flowboy

All these assumptions with you guys. Did you bother to verify them, like actually ask women who you are in intimate connection with, and who are self-aware and trust you enough that they would tell you the truth about what they could get turned on by? Your understanding of what turns women on is very limited, if you think that she only gets wet by seeing you be stereotypically masculine.

If you need to put it in such crude terms, yes. It's not just mine, most women get turned on by /fantasize about guy on guy action, especially if the guy is someone they are already attracted to. Not all of them will admit it. Like I said, it's quite a perfect parallel with the other way around. Experience with women will show you this.

@Jannes My girl's fantasy is for me to be bisexual. Most women I know love to see guy on guy action. Think about it: don't you love to see girls make out? Would it make you jealous? There you go. They just want to be sure that if they're in a relationship with you, that's enough for you, that you don't need to date guys also at the same time. It tends to make people insecure if they can't be everything that you need to be satisfied. But then if you have the relationship, I bet if she's an open-minded girl she'd love it if you'd experiment with guys, probably even beg to watch.

Yes, fasting can help with feeling bloated or tired. But also, if you are feeling bloated and tired, you are probably eating some ingredients that you aren't digesting very well. Have you taken a look at Leo's video on how to shop for healthy food? It's still the gold standard in my opinion. Keep in mind that what ingredients digest well and which ones your body doesn't like, is not static - it's dynamic. If you are under emotional stress that you are ignoring, your gut will be more sensitive and reject more ingredients than if you are emotionally taking care and holding space for yourself well. My experience with intermittent fasting was that it gave me a boost in energy and taught me to deal with hunger, something which lasted ever since. My dad's experience is more spectacular though - he had diabetes type 2, was on Metformin medication, and he was always very intolerant to not eating every few hours. Then he started IF - now he doesn't have diabetes anymore and doesn't need the medication. Also he looks healthier.

@UpperMaster I went through this, including the mass ostracisation, disapproval, getting kicked out, reputation completely fucked because of some beef that was way too public and not belonging anywhere. I started high school with some friends, some neutral and some bullies/enemies, I exited it with everyone hating me. When I was 17. I am 29 now. I am still feeling the vengeful hunger for status, money, power and sex that was created in those years. It's literally like that feeling of "when is it fucking my turn to be powerful, popular etc" never left and never grew up. It's caused me quite a bit of trouble in relationships, when my 17 year old self, which still lives in my 29 year old body, started interpreting an adult minor relationship conflict as a status/power game, or some minor criticism as bullying, or worse, commitment and not having tons of girlfriends at the same time as being a loser. It gets weird Here's what I want to communicate: Your current pain is going to fester and self-perpetuate indefinitely until you heal it. This can look like, for example: Being frustrated that you can't get status by being good at anything, because the things you try are so hard and people are easily surpassing you, yet at the same time you keep trying things that are not your natural talents, and you do have real natural talents, where if you would build those you would easily gain status, but those you don't even want to think of pursuing, because you view them as low status. Thus the vengeful part that says "why don't I have this" creates the blind-spots that keeps you from getting it. Getting what you want will just move the goal post and you'll still feel the same low status vengeful thing. For example, when I was in this kind of pain in high school, I thought: "why can't I just get girls to like me, why can't I just get a girlfriend". Then I got a girlfriend but I wasn't happy, the same exact feeling stayed, and the desire became "why can't I just get a really hot girl" Then at some point I did that, and the exact same vengeful energy stayed and said "why can't I just get 20 friends who respect and adore me and sleep with X many girls" On and on. Constantly feeling this lack, unhappiness, unfairness, revenge no matter what I really did or experienced. It's still with me to this day, I just choose to not let it run me anymore and start actually healing it, so that I can appreciate where I got already. Not having this vengeful impulse and angry feelings does not preclude that you get everything you want. In fact, you are much more likely to get everything you want (status, respect, popularity in your social circle) after you let go of the need for it. Because people can smell this need and will want to stay away from it. The sooner you heal it the better. I recommend that you: start regularly talking to someone who does not judge you but really understands you, and helps you to make sense of your emotions. I'm sure that there are things going on that you can't talk to your parents about without getting judged or them turning it into something else, or you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. I'm thinking therapist, coach, uncle/aunt, whatever resource is available. The reason is that the more you can share and openly talk about the difficulties you are facing, to an understanding and safe person, the lesser chance that this becomes a trauma that follows you all your life stop trying so hard to get status at things that are hard for you, and start looking for your natural talents and develop those, it's the best long-term play. Your natural talents will absolutely be there, but you may not want to see them, because they don't get you status in your current environment. So look where you don't want to look. Example: I found programming when I was in early years of high school. The only respected activity was soccer. I was bullied for being a nerd. But when I was in my early twenties, I now had a fun and easy way to make really good money, whilst the popular kids struggled in supermarket cashier jobs.

This is key. Something I also took a while to grasp and am still falling into sometimes. All these thoughts of "how do I..", attempts to figure it out, are sneaky escapes from the discomfort of action.

It's like the veil between me and my childhood pains is getting thinner. I passed 4 teenagers under a bridge in the dark. They were really innocent looking teenagers, standing around smoking some weed. I'm a nearly 30 year old man, having a surge of adrenaline and near panic, and part of me was sure I was going to get attacked. This is not something I'll just leave behind or grow out of. I notice that the ever-hungry objectification of women is getting more intense. A part of me is just compulsive about that, never satisfied. It's no wonder that from this state, in this mode of being, my past attempts at conversation didn't go so well. There's very little friendly, positive intention. It's more a desire to use and possess. And there's a dark jealousy and anger that has been surfacing. I feel jealous and anger towards anyone who has a higher income, better career than me. And a part of me feels anger when I see beautiful women. Not towards the woman, but towards ... life? About the unfairness of growing up with intense social anxiety, precluding me from successful interactions. That's not going anywhere either, just by itself.

As I approach my 30s, I am reflecting soberly on the traps I can not afford to fall into anymore. Lack of consistency Living in a crazy dream future, forgetting about the present at hand Switching plans too frequently Putting a lot of pressure on myself to do a lot every day, unrealistic plans, leading to disappointing myself and weeks and months without action, wallowing in that disappointment, preferring to not think about it and do nothing, or make alternative plans. And endless cycle of hope and hopelessness. Basically, overvaluing future plans, undervaluing the present moment and doing things right in the present. At the base of this there is a feeling of failure. The unrealistic plans are to make up for the already perceived failure, the crazy fast ramp-up times of activity I expected from myself served to motivate me that my sense of being a failure was soon to be obliterated with action, and never felt again. The inevitable disappointment that followed such a plan felt too much like failure, which couldn't be tolerated, so I would quickly cover it up with a new plan, a different way of doing things, effectively blaming and replacing the method to escape the feeling of personal failure. And why is failure so personal to me, and the feeling of it intolerable, while someone else might be fine not meeting a certain goal? After all it's not a big deal. Failure is just learning, the only way to really fail is to quit, et cetera. Well, Gabor Mate states in his book Scattered that the ADHD adult lives with the pain of a failure which is much older than the first goals he remembers not meeting. A failure to get unconditional positive regard from a caregiver. Some attention that was needed but not given, some expression or emotion that there was no space for. This pain lives in the implicit memory, meaning the related events are not consciously accessible, but the emotional imprint is still there. What do I think? I have started to suspect that that could be true in my case. The reason that I suspect that, is that there's something 'off' in the communication with especially my dad. Intimate topics are to be avoided. We don't say that we love one another in this family. (or if we do, it sounds weird and forced) We don't hug. Me and my dad, we don't talk about emotional pain. We don't talk about bullying. We don't talk about feeling fear or threat. We don't talk about sex. We don't talk about dating, or how to navigate it. What would happen if we did? He would start to rant about negative experiences he had, ways people have screwed him over, he would let his pain out on me. I can see how this leaves no space for a developing child to share his own feelings and experiences safely. How I didn't even dream of talking about how fearful I felt about going to school. Do I know for sure? No, I don't, this is a hypothesis. I'm a huge enthusiast of Janov's Primal theory, which says that every significant childhood pain can be remembered and felt in therapy, the complete memory can be recovered, situation, feeling, sounds and all. And until you do, you don't really know how things felt, it's all speculation. And a theoretical understanding of your own conditioning does very little for healing. The awkwardness with my dad is a clue though. Another one is how I respond to one of my friends. He is one with a very stern, often disapproving or moody, invalidating disposition. It's easy to project father parts onto him. During the past week, staying with him and another friend, I notice that I'm scared to contradict or criticize him, for fear of a discussion escalating. And suddenly my friend B is mom, and my friend A is dad, and the feeling is exactly the same as the weird dynamic when I used to be at the dinner table at home with my parents, and the air is so tense. There's certain things I'm not allowed to say, or my dad will explode. First at me, then my mom will get anxious and hysterically come to my rescue.

People sort themselves by level of emotional maturity.

@Tyler Robinson I do it with clients sometimes because it never fails to bring clarity. Maybe it will help you reconnect to your intuition. It should be what is remaining after the other voices have had their say.

So I'm always viewing everything through the lense of shadow work and Primal therapy, because I am a big believer in helping people return to their natural state, undoing all the nasty survival mechanisms they had to collect in their childhood... BUT... That is my bias. It's unfair of me to say that using tricks or a list to learn to recognize trustworthy people is useless, it can still be useful. Maybe that is a pragmatic first step towards having better experiences with relationships. It is my belief that your intuition can still help you the most, and it must be possible for you to access that, as one never really loses it. Have you ever done parts work?

I know a thing or two about shadow work, you can ask me either here or in private about it, if you want. @Sine @flume My opinion is that the more Primal work is done, the more easily intuition should be accessible. Question to you guys: do you think that's correct?

@Tyler Robinson Didn't mean to say that so harshly sorry. It's very late at night here.

I don't think this list is very accurate. But I wouldn't be able to help you make it better, because in order to determine who is genuine, I just watch a person talk for a couple seconds/minutes and then I know. No idea how. You need your intuition back.

Why they exist is an entirely different question. One can only speculate. I like to try and find the evil within myself. I've certainly been mean to some people occasionally, when I was in high school. When I think back at why, I remember that I had been bullied so much that I had started to think, that it was the only way to survive. My quality of consciousness was extremely flattened, beaten down, because of the lifelong lack of social acceptance I had suffered. And so I said mean things to the weak and kicked at pidgeons. A desperate attempt to feel some control. This only happened 2 or 3 times in total, by no means was I a bully. But... if my suffering had been worse, and my upbringing more violent, I could have been. @Danioover9000 Have you never had the life beaten out of you, or the social rejection so much that you felt the need to be mean to someone innocent, just to blow off some steam or feel some control?

@Danioover9000 So why is "doing nothing" not an option, when it comes to "dealing with them"?

https://edition.cnn.com/2022/03/28/politics/trump-putin-ukraine-russia-smart/index.html An entire article devoted to accusing Trump of admiring Putin. Written by an adult man, apparently.

@Danioover9000 What I meant was: I'm not willing to watch an hour of stuff just to determine what your exact question is. To answer "how to deal with", first we must know "why to deal with" Why are haters, trolls and critics a problem? What I often see on videos is, that after a period of negative comments, eventually the positive comments get voted to the top. Good wins out over evil, even in the comment section. So what's the problem?

By that logic, we should also just execute people who are severely mentally ill or mentally disabled to the point of needing constant supervision and care, it's an equal drain on resources. Someone who has been violent and dangerous, is usually mentally ill or severely traumatized. They could be diagnosed and medicated, and even if their condition is irredeemable, which it often is not, they could be kept docile in a facility. So are you saying that people who have never hurt someone, but could be dangerous, because they are mentally ill or mentally disabled, should be shot in order to save resources? Or are you fine with spending money on care facilities for people, even life long, except if they have committed a terrible crime? In that case, this is just motivated by retribution, not this utilitarian rationality which you claim. Because the only difference is what they have done in the past.

Good thing that natural instinct kicks in at a certain point so the complicated stuff can be forgotten again

wow!

@petar8p Yeah. Just lay your fingertip at the entrance and do nothing. Look your woman in the eyes and make sure she knows she doesn't have to do anything, and can express anything. Wait. Wait more. Then you will see.

People who are good at spotting authentic intent don't use tools or strategies. What makes you think you should? The reason there's no tools, strategies or tricks, is because the only tool you need is already in your possession - intuition. Everyone has one, and whether you call it a gut feeling or intuition or inner wisdom - it's ALWAYS there. HOWEVER: some people have grown up in a situation where the only way to survive, was to ignore one's gut feeling. A deeply ingrained, unconscious pattern of ignoring one's own authenticity gets established, when the parents are not authentic or honest or trustworthy or unpredictable, or when the parents demand from the child to deny its own needs for free expression, love, attention, and exploration, and sacrifice that to serve the parent's need of self-importance, care, or attention. Put simply: growing up with an unsafe parent, makes the child gaslight itself into burying and ignoring its intuitive sense. After all: if you're dependent for your life on your parent, you are completely helpless, how can you process the information that your gut feeling says that your mother or father is untrustworthy or uncaring or lying, or even dangerous? That is too much to handle. It's a choice between something that feels like death (knowing your caregivers aren't safe), or survival but burying the intuition. This is how a child comes to gaslight itself. This is how adult women keep picking the wrong partner over and over again, end up with untrustworthy men who lie, manipulate or even physically abuse. In the beginning they say all the right things and all seems rosy. Then, they turn out to have the same untrustworthy or abusive dark side that all the others had. How does it happen? Women possess the most sophisticated lie detectors. However, some have learnt to turn it off, as a response to childhood trauma. These women are desperately and eagerly looking for a man who will finally be trustworthy, because by their mid-twenties they have had a lot of betrayals already. This desperation and vulnerability is detectable by untrustworthy men, who also have childhood trauma, who have been misshapen by their defective parents into people for whom manipulation is the only way they know how to get love. Traumatized and imprinted with the unhealthy psyche of their own parents, perhaps full-blown narcissists, they smell this desperation and vulnerability and feel attracted to the signs of this. The women, cut off from intuition through childhood trauma, don't see the red flags and feel attracted to the words and manipulations that these men have learnt to say, while not hearing what their gut is screaming. And so the childhood trauma dance continues. Here's the good news: it's possible to learn to listen to yourself again. Access to intuition can be re-established. This is what you should focus on, if you want to solve this problem. Becoming highly intuitive. Doing shadow work, Primal Therapy or other trauma therapy is probably very helpful to clear out the toxicity that is blocking your inner knowing.

Not to mention, a man in a codependent dynamic with his mom who has him by the balls, is not exactly someone a woman would view as ready for marriage... any woman you would meet, would probably demand that you dial back this codependent relationship with your mom first, and rightly so. I appreciate that this is easier said than done. If this is what you grew up in, this toxicity is the water and you are the fish. You're not aware of it - at the same time, any other fish you attract will be in the same water. Until you do some therapy to realise the extent to which your childhood with this dynamic with your mom has soured your relationships with other women, and release the grip she has on you... the women you get into relationships with, will in all likelihood share some unpleasant characteristics with your mother. TL;DR: - Break free - Find a good therapist or counselor who has experience with toxic family systems and childhood trauma - Go to therapy at the same time as carefully starting to date women, and teach yourself by experience and with help of the therapist what healthy dynamics in relationships should look like. I'm not recommending you therapy because I think you are bad and must be fixed, but because it's a good thing to do for healthy people, and also because people who had toxic dynamics with their caregivers tend to end up in codependent and toxic relationships again and again, until they properly deal with that history. It's just because the imprint is off. If a baby duck hatches and sees a shoe instead of its mom, it will follow the shoe around instead of its mom. If a baby human is born and sees a controlling, covert narcissist mom for the first 9 years, it will follow around controlling, covert narcissist women forever until it finds a good therapist with experience in C-PTSD, childhood trauma and toxic family systems. I can recommend you Patrick Teahan's YouTube channel.

From what I've been told, it's not even about anticipation of me doing anything. Just about me being there and not going away. The feminine goes crazy for a stable masculine that does not move.