flowboy

Tiny Ritual I have a dreaded box of miscellaneous papers and things. Decided to attack it finally. Old bank statements, old student loan statements, letters I should have opened when I got them 2 years ago, but didn't because I was depressed and overwhelmed. Notes from university, the studies I never finished, but am still attached to. Blocks full of pages both sides scribbled with math, analysis, genetics, and some programming stuff for work. My old contract for work, first job that paid me more than minimum wage, I was so proud. My old agenda/calendar from that time. Browsed through it, found my ex girlfriend's attempt to take control of my scheduling, since I was failing. She had scribbled dates and times that she was available everywhere. I also found a page full of rules for me that we agreed on after one of our last fights. It was brutal. I'm throwing it all out. I'm saying goodbye to that guy I was then. Struggling. Trying to do the right thing. So much pain. I feel emotions coming up, so I decide to have a tiny ritual. I put on an emotional song and instantly cry. I find a stick of Palo Santo wood and set fire to it. My eyes closed and enjoying my tears, I dance around the room, spreading smoke wherever I feel it needs to go. And then it's gone. Poof. I feel less dead inside, more compassionate. I'm singing and my voice is free.

So??

Yes, multi tasking is the antithesis of concentration, it is destructive and it annoys me that it's even accepted as a valid concept in main stream culture. I'm also planning to cut it out completely, so join me. I've even gone so far as to not listen to anything, watch anything or read while I was eating. Just eating. It was weird but good mindful practice. I should reinstate that habit. But, please do explain to me how to eat and watch videos in the shower

??? This is your ego being shit scared to die, trying to control it and hoping it can 'learn to handle' it... nonono sir, at one point you will need to make the leap into the unknown

Such great examples of things to sacrifice! Pretty confronting to read, too ;P @Quicksilver If you are like me, this will probably trigger you and you will hate it, but you might come back to it in six months and realize that it had some truth to it:

Signing up for a group won't magically give you the time to practice meditation. Instead, look at your busy life. Anything you can sacrifice there?

I try to let go of the fantasy of reaching this final state where my lofty habits are permanent and effortless. Instead, I see myself as a goat that got stuck in a muddy ditch. Then the goat drags himself out of the ditch and keeps walking. But he slides back in the ditch many times again. And drags himself out. This will always happen. What actually changes is: The goat becomes stronger and more efficient at dragging himself out of the ditch, so he can spend more time on the path The goat becomes confident that he will always drag himself back out, as is his experience. Therefore, he spends less time moping and doubting, each time he slides down. @Alex bAlex I'm actually having a backlash right now, where the only difference habit-wise between me and a year ago would be that I don't smoke. All the meditation, exercising, scheduling, even brushing my teeth regularly is out the window. But I don't worry. Because I know the process, and it will go quicker this time.

Ego Backlash I feel the discrepancy guilt piling up, so it's probably wise to mention that I am having an ego backlash. During a festival I went to, I smoked again. This caused me to drop all my habits I was tracking. I am now successfully not smoking again. But I'm not making schedules again yet, and I'm flunking out of commitments I made to people left and right. Also I ordered fast food twice this week already. Interestingly, I know that it is going to be fine. It doesn't affect my self-worth like it used to. It doesn't make me feel as neurotic and self-flagellating. I also like fast food less. I can't really get hooked to smoking again. Even though I still like it, it doesn't seem worth it. ?

@Nivsch Why do you assume that it was a route of thinking that led to it? This is not how we acquire our most fundamental beliefs. Ask yourself why you believe that thoughts are in the brain. If you get a reason, ask "how come I believe that" again. Follow the trail all the way down, and you'll find that you believe reality is only physical and thoughts are in the brain, because someone told you before you were old enough to question it (we call this education), and because of that, everything confirming that seems "right" to you. It's not a line of reasoning that convinced you. It's more like imprinting, or indoctrination. You can be free from indoctrination and re-imprint yourself with actual experience, if you wish. Psychedelics are one very effective way to do that indeed.

@Gladius Thank you

@tsuki Great, that's going to the top of my book list! Thank you. I also had the intuition that the tests were no good.

As far back as I can remember, I've always responded with hard rebellion whenever someone told me what to do and it was clear to be that it was stupid. In high school, I didn't let a teacher get away with any perceived flaw in an exercise or inaccuracy in a teaching. Unless it was a feared and respected teacher. But temps and teaching assistants would get hell from me. Instead of doing the exercises they made for us, I scribbled them full of notes, things to improve. In my adult life I carry myself with the attitude: "I'm here, and I'm going to tell you what I think. I don't care who it pisses off." Usually that goes well. But I seem to have an extreme intolerance for group think, and it feels natural for me to challenge it. Whenever I detect that people are being dogmatic, or not thinking for themselves, or when people try to make me conform to something that I think is stupid, I enjoy saying the opposite, just to stir it up and make people think. This led to an argument today with some guys who are informally recognized as more senior than me, but not officially the boss of me. The argument ended with me questioning the coworker's authority (he tried to make me do something his way), which led to the other senior guy confirming that his authority should be recognized. To which I said: "We don't have to agree on everything. I'm fine with having a different opinion. I will make the change, as it doesn't really matter, but I will say that the reasons for it are bullshit, and the whole discussion is based on nonsense. You value conformity, which I understand your reasons for, and yet I think it is a bad idea. Let's just leave it at that." I have a gnawing feeling that I'm shooting myself in the foot. Because of my unwillingness to agree, it seems like I'm triggering these coworkers and giving them the idea that I'm trying to nibble at their authority. There is even a strong urge in me to "finish the job" by telling the guy in front of everyone, that as long as I'm here, I will tell him my unpleasant truth, and I refuse to pretend to agree with his rules just to make him comfortable, and he better learn to deal with it. I did not say that yet, because I'm internally conflicted. Experience tells me that less is more, and the latter may be complete overkill, and be perceived as unnecessary hostility. But darn, it would feel good. There is definitely an element of wanting to assert/restore dominance. I don't need anybody to like me, but I also don't want to be viewed as a troublemaker and get fired for it. However: I need to be true to myself, and speaking my mind is part of that. My question is not who is right and who is wrong. It is clear to me that I'm being a rebellious asshole, and could have saved everyone some stress and energy by not "being so difficult". However, it feels part of my Life's Purpose to rebel. Like I was born to go against the status quo. And I think that people who speak their truth and dare to go against the crowd have tremendous value. So why would I change anything. I'm conflicted because if there is nothing to gain, it seems insane to risk my job. In my mind everyone would benefit from less needless regulation, but that is just my view. The crazy thing is, a part of me would be very proud if I fought every battle to the end. Even if that meant getting fired a bunch of times over unimportant nonsense, while bystanders shake their head at my inability to give in for my own good. My question is: are you like me? If so, have you dealt with this challenge of this rebellious streak making you unpopular? What do you recommend? Do you know people like me? If so, do you have any interesting insights or advice? My hypothesis is that I was simply born a well-meaning asshole, and this is simply an unavoidable consequence of being myself. Probably I should be self-employed rather than working for someone, because I will never fit in that role (unless if it were for fear of survival)

Business plans are worthless, because they are just ideas on steroids. I'm just parroting MJ DeMarco here. I can highly recommend his book! One thing I picked up from his book, as well as from Sam Ovens, is that having the idea first and then trying to find customers, is putting the cart before the horse. If you want to help people in a high-consciousness way, first find the people you want to help. Talk to a lot of them. Ask what their frustrations are. Then you can come up with the idea of how to help them Unfortunately I'm kind of a hypocrite here, because I'm working on a product I conceived of in my own mind, before interviewing my target audience about their pain points. I will correct that soon, and if I don't, I'll have to learn a hard lesson too, I'm afraid. People don't really give a fork about your idea. They want their pain fixed. Find their pain.

There are not actually arguments. To call them arguments will imply that evaluating the logical validity of them, together, will bring you to agreement. This is not remotely how that works in a relationship. You can uphold the illusion, if you're stubborn enough. For starters, the feminine doesn't seek agreement. That's a masculine thing. Secondly, when someone says "because", they are not making a logical argument, they are trying to use a word pointer to get your mind to imagine the same thing as theirs, so that there can be understanding.

this is probably good advice. Still, I'm going to maintain the principle that I never will pretend I agree with something. But maybe I can stop shouting my disagreement so loudly

I was just about to ask why nobody mentioned The Witness yet! That game literally embodies the concept of paradigm shifts... Really beautifully done

This morning I feel just really happy and loving and free. I'm getting the sense that this may a phase that is almost ending: proving to myself that I can stand up to people. You see, in the past, when I was getting bullied, many times I did not dare stand up for myself. Possibly, now that I know I am not afraid to withstand pressure, I can choose to go along, not from a place of fear but from a place of freedom to choose peace. Just some thoughts. @tsuki I took a test and it said I'm 100% 5, 50% 6 and 50-90% of a whole bunch of others... It really does appear to me like I've got elements of 5, 6, 8 and 9 Which one are you?

@tsuki That rings true!

Wow, such a loving and humorous voice <3 I ended up listening to all of them, at least partly. I feel more like a wanna-be-8 than a real one. Like I've been preparing in my shell to be one, and now I'm ready. Or something. I might be a 9w8. But I'm not sure, I should take a test. Thank you for pointing this out to me, I've been having a lot of fun recognizing people I know in these descriptions

I just had a conversation with my boss. But I noticed how advanced my getting-along skills actually are. I carefully avoid stepping on someone's ego territory, and am getting ever better at that. The difference is, I recognize his authority and I respect him. And also, he's not a control freak who triggers me by controlling me in the exact same way that I would, but have sworn off

@tsuki Listening right now The first sentences already really hit home. "Authority wasn't there when I needed it, so I created my own rules. The rules don't apply to me" Yes, yes. I mean, I'm not sure that that's me exactly, but it sure sounds great

So this only happened once. Afterwards I remember feeling proud that I didn't back down, and angry that I wasn't stronger. A strong sense that it is unfair that I am not born super strong and invincible. But sort of proud that I did something. I remember that the cops called me, and asked if I needed any counseling, because I was a victim of violence. I got angry an yelled that I was not a victim, I chose this fight and I was proud of it.

Because the entire idea that they could be stronger than me and force me or take away my freedom in any way is so repulsive to me, that I just have to fight it. Deep down I reject the idea of anyone having dominance over me at all. It could be that I'm actually fighting my dad's fight. He was traumatized by severe bullying by his stronger and older brothers when he was young, and he still eminates this pain every day, so it must have influenced me. Not often, but when someone close to me is being threatened, or I just feel very wronged by a particular person, I tend to fantasize about murdering them. Examples are when my roommate lady had a psychopath stalker who kept trying to get into the house uninvited. Or when my dad's neighbour was trying to destroy his business out of spite. Or when my dad's other neighbour beat him up.

Aaargh that feels so true!!! Yet that's what I'm inclined to do. I did it to teachers in school. I fought people in the street who were bigger than me AND outnumbered me. Got badly beaten. And apparently I will also challenge my entire body of coworkers on whatever. Things that make you go hmmm... I suppose I'm not willing to accept that I have to compromise out of fear. That I would have to watch my step because of someone higher up in the dominance hierarchy. And so I just rebel, and in some moments I really take crazy risks and would rather end up dead than admit that I have to please someone because they're stronger. I reject that whole paradigm. I would not last long in prison, clearly Perhaps I'm like one of those dogs, that you have to kick really hard every year, or they stop behaving