flowboy

Why do you want to get past this? What's wrong with this? What would improving your life look like, in your case? Write a few pages about how such an improved life for you would look, in as much detail as possible. In fact, commit to editing and adding to this document every day for the next month. That's what I did to get new motivation. Works like a charm.

Trip Report 30g Golden Teacher truffles What do I want to create? What do you mean, create?! There is already everything! I am already everything! I AM THE COFFEE! It's the next morning. I'm slightly bothered by people addressing me with my name (let's say Flowboy). As a separate person. I have to remember how to play that character. I want to be alone. Or at least not be talked to. It's exhausting to be put back into the Flowboy role. This is a report of a trip with what ended up being 30 grams of Golden Teacher sclerotia (psilocybe cubensis truffles). According to the internet, this is roughly equivalent to between 5 and 8 grams of shrooms. I bought two packs of 15 grams. B, A and me sit down on the floor around a candle, in a triangle, holding hands. We each say a prayer. Then A and me start consuming the shrooms. I took a "full" dose of 15 grams, then portioned out another dose of 10 grams for later, and set a timer for an hour, to decide whether we want to go deeper. Spoiler alert: I take all of it. T + 1:00 As soon as we're both feeling it, and are feeling sort of stable, I suggest taking a walk. We want to see some nature. Our sitter B is on board. This is right around the 1 hour mark, I discover, and I'm sure I want to kick it up a notch. I eat most of the 10 grams and leave some for after the walk. This is just what felt right. There's a hair in my mouth. This is a persistent sensation I keep having and remarking about throughout the night. Also happened to me on acid. I briefly wonder whether it is a good idea to up the dose and go outside at the same time, but I decide that the concept of good and bad idea doesn't make sense and I should just trust. I'm sitting at the lake, marvelling at the WILD nature visuals. Branches, trees are growing before my eyes. The other side of the lake is alive with growth. Everywhere I look is life sprouting. I am a part of nature. A. is standing right behind me and stroking the sides of my head with her fingers. But they are not her fingers. They are the tentacles of the organic Universe nature entity that is connecting through her and me. Tickling her tentacles through my consciousness, inviting me, sucking me up, penetrating my identity. I let go. "Take me" I think. With my eyes closed I see morphing green octopus arms / plant branches / tree roots, crawling and grasping at me. I can feel the energy running through A, her hands, me, and the ground. "This is just foreplay", I think. [A had the exact same experience of connectedness, her hands connecting to me but not JUST me, but Everything.] It's not personal. It's not about little me and little her. Source showed us that we are the same. I wouldn't describe it as loving, because even though we were connecting to something infinitely good, it is very different from the egoic feeling of personal love. Like the universe loves Flowboy, but could also kill him or make him suffer, and then that is good. We're leaving the lake. I remark that "you" and "I" and places to go are concepts, and how I would like to let go of them. But, "I can't completely let go, because I need them to go somewhere. You need your ego to move places and make things happen." A understands. Several bushes stick their leaves out at my face and say hi to me. I have wordless conversations with them. Their structure seems infinitely deep. I talk to several tree branches like that and say "Bye!" to them as we walk on. "Is it me or is it getting kind of dark! B, is it dark? I have no idea! HAHAHAHA" I laugh maniacally and start skipping through the street. The street is now overgrown with magical flowers the size of me almost. The size of the street is exploding with fast growing magical-feeling bushes, plants and flowers. I'm skipping through Wonderland. I remark: "I could worry about people looking at this guy, acting weird, but I'm gonna let that go!! It feels so much better to just let that go!" I laugh a deep rumbling laugh. I am no longer Flowboy. I am an expression of infinite love. Periodically throughout the evening, I jump up and down and clap my hands like a happy child. The questions I wrote down instantly lost all significance. What do I want to create? "I"?? That's so silly. There is already everything! I am everything. Nothing is needed. There is nothing to be done. Everything is already perfect as it is. It doesn't matter what I think! I fall back into the carpet in surrender. A trust fall into nothingness. Ecstatically shouting: "It doesn't matter what I think. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I THINK!! :D" I'm standing in the kitchen with a tea bag in my hand. And a cup. Puzzled, I attempt to put one into the other. "I" am putting "the tea bag". I start explaining to B how you need these concepts to do things. The concept of tea and the concept of I. Separateness. But I would rather let go of concepts for now. Concepts create the illusion of separateness. But you need them for tea. I have always existed, and will always exist. Infinity. It's infinite. It's perfect. EVERYTHING IS ALREADY PERFECT AS IT IS I created it perfectly. I did good. It's impossible to worry. Who is worrying about what? Fear needs to be relative to something. There is nothing to fear. I am supposed to take it all. To see. If there is nothing to fear, why not go see? TRUST!! I state that I will be back and walk to the table where I left the remaining 5 grams. Smiling, I start eating them, alternating them with strawberries. Let's see. The term "ego death" comes to mind. I start contemplating this. Is that what's supposed to happen? There is nothing to fear baby. Nothing to fear. Everything is an expression of love Laying on the floor. Flowboy is drawing his last breaths. I put his hands together in front of his chest. Stretch his body out. Symmetric body posture. His breath is extremely slow now. Throat is partially closed. [Later I draw a parallel to what I think yogic breathing is] I could stop it, it wouldn't matter. There is the sensation that A is trying to prevent me from dying. Holding my hand, touching me, trying to interact with my body. She doesn't understand. But that's fine. I feel like not cuddling anymore and focus on putting my arms and legs in a symmetrical position. "Just let me die", I think. "It's okay." The sensation of his teeth in his skull are all that's left of Flowboy now. His hands have melted into the carpet. His body and the carpet and the room, it's all one thing. All made of the same stuff. I created it perfectly. It's all an expression of love. The vague, rudimentary, blurry, cartoonish shapes that make up the corner of the window. They expand. The corner of the window are now all there is. I AM the corner of the window. How could I forget. The corner of the window is ME!!! I dreamt all this up. The last place Flowboy looked (corner of the window) now zooms in and it is everything. I am the corner of the window. No more separateness. No more me. [ Later I wonder whether this is what is meant by satori ] A deep laugh rumbles from Flowboy's lifeless body. I remember feeling vaguely like: "The Flowboy would find this freaky and cool. Right now there is no one here to have an opinion, so no room for judgment, but he would." The infinite expression of love needs to pee. The thought arises to comfort A, laying beside me. Should I leave her alone? I chuckle at that ridiculousness. She is an expression of me. She feels what I'm doing and thinking. No need to use words and pretend we're separate. Stumbling through a world of blurry cartoonish shapes, I dream my Flowboy to the bathroom. I've been there before. I've been there all along. I lean against the wall and instantly melt into it. I stick Flowboy's arm through the wall. It doesn't exist. Whether Flowboy is actually in the bathroom is the wrong question to ask. I feel A. I am her. Still on the carpet. Right. I was playing a game. The "Flowboy has to pee" game. Seems unnecessary, because everything is already complete, there is nothing to do. But let's amuse myself. The colourful blurry cartoon hands take Flowboys dick out. It's glistening and shimmering like it just sparkled into existence. Surrender. All there ever was, and ever will be, is this infinite moment, of trust, and surrender, surrender, surrender. There is no bad, just infinite flavours of good. There is no no, just infinite yes'es. I realize I'm alone. I've always been alone. This doesn't feel lonely, just surprising. I forgot that this has always been me, playing with puppets. Entertaining and playing a cosmic joke on myself. I am pretending to be A, and B. And Flowboy. And there is no time. I created this universe, made out of me, to tell myself stories with. The ending of one of the stories was Flowboy taking 30 grams of truffles. That was always going to be it. The closing of the book. Desert Dwellers is playing. [Which is now my absolute favourite trip music.] At this point it is so loopy and repetitive and trance inducing that I become really convinced that time is either standing still, or never existed, and it's one of the jokes I made to myself I'm sitting at the table filled with food, but I don't have a body. It has dissolved. The chair is empty, in a way. I'm transparent. I put my hand through the table. Wave it through the strawberries. If I concentrate, I can will a hand into existence, to pick up the strawberries and the orange juice. Distraction. Who is distracted by what? Separateness. Illusion. I look back into A's eyes at the same time that she also looks up. Her hand mirrors my hand movement. I'm fully convinced now that we are one. Expressions of the same. Using language to pretend we're different characters with separate minds is a fun, but unnecessary game. We're remembering that we're the same. There is a conversation going on. With me. And me. Since always. And forever. I have always existed. There is only One. There is only Love. That's the answer. I dreamed all this up to entertain myself. To experience myself. And I suppose I also forgot about it to kid myself, for fun. I look at A's blurry cartoon face and I AM her face. She/I looks at me. She/I remember. She/I were kidding ourselves/myself for awhile, but now we/I know. There is tea in front of me. SEE!! I NEVER NEEDED TEA. I AM THE TEA. MY CUP WAS FULL TO BEGIN WITH. I am the tea. I dream up a hand and start eating curry with it from the bowl. That's so funny. Curry eating itself. A made it. I don't personally remember it, but that means I made it. Looking at A, I confirm: "We did good. We made it perfectly. I love you." Even that seems so unnecessary to say. I'm talking to myself. A says: "Now I have that sensation of a hair in my mouth!" It makes sense to me because I am her. I look in her eyes, at her face and again this zooming-in happens. They're my eyes. My face. There is only One here. We know it. [She experienced this oneness and connectedness similarly. We had to get used to being separate people later ] A asks to make preparations for bed. I smile. There is nothing to do. It's already done. A asks to get naked and feel skin contact. I'm already here. It is unnecessary. A asks to give her a massage and stand/walk on her back. I'm puzzled: why would I walk on my own back? But why not. Let's humor myself and play something with the A and Flowboy characters. I massage A's back with Flowboy, and put Flowboy on top of her. Then I let A ask him to lie down on her back, and make Flowboy do it. Our hands connect and I honestly don't know which of the arms/bodies I am. We've always been one. Just consciousness playing with itself. A is coming out of it and starts thanking me for bringing her along in this experience, saying it was part of my purpose. This deeply puzzles me. I'm so wrapped up in believing that we are one mind, that her calling upon the separate Flowboy confuses me. Slight paranoid thoughts come up that there was once a Flowboy but he is destroyed because he took shrooms and permanently merged his mind with his tripping partner. I'm not worried though. I let her lead me upstairs to my bed, of which the shape is still sizzling and half-materializing, but getting more and more solid. A book is on the night stand: Conversations with God. This strikes me as a synchronicity because I just remembered that I'm God. But that means I put it there. ====== Next morning, A suggests to listen together to an audio recording of some spiritual guy channeling Bashar, talking about the same stuff that we experienced. Could help us ground it. I hesitantly agree, but it turns out well. One insight from that really made so much sense to me that I had to write it down: Source is creating different characters to experience itself. The sense of separateness, the egos, is what create self awareness. The first reflection. ====== That really feels true as being the purpose of egos. It intuitively made sense to me, because "as Everything" I at one point felt, well, bored? Not quite. But yes to differentiate into separate people would be a good thing. I've heard some guy say, or read somewhere, that after experiencing satori, you realize that what you want isn't satori. D arrives and greets us with hugs. There is this nice calm presence and trust. I can feel the Flowboy having preferences, but that's just what they are. They have no bearing on the present moment and are not to be taken too seriously. There is trust that whatever comes is good. When D is looking at me, and gesturing, I feel myself making those gestures. When A looks at me and talks, I feel her mouth moving. I feel like I've seen the fabric of reality unweave and put back together. I wonder what is beneath the skin of my beautiful talking partner. I imagine her transparent, an infinitely thin layer. She's describing an Ayahuasca trip in color and detail. Interestingly, she mentions that she's not sure whether I'm real, in front of her, or whether she's dreaming me. I know what she means. In the train station. In between a mass of people moving their legs. I am moving all of my legs. What a freaky, and pleasant sensation! I am a gigantic creature with infinite legs crawling through the train station. The sense of identity just expanded. Standing across from strangers, I have a newfound empathy. Flowboy is worried about the stranger being freaked out by too much eye contact. But I also have apprecation for the stranger, experiencing an impression of Flowboy. A sense of impartiality. Arriving home, I run into 3 people I know at the train station. A guy I know from improv class, a girl I dated a week ago, and a girl I dated 13 years ago. This strikes me as a synchronicity. The number of lost acquiaintances contacting me/spontaneously running into me has been ramping up noticably in the past week.

I'm amazed at the power of letting go of 'I SHOULD (be)' beliefs Suddenly, I feel capable of so much more!! A weight lifted off my shoulders. A door unlocked. I feel capable of having cheat days in a diet, and being happy about it! Something I couldn't imagine before. Not saying I will. But I could. I suddenly, in an 'aha'-moment, realized how people are able to work on one habit at a time. It's because they feel already good enough. For about 13 years I've been trying to implement entire stacks of habits at once. Many times I've convinced myself logically that one or two at a time is plenty, and the best strategy, but it just wouldn't work for me. I couldn't imagine trying to do less. Because I wanted to feel valid, give myself that validation. And I needed to be perfect for that. Probably I'll want to start doing The Work regularly. If letting go of shit like this is this powerful. Wow. Maybe I could just pick the moment of my day where I felt the most uncomfortable and start from there. We'll see.

So I've been making an identity out of following a diet perfectly, being perfectionistic about self development, being better than normal. To compensate for this perceived lack. Self discipline as a way to feel special. This has been going on since I was in my early teens and was given a book "Seven habits of effective teens" by Sean Covey. I vowed: I will implement all these seven habits, and that will stop me from feeling inferior. After this realisation, I had (and am still having) a very blissful afternoon doing nothing in particular. I drank coffee and refactored some code. For my job. In unpaid time. I would normally have felt guilty about not spending this unpaid time on my own stuff, but fuck it. I had an idea, and it was enjoyable to execute it. I decided that I'm not banning coffee forever. It does something very good for my coding abilities. Rather, I'll keep it as a secret weapon. Not drink it daily, but about once every two weeks, in moments where I really could use a boost in work motivation. I drank the alcohol free beer that I forbid myself to touch because it's related to wheat. Yeah, I probably won't buy it again soon, and no, I'm not going back to eating bread. But it just feels great to be able to really enjoy the taste, without feeling guilty for making an exception. The thought arose to smoke (as long as we're breaking rules), but I was happy to notice that I still don't want to harm myself. I had a very blissful and inefficient walk home. Not worrying about being time-efficient, like usually. Enjoying every step. Smiling. Not being very social towards my neighbour, who asked how I was doing. Not beating myself up over that. Sitting at my computer, researching some stuff. My room is a mess that I've been avoiding. But right now I can really enjoy being lazy. It's like a cascade of subtle habitual beating-myself-up-moments that are now losing their power. I don't need to "be" anything to feel valid. Tomorrow I'm doing a psilocybin trip. My intention is to, if I have a chance, contemplate these questions: What am I trying to achieve? How do I want to take care of my inner child? What do I want to create? Where am I a perfectionist? What is the reason for perfectionism? What would it be like to let that go?

@tsuki Thank you for reading and responding! What do you mean by practices? And I'm also curious to know what you mean by being concerned with formality. I'm wondering what to do with this realisation. Is there action to take?

So I've been pushing too hard and overcomplicating my life, wanting to do way too many things at a time (as is my nature). And now I'm in this state of constantly feeling guilty. And that in itself is interesting. Because really, all these things like strict daily meditation, yoga and workouts are nice-to-haves. I believe in the immense benefits of them, and am only selecting habit goals that I truly believe in. But I shouldn't be feeling like shit when I don't do them. Yeah, that's basically been my life since I got into self development at a way too young age. An everpresent dark cloud of feeling like shit because I'm not doing everything I think I should. Digging Up Some Dirt Why am I doing all this stuff in the first place? To make up for something. A perceived deficit. The following is me examining some motivations that I've been overlooking. It's ugly, so brace yourself. This was very cathartic for me to write. I wanted to meditate and practice concentration daily, because i'M NOT ENOUGH BECAUSE MY CONCENTRATION SUCKS I'm not enough because when my energy to focus runs out, and I'm overwhelmed, I can't be social and conversations with me are short and awkward. I'm not good enough because I can't be interested in and focused on other people all day. I'm not good enough because I can't bear to be at a party with strangers for more than 3 hours, after which I need a break from talking. I'm not good enough because that way, I may never be good at pickup or making friends. I'm not good enough because I don't have the concentration skills to be focused all day, so I could never hold a high position at a company or have any demanding, high paying job. Let alone run a business! I'm too chaotic and unfocused for that. That makes me not good enough. I'm not good enough because the previous point would mean I could never become a high-status individual, call up my high school class mates who were mean to me / looked down on me, and go: "HA HA!! SEE?! YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT ME!!" I wanted to learn to become good with girls. But, I'm not that bad with girls, at all. I'm doing better than the average male. No, what I secretly wanted is to become SO good with girls, that I can go back to every SINGLE girl that rejected me and/or was mean to me in highschool, apply my skills, and have sex with them. Be validated. Not be rejected this time. Doesn't matter if they are married by now, I'm just going to go systematically look up every single girl from highschool that I had a crush on and couldn't get, make a giant list, devise a master plan to fuck each and every one of them, and that would be my life. The nerd's revenge. [ I know it seems like I'm exaggerating. I'm really not. This is SCARY real. There's a part of me that believes that this is actually what I'm going to do with my life...] Oh god? So strange to actually write this down. This shit has been in the background of mind semi-daily, but in the shadows. So it's very familiar, but I've never shone a light on it. Haven't ever spoken of it or written it down. It's been my little secret. Well, not so little. I've been holding on to this Nerd's Revenge Master Plan like Smeagol to The Ring. MY PRECIOUSSSS. Thinking that this is instrumental in motivating me to become my best self, and in the end, be happy. Not just happy, happier than everyone else who used to laugh at me! To WIN!! To let go of this secret master plan would mean to accept my past, in a way. To accept that I was unpopular and a social outcast in the past, and that there's nothing I can do to change that. Yikes! It's like I have this hole in my garden, filled with garbage. Every time something happens that confirms that self image of the awkward little kid who gets laughed at, hated, bullied, rejected, something that could be taken as a sign that I'M STILL THAT KID THAT i CAN'T ACCEPT, I put more crap in the hole and I push it down. If it doesn't fit, I stomp on it, run it over with a car, whatever I can do to make it fit in the hole, and make the garden look even. But, more and more work is going into pushing it down. And it's been rotting and smelling bad. People who visit my garden are wondering what I'm hiding. Maybe. Are they?! Time to clean out the hole. My garden is uneven. Can't hide it anymore. I could put flowers in it or something ?

I'll be happy when... Good enough when... * all my habits are implemented? When did I decide that to be good enough I had to be organized, meditating daily, everything... I'm still adding to the pile of requirements. I don't feel entitled to have fun or enjoy myself, now that I'm not doing my morning routine. How can I do things like meditate daily, without feeling like I'm not good enough when I "fail"? It would require another kind of motivation, besides the neurotic one (I should). How do I tap into that though? I just remembered that I have a whole document with my overarching vision, and detailed reasons for all the habits and goals. I remember being much more intrinsically motivated when I was editing that document daily. Ironically, it's a habit. Better add that back in to the morning stack. Lesson learned: being motivated is continuous work. If I stop that work, only the neurotic motivation (guilt) remains. Another thought: is there a way I could work on my own project every day? To feel more aligned with that project as a main goal, throughout the week? "Don't let the burden of yesterday's learning affect today. You can start a fire once, from scratch, and maybe get lucky, and then maybe not be able to start it for the next four times. What are you going to do, think that you've lost all hope? No, you just keep trying to make fires, and eventually you get better!" - Aubrey Marcus

@Pallero Like stick to a heathy diet? Go to the gym? Are you seriously suggesting to not push past resistance and give up? Or do you secretly have a problem with cold approach and your agenda is to try to get people to stop? By trying to convince them that they don't want to in the first place? I'm really struggling to view this comment as something constructive, given that this is a self-improvement forum.

No, not at all. I've never heard of that from any man. Personally I feel sleepy or hungry and emotionally quite cold and nonattached right after.

The Universe is joking with me a bit, and I can kind of see the humor. My door handle broke. It took 5 (!) attempts to lock my bike. My regular girl is becoming doubtful and flaky. The girl who I was looking forward to seeing the most, and who I thought was very solid, cancelled permanently for mental health reasons. Universe: Do you get it yet?! Me: "I think so...? Ha, ha." *stealthily wipes tears* The ego-mind has once again found something to attach itself to. The having girls around thing seemed permanent, so the ego said: "MINE!!" and slapped a label on it with its name. And it started protecting it. Stressing about keeping this new status quo. But I'm still here. There is some sadness, some anger, some frustration. Some relief. Monday was also weird. Universe was like: "You think you're good with girls now? Here, have a night of falling totally into someone's frame, being milked for validation and having your balls handed to you." Alright, I get it!! Nothing is mine, about me, or because of me. There are no good and bad events. And the ones I happen to like exist by the grace of the Universe. No use building an ego around them because they can be ripped away at any time. I've been a fucking narcissist. And I've lost my sense of humor, I noticed. Too busy stressing about girls flaking me. Better RELAX

I was going to write all sorts of negative sounding musings here, but then I realised that they don't matter. Let's just say that I stopped meditating and I'm looking forward to starting again. What Went Well I had someone over who ordered a delicious looking and smelling pizza and ate the whole thing in front of me, and I didn't have one bite. Just a loose piece of pineapple. She also drank 3 beers in front of me, and kept offering because she had picked it out just for me! A month ago I wouldn't have been able to say no to that. This time it was quite effortless. I had one very tiny sip, just to taste it. I bought a sleeping mask as part of my continuous efforts to improve my sleep. I feel like it helped a bit. Got up at : 9:00 Morning,Evening,Night routine streak: 0 One Approach A Day streak : 0 Eating within 9 hour window streak : 0 Number of women approached : 25 Total infield time : 12h20 Total meditation time : 13h45 Speeches given : 2 Books read : 0 Currently reading : (168/232) Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al. Days without smoking : 80 alcohol : 15 caffeine except tea : 17 TV : 0 grains : 28 sugar : 18 dairy : 34 peak orgasm : 0 porn : 37

The chaos aspect of dating is getting to me a bit. Hot girl that I connected with on every level, made out, was super down after the first date, randomly decided to ghost me. I was really getting my hopes up. (Maybe she made a deal with her friend?) Woman who I had set up an explicit sex date with (it was her being so open with those desires) cancelled on the same day, for the second time. I decided to tell her off. In hindsight, that was not necessary, could have just ignored. It was the sign of "it getting to me" Unattractive girl who I gave a chance anyway because her personality is fun, flat-out rejected me because I wasn't gentlemanly enough to walk her to the door/bus stop. Well I stand by that, I had stuff to do. But still. I thought it went really well. Extremely hot girl who I exchanged numbers with, clearly has a low opinion of me and is now mocking me for pursuing her My regular managed to cancel-and-postpone a date 4 times on the same day. Clearly losing respect for me, or testing. Extremely hot girl who I had a very solid dinner date and makeout with, responded nicely (although late) to my messages, never had time to meet up and now flat-out told me that she's not looking to date and not to get any ideas. Just many other girls who I had high hopes of randomly stopped responding. Some got offended/turned off by a vulgar joke that I thought was very funny at the time So I realize all this is part of it, and the more I can appreciate that and let go, the better things will be. But yes, it's a roller coaster. Constant getting my hopes up, thinking I have it in the bag and it's going to happen, then getting those hopes crushed. I'm learning... that you never know what's going to happen. A great time and great connection afterwards doesn't mean you'll see or hear from the person a week later, apparently. I know I'm sounding a bit like I'm complaining. I'm not in full self-pity mode: actually I'm happy that I'm learning. Just venting a bit about the unexpected harshness of the reality of dating

Girls do this when they see their friend is getting attracted and might do something "slutty". So could be a sign that you were making headway. Great persistence man!

@SunnyNewDay This is a totally different question. Belongs in your own topic.

I'm about to walk into the grocery store when I see her, standing outside. Smoking a cigarette. Blonde, freckles, tall, slim. So pretty that I feel like I don't even deserve to take up her time. I panic and continue into the store. Then something in me goes: "FUCK IT. You have to learn this. Yes, it's going to be awkward, possibly even humiliating. You have to learn to tolerate that." I go back outside and hesitantly approach her. Now she must know I don't feel high value compared to her. But fuck it, that ship has sailed. I mutter something about seeing her in my instagram feed (??), she says she's seen me around the gym. She works there, in the store. But she's studying to be a lawyer. Criminal law and sensational stuff fascinates her. I joke that she can defend me later. I ask her name. We shake hands. She says she has to go into work now. I ask: "what's my name?" and she goes: "Oh, dunno, I don't remember shit like that" ? During the whole conversation I feel like I'm using a fake voice (a weird, bitchy sounding one apparently) and I'm pretty (not completely) blocked in what I authentically want to say. I do manage to say something about her freckles, because I was honestly thinking about them, and state that I think it's cute. It doesn't land. By that time she's too weirded out. Plus there was never really a hook point. The whole thing was a an awkward mess, but a beautiful awkward mess. Because it's my mess. I feel a bit surprised in how hard it is to be myself and flow freely with people I think I don't deserve. But overall, I'm very, very proud that I saw a stunner and just went up cold. Got up at : 8:30 Morning,Evening,Night routine streak: 0 One Approach A Day streak : 2 Eating within 9 hour window streak : 0 Number of women approached : 24 Total infield time : 12h20 Total meditation time : 13h45 Speeches given : 2 Books read : 0 Currently reading : (168/232) Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al. Days without smoking : 77 alcohol : 12 caffeine except tea : 14 TV : 0 grains : 25 sugar : 15 dairy : 31 peak orgasm : 4 porn : 34

Just came back from a friend's going away party. Just before I went there, I felt suddenly my energy drop and like I had these bags under my eyes, which I did, and needed to sleep. This was around 9/10 ish. Decided to go anyway. Had a good time. So 3.5 hours of social interaction when I'm dead tired... Still, it was nice and met a pretty girl who I had decent interactions with. Actually, I had great fun with everyone there. I'm a pretty social guy for a few hours, even when zombified. It's like because I'm conducting my emotions more efficiently, and worrying less about bullshit, I still had energy left to be social. I realised: I need to organise things with groups of friends. Have a more active social circle. Yes, it will cost me time, but it's a very relaxing element of life to have friends you can just banter with. Maybe once a week is plenty. It will bring balance to my life. Not just girls are important.

I'm peacefully catching up on email, and I feel efficient and focused. Nice flow. Compared to Ritalin: less stressful less euphoric more sustainable just as motivated even more efficient, because distractions don't boundlessly interest me like on amphetamines Ingredients: Working out every day this week (running + gym today) Mental peace from having done my daily approach already and being 'on track' in general 1tsp magnesium, 1/2 tsp lo-salt, 1/2 tsp salt Green tea Dark chocolate Fish fried in much coconut oil

@RawJudah I feel ashamed for being so unnecessary harsh on you man. Kind of want to delete my post, but that would be inauthentic. Back to the subject. Yes and no. My working theory is that your green and yellow thinking will help you avoid the toxic parts of Orange, and keep a more mature view while working through it. The wisdom will also help to not get stuck in it too long, and avoid some pitfalls. So I think it's a benefit. But in the end, it simply is. I'm in a similar position, 26 and just starting to admit to myself that I need to go get some material success and fulfill some basic needs, before I can go meditate in a cave or whatever. I was confused for a long time. Yes, I've been pissed off at myself for taking action so late. The being pissed off was ever present for the past year. I can tell you, taking action is freeing. I'm nowhere near on track, but just the fact that I'm making time for these things regularly was so cathartic for me. The self hate quickly dissipated. Now I'm just humbled and motivated. I think and hope you will have a similar effect pretty soon. You can go meet strangers in a mindful way. The flow you get from it can be a spiritual experience. So you don't have to put everything on hold I think. Plus, to be good with women you need to have a purpose, or an interest that you will choose over women. If spirituality is that, great. So the fact that you will not cancel your meditation for a date for example, will actually help you massively. I think if you look for synergies, there will be plenty Short answer: yes. The information itself is mostly true, but the bitterness behind it is what's toxic. Read/watch with a double mental condom, if you must. Although I recommend learning from sources that have a positive energy behind their message. RSD for example has the same info, but zero bitterness. They love women.

@RawJudah My sincere apologies then, I'm having a bad day because of text game trouble. Guess I couldn't see you were joking because of that. Congratulations on your action taking! Really impressive how quickly you pulled the trigger. Exciting stuff!

@bejapuskas That's true and has nothing to do with my point. I am objecting to @RawJudah asking for advice, receiving advice from dozens of people, and then arguing against it. What's the point of asking then.

@RawJudah What, we're supposed to convince you to do pickup now? If you don't like the answers you got from the people here, you are free to do whatever you want. Did the Buddha go on internet forums for advice about his repressed sexual desires? Did Gandhi go on internet forums for advice about his repressed sexual desires? Did Jesus go on internet forums for advice about his repressed sexual desires? My take is you're scared to go meet women, and would much prefer to just sit at home, meditate and physically and mentally masturbate while you compare yourself to the Buddha. Have at it. I'm out.

Caffeine unaddiction complete. I feel like I took a limitless pill, crushed it up, snorted a few crumbs and flushed the rest out of fear for addiction. But I didn't. I drank magnesium water. What the fuck. I suppose I'm just happy to be working in a good flow with reasonable focus and clarity, without having to drink coffee until I'm twitching all over. This is what was possible all along?! Not even green tea today. Not even spirulina. I noticed that the dark chocolate I ate (like 1/3rd of a bar) was followed by a half-hour dip in focus and willpower. Perhaps that's a little hard on my digestion the same way gluten is. I should limit it even more. Had a thought this morning: everyone seems to be assuming that everything they eat or drink has to taste good. Like, how naive is that. Why, after decades of stuffing yourself with bread and pastries would you think your taste buds would even recognize healthy food? "If I don't like it, I'm not doing it" You know what, I will judge whether I like something by how it makes me feel after, not during. [/rant] In other news: I'm sleeping better. I think. The nighttime ritual is helping, no devices on is helping, the magnesium is DEFINITELY helping. And the not ingesting a stimulant that takes forever to flush out, aka coffee. I'm pleased

Got up at : 7:05 Morning,Evening,Night routine streak: 0 One Approach A Day streak : 2 Eating within 9 hour window streak : 0 Number of women approached : 21 Total infield time : 12h15 Total meditation time : 13h45 Speeches given : 2 Books read : 0 Currently reading : (165/232) Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al. Days without smoking : 74 alcohol : 9 caffeine except tea : 11 TV : 0 grains : 22 sugar : 12 dairy : 28 peak orgasm : 1 porn : 31 There was a bit of cheese on the carpaccio I ordered at the restaurant two days ago. I am not resetting my dairy counter for that. To clarify: I try to not go out to eat a lot When I do, I pick the dish that seems to fit in my diet. If none, then I don't eat there. I don't force myself to ask the waiter for ingredients. There maybe some sugar in the sauce here, some starch there. I don't worry about it. Any side dishes that clearly don't fit, I don't touch. For example potato chips and bread, sides of cheese, cookies you get with tea. I draw the line at picking stuff out of my food. Or asking the staff to do that. And if a dish is meant to be eaten with sauces, I will try some of them. I suppose this is my version of a cheat day. I don't eat outside my diet on purpose, but if it happens by accident, fine. I'm not going to make my life extremely difficult to prevent that.

@tsuki Bookmarked and saved That's fucking insightful wow So it's a game of "Let's practice distracting ourselves from what we don't want to see, together"

I can feel my neurons firing faster. My thoughts are fast and to-the-point. My movements are efficient and effortless. I've been feeling all morning like I'm in some superhuman state of functioning. But I think I'm just catching up to my potential, by eliminating foods that cause me depression and brain fog, and working out in the morning AND getting my minerals balanced. Wow. Intermittent fasting I started drinking my mineral water with lemon juice and maca powder, without realising that that counts as food. Any nutrients count as food, that's why when intermittent fasting you don't drink tea or coffee outside the eating window. Because that too activates your metabolism. MAN I'M TYPING FAST I will count it this time as a beginner's mistake, and tomorrow only do water until 12.