flowboy

Yes, exactly. And the social/cultural environment led to denying the experiences.

@Someone here Easier said then done: but in order to recover from this habit of repressing your gay side, you need to be in an environment where it is accepted. Without acceptance around you, you'll always be swimming against the stream with it, feeling alone and it will be very hard to release the internalised judgment that gets absorbed from the social environment. Couple ways: Find a network of gay / LGBTQ people and go to meetups. They must exist, but in your environment they are probably underground, so you should make your own judgment around how safe that is to try and find. Go to another country. For a few months, or even longer. Experience what it's like to be in a scene where it is openly accepted and encouraged to be your full self. Even a week long retreat can do wonders. I would personally choose the option of going to another country to experience the scene where it is accepted. It's so important to have the right community. Edit: if @Preety_India thinks it's no big deal, then you can definitely start to ask around and start to network a bit, you'll find more people like you. I just know very little about India, so I don't want to be advising you something that can get you into serious trouble.

Once you heal the root cause of your need for acceptance, to be exact. Self-acceptance is what you need in order to feel okay not getting acceptance from others. We are born with it, then shit happens. That shit is usually either parents passing their issues onto you, or it can be bad experiences in school, or it can be actual traumatic events. It's not the adult layer of the self that needs the most acceptance, it's the different inner children inside your psyche. And they're still not over it. Once you go and heal those parts, you'll be alright. But you'll still be horny. The desire for a sexual companion is natural, so even though you can get to the point where you are super okay and happy without one, you'll still desire it. Great! You have a bias towards action. A great predictor of success. Well, you could just keep going and you'd probably get laid. You could also take a moment and introspect: do I have what women are looking for? For example: Do you have an interesting and passionate life that you love, that she'd want to be a part of Do you feel fulfilled and purposeful in your work Are you socially connected, good quality friends Do you love yourself and have self-esteem Are you emotionally intelligent and able to feel into her These are some examples of things that women find attractive, that you could work on. If you have all those things, you don't need to approach so much anymore. If you have those things and can communicate them, then 30% of people you actually talk to, will want to see you again. And if they want to see you again and are also single females, then most of your dates will go well. It's an easier life.

Honestly, you're focusing on the wrong thing. This is how to text without expending the painful amount of energy that you are doing: Say the first thing that comes to mind If that consistently turns all girls off, then the problem is elsewhere. See, natural texting is not a separate component you should be working on, unless you enjoy torturing yourself. It's only a reflection of your natural personality. Therefore, it should cost you literally no more energy to do it than it takes to move your fingers. Every thing that can go wrong with your texting conversations (which should be very short anyway before you proceed to the date), points to a problem with your inner state, and that's the level that it should be solved at. Examples: Being too logical in a text: means you're too in your head, also in face to face contact. This means you're overanalyzing, which is a defense mechanism created as a response to past pain. Solution is to do embodied practices combined with shadow work, inner child work or trauma healing. Being too sexual in a text: means you're too needy in daily life. Something is missing, and you're projecting that having sex is it. But it's not. It's either self-love, self-acceptance, self-worth, or life purpose. Not being funny: usually means you're too attached to the outcome. Getting this girl is a life-or-death situation to you, you're working so hard at it that you can't even be light hearted and willing to say something weird anymore. Solution is to build self-worth and life purpose. Using lines that you know work: means you feel that your own personality isn't good enough. Solution is to learn to let go and be yourself face to face with a girl, also working on self-worth, authenticity and radical honesty. 'Models' by Mark Manson would be a good book. Being afraid to escalate / not knowing how: actually you know how, you're just afraid she won't accept it. Meaning you lack acceptance, which you're trying to get from her. But actually you lack self-acceptance, which if you had it, you would be free to say whatever the hell you wanted and it would probably work, and if it didn't, you'd still feel fine and wouldn't dwell on it, because you accept yourself, fuckups and all. Because saying the right thing is just what happens when you are a mentally healthy man who is on his path. You don't have to think about it. Et cetera, et cetera. These are just examples, all of which I HAVE DONE by the way, so don't take this as me telling you how much better I am. I've been a huge overthinker when texting, and thankfully, I don't do that anymore. I say whatever the hell comes to mind, and get dates consistently. What you're trying to do is to not let your inner game issues shine through in the text. It's a lot of work to 'impersonate' someone who has self-worth, is non-needy and loves themselves. And it's all for nothing, because then you meet them and they find out that you don't have those things anyway. You get much better ROI by actually working on yourself, rather than pretending to be someone you're not. It solves everything. ?

Get a female friend with a good sense of style, but who you can also get to understand what you like and don't like, to go shopping with you. Seriously. You don't want to be winging this unless you have a good feel for it, or unless you're willing to spend a lot of money on mistakes.

Good mindset work includes all of those things. It's called mindset but the mind part is the least important, paradoxically

I didn't say "right off the bat" I said: "when you know that you want it" If you want it right off the bat, then you haven't spent enough time getting to know her, which means you are too desperate to check in with your own standards, and your desire is misaligned. And yes, it's worked really well

@Terell Kirby What is a surefire way to lower her attraction, is not expressing your desire for fear of lowering her attraction.

?

I think there's something there for you. ?

@Illusory Self See also Being stuck in your head fundamentally is a trauma response, in the sense that it is related to an unworthiness belief, which is caused by early childhood or adolescent experiences. Unworthiness in this case is expressed in that you believe that you have to think a lot, in order to be deserving. You have to say the right thing. You have to lead. You have to be funny. You have to, you have to, you have to. Fulfilling all of these "have to"s requires thinking. Thinking puts you in your head. Being in your head blocks you from leading, being funny, saying the right thing and having a naturally flowing conversation. People who are good on dates barely think at all. Think about that Buried beneath all that thinking, is your gut instinct. It tells you exactly what to say and do, and you don't have to think in order to listen to it. The perfect dating behavior is already inside you, man. But... you are actively blocking it.

There's also upsides to being with someone more experienced. It can provide you with a feeling of safety, protection, guidance, feeling really contained and held in the arms of someone you can trust and who can really provide a lot of wisdom and resourcefulness. Basically using the advantages of his age for the good of you, him, and the world. This is the side you are not seeing. This is what other people might find valuable in a relationship with someone older. And I don't blame you for not seeing it that way. It all depends on earlier imprints of older people in our lives. Were they trustworthy? Could we count on them? Did they protect us? Or did they fail us, betray us, abandon us, even use us and take advantage? It heavily colours our paradigm of today.

@somegirl Your discomfort and irritation comes from clinging to a certain belief of what is "wrong" and what is "right" So the absolute dogma you hold about what's wrong and what's right, can actually be traced back to something that is very personal for you. So you can see, it is not an absolute rule. You have some fear around being taken advantage of, and that's why this belief makes sense for you. But you could do without it, if you could feel more trust. Trust in yourself, to be able to protect and take care of yourself, and discern people's intentions correctly. Basically, trusting your own intuition more. Then you wouldn't need this belief, because you'd feel more safe in the world.

So the insultedness comes from a belief that they should not be dating people much younger than themselves. That is an entirely subjective belief. The discomfort comes from them not sharing your belief. They are acting in accordance with their belief, just like you are. So you have that in common, at least.

Desire is awesome! Desire is aliveness. Temporary states of desirelessness are useful for insight and growth, but not something you should strive to maintain. You are suffering because you are telling yourself lies about being unworthy of what you want, or not powerful enough to get what you want.

I suspect that part of the value of a high-end retreat is in networking. But that's just a hypothesis.

@Lyubov If you are growing uncomfortable with the difference in what you want, which posting this topic could indicate, maybe it's time to have a serious conversation about it with her. No, you do not have to be responsible for her getting what she wants out of life, if you are upfront and give her all the information she needs to decide. But, you could be compassionate and investigate / stimulate her to figure it out and see if she's really sure she wants to stay with you. The more you grow as a man, the wider your circle of concern becomes. You may find yourself not just worrying about whether you can be blamed for anything while you get what you want, but also about the fulfillment of people around you. At least that's what I have found myself experiencing off and on recently. Given that you could meet a girl who is equally great, but wants the same as you, wouldn't that be better for everyone?

If someone approaches you and based on their age, you assume they only want sex, that's about you, not about them. What are you projecting, and where is it coming from? Do you believe that sex is the only thing you have to offer to a more mature person? That he couldn't see you as a worthy life partner that he could take seriously? I'm seriously wondering.

Instead of a "wing", how about just making a friend who is on your level and likes to go out and socialize? Of course, a potential friend could be amongst those 50 people. Have you talked to all of them and deemed them unworthy? I'm just trying to point to the fact that you might be stuck on the "wing" aspect of things, and your problem could be solved just by finding a friend who's into the same things. And so you can do that in all the ways that people normally find friends. The wingman stuff can be talked through / strategised over in the half an hour before you go out. It's peripheral. Of course, if you want someone who's into going out, you can talk to guys and find one. If you want someone, as you say, who has a vision for their life, then go fish in the pond of interesting people. Join meetups that represent your interests, and see who you meet there.

@Raptorsin7 If you do mindset work to integrate an abundant mindset, and work through whatever's in the way of that, in my experience the universe will reflect that back to you. Of course it helps to create your life in a way that the women you want, will want to be around.

Authenticity and radical honesty. It's so much better to come straight out with what you want, when you know you want it, than to play some sort of game. The result is more satisfying. You stand a better chance of actually getting what you want, much sooner than if you were dancing around it. I think this is nonsense. When you know what you want, you make it clear. No matter the consequences. That's what a healthy man does. Why then is this advice given? Because if she is in the position of 'chasing' a relationship, then you have the power. You get to reject or accept her, instead of the other way around. But underneath that, it is a strategy to avoid getting hurt. It's kind of a childish substitute for being a genuinely powerful man. Avoiding getting hurt is not what gets you what you really want. Vulnerability, putting yourself out there, is what is most respected and attractive. Then how do you avoid losing all the power? The answer is in this distinction: I want to be in a relationship with you no matter what vs: I WANT a relationship with you ONLY IF you are fully all-in as well. And if you're not sure, then I don't. This is the underlying frame you should have. If you aren't okay on your own, if you are not grounded enough to let her go if she's not fully committed, THAT's where you lose the power. So watch out for that, and you're golden. I had fun breaking this down for you, hope it helps.

You could do with a little more trust (in the Universe, God, Life, whatever is your cup of tea) Trust that if you feel a pull, that that is the right thing. You don't know what will happen. Certainly your prediction that it could cost you your relationship is based on nothing, and humans are notoriously bad and self-deceptive when it comes to knowing what is on the other side of their next spiritual evolution. You just gotta jump and trust, if that's what you are called to. For all you know, the 5-MEO makes you feel so much radical love, that you are finally able to feel those butterflies. Butterflies can be tied to people who resemble familiar patterns (from how we grew up), rather than who we are most compatible with. Perhaps the trip can break through that and unlock the butterflies for who you are actually compatible with. I don't know, and you don't know. It's equally possible. You either take the leap or you don't, and either decision is fine. I'm just making the point that you can't know what's on the other side, and so all this overthinking is not going to bring you security.

@Gabith If sexual dreams is what you really want, then the recipe is simple: Don't ejaculate for 3-4 weeks. Thank me later

@integration journey What I have to say on this is apparently different from the rest, but here it is: Being overly logical comes from being "in your head". Being in your head is a state of being dissociated from your body. This can be caused by different things, usually a combination: Having a job that requires you to be logical Having friends that like to relate on a logical level Caffeine Trauma response, being triggered Fear / fight-or-flight state. This is very common when doing something high stakes, such as approaching girls sober or speaking in public. The solution is to practice on a daily basis to check in with your body. Become aware of how you are feeling, again and again, until you develop a consistent awareness. Learn what it feels like to be tense and in your head, and learn to consciously relax and drop your awareness down to your belly. This can take months to get better at, but it is the answer. There's tons of exercises that can help with that, such as: Body awareness practice Active meditations by Osho Breathwork Ecstatic dance ... so many more But the most important thing is to become aware: how am I feeling, what sensations are there, what emotions are there. Do this as a habit, several times per day. Developing basic body awareness will teach you a lot about yourself. From there, having this awareness, you can share it: You can talk about how things make you feel. You can layer more emotions into your storytelling, because now you are aware of them. Your stories become captivating and interesting this way. People and girls will now instantly feel more connected to you. Because emotions and feelings make people feel that they can relate to you and trust you. Not logic. Hope that helps ?

I think you are doing fine and should just keep going. It's really not about the technicalities at this level. Your detailed analysis and decision making regarding your story telling style, presentation style (funny vs gloomy), is a giveaway that you are quite in your head still. Being in your head will yield mediocre results, because people can feel that you're not quite being yourself, you're not quite grounded. And if you're not quite grounded, it creates a slight discomfort. You are disconnected from yourself and so others feel a disconnect with you. You can overcompensate for this by being very funny or stimulating, but as you become more grounded in yourself, you can drop the act more and more and generate attraction just with natural conversation. Analysis is for afterwards. During interaction, all thinking should be dropped. Where you could improve: practice feeling into how much you are in your head versus how much you are in your body. Then practice projecting your inner state outwards. The more people can feel you, the more attraction you will generate.