flowboy

* rolls eyes * Well some of them are going to want to get laid. As they should

Woke up feeling kind of empty and depleted, with some negative thoughts. Which was expected. Did my routine with a nice 30 minutes of meditation, and took a MD. I am determined to get back on track. Got up at : 7:30 Days in a row with morning routine : 1 Number of women approached : 9 Total infield time : 5 hours Total meditation time : 10h40 Speeches given : 2 Books read : 0 Days without smoking : 46 alcohol : 0 caffeine except tea : 0 TV : 0 wheat : 0 grains : 0 sugar : 0 dairy : 0 Porn : 0 Peak Orgasm : 0 Edit: this weird, ominous background sadness is back. Not as strong as it used to be, but I'm clearly in a different space than I was a few days ago. I blame it on the peak orgasm and wheat. And maybe the MDMA hangover still a bit. It seems that one peak orgasm, I get weaker. A few more, I get dependent, needy and negative. Several more, and well, today is what happens. I have been crying a bit in the break during work even! I do not feel like a 26 year old man, but rather like a boy. The masculine sense of direction is not there at the moment. Now this is not scientific because I haven't eliminated all the variables. Yesterday I ate some bread for the first time, so that actually looks more like bread causes me to feel sad and weak. The thing is, I just want to feel like the awesome version again and improve my life from a place of strength. No time for disciplined experimentation. I'm just going to do all the things that I know are making me feel better.

Some questions to ponder that might help: Would you do it if no one else was doing it? How would you feel if having kids was mandated by law? Relieved? Trapped?

So I'm noticing today this all-too-familiar feeling of everything in my mind being jumbled and unclear. Never fully being awake or close to lucid. Not ready to take on the world's challenges. Lazy. Needing a lot of sleep. Tomorrow I'm starting my renunciation practice again. And I shall be RELAXED about it this time

Troll alert. No human being is this ridiculous. Let's not waste our energy

I don't. If women were attracted to crybabies imagine what hell the world would be.

I came up with this remedy: I will write down this affirmation 15 times every morning: , until it no longer feels special and rare that I get along with a girl and that she's interested in my thoughts. That should feel normal. More abundant.

Thank you guys for sharing your views and not holding back.

I don't have it completely clear yet, but I do get the sense that what's happening has to do with the reason I decided that I shouldn't be in a relationship for a good while. Every time I meet someone, something in me goes: "OH MY GOD WE ACTUALLY GET ALONG THIS IS SO RARE, PLEASE STAY" Maybe it's not that rare.

Went out to a restaurant and had noodles that in hindsight probably were made of wheat. Gotta be more mindful of that. Interestingly, I can immediately feel the addictive properties of such foods: I am immediately craving to eat the rest of the crackers. To fill my belly with grains. Yesterday night I revisited some old patterns: watched some Netflix and drank alcohol before bed. Well, the patterns are not that old. Did not set an alarm and slept so late that there was no way to do my morning routine without being obscenely late. So I skipped. Something amazing is happening though: where in the past this regression would have driven me into panic and depressive feelings, and caused me to lose all my self esteem, today I'm fine. Those feelings are still there, but less strong. They are based on an assumption that if I don't punish myself, I will never keep it up. That seems less true. I have more trust that I will go back to my good habits. And so I can stay relaxed. Which is amazing. Also I tend to have this perfectionistic, all or nothing mentality about it. Obsessiveness. I'm either eating perfectly and completing ALL of my routines, or I'm fucking up and deserve punishment. No middle ground. Today, I didn't find time for meditation or yoga, AND YET I did a quick prayer before leaving for work. I drink coffee and eat cheese today, AND YET I politely declined the birthday cake. This middle ground would not have been possible for the neurotic me from a month ago. It makes me feel like I can actually sustain this. That maybe the first fuckup doesn't mean I lose motivation and quit forever. Which was the fear I had. Paradoxically, this straying from the path I set is turning into a milestone. The blissful, grateful, humble feeling is still with me. I want to just be very relaxed to everyone and enjoy being. I just want to listen to this with happy tears: Got up at : 9:00 Days in a row with morning routine : 0 Number of women approached : 9 Total infield time : 5 hours Total meditation time : 9h50 Speeches given : 2 Books read : 0 Days without smoking : 45 alcohol : 0 caffeine except tea : 0 TV : 0 wheat : 0 grains : 0 sugar : 0 dairy : 0 Porn : 0 Peak Orgasm : 0

I did NOT want to hear this but it turns out that you're right. It triggered a lot of "this is not fair - why can't I just authentically show interest without girls losing attraction" feelings.

@ajasatya I had been arguing with myself whether to use spaces over tabs Thank you for reading! Makes me feel extra motivated and supported. Yes, I would like to make a longer alcohol streak soon. There are some things I really don't like about it.

Today I realize the importance of staying RELAXED Euphoria Feeling touched / blessed / godly / humble / euphoric listening to rainbow songs, teary eyed, just happy One of those moments where you realize how neurotic you've been all that time, and see how easy and blissful life can be if you let go of blaming yourself for things forcing yourself harshly to do certain things needing your life to be a certain way Having to do things Needing results Resisting how you feel Resisting what happens Negative stories you create about your life and hold as truth Judging yourself Absolutely fucking euphoric. Just by hearing the music. If I close my eyes and put my fingertips together, it's like I feel this life force flowing through my entire body. I have slight closed eyes visuals as if I'm on psychedelics. Body awareness is continuously pretty high, and I'm letting go and relaxing even more every time. I think the yoga and leo's guided meditation had a hand in this. Also my exercise and going running. Above all, I feel so much LOVE. The kind of love that is not dependent on what happens to me. Ego Backlash I had friends over and I felt like having some cold beers in the weather. I knew that beer would knock me out of ketosis, but I cared more about enjoying my day and not feeling restricted. Also, I was still feeling shaken by a girl that rejected me, so I felt like drinking and complaining about women. After that, I figured I may as well eat some sushi, which has rice, which has carbs. Drank a good amount of strong liquor and went to a restaurant, where I could have just eaten the vegetables and the meat, but I chose to also enjoy the fries. It is important to note that I'm writing this without a shred of anger or frustration towards myself. I have a fear that if I don't keep up the diet perfectly, I won't be motivated to keep it up at all. And I'm facing that fear. The best part is still to come. Blissful Lesson We took molly at a party. It was in a public indoor swimming pool that was transformed into a party venue with a DJ booth, a bar, and a rolling crowd. I think it's a great idea. Swimming felt amazing. Also there were plenty of hot girls there. I knew I wanted to push myself to approach, and I did. Mdma does not take away approach anxiety and excuse-making by the way. I had some glorious rejections where I swam up to the girl to say hi, and they would instantly turn away as a group. Happened several times. I remember thinking: "Well, if I can enjoy this, I'm golden. How much worse could it get?" I also remember connecting to a stunningly hot girl over yoga and meditation. I remember stumbling through some initial skepticism (' bitch shield') and her warming up to me. The drug made me feel so content that it seemed unnecessary to try and kiss her (regrettably in hindsight, because we could have and it would have felt amazing). Throughout the whole night I contemplated several times how neurotic the impulse to force myself to approach feels. And how such things could also flow naturally. That it's okay to just enjoy swimming and dancing. That to focus on feeling good in your own body is way more valuable than keeping up a conversation and trying to force it to go well. Thanks to this party, I now have a positive reference experience of effortlessly meeting an unbelievably pretty girl, and feeling a connection immediately. Without being afraid of her. Without pressure. Just fun. I got a strong "summery" sensation that there's infinite attractive people to connect with, so I don't have to worry about the individual interactions, and can just see how things flow. This feeling is still with me today (2 days later). I feel less intimidated by going out alone now, and actually am looking forward to it. Didn't Lose Integrity Here's the best part: being at a wild party, with alcohol and inhibition-releasing drugs in me, and my friend desperately begging people for cigarettes, I still didn't join in. All I would have had to say, was "Yeah, sure, me too. It's sooo enjoyable in this state, so let's make an exception". I expected myself to do that. I did not. The next day I made my friend go running with me, and I still felt amazing and energetic. Did my entire routine with yoga and meditation, albeit in the evening. Here is where I started to have this sensation of humbleness and being permanently grateful to God for being alive in this body that feels so great. I think my daily prayer is really helping. Cheat Day I had a craving for some yoghurt, and I already had some cheating momentum from the weekend, so I decided to see how it would make me feel. A few months ago, a cheat day would have involved processed food, sugary stuff, cake, wheat bread, processed meats. Did not touch those Ironic how what I considered a healthy meal a few months ago is now a 'cheat day'. Full-fat yoghurt, buckwheat crackers, cheese. The yoghurt with the fruit was really good. But I could feel it like a brick in my stomach. The crackers contain little to no gluten, so it makes sense that I'm not getting brainfog and sleepiness. Still I feel uncomfortably full and heavy and tired. And bloated. Yes, and unmotivated. I have an intuition that keeping up all my dietary rules perfectly would be running away from the part of me that wants to feel free and unrestricted. I have a working theory that it's better to try to 'integrate' that part and give it some space in a controlled way. By eating some foods that I'd rather not eat, but are also not the worst. Such as yoghurt, and wheat-free crackers. And drinking only very sometimes. So I don't mind having to reset some counters (except smoking) every now and then, as long as I get right back on the wagon. Got up at : 8:30 Days in a row with morning routine : 3 Number of women approached : 9 Total infield time : 5 hours Total meditation time : 9h50 Speeches given : 2 Days without smoking : 44 alcohol : 0 caffeine except tea : 0 TV : 14 wheat : 43 grains : 0 sugar : 0 dairy : 0 Porn : 0 Peak Orgasm : 0 Edit: oh god, the sluggishness. I'm so slow and improductive because I'm digesting all this lactose and grains. I'm happy with this getting to experience the difference, and knowing that my diet isn't nonsense, but actually makes a massive difference I know how to solve this problem now, which is awesome.

I have a theory that my breaking my no-peak orgasm streak had a hand in me getting needy. I feel frustrated. The girl doesn't seem too interested anymore, and the whole dynamic is all messed up now because I've made myself too available. After missing a morning routine yesterday, I decided to start counting them. I will count the dramatic monologue from the play as a speech. Why not! Got up at : 10:00 Days in a row with morning routine : 1 Number of women approached : 2 Total infield time : 30m Total meditation time : 9h35 Speeches given : 2 Days without smoking : 42 alcohol : 1 caffeine except tea : 0 TV : 12 grains : 41 sugar : 3 dairy : 17 Porn : 0 Peak Orgasm : 0

Hmm, yes. Quite a relief to be reminded that the most important thing is to be genuine, and that doesn't require overthinking. I am considering these options: Leave her alone today and ask her to hang out later this weekend, if it fits in my plans Leave her alone forever and never make plans unless she initiates Try to meet up with her today, because that's what I would like and this waiting game is manipulative and silly

Yeah, kinda forgot about that, so true! Every time I'm infatuated I tend to fuck it up, though. Trying to be mindful this time

Hmm, it feels like you're hitting the nail on the head here. Thank you

So I decided last minute to do an extra scene solo, in the play we did with theatre class. A dramatic monologue. Went great. I'm quite proud of that. I'm getting needy with the girl I slept with. It's getting out of hand. I texted her that I like her when I was drunk. I'm texting her every morning, for way too long. I am addicted to getting responses from her. She's making no effort whatsoever to impress me. Why, why can't I just be cool now? To be fair, she's very smart and witty and we get along great. So that's why my instinct is to keep her around. But not going about it the right way. I have too little faith, I think. A part of me is in a hurry to create a situation where we have feelings for each other and get kind of clingy. Because that's the way I'm used to keeping in touch with girls? This smells a lot like trying to re-create the patterns with my exes that I'm trying to avoid. I need it to be love. Why? It's A. not healthy and B. not working. I have to interrupt this.

I drank alcohol again, this time not as a calculated exception, but just because I felt tired and overloaded and I thought it would help me socialize. This was two days ago. I had a headache the entire day, yesterday. This is why I don't drink often. Because I value my mind. And my brain health. Also I bought hummus that I found out had sugar in it. I got angry because it's the kind I like, so I ate it anyway. Reset sugar counter. Avoiding sugar is damn hard in this society. But I'm learning the tricks of it every day. Sour pickles instead of sweet-and-sour pickles, for instance. I'm sticking to my morning routine, except one time I couldn't finish it on time. But I notice that immediately after waking up, I'm already thinking about stuff I promised myself I would do. I still make daily schedules, but I put too much on it. So, I'm doing too much. Things I promised people to read, update resumé, study lines for acting, driving lessons I have to study for, events flowing out of all things I do, that I have to do stuff for and communicate with people, and I'm not handling it well. I overuse green tea, I undersleep. I feel like I'm doing everything badly because of too little time. I don't like this feeling at all. I'm tense all over my body. I will become better at deciding to not do things, even though they feel important. I will do my morning routine without looking at my messages in between, or anything else for that matter. Sorry, recruiter, I'm not responding to your email for a week. I have to update my resumé, and to do that I need time that I just don't have. This is crazy. Probably I will heavily edit this post later, because I'm barely coherent at the moment. This is how hobbies turn into obligations and into stress. I get it now. I don't even have time to organise my photos or respond to fucking text messages properly. I might drink coffee to get through tonight. I might drink alcohol to calm down. I will not smoke, of course. And after that I will remember that overloading myself leads to substance abuse and bad times. So cut your to-do list before it cuts you. I don't know if I like that. Got up at : 7:00 Number of women approached : 2 Total infield time : 30m Total meditation time : 9h25 Speeches given : 1 Days without smoking : 40 alcohol : 1 caffeine except tea : 12 TV : 10 grains : 39 sugar : 1 dairy : 15 Porn : 53 Peak Orgasm : 3 Also I had like 5 items on my to do list that I planned to do yesterday evening. But yesterday evening I tried and could not focus because I was too tired mentally. So I thought I would do it this morning. Surprise surprise I did not wake up at 5am. So I went to work, even a bit late, planning to do 5 tasks during work hours! That's crazy. I even got quite far with it, but again, no time to finish anything. And the thing I was reviewing for a friend turned out to be too late, which was an extra bummer. During work hours, I only want to have to think about the work project. Focus is one of my values. So don't plan stuff under work time. I felt like I had to.

Followed. I used to have ADD so this is interesting and very relatable for me!

What went not so well Last Saturday I had a date and we stayed up until 7. I decided to drink alcohol that night too. Also my no-peak orgasm-streak didn't stand a CHANCE The next day, I we had only slept for maybe an hour, and I completely forgot about my morning routine. Also, I haven't thought about how to handle that when there's people around: I don't feel like praying aloud. So I ended up skipping that day. What went well Got up at 7:25 on my own! Did a quick version of my morning routine and arrived at work before 10, for the first time in weeks. The sleeplessness helped me to decide to go to bed early yesterday. I hit the gym first, which helped me relax. So despite the weekend, I'm still moving towards respecting my sleep, I think. Timelogging is not at all as stressful as I imagined it to be. I discovered it has an added benefit: setting an intention. If I have to input what I'm going to do beforehand, and the timer starts running, I'm then more motivated to stay focused. Apart from the alcohol, I managed to keep up my diet, even though I had bought snacks and soft drinks for guests. This used to be hard for me to stay away from, and often I felt compelled to either throw it out or eat it all. Today, I'm not even considering touching the crisps or coke. Resolutions I'm going to split off Porn as a separate metric, because there I still have a long streak. I'm not increasing the 'Women Approached' number because this one approached me. The timelogging project has been going on for over a week now, so I'm excited to see the report on where I spend how much time. I will share it here soon. I will keep up timelogging. I will drop acting class. I'm doing too much. I will think about not going to every Toastmasters evening, in favor of studying for my driving test. Next time I wake up around people, I will do my entire routine, and the prayer can be silent if I'm more comfortable with that. Stats Got up at : 7:25 Number of women approached : 2 Total infield time : 30m Total meditation time : 9 hours Speeches given : 1 Days without smoking : 38 alcohol : 1 caffeine except tea : 10 TV : 8 grains : 37 sugar : 25 dairy : 13 Porn : 51 Peak Orgasm : 1

Tell her you're not a therapist and stick to talking about meditation. Before it's too late

If I'm coming for a meditation lesson, I don't expect life advice. Sounds like you enabled her getting side-tracked, and then you yourself got side-tracked because giving advice feels good. If someone is being vulnerable with you, you have to be masculine and responsible and protect the boundaries of what can happen in a situation. No matter what feels good in the moment. The hug was already going too far. Would you expect your dentist to hug you? What's next, a kiss on the cheek? You may think I'm being ridiculous but I'm serious. This failure to protect professional boundaries is also how inappropriate relations start between student and teacher, therapist and client. And therapists don't hug.

Took another step to better sleep: installed f.lux on my laptop. I'm looking at a yellow/reddish screen right now. I think if I just keep taking actions towards sleep hygiene, I will come to see myself as a person who values sleep. And that will get me to a well rested life eventually. Exercised my ass off, which also helps me feel tired, and had a very busy day overall. Got some interesting feedback from my Men's Group on how neurotic I'm being with this whole approaching women thing. Have to let that sink in. And, I took some business action today: Bought domain name Chose hosting option Requested quote on app building software. I can't WAIT to start programming for MYSELF for a change! Very exciting. Got up at : 8:00 Number of women approached : 2 Total infield time : 30m Total meditation time : 8h20 Speeches given : 1 Days without smoking : 34 alcohol : 6 caffeine except tea : 6 TV : 4 grains : 33 sugar : 21 dairy : 9 Porn and Peak orgasm : 47

Followed. I'm hoping to do something similar in a different niche. I'm not as far along. I'm looking forward to read about your progress!