flowboy

Same thing here, simple follow natural curiosity. If you're not excited, then you won't come up with conversation topics that excite her. If you're with someone interesting, you'll naturally wonder about hot topics, like what in her life makes her passionate, whether she has a good relationship with her friends, the way she dresses, what she's wearing, how her skin feels, how warm her hand is, what excites her, whether that lipstick comes off when you kiss her, whether she's a good kisser... All that stuff will come up naturally as thoughts, and then you can bring it up, by saying things or doing things.

If you're not there because you'd potentially want to sleep with her, it's not a date. That's not dating experience you're racking up, that's ... platonic networking experience? Are you playing it too safe by picking girls you don't want anything with?

Exactly

She doesn't want to be fixed, @amps . She just wants to be able to share her difficulties with you. Your job as the boyfriend is to listen and experience her feelings with her, without making her feel that something is wrong with her. And without coming up with solutions, or telling her to do something about it. Because that makes her feel like something is wrong with her. This is a classic masculine/feminine communication issue. When a man hears something that sounds like a problem, he interprets: "this is being told to me so that I can fix it". When a woman shares her problems with her man, she just wants to be heard. That's all. If you make the mistake of coming up with fixes, tips, tricks, or action steps, then you failed to make her feel heard. And then she'll try again. With a bigger problem this time. Something else maybe. To you it seems like it never ends. To her it seems like you never get it. Until you finally go: I hear you, baby. That must be really tough. I understand. I'm here for you. I love you That's all she wants. Got a video on giving advice to friends, the first half of it also applies to relationships so maybe that's helpful for clarifying

@Space I think you're doing a great thing by just meeting lots of women on dates, and see what works. To win at this, I would shift the focus from "what works on them", to "what works on me". Meaning: instead of putting awareness on how much you are exciting them, stay with how excited you feel by her. Then you can also know when it's the right time to make a sexual move. I've struggled with "sexualizing" a conversation and couldn't figure it out for the longest time. I found over the years that it all converges to authenticity. Meaning: how you act has to be aligned with how you feel. Then it doesn't feel weird. That means you have to feel drawn to her, when you take her hand. And you have to feel turned on by her, when you move in for the kiss. Then it's not weird. Well, if she's talking about her travel experiences and in the meantime you find yourself distracted by wondering what it's like to kiss her, then you can interrupt her, say that you weren't listening because you started to wonder what it's like to kiss her. And that's really hot, so she'll probably be turned on if you say that, and if so you can kiss her right after that. See how easy authenticity works? You can see how this is a problem if you want to make sexual moves and not feel weird about it Good luck!

I can not answer this question because it's the wrong question. The question should be: how do I stop seeing resistance as a problem? I'll share some wisdom with you: resistance correlates with importance. Therefore, you can use it for your own good: simply do what you are most resistant to, first, because that's usually the most important. Everything is here to help you. Including resistance. Next time you feel resistance, thank it for showing you what you really need to do, and get going. The alternative is to be a victim of resistance, viewing it as a problem, avoiding it, and let it defeat you. That's the start of a dark path of life long procrastination, mediocrity and mental suffering, my guess is you wouldn't be on this forum if that's what you wanted.

Your counsellor is an idiot. Saying this with love. He's coming at this from what is called a "fixed mindset" - which means that you assume that you can not change. Things are just the way they are, better accept them, and that kind of nonsense. Whereas that's a great idea for external problems you can do nothing about, it's terrible to treat internal issues that way. Here's my life philosophy: Find out what you really, really, really want Then go for that and solve any problem that's in your way Anything else won't result in happiness. And I know this not only from my experience, but also my clients'. Social anxiety is part of your Hero's Journey apparently. It's the monster you have to slay to free the princess and marry her! The question is: will you accept the call? @Anirban657

Hey Philipp, I feel your pain. Like you said, everything has its shadow side, and the shadow in you is what makes you hate it. If you enjoy hating the system, I don't want to stop you from doing that. It can be fun. If you feel like it's costing you a lot of energy, and you'd rather have peace of mind, you can integrate the shadow. Which is the process of finding and recognizing everything you hate "out there", somewhere in yourself, and then loving that. ?

Hi Rasheed, I don't think your question is stupid. Whilst I don't know the reasoning that Leo or Sadhguru provided, here's some thoughts: I don't think Sadhguru said "only one in your life", rather one at a time, right? A relationship is one of the biggest investments you could make. It can go wrong in many ways, due to incompatibility of personalities. Before you commit to one, it's good to know yourself and your personality and what fits with you and doesn't fit with you. And just like God created all of us to know itself, to experience itself through us, you also need to experience interactions with others in order to know yourself. Therefore, interacting with women helps you get to know yourself, therefore it helps you discover what type of woman fits well with you. Because it's such an emotional investment and carries a high cost when you have to break it up (your life getting derailed with pain and sadness for months), it's imperative to choose wisely. When you buy a house, will you sign for a 20 year mortgage on the first one you see, without going to see any other ones? Perhaps, but then it has to be a really amazing fit, and everything feels right about it. This can happen in relationships too, but if you haven't trained your intuition with experience, it can be hard to know what even is right for you.

Nice balanced perspective. Good to see you integrate your past experiences into this holistic viewpoint. Thank you for sharing.

Hey, I'm with you as well! No need to make such a big project out of approaching girls, unless you want to. I personally like to go with things as they naturally occur. I feel like I want to meet someone. I walk outside. I see her, recognize her from something. I feel a bit of fear. I go up to her and stutter a bit. She gives me her number. We date for 6 months. No clubs were hit, no pickup forums were browsed, no scorecards were harmed in the making of this adventure. It's very low-key and casual. Of course I was excited about it. But meeting people is a natural process. When you feel the impulse, all you need to do is not suppress it. ?

Hey Gabith, sorry to hear you are going through this. Actually your anxiety makes sense to me. Why do people get anxious on job interviews? Because they really really really want it, it's all they want and this could be their only chance anytime soon. This is the situation you've created for yourself by only working on your social life. The real solution here is not a breathing technique, but to shift your focus to something else, something that feels purposeful and meaningful to you, that's what you're thinking about and working passionately towards every day, and you care way more about than getting the next girl. This is what really lowers anxiety on approaches. Because now you still want the girl, but it's not the most important thing in your life, if that makes sense. Do you have something like that currently?

Hi, and welcome to the forum. I've read your story and I relate a lot, because currently I'm pursuing my passion but also making money, and it took me a while to find that balance for myself. Here's what I'd do in your situation, knowing what I know now: Remain living where you live now (assuming this saves you money). But give yourself 6 months to get your project off the ground. Brainstorm creative ways to have people pay for you doing your passion, TODAY. Execute. Use the 6 month deadline as motivation. Do not waste time and energy on anything that is out of alignment, "work experience" is worthless to you if you already know that it's not what you want to do, and the money you earn with it is worth less than the time you lose with it. I repeat: the money you earn with it is worth less than the time you lose with it Starting something next to a job, in the time and energy you have left over, is 10 times as hard as without the job. This is where most struggle. I did it, and I would not recommend it. Don't underestimate the power of prioritizing where your fresh energy goes versus the leftovers. You are in a perfect position to make your purpose work for you. Don't blow it now by moving out and getting a job you hate DM me if you want to brainstorm a bit.

Unlike some other replies here, I'm going to contend that it is not about you. She needs to grow up. Just... a little. Yes, fangirling over a rock star is normal. And you understand, which is very mature of you. But it sounds like she's expecting you to cater to that, and just let it all out without any regard for your feelings or respect for the relationship. Things like: Are just taking it a little too far. This to me is her being a bit immature and expecting you to cater to the teenage girl inside you, without any regard for your feelings. A statement that acknowledges the relationship, like "Sorry but I'm just going to fangirl out a bit, I'd never really be with a guy like that but he just tickles the teenage girl in me. Thank you for feeling secure enough to let me experience this", would make a difference for me personally. What she's doing now is basically openly stating that if this rockstar propositioned her, she'd sleep with him. And this is probably true, but saying it openly, I find to be a sign of lack of respect for what you have (assuming you are a monogamous couple) My advice is to not make a big deal out of it in this situation Go to the concert, be a big fan of the rockstar together But keep an eye on the dynamics of your relationship in the coming months. Make sure that she's still feeling really lucky and stoked to be with you. And if not, make sure that she knows that other women are attracted to you, and you are grounded, on your path and okay without her. (without telling her, obviously) It could be that you've been a bit off your path, not so strong lately, and this is a good reminder to get centered and grounded. And allow her to walk away if she's not totally stoked to be yours.

@integration journey You can teach yourself to not act in a needy way, but that's a whole lot of trouble you will put yourself through. And a lot of conditioning you will have to unlearn later. Because the blockages and filters you create on your self-expression, in order to come off non-needy, will come back to bite you at some point. Then you have to undo that conditioning you created later, when you are actually non-needy and need your freedom of expression back. Having learnt all these constraints on your communication is only going to make you neurotic in the long run. I'm speaking from experience. The more low-effort way is to actually be non-needy! This is by doing shadow work, you already referred to your shadow. How I would do that with someone is: Take a recent memory of approaching someone Cut out the part where you felt that need strongly Replay it over and over until the body sensation becomes apparent Then ask questions to the body sensation, until you enter a dialogue where it becomes clear which part of you it is, and where in time it is stuck, and what it needs Then heal it by giving it what it needs You can do that on your own, won't take you more than 2 hours, and your next approach will feel a lot different already. I have an instruction video on this, but you can use whatever process works for you best.

Hi Roy, A good friend of mine had this issue with his girlfriend. She is now his wife and they have a baby, so it's clearly possible to work it out. She would get upset knowing that he watched porn, and consider it cheating. She would cry or get angry. At first he would react by hiding it, but one day he decided to be radically honest from that point on. He told her about the drugs he experimented with, and the porn he watched. All things that greatly upset her. But he established the frame that this is just what he did, it has nothing to do with her, she has no say over it, and he was not going to feel bad about it or hide it anymore. They had some fights after that, because it is really a re-establishing of dominance that happened. But then the rocky period was over and they both settled in. And still to this day he mentions watching porn when she is there, and she doesn't even flinch. Myself I never had this particular issue with porn, girls I've been with have always been cool with that or even exchanged links to videos with me. I've had it in other ways though, where I like to do certain things that many girls don't agree with or which makes them insecure. In recent years I'm learning to be upfront with all the things about me that she might not agree with, in the first couple dates. It really does pay off when I do it well. And I've gone through enough pain that I am motivated to set it up correctly. My honest opinion is that arguing on a logical level over what 'should' be considered okay for you and the technicalities of it, is a battle that will never end. It can not be solved on this level. Because you're basically negotiating terms with her while she's in the higher power position. It's like asking for a raise in a job you can't afford to leave. However, you can always re-establish the frame and redefine what things you do that she has no say over and vice versa. You may have to have a little fight over it, though. Because if you've let her insecurities and emotional outbursts motivate you to stop watching porn or hide it, then basically she established dominance over you. I'm not saying that she does this on purpose or anything. It's something that happens in relationships and is easy to slip into. Not her fault. I'm just saying you can re-establish frame if you're willing to go through some uncomfortable fights and put your foot down. Actually be willing to lose her. Otherwise, there's no changing this. It's no fun having to cater to someone's insecurities, but it's equally no fun having to watch and police your boyfriend's porn habits, and being enabled in emotional controlling behavior. Re-establishing the frame and holding firm on that will actually make her feel more secure with you. You being the dominant one in that. As evidenced by my friend J's story. Word of warning though, if your dynamic has been based on everything being equal from the start, and you have never been the 'alpha' really (meaning she sets the frame of the relationship, leads and makes the final call on decisions), it's possible that this is the only way she wants to relate with you. And setting your own frame can lead to a breakup. That actually happened to me before. So it's not without risk. But it can work. As you can see, it's much easier and less risky to establish the frame that allows for everything you want from the beginning. Addendum: I dislike having to talk about dominance, and being the 'alpha' because it sounds so crass, but sometimes it is a dynamic that can't be ignored. It's not to be construed as you being dominant over her or bossing her around, but rather you having ownership over yourself and being the leader in setting the frame for the relationship, creating the container in which both of you can feel safe.

I'm organising my first retreat with a friend and busy with onboarding candidates and chasing them down to confirm their attendance I'm also booking accomodations for my trip to Spain I'm working on my communication skills by studying others and watching myself back I'm still creating new content for my coaching program I'm having calls I'm creating blog posts I'm creating youtube videos I'm recording podcasts I'm creating videos and content for my employee (s) I'm making branding decisions And I'm sure I am omitting a few things. Even 4 months ago, this workload would have sent me into a full-on panic - shutdown - depression cycle. Now, I'm fine. Fine. What happened to me

@Vivaldo Yes, they usually wait for the guy to initiate. So you have to step up or miss 98% of your dating opportunities. The reason is that your ability to initiate is part of what proves to her that you are worth dating. Taking initiative and being courageous is an important part of what makes you attractive to her.Courage and initiative are an important part of what makes men attractive. Less so for women: I bet you'd be fine with dating a girl who is not as brave as you but has other attractive qualities This is the reason that it's usually the guy who makes the first move. However, really it's the woman who makes the first move by looking at you

Can you describe some examples where this helped you? Especially when a stranger did it? I can understand that when a respected teacher does it, it makes someone think and put in the effort to understand why, and wake up. But that's predicated upon looking up to the holder of the stick. If a stranger who holds no special credits in the hittee's perspective, does this, I doubt there would be contemplation as a result of it. Rather defensiveness and derailment. The trap is that the ego likes to imagine itself in the position of the teacher with extra respect credits already built up. So that it can say anything and people will consider it deeply.

So two months after we break up, I suddenly find out that I have this other part of myself who is still in love with her. What. Great -.- I thought my parts were integrated, and I was making such fast progress and doing so well because my achiever-part and child-part had been integrated. And maybe they have, but now I have a Romantic and a Businessman inside me, and I just had an hour long emotional conversation with them. They seem to agree and want to work together, but when left to their own devices (Businessman has been thriving the past weeks), they keep kicking over each other's sandcastles. I don't think it can be resolved in one session. I'm still confused.

Clearly, you have never seen what a knee does to a guy. There's a reason it's forbidden even in the most brutal fighting sports. I don't think it's ethical to do it unless you are physically threatened, but it is at your disposal.

If you want to get laid and have women respect you, yes. It's not even that extreme. It's just radically being yourself.

@assx95 Yes, 40 approaches is a good start but not enough to get good at flirting, but another thing most pickup guys will not tell you, is: High self-esteem matters much more than flirting technique. So do whatever it takes to get you to honestly believe you are an awesome, very attractive man, and everything else in the flirting and game department will become easier. This may involve you getting better friends, a better life purpose, better clothes, a better place to live, or completely changing your life direction. Whatever that is for you, do that. It may also involve therapy and/or trauma release. Unprocessed pain from the past is often in the way of having high self esteem.

@Medhansh Another thing you can do (when it's authentic), is when she says something negative about something you like, whether it is her criticizing Leo Gura or saying some music artist you like is lame, instead of half-heartedly agreeing or trying to find a middle ground, you just look her straight in the eyes and tell her that you actually love this X or Y. Look at her with a vibe of being fine with the awkwardness of the dissonance, and being mildly entertained at the same time. If she backpeddles and corrects herself to agree with you, you basically already know she's yours if you want her.

Yes. Simple but not easy. If you can cut out all people-pleasing behavior, even the subtle stuff like allowing someone to finish their story which you are bored with, or telling her that you think something is cool whilst you should be telling her that you don't like what she just said, or allowing her to finish her sentence whilst you actually want to kiss her, or you actually want to send her home because you want to sleep, then that's enough. Beware that this manifests throughout your entire interaction with her from the beginning. Instead of trying to create a good vibe and being entertaining to her, you will be amusing yourself whilst constantly judging and figuring out whether she meets your standards or not. Always be willing to walk away as soon as she does something you don't like. Be respectful but don't slip into politeness.