flowboy

[6:00am] Good morning! I feel like such a shithead for leaving my employer for another. He's been so good to me!

I'm worried about the weird feeling in my ear that has been there for a few months. I'm worried that if it is something bad, no doctor will have time for me now. I'm scared of suffering and being distracted by pain. > Do you believe it's something bad? No. But, it's not going away by itself and I don't know what it is or what to do about it. > Do you remember what the doctor said last time? Not clearly. But she didn't see any reason to be concerned. > So you don't believe it's something bad, and at some point there will be doctors available again. So is it really a problem? You're quite right, alter ego. I'll be fine. I'm worried the landlord might pressure me to pay extra for the furniture, and I'll go over budget. > Didn't we just make a journal entry about that? Oh, right. The boundaries. But if I lose the apartment, I might not find anything on time. > So then what? Then I just postpone the new job, that's right. And if I lose it, I lose it. I'm fine where I am, as well. I remember now. I might even be able to start there and work remote until I find something else! Many things could happen, all of the outcomes I'm okay with.

Why didn't I do the budget admin stuff I planned? - Because I had to make a trip to the office, and then at the office I got an unexpected call that I decided to wait for, so I was there longer than necessary and wrote a journal entry from there. It derailed my schedule though, because I let it, because I had forgotten my timebox, and when I was supposed to be back. So I also went shopping, because I craved sugar as a reward/celebration of something. I did not buy the cake I craved, instead went for bananas which satisfied the sugar craving. But still, I let some unexpected events and emotions derail my plan. What was I telling myself? "It's not important to follow my plan, because something way more significant happened" How will I handle this next time? Next time when I have to leave, I will look at when to be back, write that on the schedule if it needs to be altered, and take my schedule with me. I will remember that success is a process, not an event. Therefore, no amount of events make up an excuse to not follow the plan.

Why did I drink so much coffee? - Because I did it yesterday and the day before. I somehow liked the idea of drinking it more than I actually liked it. What was I telling myself? - "One cup won't do it, let's have two" How will I handle this next time? - Tomorrow, I will throw the filter out after the first cup, and immediately make a thermos of green tea, which I will switch to

Realisations about Boundaries and Standards Contract negotiations with potential employers have gotten me so stressed lately that it's been hard to sleep or work. The worst seems to be over now. Because I realised something: Nothing is happening if it doesn't meet my requirements. I'm perfectly fine where I am. And if I don't get desperate about making it happen right now, I won't get screwed. Wanting to make it work too badly will get you into trouble. I saw [X employer] as the only option, because I went there, it seemed perfect, I nailed the interview. And I did not feel like I could do it again. But of course, I could nail another interview. I'm very employable and there are many good options out there for me. What also played a part in my scarcity mindset, is that I had no money in my account due to paying the deposit for an apartment. And I have only one presentable pair of pants left, but it has a rip in it. If I wouldn't wear underwear, my balls would hang out. And I've managed to hide this throughout the interview process, and needed the money that I had left for food. You can see how I came to think that I wouldn't "get away with it again". But actually, this is not true. The process is repeatable, I have money for pants, I'm just being lazy about it. I want to move as soon as possible because I have a fear that if I postpone it too long, my relationship with the person I'm dating will fizzle out. But if that were true, it's not a good relationship to begin with. Investment has to be there on both sides. And it is, so far. But it is a requirement for a healthy connection. I have to stay mindful of that. In the past I've often been way more invested than the other, which doesn't work. So, actually my requirement for this relationship is that it can survive some months apart, and that she does her part of the taking initiative in communicating and date-planning. If that's not there, I'm not interested. So if I remove the relationship-saving fallacy, and remove the false feeling of employer-scarcity, what's left? I have decided that I want to move, and don't want to postpone unnecessarily, because I'm not so productive in this in-between limbo state. Better get it over with As it currently is, I would be excited about being closer to the girl again. However, these things are not so urgent that I have to violate my own boundaries. I'm fine where I am. That removes my weak spot in the negotiation. I can now ask for what I need to be comfortable, and methodically build up the plan. First job, then housing. If housing falls through, postpone job. If that makes the job fall through, so what. I start the game over again. This time being more efficient, better at asking for the right things, because I know what's important to me: Short commute. SUPER important Food taken care of by employer (chef onsite). BIG plus. This saves me 2-3 hours of cooking and dishwashing each day, which is hard to put a price on given what you can do with 3 hours a day. They have no problem with me doing business ventures on the side. Hard requirement They do not have a clause in the contract that says that anything I create in my free time is also theirs. Hard requirement The salary offsets the rent in that area

[6:00am] It worked! I'm tired but I'm sitting here. Visualising getting up helped.

I'm worried that the email I sent to my potential employer will get me to be judged for being a scatterbrain. > Are you a scatterbrain? No, I'm a multifaceted person with many interests. > Then why would they judge you? Because they only want people interested single-mindedly in the job. > And that's not you? No. > So suppose they don't want you, how does that make you feel? Bad. Like a loser. Like a child who got caught. Shame, because no one is supposed to see my everything-connecting creative chaotic side. I've been judged for that before. > Is it a bad thing? Should you fix it? No, I should not. I love it. I can manage it now, and it's a superpower. And, I don't want to lie or hide, or work in any place where I have to pretend to be something I'm not. So either they think it's cool, or I don't want to work there.

[retro] I did not get up at 6. - What happened, why did I stay in bed? I had been turning off the alarm and going back into bed for the past week, so it felt like an option. And I felt that I needed more sleep - What was I telling myself? "I will have a better day if I finish my 8 hours" - How will I handle this next time? Next time, I will remember how much it sucks to start the day and already be behind on schedule. How hard it is to schedule or reschedule your day in the morning and get anything done after that. I will remember that if I get started right, I will do much more in the first 5 hours, and if I need I can take a nap after. Next time I hear the alarm, I will jump out of bed, drink a glass of water, put on my getting-up-early song and start reading my mindset stuff.

Prestige means nothing to me! Hedging my bets (career) is counterproductive! Burn the ships! What do I mean by this: I'm in the process of changing cities, and may have to change employers, too. Then there are some potential employers whom everyone knows, big names. It's attractive to go for those, because it provides the insecure ego with some validation. XYZ hired me, therefore I must be valuable and successful. Also, and this is mainly what I mean: suppose the entrepreneur thing doesn't work out, I can still have a good career if I pick the right name This thought is pure poison. Thinking like this will make it harder to persevere through hardship. If I'm not fully invested in the entrepreneurial path, and feel like I have other options, I will at some point cave. Pure self-sabotage.

What these times mean - Getting Lean Here's my take on it: there is no going back. Most people assume that we're just going to go back to the way it was after a few months. I don't think so. Because by forcing everyone to not do a whole bunch of things, that they thought were necessary but in fact are relics from the past, we are pushing companies to evolve and get rid of dead weight. Most people like to go to the grocery store instead of ordering online. Out of habit and comfort. Now, having a strong incentive to order groceries delivered, they are pushed out of that comfort zone and forced to discover the benefits. Why would they go back? Shoppers like to go to stores and discover and try things on. Now that there's pressure to order online, that's what we'll do. And no, they can't try clothes on in the same way, however we can solve that with VR. The stores who figure out how to provide the best VR shopping experience, will thrive. Why would they go back to the old way with massive overhead and real estate and human resource cost? A whole bunch of sectors can work from home just fine, but were not comfortable with it yet. Now that they are forced to - why keep paying for the office space when this works just fine? My prediction is that this pandemic means the end of brick and mortar, in many sectors. Physical storefronts will be reduced to only the very exclusive brands. Also the end of commuting to work. Maybe even the end of office space as we know it. Everyone will have their personal office space in their home. The undisciplined will go hungry. Anyways, since there's no stopping this train, I might as well jump aboard. I'm quitting the physical gym and committing to doing home workouts. The attractive females were mostly a distraction anyway. I don't expect to go back anytime soon. Rather, I'd build a full home gym when I can afford it.

I started working out with Freeletics, recommended by a friend. It's wonderfully tough on me. Feeling like a pussy all over again Maybe it's the working out, but I am experiencing a natural urge to only eat simple, wholesome things. Bananas and peanut butter. Raw spinach. Raw carrots. Boiled eggs. Black beans. Olive oil. Pretty sure I'm noticing the testosterone- and serotonin-stimulating effects of eating spinach. And just the act of sticking leaves in my face and chewing on them helps me concentrate. I guess my spirit animal really is a sloth.

[8:13am] Good morning. Tonight I will really start planning my day and do my evening routine at 20:30 so that I can get up at eight. Back to the routines and the scheduled day today!

Update: just saw the clip from Italy. I was under the impression that this thing was just like flu, and the only reason that so many people are hospitalized was that nobody has immunity yet. I see now that I was wrong about that due to being willingly uninformed. It's more like pneumonia. It doesn't only hit people who were obese, old or smokers, which is what I had been told before. I now find my previous uninformed opinion disrespectful and ignorant. To watch the news or not to watch the news And I'm confused. Because I have adopted the belief that it's good to cut newswatching and general fear inciting media out of my life. But now that is causing me to be socially maladapted and have a lot of conflicts. I think the difference here is: there is something I can do. I can fall in line and just follow the isolation guidelines. With regular news about some horrible war somewhere, there's nothing I can do about it, so I'm not going to watch. Here, there's something I can do, and it affects my life. What I do affects it, allegedly, a little bit. I am now very grateful that we have a government who doesn't enforce lockdown in an authoritarian fashion. Still, it bothers me that it takes so much energy away from people, watching all this negativity and accepting fear into their lives, without being able to help it. I'm worried that I would lose productivity over it (which I am). I'm worried that I myself would use it as an excuse to not work out, or not carry on productively. So, I'll make sure that doesn't happen I'll follow the rules and recommendations from now on, and will stop being childish about it. But apart from that, I'm not going to let fear in and will simply push forward and show everyone my positivity. Because that's simply who I am. Apparently.

I'm noticing that friends are reluctant to meet up, even one on one. And when they do, they want to keep a distance and not hug. My inside is screaming: "THIS IS STUPID!! Can't you see humans are not supposed to live this way, because their bodies transfer healing energies to each other by regular physical proximity, and trying to cut that out is going to hurt everyone, a lot!?" But no, they can't see that. And I'm _trying_ to respect them for it. Actually, it's nice that most people do what the government says in emergency situations. I'm just a natural dissident. That is a factor. When the group says do A, I say that's insane, let's do B. Since that's been the case so often, it would be irrational for me to believe that I've been right all the time. Also, in my opinion the government is handling this poorly. But my opinion is just my feeling. I could be wrong. I have to not hold it against other people when they are trying to do the right thing. I have to not take it personally when they don't want to hug me or see me. So this is what it feels like when everyone's going crazy at the same time, and I am the only sane one (from my perspective, of course statistically I'm crazy) But yeah, I'm more afraid of mass hysteria and a shut down economy than I am afraid of the health hazard itself. Still, it's fear. There is not one right opinion, and it doesn't matter what I think. This is what's happening. Accept it.

[9:52] I'm out of control! Not really. But yesterday I made a nice plan and then spent all day on the internet. Not all day, actually part of the day I was brainstorming business ideas. They just kept coming. Then I tried to go to sleep at 9:45, but guess what: more ideas. Had to be written down. I think I need a day of controlled chaos and creativity every now and then, so I'm not going to beat myself up over it. What I will do however, is turn off my phone for two hours. I've been laying in bed, undisciplined, listening to youtube videos. Anxious for people to reply to my texts because I'm addicted to the stimulus.

This instaperson is clearly taking the phrase "believe whatever you want" very literally

The debate about people surviving long-term on no food at all is sort of like the debate about aliens. Are they among us? If so, then why hasn't anybody caught one? Maybe they're among us, but they hide from us because they're much, much smarter than us... Or they're simply invisible by nature. Then, if they are invisible, do they have mass? If they don't have mass, are they even alive? Or real? Hypothesis: people staying alive long-term without calories are definitely real. If you change your definition of alive and/or real.

The study: https://jcs.biologists.org/content/127/2/388 I did not finish my studies, so all I can say is: "Seems legit."

I had my judgments ready before I clicked but I have to say - this is pretty cool! Thank you for sharing The guy has obviously read Transurfing.

@Moon You're being very judgmental of a person who is asking for help with a legitimate dilemma, that I know to be real because I went through it myself, and who is showing no intention of being deceptive to his partner. I'm sorry if you've been hurt by one of more masculine figures in the past, you didn't deserve that, just like this guy doesn't deserve your projections

Was he interested in you?

They are different people, so of course they contradict each other. Here's how you unify the statements: Leo said "guys need to sleep with 30+ girls to learn what girls are really like and what kind of girl they are actually attracted to." But according to Elliot, that's morally wrong. Done

Why do you assume it is your face? That's like one of the least important factors that a girl looks for. It's like if a girl would assume that nobody asks her out because she doesn't have an impressive career.

If I were on a date and the girl would introduce oneness to me, I'd be like whaaat... Why do you feel like that is your job? Here's how I date the non-woke: I just hang out with them and talk about light hearted stuff that both of us can understand and enjoy. Then at like the third or fourth date, they'll start asking me why I'm not worried about something they're worried about. Or I've had it recently that she just got unnerved by my calm and started apologizing for not being as personally developed as I am. Out of nowhere. They just sense something. I just try to make her feel at ease and explain that everyone has their own path. At no point do I start to be a teacher. But you'll learn this on your own Have fun on your date! Tell us how it went!

Here's my take on it: you can't simulate pickup if you can't actually fuck her. It will not be tense in the same way, so you can either go the friendly route, which is not tense at all, or you could still flirt, knowing nothing can happen, which will come off as incongruent and the girls will hate you for not knowing what you want. Which makes sense, because you'd be being fake. But you obviously have the desire to find your edge, and prove to yourself that you can learn to make decisions under pressure with high stakes. This is good, nothing wrong with that. Very masculine desire. So I'd recommend getting a more exciting job, starting your own business, starting to practice a martial art, or maybe an extreme sport in order to find your edge and be challenged. Alternatively, you can ask your girlfriend if she wants to do an open relationship. That in itself will provide you with similar thrills