flowboy

@LoveandPurpose Thank you, I appreciate you reaching out! I will watch it and see if it applies!

It ended up being 7 minutes of meditation at 3 a.m. ... But still! It led to more good things, like going to the gym this morning and buying better food for myself (smoked trout, tuna in olive oil and coconut yoghurt with blueberries and pieces of coconut). Something Duncan Trussell said hit me: "Not too tight, not too loose" It's easy to go from "everything is perfect the way it is" to "it doesn't matter if I eat bad food and don't exercise" It's a paradox, and I can't resolve it. You're absolutely perfect the way you are. But you could do more.

Looks like we're wrestling similar things, at least the smoking part. Best of luck on your journey! Followed.

Today seems a nice day to try the dreaded "meditation after work" thing.

I was scared to click because it would be uncomfortable for me to learn discrediting information about Leo and have to stop taking his content seriously, but quickly found out that there is nothing to fear. This guy is mostly reacting emotionally and whining how he doesn't like the way Leo presents his ideas. "Who do you think you are to tell me this and that" and the like. Pretending not to hear Leo saying to not take anything on faith but verify for yourself. And then telling his listeners to 'learn from their own experience', like that's contradicting Leo (it's not). Well, okay. I've certainly been there. For a guy at that level of thinking he's expressing his ideas in an okay manner. Everything has a place. Sounds delicious!

I'm going back to my original method. Documenting my behaviour because awareness alone creates change. All these insights are great, but I'm not above addiction. Yet, or maybe ever. Having something important to do certainly helps. But many successful people smoke or overcaffeinate themselves. So to live a healthy lifestyle goes nicely with living with purpose, but it still needs vigilance. Got up at : 9:15 Morning,Evening,Night routine streak: 0 One Approach A Day streak : 0 Eating within 9 hour window streak : 0 Number of women approached : 25 Total infield time : 12h20 Total meditation time : 13h45 Speeches given : 2 Books read : 0 Currently reading : (168/232) Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al. Days without smoking : 0 alcohol : 2 caffeine except tea : 0 TV : 0 grains : 0 sugar : 0 dairy : 0 peak orgasm : 0 porn : 0

I feel you. I also am on a break currently. I'm currently thinking that cold approach works best for me when it's not one of my main most-serious goals, but a side thing I do for fun and is very low pressure. But that theory will have to be tested.

That was inspiring and beautiful to me!

I didn't go back to smoking. I'm eating a mix of what I consider to be super healthy, and some sinful things like pudding and chocolate here and there. My routines I'm not using right now, but hoping to go back to them soon. Currently my studio is too messy to properly do yoga anyway. Or cook healthy food. But all of that doesn't matter because... I spent the entire day yesterday building my app idea! It doesn't do anything yet because that shit takes time. But that's not the point. The point is: I spent my free time productively and creatively, working on something that I believe in. For myself, not for my employer. My conclusion is that as long as I'm doing that, I can feel good enough without getting laid, eating super clean, sticking perfectly to my habits, et cetera. I can even be late for appointments, forget about things and people, miss workouts, all my vices. Doesn't matter. I'm not trying to run away from something bottomless anymore. I am wearing the pants of purpose. ???

Fuck that for now. What do you think? It is more powerful to do what you think is right, and find out for yourself.

This is my tip. Be consistent with it. Add a little bit to it every day for a month, until you have a beautiful outline of an amazing life you could have in some years, describing every facet of it. Detail the friends you will have, the girls you will fuck, the work you will do, the habits you will have, the places you will visit, the books you will have read, the food you will eat. Details. Specifics. It doesn't all have to come true, but if you keep it vague you won't inspire yourself. Dare to dream. Watch Leo's video on victim thinking again. Then re-read this thread again and count your limiting beliefs. Count how many times you say: "I can't, because X" Now don't worry, you are showing willingness to try things so you'll grow out of it at your own pace. But be aware of it.

Express it. You've already concluded that you can't suppress it, that doesn't work. But you can find an expression for what comes up, share it openly with your environment and that will be transformational. The example of walking by yourself and tripping: maybe you can shout at someone: "You didn't see that!:D" I have practiced this in a relationship for a long time, which helped me a lot. Every time I would detect that I subtly manipulated the situation, I would talk about it. "Babe, I have to admit that I just said X because well I meant it but also I was hoping a little bit that it would cause you to do Y" But also outside of a relationship, you can express these egoic tendencies to friends and strangers. It's very healing. "Man, I feel weird being the first one here" "Actually, I'm lying, I think your idea is awesome, I just wanted to play it cool, ha ha" "No, I'm trying to listen but man this isn't really my cup of tea. Can we talk about me again ha ha" You can express anything honestly if you use humor.

I understand not having time for a lot else besides your degree. But you certainly have time to start writing your vision. Thinking it will be different when you're older is a trap. Being 26 feels exactly the same as being 20, I can tell you that. There's no magical certainty or direction that just comes with age. You won't believe the power of repeatedly writing down what you want your life to look like. Make a document right now. Add a little bit to it every evening. Or morning. Start small and add more detail gradually. Add your wildest dreams. This is what creates motivation. Getting up is easy when you know what you're doing it for. If you start right now, you'll benefit from it right now. It helped me immensely.

@Zigzag Idiot @tsuki You have no idea how much I needed to hear some comforting words like that! I'm tearing up. Thank you.

Ego Backlash I feel shame, disgust, sadness. I smoked again. I made it 85 days and then yesterday I had 1 cig, and just now 1 again. There have been many triggers/cues over the past weeks, and I was able to ignore them successfully. Although a craving and a certain curiosity had been building. Then I made a mistake: I smoked a nicotine-free tobacco substitute. Thinking I could safely do that since it was nonaddictive. But it felt wrong and raised my cravings for the real poison. And still I didn't consider touching cigarettes until after the amazing shroom trip. After feeling so godly, I convinced myself that I could try it again because I was 'above' addiction now. More bullshit I told myself: I've been too neurotic with rules and that means I should be able to break all my rules and be okay with not sticking to it perfectly Well, sure but doing self-destructive behaviour on purpose, just to practice forgiving myself for that is backwards and stupid I've had my ego too wrapped up in my 'perfect' healthy living rules, so it's a good experiment to break that down I'm okay with a cheat day in the diet once in a blue moon, but that doesn't extend to doing addictive and harmful drugs again The difference between cravings and authentic desires is confusing / there must be a reason I have this impulse now That was just a lie. I was aware that it felt like a bad idea, but all the godly feelings had me in a place of arrogance where I thought I could do no wrong Just to see what it is like, and confirm to myself that it is not at all as good as I imagine it Why prove to myself something I already know? And damage my body in the process? To confront the fear of having to start over Mission accomplished. I was proud of being over 80 days clean. Now that's gone. And this is good how exactly? I live in the moment now. If today I smoke, tomorrow that doesn't matter anymore. Because time doesn't exist Cool story bro. Explain that to the doctor while discussing your lung X-rays I cringe at the stupidity of the above excuses but I'm committed to being honest here. I almost didn't want to write it here, to not disappoint people maybe reading this who may have been inspired before. Also, I ate sugary food again, watched porn again, drank alcohol, coffee, ate dairy and bread, basically I went on a trying-all-forbidden-things rampage. Effects: bloatedness, farting, stomach cramps, low energy, lethargy, couldn't sleep, low self-esteem. And I feel anxious. I scared myself that I might actually not 'make it'. I feel little hints of the sad, slightly depressed, ungrounded version of myself creeping back in. I'm starting over immediately. Knowing what I know now, hopefully not falling into the same trap of thinking I'm above addiction now that I had an enlightening trip. But, the cravings are going to be intense for the next couple days. I'll try not to hate myself too much.

A remark that on the surface seems just an expression of victim thinking, but is actually very profound! People used to live in small tribes, with tight bonds between each other. Nobody had to think so hard about life purpose, because in a tight-knit group it comes natural to make yourself useful and serve each other. Your friends would wake you up, to hunt or do work. And you'd be naturally motivated and excited to help, because the connections are so tight and they do the same for you. Stop looking for a disorder. Your lack of a tribe is your disorder. You must find yours or create one.

@MrDmitriiV The words below may offend you, but realise that I could not speak of these things if I hadn't been guilty of them myself. You sound like me, when I was in puberty and just discovering that my daddy didn't know it all and wasn't perfect. You're kicking and rebelling against an authority that doesn't claim to be one. Leo says in almost every video that he's not a guru and to not take his word for anything but to go see for yourself. But your need to rebel against an authority is so strong, that you are willing to overlook all that and just "invent" an authority to kick against! This screams daddy issues to me. Or at least some sort of emotional immaturity. How old are you? Realise that you are free. No one is telling you what to do. Can you even handle that? How addicted to rebelling against authority are you really? Are you using this behaviour to distract yourself from the responsibility of making your own choices? Because that's what it looks like to me. And I get it. Choosing to invest in a practice is ultimately scary as hell if you aren't accustomed to trusting your gut. Why? Because explanations only give you an illusion of safety. There is never a guarantee that something will work for YOU, not even if a thousand scientific studies proved that it works for 99% of people. It still could be a waste of time for YOU, or fuck you up even. Explanations are what you're trying to use to escape this scary fact, that you can't be sure ultimately. Learn to trust your gut. See, that there is ultimately no other way to make a choice, without making yourself a victim. If your gut says to smoke potatoes for a year, absolutely do it. But it doesn't, does it?

@Patrick Lynam Obviously, you are correct here. You can do this, and it works great. Leo's videos could have told you that. But why do you need so much confirmation? Take them only if you're willing to bear the responsibility for the consequences. There is great potential, but no one here can guarantee for you that nothing bad will happen. Dare to make your own choices. If you're not okay with the risk, or you feel not in the right place for it, stay with the slow and safe path, like mainstream therapy. @Patrick Lynam And follow PsychedSubstance on youtube. Watch his videos. He presents a very careful and balanced view, and all the information you will need.

Incorrect. Psychedelics are one of the least addictive substances and are in fact the most successful remedy used to CURE addictions. Look up Iboga. Or the recent studies on using mushrooms to cure depression and addiction. Incorrect. I live in the Netherlands, and all the traditional psychedelics are illegal here. Clearly, you are. Just in denial Incorrect. They have a healing power that is unheard of in mainstream psychotherapy. But, they're a double edged sword. Use them for escape and they will punish you. But we're not talking about using them for escape, are we. We're talking about the therapeutic use. This is a strawman, you're expanding your flawed concept into ridiculousness. Demonstrating your poor understanding of them. Actually, ALL my psychedelic experiences have greatly and dramatically improved my mental stability and health, to the point where my loved ones are remarking they can't BELIEVE how much I've changed for the better. I'm sorry that you never experienced this benefit.

You're contradicting yourself. Being "open minded" only for the topics that make you feel good and fit comfortably into your existing world views, is not open mindedness at all, it is cowardice. If you were open minded enough to look into understanding what religion is truly about, you wouldn't hate it. You would be neutral. Wherever there is emotion around a topic, that is where you have the most to learn. I'm saying this as a former religion hater. And no, I didn't get sucked in That which you most need, will be found where you least want to look - Carl Jung

Why do you want to get past this? What's wrong with this? What would improving your life look like, in your case? Write a few pages about how such an improved life for you would look, in as much detail as possible. In fact, commit to editing and adding to this document every day for the next month. That's what I did to get new motivation. Works like a charm.

Trip Report 30g Golden Teacher truffles What do I want to create? What do you mean, create?! There is already everything! I am already everything! I AM THE COFFEE! It's the next morning. I'm slightly bothered by people addressing me with my name (let's say Flowboy). As a separate person. I have to remember how to play that character. I want to be alone. Or at least not be talked to. It's exhausting to be put back into the Flowboy role. This is a report of a trip with what ended up being 30 grams of Golden Teacher sclerotia (psilocybe cubensis truffles). According to the internet, this is roughly equivalent to between 5 and 8 grams of shrooms. I bought two packs of 15 grams. B, A and me sit down on the floor around a candle, in a triangle, holding hands. We each say a prayer. Then A and me start consuming the shrooms. I took a "full" dose of 15 grams, then portioned out another dose of 10 grams for later, and set a timer for an hour, to decide whether we want to go deeper. Spoiler alert: I take all of it. T + 1:00 As soon as we're both feeling it, and are feeling sort of stable, I suggest taking a walk. We want to see some nature. Our sitter B is on board. This is right around the 1 hour mark, I discover, and I'm sure I want to kick it up a notch. I eat most of the 10 grams and leave some for after the walk. This is just what felt right. There's a hair in my mouth. This is a persistent sensation I keep having and remarking about throughout the night. Also happened to me on acid. I briefly wonder whether it is a good idea to up the dose and go outside at the same time, but I decide that the concept of good and bad idea doesn't make sense and I should just trust. I'm sitting at the lake, marvelling at the WILD nature visuals. Branches, trees are growing before my eyes. The other side of the lake is alive with growth. Everywhere I look is life sprouting. I am a part of nature. A. is standing right behind me and stroking the sides of my head with her fingers. But they are not her fingers. They are the tentacles of the organic Universe nature entity that is connecting through her and me. Tickling her tentacles through my consciousness, inviting me, sucking me up, penetrating my identity. I let go. "Take me" I think. With my eyes closed I see morphing green octopus arms / plant branches / tree roots, crawling and grasping at me. I can feel the energy running through A, her hands, me, and the ground. "This is just foreplay", I think. [A had the exact same experience of connectedness, her hands connecting to me but not JUST me, but Everything.] It's not personal. It's not about little me and little her. Source showed us that we are the same. I wouldn't describe it as loving, because even though we were connecting to something infinitely good, it is very different from the egoic feeling of personal love. Like the universe loves Flowboy, but could also kill him or make him suffer, and then that is good. We're leaving the lake. I remark that "you" and "I" and places to go are concepts, and how I would like to let go of them. But, "I can't completely let go, because I need them to go somewhere. You need your ego to move places and make things happen." A understands. Several bushes stick their leaves out at my face and say hi to me. I have wordless conversations with them. Their structure seems infinitely deep. I talk to several tree branches like that and say "Bye!" to them as we walk on. "Is it me or is it getting kind of dark! B, is it dark? I have no idea! HAHAHAHA" I laugh maniacally and start skipping through the street. The street is now overgrown with magical flowers the size of me almost. The size of the street is exploding with fast growing magical-feeling bushes, plants and flowers. I'm skipping through Wonderland. I remark: "I could worry about people looking at this guy, acting weird, but I'm gonna let that go!! It feels so much better to just let that go!" I laugh a deep rumbling laugh. I am no longer Flowboy. I am an expression of infinite love. Periodically throughout the evening, I jump up and down and clap my hands like a happy child. The questions I wrote down instantly lost all significance. What do I want to create? "I"?? That's so silly. There is already everything! I am everything. Nothing is needed. There is nothing to be done. Everything is already perfect as it is. It doesn't matter what I think! I fall back into the carpet in surrender. A trust fall into nothingness. Ecstatically shouting: "It doesn't matter what I think. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I THINK!! :D" I'm standing in the kitchen with a tea bag in my hand. And a cup. Puzzled, I attempt to put one into the other. "I" am putting "the tea bag". I start explaining to B how you need these concepts to do things. The concept of tea and the concept of I. Separateness. But I would rather let go of concepts for now. Concepts create the illusion of separateness. But you need them for tea. I have always existed, and will always exist. Infinity. It's infinite. It's perfect. EVERYTHING IS ALREADY PERFECT AS IT IS I created it perfectly. I did good. It's impossible to worry. Who is worrying about what? Fear needs to be relative to something. There is nothing to fear. I am supposed to take it all. To see. If there is nothing to fear, why not go see? TRUST!! I state that I will be back and walk to the table where I left the remaining 5 grams. Smiling, I start eating them, alternating them with strawberries. Let's see. The term "ego death" comes to mind. I start contemplating this. Is that what's supposed to happen? There is nothing to fear baby. Nothing to fear. Everything is an expression of love Laying on the floor. Flowboy is drawing his last breaths. I put his hands together in front of his chest. Stretch his body out. Symmetric body posture. His breath is extremely slow now. Throat is partially closed. [Later I draw a parallel to what I think yogic breathing is] I could stop it, it wouldn't matter. There is the sensation that A is trying to prevent me from dying. Holding my hand, touching me, trying to interact with my body. She doesn't understand. But that's fine. I feel like not cuddling anymore and focus on putting my arms and legs in a symmetrical position. "Just let me die", I think. "It's okay." The sensation of his teeth in his skull are all that's left of Flowboy now. His hands have melted into the carpet. His body and the carpet and the room, it's all one thing. All made of the same stuff. I created it perfectly. It's all an expression of love. The vague, rudimentary, blurry, cartoonish shapes that make up the corner of the window. They expand. The corner of the window are now all there is. I AM the corner of the window. How could I forget. The corner of the window is ME!!! I dreamt all this up. The last place Flowboy looked (corner of the window) now zooms in and it is everything. I am the corner of the window. No more separateness. No more me. [ Later I wonder whether this is what is meant by satori ] A deep laugh rumbles from Flowboy's lifeless body. I remember feeling vaguely like: "The Flowboy would find this freaky and cool. Right now there is no one here to have an opinion, so no room for judgment, but he would." The infinite expression of love needs to pee. The thought arises to comfort A, laying beside me. Should I leave her alone? I chuckle at that ridiculousness. She is an expression of me. She feels what I'm doing and thinking. No need to use words and pretend we're separate. Stumbling through a world of blurry cartoonish shapes, I dream my Flowboy to the bathroom. I've been there before. I've been there all along. I lean against the wall and instantly melt into it. I stick Flowboy's arm through the wall. It doesn't exist. Whether Flowboy is actually in the bathroom is the wrong question to ask. I feel A. I am her. Still on the carpet. Right. I was playing a game. The "Flowboy has to pee" game. Seems unnecessary, because everything is already complete, there is nothing to do. But let's amuse myself. The colourful blurry cartoon hands take Flowboys dick out. It's glistening and shimmering like it just sparkled into existence. Surrender. All there ever was, and ever will be, is this infinite moment, of trust, and surrender, surrender, surrender. There is no bad, just infinite flavours of good. There is no no, just infinite yes'es. I realize I'm alone. I've always been alone. This doesn't feel lonely, just surprising. I forgot that this has always been me, playing with puppets. Entertaining and playing a cosmic joke on myself. I am pretending to be A, and B. And Flowboy. And there is no time. I created this universe, made out of me, to tell myself stories with. The ending of one of the stories was Flowboy taking 30 grams of truffles. That was always going to be it. The closing of the book. Desert Dwellers is playing. [Which is now my absolute favourite trip music.] At this point it is so loopy and repetitive and trance inducing that I become really convinced that time is either standing still, or never existed, and it's one of the jokes I made to myself I'm sitting at the table filled with food, but I don't have a body. It has dissolved. The chair is empty, in a way. I'm transparent. I put my hand through the table. Wave it through the strawberries. If I concentrate, I can will a hand into existence, to pick up the strawberries and the orange juice. Distraction. Who is distracted by what? Separateness. Illusion. I look back into A's eyes at the same time that she also looks up. Her hand mirrors my hand movement. I'm fully convinced now that we are one. Expressions of the same. Using language to pretend we're different characters with separate minds is a fun, but unnecessary game. We're remembering that we're the same. There is a conversation going on. With me. And me. Since always. And forever. I have always existed. There is only One. There is only Love. That's the answer. I dreamed all this up to entertain myself. To experience myself. And I suppose I also forgot about it to kid myself, for fun. I look at A's blurry cartoon face and I AM her face. She/I looks at me. She/I remember. She/I were kidding ourselves/myself for awhile, but now we/I know. There is tea in front of me. SEE!! I NEVER NEEDED TEA. I AM THE TEA. MY CUP WAS FULL TO BEGIN WITH. I am the tea. I dream up a hand and start eating curry with it from the bowl. That's so funny. Curry eating itself. A made it. I don't personally remember it, but that means I made it. Looking at A, I confirm: "We did good. We made it perfectly. I love you." Even that seems so unnecessary to say. I'm talking to myself. A says: "Now I have that sensation of a hair in my mouth!" It makes sense to me because I am her. I look in her eyes, at her face and again this zooming-in happens. They're my eyes. My face. There is only One here. We know it. [She experienced this oneness and connectedness similarly. We had to get used to being separate people later ] A asks to make preparations for bed. I smile. There is nothing to do. It's already done. A asks to get naked and feel skin contact. I'm already here. It is unnecessary. A asks to give her a massage and stand/walk on her back. I'm puzzled: why would I walk on my own back? But why not. Let's humor myself and play something with the A and Flowboy characters. I massage A's back with Flowboy, and put Flowboy on top of her. Then I let A ask him to lie down on her back, and make Flowboy do it. Our hands connect and I honestly don't know which of the arms/bodies I am. We've always been one. Just consciousness playing with itself. A is coming out of it and starts thanking me for bringing her along in this experience, saying it was part of my purpose. This deeply puzzles me. I'm so wrapped up in believing that we are one mind, that her calling upon the separate Flowboy confuses me. Slight paranoid thoughts come up that there was once a Flowboy but he is destroyed because he took shrooms and permanently merged his mind with his tripping partner. I'm not worried though. I let her lead me upstairs to my bed, of which the shape is still sizzling and half-materializing, but getting more and more solid. A book is on the night stand: Conversations with God. This strikes me as a synchronicity because I just remembered that I'm God. But that means I put it there. ====== Next morning, A suggests to listen together to an audio recording of some spiritual guy channeling Bashar, talking about the same stuff that we experienced. Could help us ground it. I hesitantly agree, but it turns out well. One insight from that really made so much sense to me that I had to write it down: Source is creating different characters to experience itself. The sense of separateness, the egos, is what create self awareness. The first reflection. ====== That really feels true as being the purpose of egos. It intuitively made sense to me, because "as Everything" I at one point felt, well, bored? Not quite. But yes to differentiate into separate people would be a good thing. I've heard some guy say, or read somewhere, that after experiencing satori, you realize that what you want isn't satori. D arrives and greets us with hugs. There is this nice calm presence and trust. I can feel the Flowboy having preferences, but that's just what they are. They have no bearing on the present moment and are not to be taken too seriously. There is trust that whatever comes is good. When D is looking at me, and gesturing, I feel myself making those gestures. When A looks at me and talks, I feel her mouth moving. I feel like I've seen the fabric of reality unweave and put back together. I wonder what is beneath the skin of my beautiful talking partner. I imagine her transparent, an infinitely thin layer. She's describing an Ayahuasca trip in color and detail. Interestingly, she mentions that she's not sure whether I'm real, in front of her, or whether she's dreaming me. I know what she means. In the train station. In between a mass of people moving their legs. I am moving all of my legs. What a freaky, and pleasant sensation! I am a gigantic creature with infinite legs crawling through the train station. The sense of identity just expanded. Standing across from strangers, I have a newfound empathy. Flowboy is worried about the stranger being freaked out by too much eye contact. But I also have apprecation for the stranger, experiencing an impression of Flowboy. A sense of impartiality. Arriving home, I run into 3 people I know at the train station. A guy I know from improv class, a girl I dated a week ago, and a girl I dated 13 years ago. This strikes me as a synchronicity. The number of lost acquiaintances contacting me/spontaneously running into me has been ramping up noticably in the past week.

I'm amazed at the power of letting go of 'I SHOULD (be)' beliefs Suddenly, I feel capable of so much more!! A weight lifted off my shoulders. A door unlocked. I feel capable of having cheat days in a diet, and being happy about it! Something I couldn't imagine before. Not saying I will. But I could. I suddenly, in an 'aha'-moment, realized how people are able to work on one habit at a time. It's because they feel already good enough. For about 13 years I've been trying to implement entire stacks of habits at once. Many times I've convinced myself logically that one or two at a time is plenty, and the best strategy, but it just wouldn't work for me. I couldn't imagine trying to do less. Because I wanted to feel valid, give myself that validation. And I needed to be perfect for that. Probably I'll want to start doing The Work regularly. If letting go of shit like this is this powerful. Wow. Maybe I could just pick the moment of my day where I felt the most uncomfortable and start from there. We'll see.

So I've been making an identity out of following a diet perfectly, being perfectionistic about self development, being better than normal. To compensate for this perceived lack. Self discipline as a way to feel special. This has been going on since I was in my early teens and was given a book "Seven habits of effective teens" by Sean Covey. I vowed: I will implement all these seven habits, and that will stop me from feeling inferior. After this realisation, I had (and am still having) a very blissful afternoon doing nothing in particular. I drank coffee and refactored some code. For my job. In unpaid time. I would normally have felt guilty about not spending this unpaid time on my own stuff, but fuck it. I had an idea, and it was enjoyable to execute it. I decided that I'm not banning coffee forever. It does something very good for my coding abilities. Rather, I'll keep it as a secret weapon. Not drink it daily, but about once every two weeks, in moments where I really could use a boost in work motivation. I drank the alcohol free beer that I forbid myself to touch because it's related to wheat. Yeah, I probably won't buy it again soon, and no, I'm not going back to eating bread. But it just feels great to be able to really enjoy the taste, without feeling guilty for making an exception. The thought arose to smoke (as long as we're breaking rules), but I was happy to notice that I still don't want to harm myself. I had a very blissful and inefficient walk home. Not worrying about being time-efficient, like usually. Enjoying every step. Smiling. Not being very social towards my neighbour, who asked how I was doing. Not beating myself up over that. Sitting at my computer, researching some stuff. My room is a mess that I've been avoiding. But right now I can really enjoy being lazy. It's like a cascade of subtle habitual beating-myself-up-moments that are now losing their power. I don't need to "be" anything to feel valid. Tomorrow I'm doing a psilocybin trip. My intention is to, if I have a chance, contemplate these questions: What am I trying to achieve? How do I want to take care of my inner child? What do I want to create? Where am I a perfectionist? What is the reason for perfectionism? What would it be like to let that go?

@tsuki Thank you for reading and responding! What do you mean by practices? And I'm also curious to know what you mean by being concerned with formality. I'm wondering what to do with this realisation. Is there action to take?