saffron

I've been battling my depression for 5 years, with ups and downs. To make the long story short: In 2011, I had 2 amazing consecutive school years. I wondered what better things had to come. They didn't. 2012, my life seemed to go down hill. My high school got worse. My 10th grade year was full of drama, and I would stop having xbox live for good. My 11th grade year I was duped into taking AP courses that bombarded me with work that would make me stay up until 3am. The next day, I would sleep in class, embarrassingly. Because I was duped into taking 3 AP classes, it destroyed my GPA. I barely made it from being held back. My beloved Crysis would release it's 3rd and final chapter, to be a colossal failure, and the xbox one would make an embarrassing debut. 12th grade year rolls around and I don't make it into any universities. I had to go to community college. Fall 2014 rolls around, Call of Duty Advanced Warfare rolls around and I couldn't get enough money to buy it. I really wanted it because it reminded me of Crysis. I start looking at my life and how I am not a chad, how I am not in Ivy league, and how I don't even have a measly fast food/retail job. I decided to kill my self December 2014, but at new years, I decided not to. Nothing really got better. At 22 did I finally get a part time job at amazon. I never got closure with a cherished childhood buddy of mine. I'm still stuck at community college. My beloved Crysis and Metal Gear Rising are gone. The xbox only gets worse with a stupid business team. I let my self believe things could get better, but they don't. I look at my social media and all I see is the people I know with their BFs/GFs or going somewhere. On top of all this, I have a crippling fear and trauma with women I am so ashamed and embarrassed about. https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/28139-i-am-afraid-of-women/ There is no point to living if you can't be rich and attractive. I try to be good at things like singing and drawing but no matter how much I try I'm never good enough. I am not even good at the video games that used to bring me happiness anymore. My parents never tell me they love me and tell me to go to hell and that I have the face of Satan. There is nothing more I want than to disappear.

@ajasatya I don't care that you were sexually abused. I don't care that you are small. I don't care about how much money you have. I don't care if you think you are good at math. If you're not a living super computer I'm not impressed. This world is only for those who can be on top of the food chain You are of no help. Just stop replying.

@Surfingthewave Insight. But all I'm being told I'm being whiny. love is dependent upon being "worthy" and this "unconditional love" is a lie. Everyone chooses someone whether or not they are "good enough" for their needs and maximizes their survival. @d0ornokey Dan Bilzerian is a hubris, debaucherous sack of shit.

I have an embarrassing trauma that makes me less of a person. I'm not the "ideal man" of being tall, built like a tank, having a lot of money I don't have the right facial features, I am not particularly good at anything, there is nothing special about broken ass Afghanistan with it's uninteresting culture and boring locations. Life is only worth living only if you are at the top of the food chain.

@LeoX8 Why do you talk as if it is so simple?

@Raptorsin7 occultism isn't the bull shit what modern religion makes it out to be

@Raptorsin7 at this point, I don't care. The abrahamic concept of hell is a farce and all of reality is a hallucination anyway. All notions are relative. So it isn't "evil"

Don't do what?

@Mikael89 I'll take my chances by selling my soul to the devil. He seems a lot better than the phony abrahamic God that I have stopped fearing for a long time. Who knows about being reincarnated as a girl. If you're an ugly girl, you're just as screwed as a boy.

none of you have been any help and this forum is pointless

no amount of pain from that stick can match the pain of being unwanted

every day feels too late. nothing ever feels good enough. I can't even get help or someone to listen. Maybe my sob story isnt worth hearing over anyone else

"Maybe we'll turn it all around, cause it's not too late, it's never too late" I feel ya m8... I never lived up to my own self image and feel it is too late sometimes...

I'll feel good enough for this world when I can draw like a printer and sing like an angel. Where do people go to find such knowledge. Its like its locked behind sealed vaults. I'll feel good enough when I am a handsome chad like superman. But I'm not. Unconditional love is a lie.

@bejapuskas BUT. HOW. There is a winner because there is a loser. The distinction of what is desirable and undesirable is what brings you closer to a end goal. People generally want someone who has money and is strong because it means protection; and more protection means increased chances of survival and the more care free you can be to enjoy life. And what if you're not any of that? Humans are cold and apathetic towards anything that doesn't concern them. (How many people are really going to take action against the amazon wild fires? Let alone problems that have existed since our genesis such as homelessness and hunger.) This something all throughout the animal kingdom, where everyone competes for survival, and the "undesirable" are pushed away and left to die. And in this world of "survival of the fittest" and "natural selection" the only options are be the "best" or die. And for years I'm just left wondering what is the point of living in this existence if those are the only options. What is the point if you're not the most attractive, richest and strongest if you're going to get trampled on anyway?

@tsuki and you never answered how a person could know if they were any good if they didn't compare themselves to other people. Do you compete against your self in the olympics? Do you compete against your self in the market place?

@tsuki Okay... but humans are constantly putting each other down and seeking out those that they deem that maximizes their survival; the richest, the strongest and whatever. "Those that are the best" like those who went to the best university, have the best income, can feel protected around, has attractive "features" and whatever, but those are generally the "requirements." That is why there is an "alpha" that humans strive to be. The 2nd part, what? The 3rd part, okay, and how that stopped anyone from putting another person down? There is still plenty to "worry" about even when basic needs are taken care of. It isn't enough for someone just to have the basic needs met. I mean, *generally* it is the "desirable" thing to want is someone who has a lot of money, is strong, has some "unique" talent, In this world run by natural selection, where "undesirable traits" are pushed out of the gene pool, you are left to die.

@ajasatya Didn't Leo say in his videos that survival is a zero sum game, what is good for you isn't good for someone else :-/ ? sorry @tsuki That is a lot to comprehend. I will have to get back to you on it. I do journal in a way, I text a trusted friend about my insights.

@Fishy Just normal meditation, clearing out thoughts. And a little bit of focusing on chakras. @tsuki but isn't survival a zero sum game? What's good for you isn't good for another? Even if we will disappear even in memory, it still doesn't stop people from discriminating against those they deem "not good enough." I mean, who wants to be with someone who has money problems, looks "ugly" and can't feel safe with? Isn't that what we're all doing each day? maximizing our survival? Something Leo said it the fiber of our being? Okay, I kinda got what you were saying there... But who is really willing to be with a person that is skinny, weak, money problems, doesn't seem to have any unique talents, all the things that would make a person undesirable?

@tsuki Then why do humans constantly put each other down and always want to feel like they are on top? "Natural Selection?" What about all the other writers, inventors, artists etc. through out history that have been forgotten throughout history because they weren't like Shakespeare and Da Vinci? I'm not trying to argue with you. I am genuinely convinced this is how existence works. Survival is a zero sum game How would could you know you were any "good" if you never compared yourself to anyone? We know what good is because we make a distinction of bad. How are winners determined then? What makes comparing people any different? @Raptorsin7 6 months. I still don't see how I would know I would be "good enough" if I dont compare my self to others

@Raptorsin7 I already meditate for 1 hour straight a day, and still bumping it up. The effects are barely taking place. @tsuki expectations are too high? The world we live in is survival of the fittest. If you're not good enough you are deemed unwanted and pretty much left to die. I don't want to be a playboy, and chad isn't necessarily interchangeable with a playboy who bangs left and right. It could mean someone like (I know he is a fiction) like Bruce Wayne, peak personal development. If one is not rich, then what? All the best things this world has to offer need towers high worth of money. What about the alternative? Living in a boring house/apartment with little to no views, eating bland food etc? @BjarkeT I hope so to @ajasatya Is it really a parenting thing to do to tell your kid that he's a worthless piece of shit, hellbound and hideous like the devil? Idk about that guy, if that's what he envisions for himself I guess. It's a survival of the fittest world. If you're not "good enough" you're left to die.

@Shiva so channels like those thrive off of making people feel inadequate?

So I came across this video Alux is the pinnacle stage orange. They glorify being rich yet look away from the evils that come from giant corporations that pollute the planet and don't care that Jeff Bezos breaks labor laws. I watch them occasionally, when some titles catch my eye. And this had me thinking a question I have for a long time. How would we know what was good if we never knew what was bad? There are some things about reality can't change. Women want a provider and protector. Their biological clock goes faster and they have to get a partner faster than men. We all can't be handsome like (insert attractive male)? We all can't be rich like Jeff Bezos? Isn't this a zero sum game; survival, like Leo said it is? I mean, if we are praising one quality, aren't we putting one down? I am still stuck in stage orange, and not advanced like Leo, so talk at a stage orange level

So what can one do when they feel inadequate? Like they feel like they don't fit the ideal "trope" like being jacked and being mega rich?

So I just think that this is one of the most important videos out there. And in it, Leo says, you have to carefully observe you are behaving like a devil. It won't happen in 5 minutes, after watching the video, in a year. But it may take a life time. While I was at work, I had a the "ah ha!" moments when you're just subconsciously thinking about this. I now understand. All my life goals. Why do I want it? I really had to admit so I can have a sense of feeling above people. The people I dislike? Because they don't fit in with the sense of "me." And now I understand everyone else. Now I have to ask? What now from here? What happens after you can really admit you are the devil?