Healingheart

If I don't focus on being aware, my mind has all these thoughts uncounsciously (ofcours). But these thoughts are so negative, when I go in these thoughts without being aware a whole shitshow happens. I start to feel anxious, depressed, angry. When I'm talking to myself I'm much more positive, looking for solutions, a small bit aware. It's like the more I'm unaware, the worse my thoughts are. I finally realize this, my ego doesn't care if I want to be happy. It's so funny that one year ago, I was like ''fuck this awareness, it doesn't matter''. And now I'm like daaaaaaamn, awareness is more important then working out, eating healthy,.. fucking hell.

@Aakash Thanks for the reply. I've done therapy and I thought about my past. I know where this triggers come from. But I'm like ''Wy do I keep thinkinh these thoughts when in reality everything is safe''. I'm a bit of a mess right now since I finally am conscious that my thoughts make me feel bad. I already knew it but wasn't aware. And know I don't know what to do in life. I mean consciousness, but that's the thing I tried to avoid my whole life. hahaha greetings

Hey man, I used to have tinnitus for a few months after my panick attacks. Since I'm taking high quality omega 3. The panick attacks have gone away and the tinnitus is gone. I take two supplements a day. Just a personal experience. It can be of to much inflammation..

I decided to take action today. I tried to live innthe moment today and it was so difficult. I didn't realize I was thinking so much about the future and the past. My anxiety has lowered inmediatly. So the answer is living in the now, just as I'm typing this. The hard part about this, you have to concentrate to live in the now. Now now now awereness is key

Hey guys, I've been doing selfactualization for more than a year. A few months ago I took magic mushrooms and ended in the hospital. I had a huge panick attack. (I took the shrooms when I felt very sad and fatigued) Since then my life has changed, I have all these spasms in my body and I have panick attacks which I didn't have before. The only thing is that I feel more like myself. I quit meditation after that incident. Now I will try to get my life fixed. But the best thing I can do is go for enlightnement. Cause living with anxiety 24/7 is not fun. Same thing with taking yourself so serious. I know there will be a lot of backlash. But hey, I have no choice if I want to grow.

I've been trying to quit addictions for years. And besides the mental withdrawels, I had massive weird physical symptomps. The biggest thing I had/have is the pain of my stomach. Feeling knots. I have had this for years. But I wasn't aware of it. So when I feel deeply in to the feeling I get panick attacks. Now when I accept the panick attacks, the stomach pain goes away. But yeah I feel anxious. So all these years I was just anxious in my body.. It's true, emotions that aren't felt go into your body. Crazy

I just wanted to say that it's crazy how so many people survived emotional/physical abuse any other trauma. All the coping mechanisms had to be used. as an adult it's not that handy anymore. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're a survivor! You have power

Oow man, I know that feeling of frustration. I had this for years. Still got these moments. You need to learn what women want in a man. It is not only status. The thing is, getting mad on how women are is just a waste of energy and it makes you unhappy. Become the best you for you.

@Hellspeed @Nahm Thanks for your opinion. It's like there is so much energy stored in that feeling. It's funny how I start to rationalize that I first need scientific evidence. Even from own experience I have had catharsis. So still my mind is denying this. Have a great day!

Hey guys, I am getting some progress in terms of emotional mastery (still a noob). Here is my story. When I don't do any addictions and being aware of my emotions I start to have pain under my sternum. When I accept this pain it dissolves into sadness. Lately I've been trying to be more loving and this emotion is getting bigger. It's like my body is finally letting go of the emotion. Now the thing is I get small panick attacks and I think I will die if I feel this feeling. I've read this in a book that 'fear' is the last thing that makes you run from the emotion. Has anybody got experience with feeling an emotion that is is so scary? Any experience would help me a lot!

Hey guys. Would love your opinion on this. I have stress and pain around my heart. Like just beneath my sternum. A knot feeling. Doctors have said it is stress. Now the thing is, it goes away after cuddling/sex with a person. I just have a girlfriend and when I cuddle I feel that feeling dissolving. But when she's gone it's there immediatly. So the solution is probably self love. I've tried it before and I always have an ego backlash where I start to hate others and myself. How does one develop self love?

Hey guys, Would love your opinion. I grew up with a narcistic single mother. I had to switch homes to my grandparents every year a few times. Now I'm an adult male. I feel lonely even when I'm with people. The thing I crave is someone to cuddle me. But cuddle for a long time. So I can feel safe. This is a problem. Advice please.

Thanks everyone, The thing I try to do with actualized with org is to focus on my defecits/weaknesses and try to feel them and get them out of my system. This hasn't worked so far, cause I don't accept these feelings and I don't want to live with them. Just want them away asap. @Charlotte Such a kind person. The love you give others is superb. Thanks. @Seed That is true, I always feel like I'm the only one in this world who suffers even when I logically know other people suffer aswell. It's crazy what loneliness does. Thanks for the advice. @Pilgrim Thanks for your point of view. So many people struggle indeed.. And Yes, I would be this very nice guy, acting all different, not being authentic. The crazy thing now is, when I observe this behaviour, I realize that this is so automatic, it's like BAM! I act like a different person. A lot of gratitude towards this forum.

@Charlotte Hey Charlotte, I've been going weekly to a therapist for over 3 months. It has helped a lot. I discovered my real youth and not what I made up in my mind. He's telling me now that I need to realize that I live in the moment, but I'm forgetting it always. The only thing I crave is validation from my mother and her saying everything is oke. (it feels like I'm 5 years old atm) @universe I've cuddled with past girlfriends, but it never seems enough. I just want it from one person, my mother (eventhough she abused me). The thing you said about the present and about cuddling is true. Thanks for the advice. Have a great weekend.

Hi guys, I'm a 22 year old guy from Europe. I've been following actualized.org for a good year now. As I started my personal development I focused on succes. I thought that this would make my life good. Same as with nofap, thought this would make me happy. I've spent 6 years on nofap forums, thinking this will cure my happiness. I bought some Tony Robbin books, listened to a lot of motivational speeches, did a lot of affirmations, watched Leo's videos. It made me very motivated, but I always crashed since there was this deep sadness inside of me I didn't know of. Until the last months... I had a very bad and turbulent childhood. I had a narcisstic mother who was very abusive to me and destroyed my selfworth. Had some of her boyfriends bully me, bullied on school,... Just a terrible situation. I am seeing now by reading books about narcissism and going to therapy what the reality was. I always denied this and was unconscious. Wich is a obvious self defensive mechanism of the human. At this point I'm really healing from the trauma instead of running away from it. I crashed the last weeks, had a lot of feelings and flashbacks that I have forgotten. SO I want to heal. I want to accept my past. This wil be my journal where I just write some things down that come in my mind. First thing first, I can't push myself in healing. I want this to go over soon, so I push myself. Push myself so hard, healing don't take place. So I'll take it slow. The thing I struggle the hardest with is not being loved unconditionally. From being a golden child to being a scapegoat. I understand it logically, but emotionally, I do not. I have a lot of trouble accepting this. I do recognize it happened. Finally after 7 years. So that's the first step. But accepting,.. man that's some hard shit.

Hey guys, Would love some advice or some perspective. So last year I started watching ''the victim episodes'' from leo. I got angry for a few months cause I didn't want to accept I was acting as a victim. After that I decided to stop being a victim. So I began to believe I could take action in my life. But the thing is.. I did a major deception. I deceived myself as not being a victim anymore, saying I could do anything I want. But getting mad at life, people and myself. So the thing I did was basically taking responsibilty of the now, without acknowledging the past. Now I come to the realization that I can't take control of my life if I deny the past. I know the past has happened, I know these things happened to me, but still it feels like it didn't happen to me. Wy don't I wanna accept I was hurt in the past? Wy don't I accept the fact that I have low self esteem? Wy defend myself, it doesn't work?

Holy shit, I feel very bad. My body hurts, so many emotions. I'm tensing my body up. I'll focus and relax. It's been all day, can't even take a break and be in the moment. The feeling I have is anxiety. Anxiety for life. But I'm doing better. I feel motivated again. But my consciousness... It's terrible at the moment. I have the problem with the victim mindset. I don't want to accept the past for myself. It's like I'm accepting the past for someone else. So good at deception. I'll do some affirmations and I'll get off social media.

Oke, I'm getting better. Feeling more at ease in my body. Nofap feels good for my body. Maybe it's placebo, but it defenitly feels better. So I will try to be more honest to myself. I do have fears and have low self esteem. In fact I've always had them as a child, a reflection of my mother. SO now I'm honest about it I can finally work on it. Now I have this feeling of not feeling enough, being rejected. This feeling is oke, this is a feeling I've always rejected in the past. I can feel worthless, but I'm not worthless.

So the biggest thing I learned today is that I have fear. Fear of being alone. I always thought the feeling was loneliness, but now I finally see it's mostly fear. Oke a new emotion.

I'm coming up with all these excuses to not love myself or to get angry at myself. These reasons are bullshit and are reflections of others. It's time to accept myself. Let's do some affirmations.

Hello, It's evening and I'm scared of getting panick attacks. It is oke though. These fears are fears of the past and emotions come and go! I begin to realize how much I denied in the past. My body is saying no to succes, to searching for validation. I want love, love is what I missed in the past, love is what I need. Love from others will only be a bandage. I need to love myself, but it's hard sometimes. There no good reasons to hate myself, but still I do. I need to accept that this hate for myself is hate that other people reflected on me. it is time to start loving myself and to forgive other people. The people who've huyrt me didn't know better, they were unconscious, and were not raised that good. I can have anger, I can have these feelings of blame. But these are parts of the process. I'm motivated to work on my relationships and I know I can be happy! I also want to write down how sad I feel. This sadness of feeling alone, not having a good connection to others (including myself). The sadness of life. Just a deep sadness how life went so far. This is sadness of regret, the feeling like somebdoy has took something of my life. The melancholic look at my childhood. The times I felt free, people just accepted me, or I atleast accepted myself. I realise that I can only fix this by getting to know myself, getting into a good relationship with myself. Going outside, taking care of myself, accepting myself. It's love, love, love, validation I need from myself in this time. I will get through this. It's possible to heal from trauma as long as you have it conscious. Peace guys!

Yesterday I had a panick attack. I accepted it, but was still scared to really feel it due to the intensity of the feelings. I dreamt, I dreamt about my mother not being my mother, that all of this was fake. That I have been adopted by someone. That I did have a father. So.. I had these thoughts when I was very young. Wy? Wy was I so scared of my mom not being my mom. - I think it's because my mother is a narcissist and treated me as a golden child/partner till I was around 7. Then she slowly started to use me as a scapegoat. This all happened subconsciously, I didn't know what was happening. So I started to get anxiety cause the behavior of my mother started to change. I forgot this feeling, but it was constantly around. A fear of what she could do to me. It's cool to see that child can intelligently feel that something isn't right and that's in danger. Even when he doesn't have the knowledge. This is one of the reasons I try to behave in a certain manner to people so they act friendly and not get angry at me. Finally beginning to see one of the root causes of my neurotici. It's digging deep, but it is needed.

Hey man, I just read your story. I feel for you. These feelings have to come from somewhere. I have the same feeling, this knot in my chest. It's where your heart chakra is located. I've been going to therapy for a few months now, and soemtimes it flinches and opens for a few seconds. This is a sign that you don't love yourself enough. It takes work. ''I never thought anything of it and don't know if I had any particularly severe forms of abuse or neglect.'' Same thing with me, I denied the fact that my mothed abused me and that she didn't love me. These are coping mechanism. Your mind distords reality so you can survive without feeling the emotions, wich eventually you'll have to do cause you'll get physical pains (pain in chest, not being flexibel, no focus,..) But you are not me, so maybe it's something else. If you ever want to chat or skype, feel free to send me something. I wish you the best!

This day has been eye opening. I started the day doing all kind of low - conscious shit. Trying to get away from my feelings, which didn't work. I'm to aware of these behaviors. I decided to go for a walk in nature. It was so relaxing, I will do the same thing tomorrow morning. I need to get love, love for myself. Almost my whole life is based on validation. Chasing love from people I don't know or don't care of. Trying to protect myself from others. I feel almost 24/7 stressed, cause I feel I need to prove myself. This is so subconscious since I don't have thoughts, just feelings. Yesterday I realised (during therapy) that this cause I wasn't uncondtionally loved by my mother. And the people who take care of me always moralized me. It's time to find my authentic self, the self that is true, that doesn't have all this rules. The self that loves himself. Last time I felt this was when I was very young, today I felt it again. In nature, in the woods, nobody's judging. I can love myself. I can have fears. I can validate myself. I can forgive myself. I can forgive others.

Oke, this will be a venting post. I have a lot to think about. Let's begin with something positive first. Yesterday, when I tried to go to sleep, my heart started to pumping and I felt a lot of blood flowing to my chest area and my right leg. It felt like I was healing. Out of nowhere I felt this knot in my chest opening up. It did hurt, but felt so good. It was a catharsis. This meditation thing is really helping. So much trauma is coming to the surface, all these emotions were/are in my body. With my therapy sessions,.. It's like starting all over, it's like discovering all these parts I didn't know I had. For example anxiety, I wish I had some social anxiety, but I almost didn't felt it. Now I see I denied all these feelings by being unconscious. I literally start to get mad at everything, start judging anyone when I feel threatened. I didn't know there was so much fear, since I didn't feel it when I was younger. It's like getting back to basics, starting to feel how human I am, starting to see how many parts of me I denied. How low self esteem I have. How negative I am. The good thing is that I get a whole life ahead of me. So much potential. So many things to do, to experience. It will be a hard part, where I will feel a lot of emotions. Will see hard truths. I feel so alone right now. Alone and empty. Little love inside of me. And love is what I needed the most, namely unconditional love. Who can give me this? Me! The only person who needed to give me that was my mother, unfortunatly she was unable to do since she didn't love herself. Love, love, love. Not egotistical love. Just love in general. It will not come out of nowhere. It is required by training. I really need/want to love myself. There is no reason I shouldn't love myself. People do evil. I also see this evil in myself. It is hard to accept it. Going to do some affirmations. Peace.