zambize

Title wasnt self explanatory to me. Sometimes easy to overestimate how much other people understand what we are talking about

One thing I've been getting good at is being willing to admit I'm overwhelmed. Even if its just a bit too much energy or anxiety, I'm really quick to admit I'm not grounding that energy well enough. I cant believe I just used the word grounding, but if you know what the word represents it's easier than typing that out

Goals Day 17/66 Yesterday I had a couple times I had to let go where my Ego got the oh shits. It's good that I've been working on this all day because it wasn't much of a fight, letting go is really the preprogrammed response now by default. So while I did a good job at not repressing the experience and letting it happen, I was also kind of shuffled into it a bit. I don't really have anything to comment on it other than those states have a lot of power to be used for healing, emotional processing in more non-dual is much more optimal because everything is just flowing a lot easier. It's like you're working in the dark and you're like feeling around for your screw driver and screws trying to fix a light socket or something, and someone turns on the lights. Then you're kind of like "oh that was nice" and work a bit faster until for whatever reasons the lights go out again. But not before you kinda got a sense of the job and everything and got some real work done I've been going on more walks and taking my headphones off for at least a portion of them. I have a more introverted personality, and I was recently reading on the importance of introverts especially in getting enough silence throughout the day. I definitely have my headphones on too much, definitely too much screen time, etc etc. So I've been lowing the amount of stimulation I get throughout the day pretty successfully. I think I'm going to go to the library but I always get distracted there. I'm not sure if I mind that though I would say A, what would have felt like more of a threshold guardian at one point in my life just kind of nonchalantly was accepted and fallen into. I think it was pretty obvious today how far I've come

I like when Leo gets criticism, its healthy for him and the community. I also wish he would be a bit less snappy at those who do criticize him as to not scare people away from doing it in the future

The video itself was full of shit

No no no I'll need another 2h video to understand that quote

"If that who teaches you stillness is anxious, run" I liked that, maybe cause it affirmed what I already believe in. Yeah definitely cause I like hearing people say what I think but nonetheless, I appreciated her saying that

No physical violence but we do respect the right to use it as a dish washer

Excuse me but we have 50 more days of working on the feminine, please keep that inflammatory talk away from my journal

Being without mercy is mercy sometimes <3 sounds good

Goals day 16/66 Had a friend come over who suffered from depression in the past and we smoked. This friend makes me laugh cause he's such a sweetheart but is so clumsy about it. He brought some stuff do get my car running, and all I needed was him to come with cables so we could jump start my car. Well he brought them, but also brought like a voltage tester from his new auto company he just started working at. He didn't even turn the voltmeter on to check my battery, and when he did the reading with it off and realized it was off, but then turned it on and just kind of awkwardly put it away, I couldn't help but laugh. I'm not sure if he was just trying to show me extra love or wanted me to see all the cooooll things he learned from his new job, I appreciate it either way. He also couldn't get a good connection on one of the batteries for like 10 seconds, so sparks were just flying everywhere. To me, he looked rather stupid and incompetent, but that's more on the intellectual side. I definitely appreciate that this friend is always there for me, even if he looks like a fucking idiot doing so. I often make sure I talk to my friends about any issues that they can only talk to me about. So this friend is living with his new GF who they kind of out of the blue started dating. Anyways, he is starting to realize a fakeness in her. I was reading some of their messages. A topic never lasts longer than like 3 replies, and it was literally like "have you seen a UFO" >>>"No I have not unfortunately" >>>"Moooo">>>>"What?">>>"I was saying Moo like an abducted cow">>>>topic change. Like it was really cringe for me to read, I have more real conversations with people I've met for the first time at the grocery store. I've have better conversations with my dead dog. Then they throw in some random "I love you sooooooo much". He really vented about this haha, it was happening while he was here so we talked a lot about her, his mental health, and kind of their future. Seems like a lack of future. Right now her social skills and the fact that she's only had shit relationships that end up in cheating make me think she's garbage for him right now. I didn't tell him that, he's smart and knows haha. Also not my place, I really mostly listened and helped him get a clear picture of how he feels of the situation. I'm glad he didn't bring her over, I keep those kind of people out of my house as much as I can Had some emotionally intense moments recently, had to sit up this morning and put my computer off me and just focus for a second and sit through it. I feel quite whole, but definitely not there. Yesterday I kind of felt like a chick pecking at the inside of an egg that was beginning to crack. We will see if that goes anywhere I think I would give myself an A, I can't remember anything I wasn't willing to accept even though there were ups and downs. I also did a good job with my friend, he was like "thanks for being in the moment with me" at the end. That's kind of a weird thing to say but I appreciate it nonetheless

That's a concept.

The super nice chick downstairs has a boyfriend </3 Mission failed, we'll get em next time

It's pretty good for a selfie, I tried for like 2 hours on my tinder profile trying to get a good picture. You definitely did better than me haha, I think it looks good, but we are all oh so critical of ourselves Yeah at the very least anxiety prepares us for shit. Like we done run that scenario through our head a million times before it happens, all ready for every conceivable possibility It's a gift and a curse in many ways

I fucking warned you, it was just random shit I was thinking of with 0000000000000000000000 thought of structure or an audience needing to understand it Edit: I actually lowkey thought of making it double spaced for other people so nvm

Goals day 14+15/66 This is just going to be the first things that pop into my head, it probably won't be of much value or interest to other people. So I got up early today, at like 5:30 AM which is really fucking early and I stayed up, I've been doing that really well. I'm pretty ready to get up in the morning recently. Yesterday was actually pretty difficult, I felt even overwhelmed at times which has been a while. At a couple points, it caused me to lose my gentleness during emotional healing and instead was a bit more harsh and rushed, which probably caused it to take a bit longer. But like, sometimes when I let go of tension I'll feel like a click and a blockage kind of get released, as overwhelming as yesterday was, once I got into a good rhythm of metapohirization of tension, my brain really felt like it was clicking into place. Like say on a typical acid trip if I will feel this sensation 20 times, I felt it maybe a couple hundred yesterday. Today my emotional body feels quite whole. I put my hand over my anxiety a second ago to kind of get a better sense of my emotional state and like there is still some anxiety but I could really feel the soft fabric of my shirt slide against my skin, and that felt really good, my body does in general today. I might go to the library today, but I get distracted sometimes because a really cute girl will sit across from me or something. It's not like I can't control myself sexually in the library, but typically because the way this library is set up it's kind of hard to like not look them in the eyes a couple of times, and then eventually it turns into me thinking more about how we awkwardly had eye-contact than focusing on my work. I don't know if it was like some law of attraction bullshit, but I just feel like everyone at this library is so cute and expressive that it's hard to not get distracted. One of the girls is one of them that like really gets into their work and leans down into, it's hard to explain but there is always something interesting there with people. Meanwhile I was just animating a pikachu haha, I've been learning Unity which is a game engine, it'll be a fun creative outlet and maybe make me a buck one day. I've also been thinking a lot about what kind of woman I want to be with, or maybe not a lot but I've been considering it more and more. I think I kind of put it in the back of my mind until I had felt like I was really whole myself, and I feel like I'm at least at that point where I'm starting to be willing to actually make the first move. Part of me is scared because I don't want to hurt anyone, and I know how easy it is to get attached to someone. I also don't want to hurt myself, but I trust myself with myself emotionally to be able to get through that more than I do other people. I really want someone in my life who can connect with kind of the three big categories of my life. Most people usually get along with one or two of my femenine, masculine, or childlike sides but fail to connect with one of the others. Which is fine for most people, I have friends that I know that a certain part of me is more likely to come out around them. Hopefully I'll be able to find someone that kind of holistically accepts and understands me, but I still have a lot of work I can do on myself. Earlier this morning I had an insight kind of on how my mindset has changed over time. I think when I first saw stuff like spiral dynamics and spiritual tools where you can kind of label yourself, I would've been happy if someone told me I was yellow even if I kind of deep down knew I was Orange/Green. Today, if I'm yellow, great, but if I'm orange/green, even better, then I have even more ways I can improve and be happier. That's kind of the thought I had this morning that I was happy with because it is showing a kind of shift in perspective that my mind is having over time that will lead to me being more likely to accept my deficiencies and work through them. Errrrr I gotta grade myself, I did really well but I started yanking on my resistance too much to give me an A+ but yesterday I remember genuinely admiring a part of me, which I guess I haven't really ever done. Like I've known I'm very intelligent, but I guess it wasn't anything I ever was proud of because I was just born with it, but I felt myself being gentler with myself than I ever had before and yeah that was nice to be proud of some part of me A for yesterday

Sadgura

I cringe at like half the shit I post in my journal 30 minutes after I posted it, I think it's super normal to feel naked and exposed and ashamed of who we are. That's not to say it has to be like that, just that it's a completely normal thing that will probably go away with time. Personally I think it's really nice when people have profile pictures, it puts more of a person behind the words and a lot of people just argue ideas and forget about the person, so I think it's a nice reminder that there is someone behind the words. If it's making you neurotically check the forums, or think it would help, then do what you have to do. Over stimulation is a key contributed to anxiety and depression, especially among introverts. If you find yourself constantly checking the forums tab, especially while you're trying to do other life activities, you may be making yourself more prone to anxiety than you think. Some people like myself just seem to need an appropriate amount of silence and focusing on one task a day, you should make sure you're getting that. The forums get in the way of that a bit for me so I've been limiting myself a bit in that regard. Also regarding your band story where you were surprisingly relaxed, I also find times where I like talk to a girl that I'm really nervous to talk to or giving some kind of presentation that it typically goes a bit better than my mess of anxiety on the inside. I'm usually like "oh shit this going better than expected, please keep going better than expected", meanwhile my insides are turning

If you believe they are capable of seeing red, and they would like seeing red, and you think describing the beauty of red would lead them to start searching for red and eventually find and enjoy it

Sounds like you're better off than most haha

Maybe, and maybe the sweatshop was the only form of employment and not buying its products would cause it to shut down and those families could potentially starve if that was the only employment option. I'm not sure it works that way, but these things are often more complicated

Dont you think the issue is more that there are citizens who feel like their only choice of employment is a sweatshop, and not so much Leo buying a shirt. I mean atleast it's a sweatshop that is making some money

I didnt even realize they were two dudes D: oh well what's done is done

That'll do thanks

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