flowboy

More Burnout Symptoms I just ran into my neighbour/friend on the way to get food. He asked whether I could water the plants for him a couple times in the next month. I had so many things on my mind that I was already saying no. Took me a long time to even realize that I am not going on vacation next month and I can totally do it for him. But it was like my mind was blank. He asked how I was. I didn't know what to say. My mind was blank. He's been doing well. I knew mentally that that should make me happy, and I fabricated a response that had the meaning in words that I was happy for him. But I was totally dead inside. I'm sitting here typing it up. It takes me a while to remember his name. And I don't know how I am or how I've been doing. I have like 5 girls I'm chatting with on whatsapp and Tinder. I send them 1 message every 2 days. An uninspired one. I don't care. A date got cancelled. I don't care. I gotta get my projects done. Whole body is tense, too. Shallow breathing, the works. I guess I get overly stressed pretty easily. It's not like I'm having a crazy workload. Just a couple things I'm trying to get done besides work. Reducing My Bandwidth Well, better listen. I'm going to take the night off, and cancel everything this week except the most important thing. From now on, I'm only working on one project at a time per time division. So one project in the 32 hours of work, and one project outside of that. I reduced my kanban lanes from 4 to 2. Hope that helps. And also, clearly I broke my rule of not having more than 3 things a day total. - I had 4 things yesterday - I was making myself make up for the 2 things I missed Monday (For the last time, Flowboy, there is no catching up!!! Every day is a new day!) Things that are eating so much CPU in my brain that they apparently prevent me from remembering names or feeling human connection: Driving license theory, I must study it Tantra retreat in October, I must make travel arrangements for it Project management in general, I am still learning and tweaking it constantly Huge project at work, I must do it all myself since the whole team is on vacation App I'm building, I must work on it Tinder girls, I must reply to them Volunteer work, I must cycle all over town to print shit for it Okay, it's quite some stuff. I thought organising it meant less burnout symptoms. Guess I will have to get better at doing less at a time.

I'm still doing way too much. I'm trying to study for my driver's license at the same time as I'm working on my software project next to having my day job, and I'm starting an improv course soon. And volunteering. Also I have a gym membership but also hope to start a regular yoga practice. And meditation. What. I've already shed the delusion that I can become awesome at game while doing all this. But still. There can be only one main thing. And the rest is just there to recharge. At least that's how it should be. I need to cut out everything but the business plan and the bare necessities. Clearly, my original idea of having a balanced life with just enough of every flavour, was bullshit. It wouldn't even make me happy. Just unfulfilled, because a little bit of everything is just a whole lot of nothing. Sacrifice for your goal, or your goal will become your sacrifice Driver's license will hopefully be done with this year. Improv is only ten weeks. I need to stop falling into the mainstream hypnosis that a fulfulling life is full of vacations and hobbies and side activities and parties and festivals and hanging out and watching movies, and a little of this, and a little of that. Jesus. Even dating. It's a fucking distraction. Replying to messages on Tinder? Talking to people and going out? Going on dates? So much time, so little long term gain. Why don't I just go back to fucking one woman at a time, and get my head in the game. The game of making money.

It's interesting how this journal and the developments described have evolved. I started out thinking this would be the story of me finally implementing all the 25-ish Good Habits (TM) I wanted, and doing so as quickly as possible. Instead it's becoming a story about me learning to prioritize what is truly important, and to sacrifice the rest. I'm on my fourth habit now since I started doing month long implementation periods. And it's challenging enough at this pace. There are still some nights where I forget to make the next day schedule. Or fall asleep without brushing my teeth. And it's nice that those are the only things I have to be consistent in, for now.

Is this just a re-branding of the word soulmate? Seems like it is to me. Anywho, I've heard stories of people that knew each other from another life, and some are pretty convincing. But the trap here is to abuse this and turn it into an excuse for wallowing in your own neediness and desperation. Which is what this smells like.

Better Teeth Cleaning For my next month-long habit introduction, I shall improve my teeth cleaning process. Currently, I brush once a day; before bed. I am going to start brushing before breakfast, as well. So twice a day. And both times I will use floss OR toothpicks before brushing. Why or? I would like to say and, but perfectionism and taking on too much lead to quitting. So I will say or. There's more I could do, but this is enough of a challenge. Oral hygiene is more annoying to me than dishwashing. I just really loathe those 5 minutes a day. And flossing/picking is just really gross and yucky. So I'm not looking forward to this habit introduction. I'd much rather do something easier, like quit coffee or quit peak orgasm again. But I swore to one thing at a time. And I suppose the dentists' guilt trips finally got to me.

I'm finally there. I feel in control of what I have to do. I wake up and know what my tasks for that day are. I know that they are not too much. I know that they make sense; I can reasonably assume that I'm doing the things that help me along, in a good order of priority. Because I trust my current process. This is awesome I took a course on project management. After that, I divided up my remaining 50-ish to-do items into 7 project with a common theme. Now these projects have to be of a certain category. And of each category, I'm only allowed to work on 1 project at a time. I decided on 4 categories: Social Personal Work Life Purpose These categories are now 'lanes' on my Kanban board, where projects move from 'Not Started' through 'Active' to 'Completed', and only 1 can be Active per lane. This leaves me with 4 much shorter lists, each representing development in a distinct area of my life. Yes, I included my job too, and what I'm working on there. I'm doing this comprehensively and I'm getting rid of fragmentation in processes. For example, I used to have a separate to-do list and weekly schedule at work. Got rid of that. Now for my weekly schedules, I pick a total of 10 items from the tops of the 4 active projects, and divide them over the days in the week. And boom. A non-overwhelming workload that I can trust.

@bejapuskas I probably insulted some of your beliefs, which could make you want to twist my words like that. I never said I'm inexperienced in the things I'm recommending, nor the situation at hand. Anything specific you'd like to correct me on?

@Shaun Yikes, I'm sorry to hear that you are having a tough time of it. At least we accomplished something here, though. We got to the heart of the issue. The most urgent issue for you is not that you can't seem to find the right woman The most urgent issue is not that you have sexual desires and that they cause you suffering The most urgent issue is that this nonduality stuff is depressing you! You took too much, too fast in your enthusiasm to be on the 'right' path. I would say keep a meditation habit and stop all the other stuff that's making you feel bad. There's no need for it. As Leo says, the nondual explanations he offers in his advanced video are not meant to be taken as gospel. They are all false, untrue, by definition, because they're putting the inexpressible into words. So all that 'reality is an illusion' bullshit is of no value to you until you have awakening experiences for yourself. And then you will see how false the words are, and how actually not depressing the truth is. I'm not speaking from experience. I've never awakened. That's why, however interesting, I don't look for meaning in this nondual stuff. It's not relevant to me (yet). My two cents: take a step back from the theories about reality that you read here. Almost no one knows what they're talking about, because if they did, they would know that it's inexpressible with words. You can ask actual enlightened people if you need answers. Maybe @winterknight wants to weigh in here? Be nice to your ego. You're stuck with it forever, it never goes away and you need it. Feed it wholesome things. Give it what it needs. Practice self love. Look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, honestly, and assess what parts you need to work on before you arrive at the level where this nondual stuff starts to even matter. Most importantly, re-learn to listen to your intuition! All this overthinking is probably clouding it. But you do have that soft, but determined voice somewhere inside you, that tells you what you really want, what your purpose is from moment to moment. It's a great way to live spiritually, because when you master the skill of hearing your intuition, you can start to gracefully play out the role that God intended for your particular ego, and it will feel great! Getting therapy is also a valid step in self-actualization, so do consider that, too, if you need something to ground you. I wish you strength on your path.

@noselfnofun

Or maybe your believing that you can not have them both is your ego not wanting to face the uncomfortable truth that you are polyamorous. How are you so certain that you can't? Have you discussed your feelings honestly with both partners? Is it them setting the restrictions, or is it you?

@Shaun You are full of shit and using enlightenment as a beautiful lofty cover, to rationalize your being a pussy. You can't just 'skip over' fixing your self esteem issues because it's uncomfortable and you're afraid, and head straight for enlightenment. I mean the way you talk, it seems you don't even value your life purpose. This is called spiritual bypassing and it's harmful. You could become a very distorted and repressed person with a huge shadow. And now also a huge spiritual ego added on top of that, due to all the enlightenment work. I mean do you want to end up like this guy: And remember this thread: Now I phrased this strongly to wake you up. You are free to disregard this and call me an asshole for pretending I know anything about you. If you truly want to become a monk, more power to you. The reason I call bullshit on that is this phrase: Much love, brother.

@Shaun Enlightenment is something many people work on for 40 years every day and never attain. And you think your chances are better than the chance of having sex. So that must mean, if you worked on getting laid for 40 years every day, you wouldn't figure it out... Boy, do you have a low opinion of yourself Which also explains the not getting laid. Let me tell you, you're better off spending some of that effort working on a healthy self esteem. You may see results within a year. Then you can have all the sex you want. And also, your life will be crippled in other ways if you don't get a healthy self esteem. You won't be able to get after your life purpose very well, either.

I'm dating a woman who 'feels' me, always seems to know what's going on with me without me having to tell her. I was in one city, she in the other. I was worried and anxious. She knew. When we tripped together, there were many moments where we thought the same thing independently, at JUST the same time. It doesn't even surprise me anymore. I really fucking appreciate that. Planning Update I've been making daily schedules for every day now, without missing one. So I'm sticking to my commitment. Some room for improvement, though: I still often forget to do it at night, so I have to plan in the morning, which is too late I forget to look at my calendar, or my weekly schedule, or both, when making it I don't really take it very seriously yet. I've been skipping over a lot of things. Yesterday I just went to bed instead of the to-do list that I made. But, I'm getting there. In a few weeks, I see myself being totally relaxed, knowing what I have to do and when, never overloading myself and having good and productive starts of the day.

@Iiris Oh man, I really feel for you. It's so unfair that your dad just gets to spread his own unprocessed toxicity around as he pleases, and now you in turn have to work really hard to even just be social in the face of this crippling anxiety. My expectation is that when you find time to really process your childhood again and work through that anger towards your dad, you will experience the curse of social anxiety to be lifted. But that's just me projecting, I don't have all the answers. Let my point be that you're naturally a social creature, there's nothing wrong with you, or missing, just some shit in the way, something that you will shake off at some point. You just don't have a full cup yet. Further on the path, when your basic needs for love and appreciation are fulfilled, you too can start sharing expansively and your friendships will be about giving rather than just receiving.

Key Takeaways from Shroom Trip There is nothing I *have* to do. (I kept thinking: maybe I have to do this, or that... Maybe I have to be brave and throw up, and I will resolve the tension for both of us. Or maybe I have to do this...or that...) Nope, nothing is mandatory. Nothing. Obsessing over whether I'm ill or not is missing the point. Everything is super beautiful anyway. I had a slight fever and kept worrying about it, thinking maybe I should go to bed, maybe not. But this lesson can be used for my hypochondriac tendencies too. Everything is beautiful. Who cares about all the tiny things that could be wrong with your body. Look around! My guilt and worries about not wanting an exclusive relationship are my projections only. I suddenly felt very clearly that the girl I'm with wants what I want, she wants me to be happy and she trusts me. Never has she given me the indication that she needs exclusivity for me, and I've been clear about dating other people. I'm projecting something on her that isn't there. I suddenly felt full of love and gratitude.

I'd cuddle any healthy nondisgusting person for free of course, why not? But you can give me money if you want...

@Peo For the record, I don't think this is a good idea at all. When you transcend your sexual desire, it happens naturally. It's not something you 'strive for'. But here it is:

@okulele @tsuki @seeking_brilliance I just want to say thank you guys, I'm really touched that you helped me in this way, and I've been feeling a lot better.

Why don't you??

Yucky Painbody Encounter Had a painbody attack that really quite disgusted me, I'm still a bit shaken up. Went on a date with a girl who I was sure was into me. Went for the kiss at a certain point. (in hindsight maybe too soon and without any leadup/handholding). She declined, saying something that threw me off, roughly translated "No sorry that's not automatically part of it with me" Spent the next hour confused and tense, trying really hard to be in the moment and have a conversation, but I didn't dare come near her again. I just had too many mindfucks: She came out here in nature, alone with me, if I come near her again I seem too pushy then she'll get scared of me. Again, pretty certain she liked me. I just could not deal with the rejection in that moment. It was such a surprise since I had considered it a sure thing. I went there with too many expectations. Also: in that moment I was not convinced that kissing me was in her best interest. I just felt way too much like I was 'convincing her', and selling myself, instead of qualifying her and actually feeling out the vibe. What may have contributed was that I'm 2 shy of having slept with 40 women, and I really wanted to hit that number. But that's not in her best interest. I was focused on the wrong thing. And I could feel this weird curtain of neediness, separating me from her all through our conversations. I guess these are the moments where others feel this 'fake' vibe from me. Here comes the ugly part. A girl I'm seeing suggested that night to hang out and smoke weed and massage each other. I massaged her and then she got tired and wanted to sleep. My sexual advances went nowhere and she avoided my penis. And then the monster came out. I got angry and needy, accused her of being selfish and using me. I demanded that she not fall asleep and give me a blow job in return, or at least massage me because it was her turn. It's hard for me to write this because I'm so ashamed. I don't want to be a person who pressures someone into sex. I don't want the desire to be satisfied to overpower the desire to be considerate, and open to the other's needs and state of mind. "I did something for you, now you have to do something for me, otherwise I get pissed" Yuck, way to ruin it, I don't want to be that guy. Ever. I got it in my head that since I had gotten rejected by a girl that day, she could sense that off me, therefore the good times were over for me and all women in the world would reject me. To be honest, with that vibe, they probably would have. Luckily, we were able to talk about it really well and fell asleep cuddling. In the morning we did have sex, but I was more into it than she was (she's becoming a bit ill since yesterday) and it struck me how much I was willing to ignore her state, just to get my satisfaction. It's like I'm not authentic and not really present with her, because I want to cum inside her, and before that happens I ignore any answer that means "no sex". I lost touch with line between taking initiative and being proactive and manly, and being needy, pushy, controlling and demanding. I don't feel entitled to take any initiative until I figure this out. I felt like I was having sex with someone who was merely accepting it, not really wanting it. And it feels really dirty. Now we talked about that and she said she never feels forced and she enjoys it. And this morning she texted me happy things. So all is good. But I still feel dirty. My desire to cum inside her was stronger than my desire to take care of her because she wasn't feeling so well. Ugh.

Habit Status I've done 2 months of making weekly schedules now, and just finished 30 days of not smoking. Today I'm adding another one: I will make a daily schedule on the evening before, for 30 days straight. Habit Since Making Weekly Schedules 19-4-2019 Not Smoking 24-5-2019 Scheduling The Next Day 24-6-2019

@tsuki That's so awesome! I'm touched

I Do Not Deserve To Die For most of the past week I've been worrying about my health. I have the feeling of what I can best describe as a hole in my throat, which hurts when I breathe. Now, I'm scared to death that I gave myself throat cancer or something like that. It's connected to the guilt about not quitting smoking earlier. I have a health related freakout once or twice a year, and every time it just seems very real that I might die soon. I'm ashamed of it. I should be thanking God that I'm still breathing. Which I am doing. I do pray. But I also worry about scary diseases, which makes me paranoid that I'm attracting the evil by worrying about it. LOA in reverse. I hate weird symptoms and I really, really want to feel normal again. I tried vaping weed every night for the past week, both to calm me down and because I had read that it has anti-cancer properties. I even ate it. But now I just feel severely fucked in the head and my ability to concentrate or motivate myself are just shot. Why do I keep worrying about my health? Something dark in me says that I don't deserve to be healthy, because I used to smoke, and that's a disrespectful and ungrateful thing to do to your body. But guess what. That part is wrong. I have been trying to quit since I was 17. I grew up neurotic, with cumulative unprocessed trauma from my mum and dad looming over me. My addiction is understandable given the circumstances, and I am brave for fighting it. I've been smoke free for 24 days, and have put a lot of effort into eating healthy. I deserve to be "forgiven" and live a long and healthy rest of my life. Now make the hole in my throat and the pressure behind my ear stop, please, damn it.

Primal Is Still Going So, as my loving friend and Primal graduate pointed out to me: The lid is off, Pandora's Box is open now! It is normal to be super sensitive afterwards. Which explains the ups and downs. I am supposed to keep doing the meditations they taught me, and keep processing what comes up. And more shit will come up. It's an ongoing process that's started now. Darn. I thought I did the workshop and now everything is amazing forever

I remember the wind dream better now. It was like a stream of water was seeking its path through the body, stopping at every joint, asking permission, and I said yes and let it infuse me. And every time I took a breath and let it relax me. Feeling accepting and sad. It keeps coming back to me how personal it felt. This wind had entire conversations with me, in which he wordlessly answered many questions of mine. While writing this, my core muscles are spasming, creating shocking bending motions in the spine, similar to the "kundalini shakes" I've witnessed in people who are experienced with Tantric sex. The ego wants to believe that something magical is happening to me. But that's just stories. Results Orientedness I'm slipping: giving myself points for having a schedule, even though I'm not even trying to follow it giving myself points for closing all the distracting tabs every once in a while and looking at work. But still spending most of the time in distraction. Spending most of my free evening in distraction (porn is making a comeback! no pun intended), and then squeezing in a few minutes of what I was actually supposed to do, at the end of it, when it's bedtime. A part of me (internalized mother and similar resonance in my ex girlfriend) are saying I shouldn't be so hard on myself here. But I know: it will be the ultimate freedom to be able to work on a task no matter how I feel. That I would keep promises to myself even when sad. Or when wanting a sandwich. Or attention. A better relationship with myself. Very empowering. That is what I'm going for.