flowboy

What kind of Sunday would Erik like to have? Hmm. I think he would like to feel satisfied. Like with a small adventure, such as a hike or a run. He would like to take it really easy, sleep in, have a slow breakfast with some hot chocolate. And he would like to feel serene. I could take care of that for him by cleaning his place for him. And he would like to feel connected. I can set up a couple of calls with friends for him.

Okay, now I feel calmer and kind of okay. Also after talking to a friend. Made myself a hot chocolate. But still, this winter sadness is majorly impacting my ability to be productive. This is the last year that I'm just passively letting that happen again. Next year, I'll go to a warm sunny place.

I'm realising this sense of being lost, far from home, abandoned, hopeless, has followed me throughout my life. It's popped up in all sorts of moments of uncertainty. Or just in winter, when the days get short and they are way too dark. But perhaps it has just been amplified by winter and circumstances. It's always been a companion when I travelled alone. Let's try something different. 3 The disturbance is a profound feeling of being lost, abandoned by parents, forgotten at the supermarket, far from home. It makes me on the verge of crying. It upsets my stomach and causes tension and a contracted sensation in the body. It makes it hard to look around and perceive my environment. The more I sense about my environment, the more sad I get. Retreating inward is my default reaction to mitigate it. It is the feeling of being forgotten on a train as a child, riding to unknown, unfriendly places, and being too frozen to ask anyone for help. It makes me weak in situation where others would be strong. It totally overshadows my confidence. It makes it hard to think and see clearly. 2 Hi, profound feeling of being lost, forgotten, and abandoned. I respect how powerful you are. Why won't you leave me alone? Because you haven't learnt to live without me yet. What does that mean? you know. No, I don't think I do. I think I am much more powerful than how you are making me feel. I don't feel that way. Then how are you feeling? Like no one's listening to me. Ok. Let me listen to you then. What is it you want to express? I feel alone because I was alone. I feel abandoned because I was abandoned. I feel frozen because I was frozen. When were you frozen? Before. I was frozen before .. time started for you. Are you saying you are older than me? Much, much older. Can you tell me how old? Ask me what you really want to know. You're right, I'm sorry. What I really want to know, is: how do I get rid of you? I'm sorry that you want to get rid of me. I'm sorry I hurt you. I hurt by just existing. I am in constant pain. You ignore me in the summer, and then you ignore me harder in the winter. I'm sorry I tried to get rid of you. I just didn't want to feel the way you are feeling. Guess we have that in common. What are you here to help me with? Coping with loss. You have no idea how to cope with loss. You distract yourself. And then when you lose something, you cry one time and then pound yourself on the chest for how emotionally healthy you are. Yikes, I see what you mean. I guess I just don't like being sad. But I do like learning things and then talking about them. I know you do, but sometimes it is time to slow down. Take time for yourself. Feel this. I don't buy it. We do this dance every winter. When are we done? Never. What are you here to tell me? That you can't control anything. If I decide we're not feeling well today, then that's what's up. What would make you happy? Listening. Reading me stories. Warm socks. Cuddling in bed. Sigh. If I give that to you, then can you stop making me feel so bad? I want you to want to. What you did today was nice, but it was a manipulation. You think you can just get rid of me, shut me up, by throwing me a bone. Okay, I think I get it. I want to want to take care of you. But what would help me, is to know who you are? I'm YOU. I'm the you that you left behind when you wanted to be popular and cool. You pushed me away, and I have been tugging at you ever since. 1 I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I want my mommy. I'm not okay on my own. I'm left here in this classroom with mean kids, MEAN kids, I can't go anywhere for help. Teachers won't help, they don't care. I've been sent on this school trip and I feel abandoned. I'm in this foreign place, everything looks unfamiliar and ugly and menacing. Things look evil. I am ancient. I am the ancient abandonment. In this lifetime, in this instant, I am living through betrayal by teachers, being sent to survive before I was ready, with a bunch of mean kids I don't understand, with my parents out of reach. I'm being cornered, bullied and ignored, the girls laugh at me for crying. No one cares about me. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. * crying break * Okay kid. We can go home. I take the kid out of his bed, throw away the energy drinks he had in an attempt to be accepted, and hug him. Then I carry him to the front of the living room, where the girl betrayed his trust by making everyone watch him cry. I give everyone a stern talking to, telling them to look in themselves and raise their hand if they never felt sad and out of place somewhere. And it turns into a lovely conversation, where even the bullies come forward saying they didn't mean it that way. But we still go home. He never wanted this class trip. He would much rather play in the forest, with his buddy. So I take him there. There's trees, a goat, one friend, and just nature and his parents' caravan. Space to play and a space to come home to. That's a real vacation for him.

Separation and Learning Me and my woman decided to separate two days ago. We are not speaking for 4 weeks, and then, on the day of our anniversary, we'll meet again and see where we are. I've had tremendous difficulty with it. Because it's not just a pause, it's an end. It's either the end of a beautiful movie, or the end of season 1 with a cliffhanger. We don't know yet. It was a hard but inescapable decision. We suddenly realised on Sunday that we didn't feel like partners anymore. Every little disagreement or even major fight we had had up to that point, we were able to resolve beautifully, leading to tremendous insight and growth. This was different. We had become too deeply enmeshed, in our efforts to take care of each other, and suddenly there was no more mystery, no more magic. The spell was broken. We realised there was nothing to work out, we just needed to be apart. That evening when we called and made that decision, and we cried and thanked each other for being a part of the most magical love story that we could have asked for, I noticed something. She seemed very together. She spoke thoughtfully, poetically, eminating wisdom and maturity. It's the same qualities that I found so irresistable when I got to know her. The moment I left, they were back. I don't know what that means, and I decided to refrain from overanalyzing. Even of creating a story of "what went wrong". We decided that we will assume that this was supposed to happen, and this is good for us. Even if it hurts. Could it be good for me too? I have moments that I feel like utter shit, I have this pit of anxiety and hopelessness in my stomach, and my entire body is contracted and screaming for warmth. In those moments, I just feel a lack of connection, that can be temporarily medicated with YouTube videos, and temporarily relieved by talking to friends. But then it comes back. If I'm honest, I have always felt like this in December. I call it winter depression. But that label makes it fixed. I practiced giving that sense of connection to myself. Holding my own hand. Hugging myself. Breathing deeply under a hot shower. It does help. When grocery shopping, I thought to myself: "This was so much easier when I had someone I loved, to shop for, to bring all this good stuff home to. Someone to think of when picking out food items, asking myself what would make her really happy" Then I realised: I do have that person. Instead of shopping for medication (sugary yoghurts, desserts, alcohol), I shopped for what would make future me really happy. Some cacao, and a small piece of chocolate. I'm holding my own hand, feeling that sense of connection, and realise I've never done this before. I don't know why I'm feeling like I've been abandoned by a parent. That's for another moment to dissect.

Insights from talking to God Erik keeps worrying about making the right decision for the future. Some future he's clinging to, and idea of what is supposed to be, and what is not supposed to be. Relax. Play. Decisions are only hard because you think you are making them I'm creating exactly everything you need, no more no less Don't mistrust me, don't doubt me, if you want to keep your sanity Just have fun. It's all good, bro. I'm experiencing Erik as a movie, for it to be any fun I have to believe he is real, and identify with him. But I'm doing that. Erik really likes to control things and make up rules and hang on to information that he never needs and make his life hard HAHAHAHAHA

@Gregory1 Thank you for your wise words, they made me feel a bit warmer.

I have one rule though: don't give up on things during the dark months of the year. So I will feel whatever I feel, but not draw conclusions. That's my resolution

I am responsible for doing what can be done from my side to keep the attraction alive. All this time I've been blaming her for being needy and living out her trauma stuff on me, and at no point did I consider politely but firmly leaving to take time for myself. Even though I have felt like I wanted to curl up in a ball and not be touched, for the past two days at least. Sometimes I'm very sweet and giving and caring and comforting. Other times, I feel disgusted by emotionality and I want nothing to do with it. Then I sometimes still try to give, to comfort, but that leads to giving what I don't have. That doesn't feel real to her anyways. And all the while, I'm thinking that I'm scoring points with her. I'm not, and also that is manipulative. I'm pretending to care, thinking that if I just act the part, she'll leave me alone after that and I still get to play Perfect Boyfriend. I'm so scared to be heartless, to be a heartless bastard, a cold psychopath. I'm not those things at all, but I'm also not ready to comfort someone all the time. I must not pretend to be . Who am I being a good boy for, anyway? Mommy? Dad? Feels like dad stuff. He doesn't do the exact same thing, even though maybe he does. But I've seen him be too nice to strangers all day, and then scream at us, or let his emotions out at home, and being a total victim. Complaining about the people he did not stand up to that day. And I'm sure he also is too nice to my mom when he doesn't want to, and then also THAT builds up resentment, and where does that go? I don't know, but I have to own this behavior and stop it. Or maybe I conditioned myself with this. Back when I was a desperate, lonely teenager, feeling unworthy of having a girlfriend. I would read online about how you're supposed to treat a girl. And I would read that you're always supposed to make time for her. And now I've got a "Childhood Vow". "I should always be nice and ready to comfort my partner and provide her whatever she needs at any moment" That may work for unconscious, robot-like relationships, where superficial tokens of commitment are the currency. It doesn't work at the level that we're playing at. If I wasn't so god damn exhausted, I would do my exercise on this.

Good question. In my opinion and experience, having seen many people including myself heal their trauma and thereby upleveling their development, inner work and getting to the root is the only thing that resolves it for good. Getting to the root could involve psychedelics, it could involve psychotherapy, or different healing modalities such as Primal therapy, ERT, or IFS. It is possible to learn to do by yourself even. Whatever healing modality is used, it has to involve questioning the trigger, finding an unhealed part in oneself that is stuck in the past, and processing the pain it wants to show us, so going through old memories and stories that were buried and suppressed - usually people don't remember the actual things that still hold them back today, unless they are trained to do so. Here's some examples of things I consider to be surface level: Cognitive behavioral therapy Replacing good thoughts with bad thoughts "Pushing through" "Overwhelming the thinking mind" Positive thinking Meditating problems away All these are a little bit effective, but they are a band-aid: if you stop applying them, you're back to square one. Especially when stressed or tired or when life isn't going so well, one typically doesn't have the willpower to consistently apply this thought-replacing trick on themselves for example, and will still end up spiraling. Better to address the root of it so that it never comes back, and no extra tricks have to be applied in order to feel good day-to-day. See also my reply here: I'll release a video on this in a few days.

There is a condition called pica - the compulsion to eat inedible things. That label is applied to people who can't help doing it.

@Javfly33 Yes you can do that. But better not in the first 3 months, I'd say. And if you find yourself taking it multiple times per week again, you've screwed up.

If you regularly think that, then you probably have. I understand your fear. Giving up the sense of belonging and connection, just to develop yourself... doesn't seem like a good deal sometimes. Is that an absolute fact, that you can know for sure? The friends you need will show up when you are ready. Ready to become your authentic, developed self. You have to take the first scary step though, and just trust that the rest will fall into place.

How does that paradigm make you feel? Thank you

From the day of going zero (also without the tea) = T0, 7 days of bad performance, after that you'll perform okay but it will still suck a bit, until 30 days in then you're fine. And between 40-70 days from T0, you'll achieve the awesome state.

The only relevant piece of information here is: you only had 1 number. If going out and meeting 5 girls gets you 1 number, then next time meet 20 so you get 4. The next day, do the same so you have 8. You don't need more courses, you need more experience. Real success is boring.

I'm sorry, you can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed, nor can you help someone who doesn't want to be helped. You can either be completely okay with the way she is now, and love her just the same, and if you can't, just get out of the relationship. If you choose option A and stay, then what you can do, is: Inspire her by taking your own advice, meditating your ass off, going to therapy yourself, and becoming more and more calm and mentally strong (or whatever is the opposite that you want to see in her) All else will fail. All the best!

@Lyubov I don't see a lot of helpful responses here so far, so let me jump in. The overall, long-term strategy here is: praise what you want to see more of in your partner. Want her to dress in lingerie? Then compliment her when she does, make her feel sexy, bring it up and say you think she would look so sexy in X Y Z, then when she's on board (NOT BEFORE), you take the initiative and take her shopping, of course you pay. Alternatively, you can challenge/inspire her to buy more sexy lingerie, just make her feel not judged but encouraged. For outfits, public sex, and other kinky stuff, you basically follow the same sequence: 1. Praise the quality you want to see more of (praise her adventurousness, praise her lustfulness, praise her and encourage her to fantasize about multiple people, et cetera) 2. Make her feel encouraged and not judged when she gets a little freaky, or does a little something like flash you in public, just give it tons of appreciation. 3. Fantasize about it together, just talk about fantasies, you can initiate this. Wait with step 4 until you get signs from her that she'd be into exploring it, otherwise you come off pushy and controling. 4. Initiative. Now you do the hard work and take the initiative to make it happen, whatever it is. You've got permission from her now. Don't expect her to do the work to make it happen for you (although she might, if she's really awesome) Involve her in it as much as you can: look for parties together, look for outfits together, look for threesome-worthy girls together. Or preferably one of her friends because she already trusts a friend, so less competition vibe. Competition ruins threesomes and lives, so make sure she feels safe and knows beyond a doubt that you'd never leave her for another girl, even though you had sex with another girl and her. 5. Release expectations. Make sure there is no pressure on the situation. Nothing has to happen. Let her know that you are completely cool if nothing happens tonight. It's all about her feeling safe and exploring adventure together, not about goals. Good luck!

It's not, you're right. Whether something can be improved in the way you communicated it, or not, either way you need friends to communicate with you, so that you can find out, talk it through and both learn from the situation. you are outgrowing your current friends. Because you tolerated it. Up until now. You kept friendships in your life where this pattern occurred: they punish you for expressing your feelings. The so-called: "Fuck you for hurting me by telling me how I hurt you"-dynamic. And you haven't called them out on it, and you let them come back and accepted this behavior. So far. But now you're becoming aware, and it's very hard to un-see it. Congratulations. You just found out your standards for friendship. Now go out and find the friendships you deserve!?

I've cut out coffee and gone back to it about 6 times. This time it's for good. Not because I'll never drink it again, but because I know I won't need it anymore. The addictive impulse is diminished so much that the costs don't outweigh the benefits anymore. That was because of emotional processing and trauma release, which I can highly recommend for fixing addiction permanently. Back to the issue at hand: Quitting Coffee. I've read books about this and experienced it firsthand: it takes 40-70 days, counted from the moment you quit all caffeine, tea and coffee, to feel awesome again. But at the end, you feel awesome. And I mean awesome: as sharp and productive as you are with coffee, with zero side effects, and on-demand energy all day long, until you go to bed. At which point you sleep great. Just painting a picture to give you some hope that it's worth it! It really is. I'm just at the end of the second month, and I'm having every day moments where I wonder: Oh my god, what the fuck did I take, how am I so sharp and do I feel so good! Of course it's not just quitting coffee, it's also optimized nutrition and enough sleep. I feel for you ? It really sucks the first time. If you have the option, it's better to take 7 days off to go cold turkey, that way the suffering is over faster. After 7 days, you'll be able to function fine again, but the feeling "awesome" takes 40-70 days. So a cold turkey quit is a good way to rip off the band-aid. Of course, if you can't take time off work, and can't afford to perform like shit for a week, that may not be an option. I know what that feels like. It's best to give your body as much sleep as it asks for, during the quitting/cutting down period. Even if that is 12 hours. So cool! If it helps, you can make a "countdown to awesome" spreadsheet or calendar, and just check off a box every day for 90 days, and write down how you feel, to see your progress. Good luck!

Believing in failure as a concept Believing that one's life is (or can be) ruined Never getting to the bottom of why one doesn't take his/her life seriously (I'm glad I did) Rather being right than being happy Not accepting advice that feels uncomfortable Not getting out of one's comfort zone Accepting limitation Not learning to take pleasure in suffering All mistakes I have personally made by the way. Stopping them un-ruined my life and made it awesome again.

Awesome work! You are really nailing the self-love strategies there, and I hope you keep it up! These are amazing habits to have, and they will keep you grounded, keep you open to opportunities to live fully, and prevent downward spirals. However, as you are correctly intuiting, the negative thoughts and self image you are experiencing still have a root in your subconscious. They are old pain, hurt that you couldn't fully process at some point. When the psyche can't fully process a painful event or circumstance (either because there is no time for it, or it feels like it has to suppress pain, or it is judged, or it hasn't matured enough to deal with it), it splits off a "part". This part is like a version of yourself when you were a certain age, and it is stuck in the past, repeating this painful story over and over again, reliving it and not finding a resolution. You probably have many of these split-off parts from different ages, but the collective of them is often referred to as your "inner child". What you have to do to permanently get rid of a certain aspect of your negative self-image, is to actually make time and space to have a conversation with this part. Make a safe place where you feel free to express yourself and won't be disturbed. Use blankets and pillows. Center yourself using breathing techniques until you are in an open, nonthinking state. Then ask: "When did I first feel like this?" What comes up next, you should feel fully. You can feel the presence of an entity such as a younger version of yourself. Listen to it like it is your own child, and fully feel and emote whatever it wants to show you and tell you about. It's in pain, and it needs you to listen and feel it. You may not get all of it in one session, but it's very effective if done correctly. Good luck!

Beautiful. Congratulations! I'm happy that your life is changing for the better. A little force is good to get started and break through patterns. In the long run, it's possible to remove the "against my self" part so that no force is needed to overcome an internal enemy.

And now we know why you have a YouTube habit! Same reason I did (do still sometimes): negative thought spirals are unpleasant. Is there a common theme in them?

When I was 12, I dated a bunch of jpegs

Yes, multiple. Yes. It worked because: We met in person regularly. In the first LDR we met every second weekend for 3 days, so we could spend time together. In the second LDR we met every 2 months for a couple weeks. We weren't long distance for ever, or indefinitely. It can work if it's for a limited time, and it is clear when the long distance period ends and you'll live close to each other. If there's no clear plan and date to look forward to when the distance goes away, then eventually both people will be looking for something better nearby. Because nearly everyone who has a partner wants to be able to see them regularly. Long distance is only tolerated when it's for a limited time. In my first LDR, neither of us wanted to move to the other person's country. So, it didn't last. We loved each other, but not enough to move. So that's going to fall apart then, it's just a matter of time. The second time I did LDR, after about 7 months I just moved, and now we live together. We couldn't have kept that long distance up for much longer. It was not making sense anymore and driving us crazy. If your girlfriend just made that decision to move to Russia, without involving you in that decision, what the hell is going on there? I'd suspect she doesn't love you enough. If you don't want to move with her, I'd say you don't love her enough. She's not the one you'd move to the end of the world for, so why not save you both some time and find the right one? If that's all wrong and this is real love, then you can make it work if you visit each other every couple months, I'd say at least every 2 months, in person, and decide together on where you will live together when she's done studying. That's a lot of flight tickets.