flowboy

It's rare-ish to have this phenomenon (wanting to surrender, wanting to not have any responsibility for what's happening, plausible deniability) explained first-hand, instead of by Owen Cook from RSD.

@Jodistrict Interesting, thanks. Took a quick read at the treatment protocol: This is exactly what I described above as out-of-sequence pains coming up, and being defended against by the 3rd line, in the form of hallucinations of strange ideations (the NEED to hold on to the belief is because it's the only defense against the raw traumatic feeling) Which, again, is a risk of blasting a traumatized system with psychedelics. I wouldn't exactly recommend that. That's not to say that I wouldn't take it, or I wouldn't trip, I do, but it is not wise if there might be substantial trauma. ERT body work is good. I believe in it. I don't think it's a complete therapy. Neither is breathwork of any kind. But they can be good complements.

The process is iterative, once you get in a groove with it, more and more things will come up. There is an intelligent plan to all of it. An intelligence within you, call it the subconscious, has a roadmap for your healing, and which Pains you can integrate first, and which ones after that, it's all pretty much laid out for you. Once one feeling/memory has been cried through, you feel good for a couple of days, weeks, then you feel worse again. Depression, or call it "ego backlash". Worsening symptoms of all kinds. You might think that it hasn't worked but that's a mistake: that's the next feeling knocking on the door. If you have 5-10K to blow then fly over to the Netherlands and get 2 months of primal therapy. I can give you a source. It's definitely the quickest and will get you into a solid groove for the rest of your journey. Also the pujalepp.com retreat is excellent, it's 2.5k atm and really helped me and my friends and my girlfriend. Since you already have some traction with self-regression, I would say keep it up, if the above options are not for you, then this can get you really far. All the way to birth? Possibly. If you have the courage I'll keep making videos about how-to etc. Also, you've read Jenson's book, I also recommend Thomas A. Stone's one. Reading it right now.

Thanks for sharing! You're just in the phase of recognising several neurotic symptoms (self sabotage, dependence on external validation, etc) Perhaps just about to realise that self-help books which teach you a healthier mindset, don't always stick, or sometimes the backlashes are immense. And it can seem like subconsciously, part of you wants to fail or stay in that sabotaging state. Reality is more positive than that. This mechanism (self sabotage) is designed to create a feeling that is reminiscent of unprocessed childhood or infant pain. Or, that's the effect of it. This is how people get stuck in the same traps. If you use them as a pointer, your subconscious will help you to permanently heal. https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/89452-healing-my-childhood/ https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/89850-death-by-childhood-how-trauma-slowly-kills-you/ https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/89100-weird-jaw-tensioncramping-during-meditation/#comment-1261494

It is often reported that people visit their loved ones, some days after they die, they feel the reassuring presence of that person. The takeaway is that the "essence" of a person is not limited to their body. It's the same essence that lives other lives too, before and after. It's the same essence that you still have after your current body dies. Not sure what happens to cats, but I don't see why their essence couldn't live on either. You can try to reconnect with your cat in dreams, meditation, a trip, a trance. Or just pray for it to happen and see.

I've been investigating approaches that directly address childhood trauma too! Here's what I found so far: Primal therapy is the most direct path. I consider it the gold standard of childhood trauma healing. But it has the limitations that you need a primal therapist, who has been through it themselves. Their role is to see through all your tricky ego games and roleplaying, and strip you of all your defenses so that you're transported into full, 3D stereo relivings with all the sounds and smells and everything. This is not something an average person with some training can do, they are themselves too neurotic to be able to be so secure, discerning and forceful. Also, Primal therapists are hard to find. I've found some but it was difficult and there are a lot of fake-primal therapists (rebirthers, primal rebirthing, all that crap) Regression therapy also addresses childhood trauma. It has a lot in common with primal therapy, but it puts lower requirements on the guide. The therapist can be neurotic themselves, that's fine as long as they ask the right questions and stay out of the patient's process otherwise. This can also be done alone, although it's harder and not everyone gets traction with it. Jean Jenson and Thomas A. Stone both describe their own methods of self-therapy, recommended reads. It's simple to execute with a willing therapist. The trouble is that often therapists will not fully commit to the process and want to skip steps, they'll want to use hypnosis which is ill-advised for this purpose, and they won't be patient enough to sit back and let the inner wisdom of the patient guide the sessions. Their ego can't handle the fact that they have so little input, besides presence and asking the same questions over and over again. They get bored and want to use the other cool shiny tools that they learnt in their education. Of course there are many counterexamples and you'll be able to find therapists willing to engage in this. This is the main reason for why I'm coaching groups now to be each other's guide and take turns. Psychedelics are hit-or-miss in my opinion, and certainly not the safest, most advisable, or most complete path (in the context of trauma work, not enlightenment). I use microdoses of LSD sometimes combined with the questioning process, and it helps me find and process old pain. Anything beyond a microdose is a really bad idea when doing trauma work, in my opinion. And I don't even advise people the microdose method, because I've seen it go south too, in less than stable psyches, whereas if they had had a little bit more patience and just done the process sober, they would have had better integration and stabilized. There's two theories on how LSD and marijuana can destabilize a psyche: * Stone says that they stir up repressed pain out-of-sequence (too big too soon), which, if the 3rd line (thought/belief structure) can't handle it, will result in hallucinations and strange ideations, because those are actually a last-line defense against actually reliving it. * Janov states that LSD weakens the gates, the neurons firing inhibitory signals at the repressed pain, blocking it from awareness, and this opening of the gates can be permanent. The problem is that those gates are there for a reason, they shield you from the too-big-too-soon pains. This is why LSD creates insight and wholeness (literally opening blockages and reconnecting parts of the memory that were barricaded, which feels like rediscovering part of the self, therefore becoming more complete), but also why it can make you go psychotic (the gates don't shut properly after the trip, maybe they were weak to begin with due to birth anoxia, now some heavy duty trauma is bubbling up that you didn't see coming, and the only thing that the brain can do to make sense of those big monstrous feelings AND STILL keep the real reason out of conscious awareness, is to create hallucinations, to make sense of the feelings. This is what psychosis is, but also how dreams work. If the 2nd line (feelings) IS able to defend against the out-of-sequence trauma that's been unblocked, you're more likely to get an episode of existential depression. If the 2nd line can't make sense of it/defend against it, that's when your 3rd line, thoughts, beliefs and perceptions, will have to adapt, hence psychosis.) @Jodistrict I've read reports that suggests that iboga can put people in touch with their all-knowing inner healing intelligence, which I hypothesize to be the same force guiding the healing process when doing primal therapy or other regression based therapy. The intelligence that selects which pains are ready to be integrated and which are not. Is that what you're referring to? In that case I could imagine it making sense, but I'd mostly expect it to give you information on what memories to work through, rather than working through it in the trip. I'd be curious what you've come to know about iboga and childhood trauma.

Amazing

You’re going to get one random person and the opinions of your dipshit friends stop you from talking to girls? I’m a community like a college campus or a village, spam approaching will eventually get you a bad reputation. You want to play a more indirect, authentic game. Organise social events. Be a leader. Stand out in some way. And hang out with a social group who is actually social, who follow your lead and respect you. Read Models by Mark Manson

Doesn’t seem safe at all, none for me thank you.

Why is it important that she’s black? Is that like a fetish or something, or a bucket list item?

Yes but YOU ARE these things ? and you should OWN it! And some women are not up for that, some of the women will actually properly detect that and reject you for it. and They Should. This is a consensual game after all. This is why you should love rejection, because many women will be up for a night of no strings attached fun, those will not reject player vibes, and those will also not regret sleeping with you.

Seeing spiders is a common side effect of sleep deprivation. So check that you’re sleeping enough. Yes and there’s plenty of medications that can make you see shit as well.

Well you’re not screwed for two reasons: It’s only a risk factor, not a guaranteed illness, otherwise 80% of the population would get a disease in their forties or fifties (most people have childhood trauma, few of them know) You can let the pain out through therapy or self therapy and then the risk factor is gone

Death By Childhood - How Trauma Kills You

@thenondualtankie Awesome share. Symptoms sound a lot like when I had covid. Sorry to hear you hit your head though. My take is that these are memories from in the womb, right before trying to get born. Especially when the baby is ready before the mother is, the infant can get this "imprisoned" feeling that is quite traumatic. Often when people start to dig a bit and remember more, they discover a massive anger towards the mother - for not letting them out. It's so common that "walls caving in" is a common theme in the collective unconscious, it is commonly said to be felt during panic attacks, and many people have a phobia of small spaces. My hypothesis is that this low state of consciousness is similar enough to the state of consciousness of an unborn baby, that it triggers these memories. When I was ill with covid, I also had a lot of old feelings bubble up.

I prefer ejaculation control over birth control. I use condoms + not cumming during the fertile weeks, it doesn't require messing with hormones and also it has the added benefit of retaining more energy. I'm going to delete this post if I become a dad soon Maybe just put those male contraceptive hormones in the drinking water? Until the population size is more favorable. How about that?

I see you've found the Shift key The Enter key is right above it, try it sometime. I liked that description of acting out of need. I might add that acting out of need often comes from subconsciously fulfilling childhood needs in adult life, which doesn't work.

@koyadr3 I understand. It's very common to have resistance against feeling. But feeling your real feelings fully is the only way to get to know yourself, and getting to know yourself is the only way to properly express yourself, and expressing yourself is the only way to get laid and enjoy friendships. This is why I recommend shadow work. And a good therapist, if you can afford it or your insurance will cover it. I spend a lot of time guiding people on how to feel, it's very common to not know one's own emotions, and I see over and over again how it keeps them from knowing what they want in life and getting it. You're going to have to go through it, get to know your own emotions, and work with those. It leads to a fuller and more complete-feeling life. It leads to not feeling inferior, having a calm mind and enjoying talking to women and friends without much worry. I'm assuming that that's what you want. When you've made the decision to face your feelings, let me know and I can point you to some helpful resources.

Well, you already have schizophrenia, how much worse could it get? It definitely tends to reactivate psychotic breaks in people with schizophrenia. The tricky part is that you'll probably have to be off your meds for the psychedelic to even work. So then you'd need somebody to tripsit you and remind you to take your meds again afterwards. And what if you go nuts and refuse? I don't know. It's a risky endeavor but some people do it. Hallucinations and mania are a last defense against devastating traumatic memories resurfacing. You might want to look at working with a trauma therapist to dig some of those out, it has been anecdotally documented to be curative.

It's very much old feelings trying to come up. Daily substance use is almost always self-medicating trauma. I've got an old feeling coming up right now. I can tell because I not only feel gloomy and negative, but I also have mental "pop-ins" from years ago, like suddenly remembering the password for my computer that I had when I was 20, or suddenly feeling transported back there, as an overlay over current daily experience. The subconscious is good at hinting what needs to be processed, if you're in the habit of listening. I'm not doing nearly enough to answer its call in these busy weeks, I should be making time for self-regression multiple times a week. @mrPixel Coffee sucks but I know what it's like to have a substance hold your mental state together. I had that with nicotine. If you can't do therapy or self-therapy, and just want a quick fix, look for supplements that contain citicholine. I use mind lab pro. You can also temporarily take St. John's Wort supplements, they are a natural antidepressant herb. Works very well for me.

Those are emotions. Or rather, negative thoughts stemming from emotions that you’re not fully feeling. you’re not a “chill dude”, you’re repressed. You don’t feel safe or good enough to express yourself. In the company of friends, or strangers, outside you act as a chill dude but inside your mind it’s a horror show. That’s because of emotions. This is why people are recommending emotional mastery to you. This is why I recommend shadow work. You’re very emotional, you just haven’t gained the awareness yet.

I dealt with a lot of that, to the point where I can have a "bad trip" in my mind, sober, with an unsuspecting girl on the couch, lol. Self-amusement is really helpful. I think practicing and commanding oneself to "relax" is difficult and often has the opposite effect. It's much easier to find something funny.

Well, he's not taking up the position of "best friend" anymore. And it can be painful to face that. So he's signalling to you that you need to find a replacement for that, someone who can be there for you when heavy things happen. In my opinion, if he doesn't make any time to see you if you get the news that your dad has cancer, he's no longer a friend. Whether you call him an acquaintance, a former friend or a distant friend is up to you and your standards. What you need to do is hang out with someone else and stop trying with this guy. Let him come to you, but only for real meetings, not zoom calls. Maybe he'll see the error of his ways someday. Don't wait for it though.

Did someone ever tell you there's an Enter and a Shift key?