BKH

For the exams from the previous semester, I would analyze my results and look for what I lacked and make a plan to study to fill in any large holes if I have any. I would also do some short reviews every week to maintain the knowledge fresh (practicing on old exams are great), in this way you won't have to study much (or at all) when the exams come again.

I was quite the gym nut, I had a girlfriend who was really amazing in many ways, but I broke up with her. It didn't get me anywhere with girls/women, and in retrospect, it would have been cooler if we could have evolved our relationship further. BUT! Reading some comments from other people on these forums on how they 'missed a chance' etc, I want to state one important deep insight point from the truest enlightenment experiences I've had: Nothing is actually ever lost! And it cannot be. That is how infinite reality is! So it is always, always, always, completely and utterly pointless to regret and feel down about anything of the past. The sense of something lost generates the lack in the now which attracts the same experience again. Now, back to the gym and working out, I still think being fit is great, but I've completely let go of the obsession of it. I'm currently focused on animal rights activism. I find it something really meaningful where I can engage with people, regardless of where they come from, gender, age etc. It is a curious play, I observe how all of us are carrying a TON of prejudices, but when we are focused on the common cause it goes away. These last years I've come to see how any person. - Can be crazy hot or ugly depending on such small little changes, both how they appear and from how we think about them. For example think about the huge difference between someone dressed up for going out, and how they look the morning after if they have drunk too much. The mind can be disgusted or attracted, or both or neither by either of these states! This was actually something I understood very long ago, now that I think about it. - Everyone is capable of being really good and kindhearted, and also really cruel and thoughtless, but nowadays it is mostly in thought and speech. Keeping this in mind has helped me to be really forgiving. I still encourage speaking your mind when you notice something cruel. - When we objectify others by judging looks etc, we automatically objectify ourselves. I used to judge this a lot, but have realized that this is actually completely fine, as long as we can still have good laugh and a sense of humor about it! I even let go of my obsession with no-fap the other day, because I found it is just so silly to be locked into endless thought trains! Good habits are still good habits, but loving life can be done anyways and always! Reality has no strict rules other than those we choose to accept/create! Exploring these contrasts have helped me immensely in letting go of obsessing over goals in a way that hinders them from being realized. Just like many, I would love to be with a really hot girl, especially someone I can fall in love with and who can fall in love with me, who is on the same wavelength on what is really important for the future of our planet. But at the same time, I see that this is actually anyone! Any person can be that good and attractive! Still, the mind has its prejudices, and I've come to terms with carrying those around myself too. I've seen that it is so easy when I just stop thinking so hard that just because someone is a girl and is hot she wouldn't really want to be with me. The 'tactic' is simple, just love everyone around you including yourself, in a really forgiving way, and realize that you are being an unjust and selfish bastard by holding yourself back from interacting with people. Noone is in control. No one has the ultimate truth, but everything at the same time is IT. It feels so freaking good to just smile and speak from the heart no matter if I'm with others or alone, no matter the circumstances. And when I can't smile, I'm just feeling fine with myself anyway, letting myself feel angry or sad if I feel sad or angry, knowing that reality has my back because I have reality's back. This makes so much sense from a spiritual point of view too, everyone and everything actually is ourselves! To give an example from my life, just this night I was at a casual potluck party with friends of the cause I'm involved in, and one of the girls is definitely really attractive to me. We were watching a movie and she had to go earlier to meet with some other friends of her. As she was leaving she began hugging the people on the sofa behind me. Before, I used to be anxious and stand up to make sure I got a hug. Now I realized, this is so unnecessary and just puts people off by creating tension. Instead, I just relaxed and didn't even look where she was going. She came by and we shared a really warm hug. I knew I could have gone with her at that moment too for a while, maybe even convinced her to not go to her friends, and it would have been great. And either way is always fine. The mind is so obsessed with the binary options, one option good, one option bad. Reality is not that way! Instead, she went and surely influenced her friends in some positive way. I stayed without regrets and helped the guy who hosted the party to clean a bit extra, since I saw his apartment was messy and I know he works really hard waking up very early every morning, and helping him a bit extra will make him perform better for our common cause. This leads to a third point: There's really no hurry to have that hot sex! But this also means, it can be at any time, it doesn't need to be put as a goal of some sort! So, counter-intuitively, be less selective with people in terms of who they are, but still be selective in what matters deeply. In my case, it is changing the lives of everyone on the planet for the better through activism for animal rights. I know the girl I met this weekend has her heart set like this too, and so many more people around the world are coming to these insights; we humans have abused the world for too long. Looking at spiral dynamics It might seem we are just shifting into stage green. Indeed we are, but by recognizing animal rights worldwide and ending speciesism we can integrate later stages too because religion and spirituality have also been made out to be only about humans. The ultimate truths will then be more easily realized globally, such that there are no actual things, no divisions of subject/object or actual causality inherent to reality etc. I know this post is a bit all over the place, but that's just how I am too.

Life 'after enlightenment' Dividing topics based on a pyramid model of reality (I forgot who made it) in an attempt to structure this journal a bit. From bottom to top: Survival - Motivation - Inspiration - Being Survival and motivation Very practical: I think I can remedy evening binging on food by just drinking water instead, and not being too dead set on fasting and just enjoy preparing a small thoughtful meal instead. Also, I'd like to get back a bit into yoga. Lately, I've been motivated only to do the bare minimum expect for activism. I have a mental block from doing things I did last year October to November/December, when I managed to almost daily create content for my blog, Instagram and YouTube while applying for jobs. It dipped when I wasn't strong enough to find an apartment on my own but instead agreed on renting the one my parents had bought 'for me' (a terrible pretext for getting rid of the inconvenience of having someone both enlightened and vegan around). I am part of a vegan animal rights activist group since February. Gradually the people I meet there seem to replace the functions and dysfunctions of my family. As soon as the real cause is forgotten I see how ridiculous ego games make things go 'stuck'. Even when the cause is remembered, things are often seen with binary goggles. Then when the actual activism is happening it is really beautiful how reality works as a whole enlightening itself. No matter who people are, everyone is capable of learning the truth and realize that our cultural ego is destroying the planet rapidly in its ignorance. Inspiration Somewhere in between lies a zone of extreme levels of creativity and intelligence, but without being anchored in stage orange, it seems senseless to me to produce ideas upon ideas without having the infrastructure of people and skills to realize them in. When I was in this zone, it seemed I could come up with solutions for any problem within a blink of an eye. But, what use are those when you are not connected to society in the right way? For example, what use it is to be able to come up with awesome architectural designs for the future when you are not involved with the architects who city planners choose. Or when ideas perhaps cannot even be constructed yet because our technology is not evolved enough. How do you organize yourself if your brain sprouts in a thousand directions? I wish I could anchor inspiration into more practical things, and then get into a scheduled day-to-day flow. Being I spend very little time here lately. The mind has been so full of practical worries, I have almost felt completely insane at times. In the past I kind of enjoyed contemplating death, but lately it has seemed like to close to actually being a true possibility for comfort. Like, society is actually stupid and crazy enough that someone might kill me by sheer stupidity and ignorance. Far from the immortal safety I enjoyed some years ago. Here are some reflections on my meditation sessions as of late, which are very unstructured. Usually, I just lie as flat as I can in bed, watch thoughts, the breath, do nothing while trying to be as aware of every perception as I can. It is strange how all relationships are reflections of the same, like endless mirrors within mirrors... Lately, I've been seeing how the play of personalities within the illusion of existence is both very silly, but at the same time really really beautiful. Keeping several perspectives in mind helps me to not be too bogged down into seriousness. But pretending everything is dead serious has gotten a lot of 'stuff' done, as in making me start to play the society game more efficiently as many others do. This is like 'stage orange'. It is just extremely painful for my ego to align itself with truth in this way after knowing how sweet 'life' is at stages beyond turquoise, in fully detached non-dual mystical awareness, really close to detaching from all physical needs. Also knowing in part that stage orange is in part a 'sham'. So much of society is judged on useless merits, what is the best way to skip them and get to getting shit done? When meditating I have the sensation of myself having so many layers of thoughts and images these days compared to some years ago, when I got 'traction' almost immediately sitting down for a session. But still, there is even less of a real 'I' when examined closely, and in this sense. I guess I have 'made progress'. Sometimes wonder if it makes sense to stay within the linear time-line and earth-narrative after having already experienced its breakdown and the possibility of exiting it. I carry the memories of a sense of existence outside of the limited person that is something so extraordinarily beautiful, what has been shown to me in glimpses. Now I feel trying to go there is a temptation for the ego, instead, I would prefer that a larger 'chunk' (for a lack of a better word) of consciousness evolves towards it. I feel that going for mystical experiences on my own as I did in the past is not worth it unless I can bring humanity and even other species along.

I've been a follower of self-actualization work since 2016. So why haven't I made a journal sooner? Only during the last year have I began to understand how little one can do unless in the right forum. One can be Buddha in the forest, but one won't change the world a bit. I've had an idealistic notion that it is fine just have an ordinary blog where I occasionally write about enlightenment, and people would just understand and dig what I wrote. Well. That hasn't worked at all. It was very unrealistic and naïve to think it would. So I am writing here to have a place where at least there is a bit more than a slim chance that someone gets it. Also because I see that my ego desperately wants to avoid it. Have I learned anything, it is that where there is resistance, that's exactly where you have to go. I'll think I'll begin by just write whatever comes to mind. To start with, thoughts from today's contemplation: I can see how there is no me and no actual thing that is me. Personalities are actually non-existent! Now, to talk about a true self also seems false! But somehow there is a paradox, since, there is something that leads and reveals itself. Something I sense I believe in. I can't say it is anything other than existence itself. Some brutal truths about myself: For most of my life, I have been wrapped up in a false image of myself in relation to parents and siblings, in their version of who I am. This has dragged down my potential to realize myself and my ideas. To start a business for developing the computer game I have written the design proposal for, to invest and spend enough money on things I think I should have. To finish the book, article, treatise (see I can't even decide which!) about truth in relation to mathematics and consciousness. To clean up all my ideas and actually implement them to benefit people. Who I want to be is a kind of combination of a high-tech environmental and animal activist, who also has successful businesses growing. What I fear is becoming bound up in only one thing, and also being rejected, something huge I'm carrying all the way from childhood which inhibits me from speaking up and speaking out. Some practical problems at the moment: Binging. At least it is on vegan food, I do my best to shop the best I can find. Still, it's almost uncontrollable, as soon as I consider pursuing any of my creative ideas. Another version of this is, I want to run away from anything I publish, write etc., to escape 'retaliation'. So I seem to fear commitment like hell right now. I'm unemployed, with social aid that I apply for every month. This is both good and bad, mostly just depending on what perspective I view it through. Of course, it would be empowering to have income directly related to something I create, but I also think that can limit one's freedom a bit unless one is careful.

So much unenlightened ego and materialism here... realize that nothing really changes with the numbers in a bank account! The ego likes to think it does, but, it doesn't! We are always exactly where we are, within the infinite meditation... Nothing does really change with the marriage ending. Labels upon what is actually true... all of reality's imaginable resources are actually at our disposal. Can you see that she was already the 'richest' woman within the marriage? That is what marriage is, agreeing upon an idea of sharing pooled resources within the constraints of the law (as long as you follow it). Only the devil/ego wants to project an 'evil' intent behind the perceived non-self (which do not REALLY exist).

The thing with the ego is, there are no separate individuals.. this realization is the unstoppable virus that might eventually liberate humanity, hopefully by even stopping from identifying itself as such. It is already spreading all over the world with 'normal people', like me having had enlightenment experiences and eventually living with the realization we don't really exist daily. Once it is sown, there is nothing to do about it. 'We' may go unconscious awhile, then we come back to the truth that we don't exist. We have no real mind of 'our own', existence is ultimately completely permeable. But the truth should also make us very humble, because with it comes the fact that 'enlightened people' do not really exist either! It is really just consciousness transmitting pointers to the truth through language back and forth. In this sense just living the ordinary life, trying our best to love and understand everyone equally once 'enlightened' is perhaps the best one can do. Actually, with enlightenment should come the knowledge that there is no thing such as best or worst. At least I feel like this is becoming more and more integrated with my being. All that ever happened to me was good, and can be seen from infinite perspectives. And all that will happen is also good. With nothing special to look for, an enormous trust seems to be gradually brought into existence.

Philosophy is no more nonsense than anything else. Maybe you will be a new maverick revolutionizing the field of philosophy, integrating consciousness and direct experience? Elon Musk is nonsense too. Osho is nonsense. Following what I say is nonsense. Everyone is just what they are. If you feel you want it, as, it is your truth, believe in it and yourself without compromise and go for it!

Make it so that you own the experience, producing the sounds yourself. Experiment with putting different emotions into the actions. As an example, try slamming a door lovingly. Slam a door angrily. Slam a door like it doesn't matter at all. Go play electric guitar on an amp, don't care if you know how (for example, go to a guitar shop). Play some basketball. Another tip is to use sounds as meditation. Try to be as fully aware of the present as you possible can, trace the coming and going of sounds, and notice as much as possible, including the silence between. It can also be done in conjunction with a deep contemplative question, such as "what is time?" for interesting effects

This is how I am dealing with this myself: Since there is nobody there, why not choose who is there? Lately I have put into myself to being unconditionally happy, no matter what any external circumstances are... It really works, reality warps itself. You can start by just lying down and smile and choose to be happy for no reason at all. Then extend it into any ordinary activity. It should make you acutely aware of all negative thoughts, they will manifest like crazy. Just override with positivity.

Here is my sincere best advice, which comes from my own experience. It is an exercise from a video of Leo's (I'm sorry I don't remember which one) I will sketch it as best I can, and if someone knows the video, please link it. I think it works much better when someone like Leo instructs you directly Here is how I remember the exercise: Sit down, close your eyes and visualize the most amazing loving memory of this person you are or were in love with. Now, change the object of that love to be the one who is sitting and thinks it has all sorts of problems (the one you feel is you). The one who is lonely. The one who is irresponsible. The one who is afraid. The one who is angry. The one who is jealous. The one who is sad. The one who is guilty. The one who blames. And so on for various negative habits and emotions --------- This was one of the most life transforming exercises I have ever done, and I have done hundreds. I encourage you to try it. It took me out of codependent relationships to interdependent ones and even full enlightenment, in synergy with other good habits. It works since conscious will can redirect love anywhere. Superb powerful stuff

The mind identified with forms of perception that it thinks it need to maintain, of which at the root lies the identification with idea of having to preserve a separate self. Fundamentally there is no differentiation between conditioning and addiction. As long as the divisive mind is operative, all attempts to override conditioning or addiction in symbolic terms of cause and effect leads to another conditioning or addiction, only it might be disguised by a new name.

Here's another level to go into if you want to leave ego behind... That is, to observe what are the reasons behind thinking people are beautiful or ugly.. do these reasons actually have a real basis? What happens if we stop dividing in beautiful or not? What experience is left then? in the words of Tao Te Ching: Translation from 1996 by J.H. McDonald

When I meditate seriously I'm offstage, or close to non-dual. But when I don't meditate I am pretty much at beige, from living like a mystic last year, I bounced back to childhood. Reality had a lot of weird effects when I moved between countries a few months ago, it flickered between decenniums, from 80's to 00's. Stuff like signs, money and even people's behavior was in from the 80's, only to switch back again after a minute. Just the part I think is not me showing me right in my face that time and history really are just concepts and beliefs. Something I knew before, but this time it felt pretty horrible to be so out of control of it. And sincerely, there are no stages.

Looking for both the feminine and masculine aspects in everyone is a great way to break away from unhealthy identities. I also like to think of masculine as subject part of creation and feminine as the object. But it would be silly to say that a female cannot act as a subject right? Or a male is never seen as something that can be acted upon? When we talk about an individual we are talking about something infinitely complex coexisting with all its circumstances, life history and so on.. Making up fixed ideas of who is what is such an easy copout of the mind. Masculine and feminine aspects are all fluid and free to come and go as parts of the dual experience. I perceive subject/object as arising simultaneously as the first duality creating a separate self, and in deep nondual experiences they merge back into one again.