flowboy

Nightmare I was going to get fired!! For not working hard enough. My manager confronted me with doing nothing and starting too late on my tasks. He showed me screen recordings of my screen, had been watching me for months. I had to beg for a last chance. So funny because I always fear that I'm not working hard, that I'm not contributing enough, et cetera. That's kinda my thing apparently. Even though I'm perfectly able to complete my work, and I contributed something really essential yesterday that no one else in my team is able to do. Still, the ADD shame. I don't have a robotic sheeplike focus like the rest, so I deserve punishment and shame right? Hah. I see shit coming that others don't. I make improvements before others can even conceive of them, in ways that most people can't. Because I don't think linearly, I am the source of breakthroughs.

@Preety_India So that's what was blocking my door! I'll put it inside before it gets wet. Thanks for saving my head

Yes, we love that. It's especially nice if we still get to make the actual plan, but you do all the sweet stuff around it to encourage us

Phew, I'm not out of the game

No, that one was mine!! Did you remember to pick it up for me?

I may have misrepresented a bit how I actually tend to do it. The "let's do X and you can buy me a drink" move is something I employed situationally, with a wink, when I wanted to be a bit cocky and give an emotional spike. And send a signal that I value my own company/time highly. Timed correctly, it often gets a laugh. I end up paying about 2/3 of the times on dates. Usually I pay the first "thing" we do, and often the second, then we start alternating in who takes care of the bill. Again, because otherwise it is interpreted as pressure to put out, and also, we're Dutch and to us that's more fair. I don't split, because that produces a vibe that money is an issue, which is not conducive to sex. But girls will insist on paying at least sometimes, and letting them, is a sign of respect here. Again, because they're eager to show their independence. It's nice to have an atmosphere of abundance, where money is no issue. But we don't like the balance being way skewed towards one person. At least I don't, and most people I've met who are Dutch. We have cultural differences, but where we agree, in my view, is that we don't tolerate the leechy vibe, where our date is trying to get something for free. I'm okay with being generous unless I'm being manipulated into it.

@StarStruck True, but it's not really about the informational content, rather the emotional content. I can talk about IT in a way that is entertaining to girls, people rather, who don't understand the subject at all. Because I talk about how it makes me feel, I express a wide range of emotions in the stories I tell. So following along is like an epic adventure, even if you have no idea what those words mean. It is necessary to not just share your information, but also (most importantly) share your emotional experience. Being stoic is not helpful. The range of emotions you talk about should be a healthy mix of exciting, cool, heart-warming, and some sad, and some scary, et cetera. If you fail to express feelings that are connected to stories, you won't have a lot of successful dates.

Also this way, you avoid the guy feeling screwed over at the end of a date that didn't work out. It's just better (imo).

A lot of this comes down to cultural differences. I'm Dutch. We like to split things. And the women here are eager to prove that they are independent and can take care of themselves. That doesn't mean that I will ask her to pay half of the 14 euros we spent at a cafe. No. That would be cheap. But we do take turns paying for stuff. Letting the woman pay, at least sometimes, is a statement of respect, and a message that you don't see her as an object but as a person. If I go on a date where there is multiple things we do (for example, first ice cream, then coffee, then movie or whatever) and if I try to pay for all of those, the girl will get offended or worried because it looks like I'm trying to buy her like a prostitute. Or she'll feel guilty and insist that she pays for the next thing. It's easy to have a situation where it seems like a certain outcome of the night is expected, because one person is paying for everything. This seems transactional and is to be avoided (where I live), because it makes the women feel cheap and like sexual favors are expected. Much better to let her pay some stuff too, so that she doesn't feel pressure to "put out". That's my experience. Apparently in different regions, there is women who find it really important that the man pays for everything. Personally, that would be a turnoff to me. Because to me, it seems to imply that she's the prize and I have to beg her and be on my knees to please spend more time with me. Either that, or she's a housewife from the fifties. Or she's not grown up yet, and is looking for a new dad. I don't do that shit She gets to hang out with me, which is valuable in and of itself. And there's no "me courting her". I don't do that shit either. It's old-fashioned and yucky. It's an interplay. Sometimes I'm in the lead, sometimes she is. We are both the prize, enjoying the dance of figuring out whether we fit.

Ehm, about the work situation, or your wound? If it's the latter, then you should have provided details of how you came to feel undeserving of a relationship. Is it rooted in childhood? Adolescent experiences? Bullying? Inherited karma? Something else? That's really all that matters. Knowing where it comes from, and healing that. This work colleague is in just as bad a place as you are, or she would not act this way. Her purpose in your life is to remind you that you've got stuff to figure out and heal. Maybe your purpose in her life can be to remind her that she's got stuff to figure out and heal. That's the only good that can come of this. If you actually help her cheat on her husband, it won't lead to anything good. No healthy relationships ever start from such a low place of emotional problems and infidelity. And it would be bad karma, that can come back to bite you. One day when you have a relationship, you could suffer with paranoia that your wife gets seduced by a coworker. Because you did this today. That's how karma can work. And you may have to fight her husband when she regrets it and tells him. Sounds like a lot of downside no upside to me.

YES. Because their life is exciting and satisfying to them. So it provides them with the positive emotions needed to radiate happiness and carefreeness on a date. See? That's why I said: interesting and satisfying to you. Girls care whether you love your life. It's your passion they feed off, not theirs. The fact that you even say their jobs and lives are so bad, is probably reflective of the overly negative glasses you see the world through. I bet they wouldn't say that they have nothing going on and they have a dead end job. It's the negativity that is repelling the women. So find a way to radiate positivity, passion and loving your life. Finding more activities to be passionate about, and more/better friends, and life purpose, is one way. Changing your attitude and loving what you already have going on, is another. You're a hard case so you need a combination of both.

You simply misunderstand what girls want. They want you to have a satisfying life that is interesting and exciting to you, that you can talk about with passion that she can feel. They want you to be happy. That is attractive. Being depressed, dispassionate, no hobbies or interests, just looking for sex, that makes you a low value unattractive guy. No matter what you look like or how much money you have. Sorry to be so blunt. Start exploring new hobbies and activities, and work towards life purpose, until you have built a life that is interesting and satisfying to you. That is the way. So if you do something interesting, then you have something to talk about on your next date

? Come on now. You just asked how to make sure to "get her". Now she's suddenly below your standards? Do you see the raging incongruence there? You can keep shouting that but if you really deeply believed that, you wouldn't have this problem at all. Well, from what you told me, you also have got nothing going on in your life, and ... ...you fail to even talk about fun stuff. So she's 1 - 0 ahead on value there.

Thanks I feel you, but it's a little more nuanced. To understand how to date your own sex, it's not enough to be a member of it. It requires wisdom, maturity and a willingness to take oneself out of the equasion to shift the perspective. The "just give them what they want" gut reaction is coming from a wrong assumption that this perspective shift is not necessary. Bluntly speaking, that having a p*ssy qualifies you to know how to get p*ssy. Which is demonstrably not true. And to be fair, I have a d*ck but I have no clue how to land a good one. I also am inclined to think: "Just do the things that I like", being unaware that that is bad advice that gets you used. I have to ask people like @Emerald for good advice on that. (to give to my female friends, LOL, don't send me your d*cks) I've learnt some things from her. Some women on this thread definitely have demonstrated an ability to analyze it beyond the "what would I like as the girl" perspective. Which is not easy.

Good point as well! Great comparison too.

This is such a well-worded explanation of how to get a good start in the day. It's pretty close to the "no notifications before 4pm" habit I had before. But it needs more nuance, like: breaks are okay, but not for addictive activities, like surfing the internet, scrolling through social media. But reading, napping and walking are okay. Journaling too. And I had a checkmark on my habit tracker to cover these things, but then I made it for the whole day. So I couldn't even watch a video in the evening. I think that was too extreme and I started to miss it. It's probably best for me to start with the lowest dopamine activities early in the day, and save the most addictive ones for later, like 6-8pm. Not too late either, that would interfere with sleep. Perhaps 6-8pm do the social media / messaging thing (I need it for business reasons), then 9pm watch videos if I want to, or a documentary, 10pm read, 1030pm sleep. Time to redesign my day again. Here we go.

The Netherlands!

I think this is key. Being generous is good, and something healthy guys actually have a desire to do (deep down). But not as a response to this behavior. @Preety_India Helpful illustrations, you just made me grab and eat chocolate, thanks a lot

I can empathize (a lot) with wanting to make money and provide doing something that makes you happy, not by selling time to someone else doing something that sucks you dry. How acute is your financial situation right now? I think that's the question that needs to be answered. If you're in debt, or losing money every month and are a few months away from broke, this is a different situation than if you still have 6-10 months worth of expenses in the bank.

Do you think girls can't sense this? The fact that you (think that you) don't have a lot of options, is exactly why they are doing this demanding shit to you They smell weakness. It's very simple. I say: "Let's go here and you can buy me an ice cream" (you have to be able to say that in a normal casual way, and be willing to walk away if she protests. Cause that means she's a low quality person anyway) She says ok. We get the ice cream. I wait for her to pay. She does, because it's already packed into how I worded the date proposal. Super simple In practice, I haven't done this recently because I found that girls just offer to pay by themselves. I guess because I don't radiate desperation anymore. I also don't attract girls who do that shit. But it's a good habit for in the beginning. Don't do it every time that you see the same person. Only the first time, so she knows you're not a sucker. After that you can take turns paying for stuff.

Nothing is better guys-repellent than being demanding. Okay, I think I understand. So because you're still not over the nice guy thing, your interpretation of her being demanding was that it says something about you (i.e. that you're a nice guy). So it triggered an insecurity, and that's what killed the mood. People can feel when insecurities are being triggered in the other. It feels awkward and a little scary/unsafe. The reason she demands these things, is because she's looking to see if you are a doormat that she can use to get stuff, like all the others, or whether you are actually respectable and fuckable. The reason it became uncomfortable, is that you were insecure that she might be right in her hypothesis that you were a doormat that she can use to get stuff. And she was! Cause look what happened You bought her a hamburger out of niceness. While if you had no worries whatsoever that you are not a nice guy, and you felt secure that you wouldn't be easily taken advantage of, it would not have reflected back on you in your mind. It would have just been: a girl being demanding. What do we do with girls being demanding? We laugh at their sillyness. They obviously don't understand yet that they have to invest back, if this is to go anywhere. That's why I marked the "still get her" part bold. If you want to stop being a nice guy, you have to stop wanting to get her no matter what. You should only want to get her if she matches your standards of behavior. So stand there, laugh and wait for her to pay. If this triggers an insecurity in her and she becomes uncomfortable or lets her issues show, then you're not compatible and you should say goodbye. In no way should this be construed as an advice that you shouldn't be generous. You should be generous when you feel like it, to people who deserve it. Being demanding is not behavior of someone who deserves it. Yet. Because if she senses that you in fact don't reward this behavior, she might switch quickly and give you good behavior from now on. That's why it's important to not be overly harsh in your reaction, but calm. Sometimes people have to learn who you are.

Sometimes I LOL at my own insights. "No, you can not take psilocybin to wake up in the morning."

Incorrect, he is planning to stop kratom, as he said multiple times, and now he has. Normal range for women! Like which ones? I see your point, but if we don't know, then it comes down to a personal choice of risk/reward profile. Whether to experiment on oneself or not. Could be good. Could be bad. Could be a mix.

It would be nice if he helped to develop actual empathy for the other sex, rather than merely understanding their survival games. Teal Swan does a good job of this. She's a weirdo, but if you watch her "what women need from men" and "what men need from women" videos, you get a sense of actual empathy and understanding for both sexes that feels warm rather than cold. In a certain sense Leo is explaining well how different sexes play different games, but on a holistic level, men and women really are on the same page. Women want the best for you. They want you to develop into a healthy man. Sometimes, rejecting you is what's best for you in order to become that. It is the feedback that you are missing a healthy balance. Which both of you want for you.

Homemade Ayahuasca. Now there's a ballsy move if I've ever seen one. I also would like to know how to get myself some of that horrifying, panic inducing dread.