flowboy

@Eminent11 Sounds like you're doing quite a lot of work on that, good on you! I'm zooming in on that because I recently had an experience of healing some early trauma, and I was really stunned to how much it had been controlling me. You don't miss it till it's gone. Suddenly I have hardly any worries or neurotic thoughts when I'm on a date. Or with friends, for that matter! So because of that, suddenly my eyes are opened to the possibility that most self-esteem problems and trouble in dating may be directly linked to trauma from younger years. I just came back from a week of Primal Childhood Deconditioning and I feel reborn. If you are willing to invest in the cost of a workshop and a LOT of physical and emotional energy in working through your childhood/adolescent trauma, then you can feel almost like it never happened, in a week of hard work and many, many, MANY emotional purges. It's been absolutely lifechanging for me. I really have no words. It's like trying to explain psychedelics to a person who's never been in an altered state. Except that psychedelics are NOTHING compared to how meaningful and deeply healing this week has been for me. If it could help you, I wouldn't want you to miss out. I went there because I felt "held back", like I was pushing really hard to be more social, have a better dating life, and face my nervousness around public speaking, and all these things, but I still was feeling like I didn't 'deserve' to be doing that well, and was destined to keep backsliding. Like my superego, deep inside me was certain that I was supposed to be a neurotic person, not the awesome version of myself that I envisioned. It's still very fresh and the dust hasn't settled yet, but I can already feel some profound changes. Neurotic thought patterns have diminished with 70%. I actually smile at strangers, wish them a good day, and mean it, from my heart. I have so much more trust in life. I used to distrust other men, viewed them as competition. Now I feel brotherhood. I feel reborn, like I had a whole new, perfect childhood with many naturally occurring friendships. And most importantly, the brakes are off. I have no doubts that I can get where I want now. And that I deserve that. And I feel very distant from the version of me that I used to be. Something I found: self-esteem issues, anxiety, and addictive tendencies and the like have a cause. They started somewhere. Because small children aren't actually like that naturally. They trust life. They run up to children and ask them to play, without fear of rejection. But between age 0 to 7 you can pick up a lot of negative vibes and messages, both said and unsaid, from your environment, that just stick there in your unconscious, without ever being noticed, and fuck you over for the rest of your life unless you go back to them and process them properly. I really have no words to convey how deep this process goes, except that I've gone pretty deep with psychedelics before and that's nothing compared to how meaningful and transformative this felt. The therapist, Puja, who leads it is such a loving and skilled person, she's awesome. If you're interested, I'm talking about the Primal Deconditioning Intensive at www.pujalepp.com . People I did the workshop with flew in all the way from the States, even Ireland. Expensive but so, so worth it. The next retreat date is somewhere in the fall, I believe. If you decide to go for it, PM me and let me know what it brought you? I'd be sooo curious...

@kag101 Thank you for your assumptions, it shows your ignorance. I actually had sex with 5 different stunning women over only the past 7 days. A good week for me. How was yours? You see why my sack is empty and my statements about women are pretty confident.

That doesn't mean you understand how to do it. Or that you have a lot to say about how it should be done most effectively. Try going to pick up women with your bisexual girlfriend. You'll be shocked how clueless she is, and she'll be shocked how hard it is.

@sgn Wow, that's pathetic. Like you wouldn't, if you had the chance. That judgmental attitude is why girls don't like you.

Not true. One side has actual experience of what works, the other can only project. I am no exception: I will readily admit that I'm bad at predicting which kind of marketing I would actually fall for, as well as what a girl could do to get me. Being the object of a pursuit doesn't make you understand how to pursue.

I did it!!! So painful to sideline important stuff, and admit you're not doing the important stuff. But, if I didn't, I would just be lying to myself and not doing anything. I have to be ruthless here. Tomorrow I will make new weekly schedules and update my habit tracker...

I always find it hilarious when women think they know something about game, just because they're a woman. It's like thinking you're a good salesperson, because you've made a few purchases.

Actually, no. I would be supportive and happy for her. Because it's 2019 and I don't buy into the bullshit that you have to be exclusive for a relationship that means anything. Believe it or not, I have many female friends that are taking workshops in being seductive. The thought to judge them for it wouldn't even enter my mind. And if my polyamorous girlfriend did it, I would love it. Yes, EVERYTHING does!! How do you really not see it... All the things I named before. The "like a normal person". That's clearly frustration. And everything else I named. Do you even have any experience building romantic relationships with women, or are you just projecting yourself onto all women?

Why I'm Not Motivated Today A few weeks ago, there were >40 items on my to-do list. Then I started weekly scheduling and accomplishing a lot of the little items. Now, I have 62 items on the list. I'm stuck and really, really fed up with the always-busy never-done way of life. I don't feel like I will ever get through the list. I don't remember ever having been through my list. So... I will make a NOT DOING list, where I put everything I will CUT. I'm going to have to cut... a lot. Let's see if I can get it down to 15 items! That's 5 per card. Maybe that will make me feel better.

@Emerald So we agree that he should have been upfront and authentic about it, and held nothing back concerning his feelings nor his activities with RSD. Because any attempt to control her opinion/reaction would probably have been transparent and off-putting. At least caused incongruence (thoughts, words, actions not aligned) Then I don't understand why you claim that I don't know anything about how women function. I do agree that he might have given her too little approval and not communicated genuine interest. Seems plausible. I sometimes make that mistake too. You've given me something to think about. But what girl would say that thing about the sleeping late, if not for being annoyed with someones neediness?

The responses to the thread below may also apply to this.

It all depends how he frames it. He could have convinced her that it was awesome that he was working on himself to be more attractive and less creepy. We don't really know how that seminar went, but it could have changed a lot. While that may be true that most women today would be judgmental about it, what choice does he have? Are you suggesting he pretends to not go to RSD things? Because he's already been doing that, that's a given. So he can be dishonest about it, or not, or even be inviting. Bringing her along at least has the potential to flip her preconceived notion. Lying about it (or quitting RSD) would be inauthentic and make her lose respect for him, rightfully so. And not bringing her just leaves her behind with all these preconceptions still in her mind.

Your view is apparently colored by your own judgments and insecurities, since you keep calling it that. Also your statement that women typically don't like that, well that really depends on their upbringing. If they don't have toxic shame around sexuality, they might not be so judgmental.

This is a bit of a far-fetched projection. I agree that there may have been an initial judgment, but there's no telling how the actual experience was for her. Since many women go to those seminars, there must be something in it for everyone. In the end it's about teaching men social skills, to be less creepy, and helping the sexes meet each other in a more natural, flowing way. Her man is into self-development. That's a positive. Unless he had some shame about it, and handled it wrong! My point is, it's very well possible that she liked it, once she got to see it.

@Emerald Look at the subtle clues. He's fretting a LOT in this post about what he could have done better, so he was probably fretting about what to do during their time. She must have felt this insecurity. The texts we see here are not needy maybe, but her responses indicate he's been needy and she's had enough. "I slept late like a normal person does, just fyi if you're trippin' on a text back". Meaning: he's been bugging her before when she took longer to answer a text. So often that she's trying to preempt it now. This is super needy behaviour. The upper line says "...being weird?", followed by him qualifying and defending his decision to her to take her there. Meaning he's been bothering her to assure him that it wasn't a bad decision to take her there, and she doesn't think it's weird, and she still approves of him, because the doubt has been EATING HIM UP. This is super, super needy. He asks about her seeming cold (needy, insecure), and she refers him to some shitty songtext, which I can only interpret as her playing games with him because it's so easy.

Caring is one thing, changing your behaviour is another. Sure I can take an interest in someone's opinion. But if I like to go to RSD seminars, I'm not going to pretend otherwise because she may have some weird judgmental attitude about it. And bringing her along to show her how awesome it actually is, might be a good idea.

@Emerald I'm pretty f*ing sure about this one Never hide parts of your life because you're afraid of what she might think. Care to elaborate then, if you're making such bold claims about me? Because you're recommending dishonesty here. And that doesn't give me confidence that you know anything about how to relate to women in a romantic way.

See, but this is already supplication, caring about how she'd react to it! That's my entire point. Doesn't matter how she sees it, if YOU care about how she sees it, she will see you as a pussy and a beta male. I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm saying it doesn't matter because hoping for a good reaction is a dead end in general.

@billiesimon I would make it a priority to heal that wound, then, that came to be around that age. I just came back from a week of Primal Childhood Deconditioning and I feel reborn. If you are willing to invest in the cost of a workshop and a LOT of physical and emotional energy in working through your childhood/adolescent trauma, then you can feel almost like it never happened, in a week of hard work and many, many, MANY emotional purges. It's been absolutely lifechanging for me. I really have no words. It's like trying to explain psychedelics to a person who's never been in an altered state. Except that psychedelics are NOTHING compared to how meaningful and deeply healing this week has been for me. If it could help you, I wouldn't want you to miss out. I went there because I felt "held back", like I was pushing really hard to be more social, have a better dating life, and face my nervousness around public speaking, and all these things, but I still was feeling like I didn't 'deserve' to be doing that well, and was destined to keep backsliding. Like my superego, deep inside me was certain that I was supposed to be a neurotic person, not the awesome version of myself that I envisioned. It's still very fresh and the dust hasn't settled yet, but I can already feel some profound changes. Neurotic thought patterns have diminished with 70%. I actually smile at strangers, wish them a good day, and mean it, from my heart. I have so much more trust in life. I used to distrust other men, viewed them as competition. Now I feel brotherhood. I feel reborn, like I had a whole new, perfect childhood with many naturally occurring friendships. And most importantly, the brakes are off. I have no doubts that I can get where I want now. And that I deserve that. And I feel very distant from the version of me that I used to be. Something I found: self-esteem issues, anxiety, and addictive tendencies and the like have a cause. They started somewhere. Because small children aren't actually like that naturally. They trust life. They run up to children and ask them to play, without fear of rejection. But between age 0 to 7 you can pick up a lot of negative vibes and messages, both said and unsaid, from your environment, that just stick there in your unconscious, without ever being noticed, and fuck you over for the rest of your life unless you go back to them and process them properly. I really have no words to convey how deep this process goes, except that I've gone pretty deep with psychedelics before and that's nothing compared to how meaningful and transformative this felt. The therapist, Puja, who leads it is such a loving and skilled person, she's awesome. If you're interested, I'm talking about the Primal Deconditioning Intensive at www.pujalepp.com . People I did the workshop with flew in all the way from the States, even Ireland. Expensive but so, so worth it. The next retreat date is somewhere in the fall, I believe. If you decide to go for it, PM me and let me know what it brought you? I'd be sooo curious...

Does it, though? This question is just more evidence that you don't trust your own impulses in the moment. And more thinking of what-could-happen won't get you closer to that. To answer the specific case: Yes, I would say, do it. She might take it well. In that case, you successfully broke a limiting belief of what you could get away with. Or, she might not. In that case, you need to laugh it off and go "whoops ha ha" and get some valuable practice in maintaining your emotional state when not everything goes perfectly. Tolerate awkwardness. Enjoy it, even. In that case, you successfully taught your gut that awkwardness is okay and can be survived and forgotten quickly in an interaction. From that moment on, you'll feel less scared to express yourself freely, also physically. See? The whole idea that it's important to escalate smoothly so that nothing goes wrong, is deeply misguided. There's supplication in that. It's still walking on eggshells, hoping not to scare the girl off, to keep her approval. But that's not what turns her on. A masculine man escalates authentically. He acts through his own desires, puts his arm there if he feels like it, and then calibrates accordingly if she's not yet comfortable. Authentic desire + empathy and calibration

@Liger Not to go all Freudian here, but how was your childhood? Could the friend represent a father figure, and the woman a mother?

What's your plan for that? Primal wounds seem like a secondary problem, while actually they run your entire life in many ways. Don't worry about the girl. Heal your trauma! Problems like this will evaporate and seem so silly.

@Yuliya_Lei This is called emotional abuse. You're in an abusive relationship. Do you realise this? https://www.yourtango.com/experts/wendy-kay/avoid-abusive-relationship-15-signs-abuser-expert You have "warning sign" 3 and 5. Yes, you can rationalize that "it's your choice" to be isolated to avoid conflict, but the fact of the matter is he's controlling you with his emotional reactions, and he's isolating you. And this is only a list off the top of google results. Let's hear what Leo says: I just listened to it, and you have at least 3 of the red flags that he names. I'm baffled that many others here are not seeing this deeply toxic dynamic as a red flag. So I'll be the one to call it out then. You'll probably be in denial and feel angry with me, that is natural. But really, do some research and let it sink in and contemplate. I predict that if you bring this up with him, he'll emotionally manipulate you to (feel like you have to, to avoid conflict) get off this forum, as a next step. Be on the lookout for that. Best of luck.

Primal therapy is a form of guided shadow work that has helped me a LOT. How long have you been shy? Since you can remember? Then probably you picked up some negativity from your environment when you were very young. Either something traumatic happened, or your parents gave you negative messages. A child is not naturally shy, you see. It trusts life. Unless the parents have taught it that it can't.

Probably, pretty intense Let us know if you had to clean the ceiling