karkaore

I really fucking love her. This feels more real than anything. I can't stop crying when thinking about us. We were perfect. All of our fights, breakups and heartbreaks were perfect. We were not meant to be together. That's not what is hurting me. What's hurting me is that I still feel like I've let her down. I feel like I should have been better. And knowing that everything is the way it is, just is, doesn't really help much here. I FUCKING LOVE HER. The fact that we were not ready for that relationship is the hardest thing for me to accept right now. I enjoy this suffering in a way. I am getting stronger with every tear. However, I didn't imagine this to be so damn heavy.. Sometimes I doubt that I can get over this on my own.

@Proactive Testosterone is pouring out AF, that's for sure.? Thanks for the support! ❤️

So I am 5 days in into army. 16 guys in one room, double height beds. These guys are ok, some are a bit more, some less annoying. But i feel compassion for all of them. They all have the same light in their eyes. I don't really have any free time (2-4 times a week for 30-40min phone is allowed) so i won't be around all that much. Existential questions do not get as much attention as before. However, the work done on discipline, time management and responsibilities is top notch. Feeling improvements and ego resistance already. This is gonna be great. Gonna get stronger, determined and the path will highjack enormously. I can only meditate lying in bed before sleep, so I am working with what I've got. Since I am here for 9 months, this should improve my personality in the relative and walking the path should be much easier after. Keep at it!

Lying is relative. If one is lying to onself for so long, that lie becomes truth from ones perspective.

Start low, get used to the substance. Chances are, you don't yet know what you have to lose.? Make sure you use the ingredients (even the brand of the ingredients makes a difference) listed in the video. Try to follow as closely as you can. Sorry, but can't hold myself to ask this: What are you going to tell your parents when cooking it? "Hey mom, hey dad, i'm making brownies out of chunks of wood, would you like to try?"??

@electroBeam gordotek has a video on how to extract dmt as well. it's legit.

So I've thought that I am addicted to nicotine. Smoking ever since 16. Am 23 at the moment. So I've went out on a mini retreat with a bike, Stayed with my grandma for the last 4 days, throughout the day mostly riding, reading, writing notes and meditating in nature. Didn't have any tobacco on me, just ~0.2g of weed. Didn't have a craving for a cigarette once. Changing environment changes my psyche. Have noticed the same dynamic with other bad habits. Was a full o stoner back in UK, moved back home to Lithuania - the problem stayed camping in UK. ? Other habits are trying to take place, but that's manageable at this time.

Self-honesty. Am I being honest to myself and others? Am I not biased towards my own agenda? Do I accept and reflect what is simply there, without misinterpreting it to serve my self-survival? Considering that I have a sense of worry, purposelessness and lack of satisfaction - the answer has to be no, I am not honest. Tough truth to stomach. I always told myself I am honest. Funny how the same dynamic appears. I am watching you, buddy. ?

What would it be like to stop self-surviving? What doors would it open? And most importantly, how does one do it? Would I have the courage? All I know is that I am scared but at the same time attracted to it. Feels like I am going insane. But what is insanity? I can't find the answer that's not relative. Is there a place called insanity? I am not losing my knowledge, which I have very little, nor am I losing my memories or logic. This feels more like existential insanity. Great then. Keep going.

@SunnyNewDay Absolutely.

@ethanb121 How old are you? Any hobbies? Work? I know where you at. Had the same viscous cycle going on. The doses were increasing, times per day were increasing to the point where I would only get somewhat high only in the morning, rest were just a waste of cush. Best advice I could give is to move to a different country. Second best, reorganize the whole day schedule, start exercising, drop all friends who smoke. You can manage to get that shit together. The question is, do you really want to.

@Swagala @Swagala wanna switch characters?? how in the world do people go so deep on weed. I am jealous! ? Very happy for you my friend. ❤️

Why am I insecure when it comes to taking the first step? What am I afraid of? I feel like the vocabulary just goes. Some sort of lag in the brain happens. Funny enough I've had serious 5y/o relationship, feel quite confident in the whole area. It's just this first moments that bother me. Approaching a girl is harder than having a fucking awakening. I find it hard to relate to people in general too. Have a narrow but strong, close cycle of friends. No girl-friends. Maybe that's a clue to something. What does one do about this? What's the psychology behind this insecurity?

@PhilGR @PhilGR thanks ?

Niice ❤️

What is the self? I'd say it's my thoughts, memories, assumptions, concepts, ideologies, ect. But who is aware of them then? Me, I, Self as in higher Self, awareness? I am aware of myself? What is all this? I have never located the self. How come in tend to cling to it then? The fact that I've used the word MY has a deep issue. A core assumption that I as an ego exist. How do I disidentify with this misinterpretation? How do I pull it out by it's root? I feel like I've got the answer. I feel like I am about to breakthrough but I don't. What is missing here? Where is this blind spot? Is it my desire for it that's holding me back? Why do I even care about it? Am I being honest of my reasoning? I think I am. Of course I do. How can I think otherwise? Sneaky snake.? It keeps telling me it's all good while at the same time seeking for something more, causing suffering by tricking itself. This is bullshit. I don't buy it. But why do I still feel this purposelessness? What is it trying to tell me? I know I am IT! There are no doubts. But something is missing. This must be the reason why I can't find it.

@Nahm Thanks dude.? @Inliytened1 Yeah, especially when meditating while high on weed. Happens when sober occasionally too. Sometimes get the spinning sensation, sometimes an energetic pull towards root chakra, sometimes crown, other times third eye starts to build up loads of heat and that "blue light" or whatever they call it starts pulsating. I am pretty sure that heart is open though.

Well that's just.... fucked.?? What a viscous cycle.

Is it mine? No. Do i only tell myself that? Maybe. I keep popping in and out if the state of being. This is where this desire to hold on to it comes in. This is Ego. This desire is not mine. It still manages to fuck with the head. ? The more i investigate honesty the more i lean towards the more of not-knowing = the more of honesty The why I want to is because I am certain that this is not the way to go. I see that beliefs and assumptions are limitations to being. If it were pulled a month ago, hmm.. well I don't know what I'd be doing. Most likely be sitting here trying to unravel another story I tell myself.

@Ones Beautifully put. Love it. ❤️

@Meditationdude it doesn't sound like you want to reach anything here besides comfort.

Godspeed ❤️

you want to get out? where? where do you feel you are now and where do you want to be?

So now there is no such thing. Lolz. What I've been before, what I am and what I will ever be is this right here. No explanation does justice to this realization. There is no-thing. There is what there is.

@OctagonOctopus you too..! ❤