but they have no way of knowing for sure, at least in the beginning. In a smaller community, it will be very obvious if no other guys like or respect you, and women won't be attracted to that. So don't forget to invest in friendships, and don't try to take people's girlfriends away from them and shit like that.

Smooth If you want to be taken seriously, don't be so dramatic. If that's really true, then your therapy is not working and you should seek a different therapist who can actually help you. Also, seek out the friendship of other men. It sounds like you have a lack of masculine influence in your life. Is that true? What's your relationship with your father like?

That settles it, then. So what is it you want to see happen here? You're not really dating until you've at least met up in real life. So I would do that. It will probably bring you some clarity. If she's not willing to actually make a date with you and show up, even if it were just a friendly meetup, then you know it was never real anyway. General advice: don't emotionally invest so much before you've actually met up with someone.

Haha, my ego loves that you have the perception that I maintain this state. But I'm not going to sit here and pretend that's the case I'm just feeling very good and loved these days, so that enables me to access this perspective. Attaining Every single experience in our lives has contributed to who we are today. But let's pick one thing that I can give you, that may help. One mental habit I have, that I could say has helped tremendously to attain a healthy and more loving perspective, is this: I look for sameness, instead of difference. Everytime something about a person bothers me, someone does something that I think is wrong, evil, mean, or negative in some way: I ask: where am I doing that? Or: Where have I done that? Where have I felt the desire to do that? What could push me to do that? And I always find something. Nothing is too crazy that I can't find it somewhere in myself. Extreme example: consider how evil a murderer is. When I would be really angry, sometimes I would get murderous thoughts. Now I had good parents who loved me and taught me good values. So I know I should not act out in anger like that. Had I had parents who left me alone, or beat me, did not teach me any values, did not love me at all, and/or abused me enough, I have no doubt that I would act on those thoughts. This way, I dissolve the false distinction that my mind creates when I judge someone. The ego wants to say: I'm good, he's bad. She's mean. I would never do that. This is how I'm better. Nonsense. We are all capable of all sorts of evil. And that's okay. Perhaps I have some knowledge and experience that saves me from doing so much evil as some others. But I have no illusion that if I didn't have that experience or knowledge, I wouldn't do the exact same. And that is fine. We are all in the same boat. It's the art of finding a unifying perspective, instead of a dividing one. This technique of constantly drawing connecting lines between something in another person, and something in me, I found really powerful. You could say it's a form of shadow work. But as a life habit. I don't have to take my time to sit down for it. It's just something I automatically do whenever a person really bothers me in some way. Thank you for bringing my attention to this. I was not quite aware that I did this, or that others don't do this. Perhaps I should write it down somewhere. If you want some practice, use Leo's Forgiveness video, it's really good. And where are you doing that Maintaining Raising your vibration is the key to maintaining anything healthy, I would say. Telling myself "I love you" in the mirror is a daily habit I'm experimenting with now. Got that from Matt Kahn. But being in a loving relationship is the major stabilizing factor for me I'd say. And still, I'm not maintaining a high vibrational state every day, nor do I think that's natural. Matt Kahn's video on "raising your vibration" is good stuff.

@StarStruck Stop projecting a moral attitude on me, and actually answer my questions. I feel for you. I've been in a position of being hurt, and I know from that position, any criticism will come across as moralization. I'm not moralizing to you. I just want you to see the actual point, that there is a state of feeling so good about yourself, and feeling so loved, by yourself and others around you, that you naturally don't want to lash out anymore. And that is why not everyone feels the need to lash out. There's no sense in trying to force you to attain that. Or in shaming you. Or telling you that it's bad. Just knowing that it exists, is enough for now. Don't listen to these people judging you, that's not helping you or them. The truth is, when this girl hurt you, and you hurt this girl, you both have the same problem: you don't feel loved and secure enough. She's experiencing a similar level of lack of love, lack of self-love, or traumatization, else she wouldn't feel the impulse to hurt you. That's what you have in common with her.

Is it? Do the people who you look up to, do that? Do the pickup gurus do that? Or are they above it?

This is very accurate, these are your two options. If you want to practice pickup techniques, experiment with different approaches, and teach yourself flashy ways to meet people, like the "hand of God", "the claw", and the kiss opener, well, can't do that here. That would be shitting where you eat. Word will get around that you're that weirdo. If you keep living where you live, all you can do is build up your life and build up your reputation, just by getting to know a lot of people. If you do that well, some girls will come to you and make it very obvious that they are available to you. Those, you can hit on directly. The rest, you should mainly just make friends and network with. If you do cool stuff that people will talk about, like play in a band or organize events, or simply have a wild personality, you'll attract more people and thus more women. But if you use them, and hurt their feelings a lot, you'll get a reputation and social consequences. It's almost like a more natural process, where if you do well within a community, the community will organically assign you some women.

@Gabith Your goodbye message is needy and reactive too. Don't send one. Even spending the energy to do that, shows that you are way too invested in someone way too early. This is where you let yourself react to your own emotions, and choose the worst possible interpretation. I know it's hard, but you've got to learn to control that impulse. It's no representation of what's actually going on, rather a projection from your own insecurity. If you meditate, then that is a typical thought to let fly by without touching it.

She was just waiting for you to take initiative. You assumed too soon that you were rejected. And why? Don't people sometimes take a couple days to answer a text? You shot yourself in the foot with that second message. It's fine to send an "hey it's me great to meet you" or whatever. Some people will respond right away, some other people have a life. If it takes too long, you can follow it up anyway with a time and place. Texting is for organising meetups, not for making conversation.

Yeah you screwed up. Why didn't you listen when I said: "time and place"? Should have texted: "Let's have coffee. Meet me tomorrow 13:00 at the park entrance." After the first text, you could still have done this. That's why I said it. She would have responded. She was still expecting you to take initiative. Instead you vomited neuroticism at her. Your message is about 200 words too long and conveys insecurity and neuroticism. You are just rejecting yourself at this point. No person in their right mind would answer this. She was waiting on you to ask her out. Instead, you weirded her out. And then rejected yourself! Notice how you just rejected yourself here. For what? Just because she didn't respond to your "it was nice to meet you" bullshit? That's not something that warrants a response! You went into auto-rejection for no reason. Try it this way next time and see the difference! (actually: text her a time and place anyway as a practice, and see what happens. What do you have to lose now?)

@Gabith What did you end up texting her?

She made it clear to him that she sees him as nothing: not even a friend. Friend is just the polite word people use. Okay, by track record I mean "past actions". Do you now see how it connects to your previous texts? Don't dredge up the past, especially the negative past. I know you feel like it can help you redeem yourself, but it won't. It will just show her that you are spending an unhealthy amount of energy obsessing over her. Ignore at your own peril.