zambize

Goals Day 23/66 I woke up early at 5:30, maybe I'll go back to bed after this. Just woke up from a dream, I only remember the ending. I was having some heart to heartish conversation with my grandpa, which is something he's been opening up to more recently. During the conversation I had to really listen to him because he looking like he was dying and having a really hard time expressing his thoughts. One of my family members started talking over him and I couldn't hear what he was saying and when I told him that I didn't pick up the last three sentences or so because someone else was talking he just looked sad and resigned because it had taken all his energy. I started crying in my dream. This dream kind of pointed towards the importance of not waiting to end on a good note with my grandparents. Like there is no anger or hate between me and any of my grandparents, but it was never really something important to me. I went through multiple years of my childhood without seeing some of them because of conflicts with them and my parents. I don't trust my heart with those kinda people. But last time we saw them, they really started to open up and I can see it being something important to them. I think there would be a lot of regret personally if I waited for them to die and never game them the opportunity to have a relationship that goes beyond surface level Grade A- Cause my mind throws all kind of mental images at me in self-inquiry and honestly most doesn't phase me, so my mind sometimes throws especially interesting stuff. Yesterday I was getting pounded by a 40 year old hairy man in my imagination. That was fun letting that be as intense as possible. He had dad-bod and chest hair and was just kind of unthoughtfully fucking me in a bathtub? Kind of rude. I actually find that super unattractive usually. I was watching a porn where a girl was giving some dude a blowjob and she started out being really subtle and teasing him and kind of working into it, and I was like, damn she's putting on a performance. He was so impatient that he like stopped her from doing her routine, grabbed her head with his hands, and started like mad face-fucking her and gagging her. I think this is why I watch a lot of amateur porn, I like that they actually care about each other and work off each other at least a bit more. Porn will probably eventually be a goal of mine to cut down to kind of intensify my own internal emotional and feelings. I think some of that is lost to staring at a screen that you hope doesn't tip over, or listening to the audio. Always more intense when you limit stimulation you aren't using for sex. Blind-folded sex can be incredibly hot. Okay this is becoming longer than my actual journal entry, I've been thinking about sex a bit recently though

5/5 stars

Social anxiety seems like a fear of the love we have for others to me

No I dont fuck with my books, not cause I'm OCD about it, but I personally never go back and read the notes. You could just write in a separate notebook a few key things from each chapter and just review it at the end of your reading session to make sure you really cement the key points. Reviewing just quickly what you learned again is important

Goals day 21+22/66 Some pretty intense dissolving into reality experiences. My ego really jump scares me with a burst of anxiety when I'm doing well. To some extent self-inquiry is like riding a bull trying to buck you off with strong negative emotions and scary egoic thoughts D: I can really appreciate the exponential natures of this work atm Saw my crush just walking out on the sidewalk, I definitely handled it awkward cause I didn't realize it was her right away and was just kinda confused why a stranger girl was being so smiley and nice to me. I'm not sure if I recovered from that one, some girls really pick up on stuff like that really well and I was definitely a bit flustered for a second. Then I was walking away thinking about awkwardly running into people I know and I had the same interaction with my drug dealer 20 feet down the sidewalk. Kind of one of those you know the person well enough to want to say hi but not well enough to really know how to do it smoothly. I also just get a bit flustered around girls I like, even though I play it off well Grade A-, I've been pretty damn present, waking up early, I could be eating slightly better though ;

Nice! Hope you enjoy the pizza, sounds like you will

No you're not stupid, actually I shouldn't make assumptions that's rude, you could be stupid but I think you're great either way As far as vegan activism, my diet is actually more vegetarian than anything. I'm certainly interested in animal rights and think there is a lot of suffering that can be addressed. I just don't know that this specific group would be a great fit for me because I'm not actually vegan myself Also I was scrolling through their fb page, got some interesting stuff haha. That cow is thick @now is forever If there isn't a corner, I'd just leave. Not actually, just the back row probably. I just don't want to be the center of attention, I also find it more fun to watch all the funny mannerisms people do

What helped this experience stick instead of just being an enlightenment experience and coming back down?

room in the shape of a tear drop <3

I'll definitely keep that in mind, also I'm glad there are more than 2 corners in a room otherwise we wouldn't be able to be in the same room D:, love me some corners

No I haven't yet, I definitely would consider it if the opportunity presents itself. You happy you got into it?

That's awesome I always enjoy talking with someone who you cant tell of they are completely deluded or genius, or a bit of both. How did the activism go? You activate anyone?

You just aren't experienced enough to have those deep of insights probably One day you'll understand, hopefully before the lizard people get you

That's my kind of activism Have fun! Or get yelled at and abused, which can be fun too if you're spiritual enough

I think loneliness is really common to get on the path, hopefully it will pass for you soon, I wouldn't be surprised

@Zigzag Idiot Chorus of crickets seems like a really interesting background noise 0_o, just follow the cricket noises home I guess. I'm a bit jealous but I'd probably get tired of that bullshit --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Goals day 19+20/66 Self Inquiry continues throughout the whole day. That's all going as well as I think it could be. Went out for dinner and hung out with my ex yesterday, it was a good chance to talk about some of the issues in our relationship and families regarding male and female compassion. I remember there was one time we were walking past a bar and there was this drunk girl just sitting on the grass kind of chilling there. My ex brought her inside and got her water, when the cops came to pick her up, she went with and stayed at kwiktrip until her mom came. When I picked her up, she was expecting a lot of gratitude but I was a bit more of an asshole. I was upset because it felt like she throws herself under the bus for other people, like she ruined her whole night because she's just too fucking nice or something. The cops had it handled imo. I was pretty Darwanastic and just wanted to leave her there, even if it meant being cold all night and sitting alone in the grass outside a bar. Anyways, it was great to talk about emotional sensitivity and female/male compassion with someone who knows me real well. I got the chance to apologize to her for being a bit of a dick that night, and not seeing it from her perspective. It was a good conversation. Otherwise life feeling pretty good despite some anxiety I'm working through, I can tell as I've opened up my heart a lot that sometimes I get scared to feel stuff too intensely and close off a bit, I'll be working on that but I feel like I've made a lot of progress so I am happy. Been listening to this song a bit, also I give myself an A- because I did pretty welllllll

Ahhh fuck I'm on drugs so this is slightly harder. Tell me this, if you just like close your eyes and try and let go of everything, any pain or sensations, like make your body completely limp and everything. Anything you can possibly let go of, let go of, then tell me if you notice anything that's kind of hard to let go of, might seem like some tension, might feel like a boundary. Can you feel yourself repressing anything or holding any particularly strong emotions back? Points of preassure? What is your direct experience when you try to let everything go so much you feel like you are just going to shut off and die from letting go?

Yeah I'll just tell you what I do, I look for the most emotionally intense thing I am aware of, often this might be anxiety in my stomach for me. It's kind of hard to explain the gentleness you have to have to kind of dissolve these emotions and work through them. OHhh I got it, like that sense of relief you feel when something almost really bad happened but didn't and you kind of breathe out a sigh of relief and relax yourself after being really tense. Yeah well try to like channel that or kind of do that into whatever the strongest emotion you're feeling is. It could be self-hate/guilt etc, all you gotta do is keep kind of following the emotion around while channeling that kind of acceptance. It's almost like you're hollowing out and reclaiming your nervous system one negative emotion at a time, so know that a lot of the stuff you will face is going to be really negative emotions, but all you gotta do is keeping letting go through it and it will disappears and you will feel like you reclaimed a bit of yourself. Also I've noticed it helps to take pretty deep breaths from the stomach especially for this technique, but that might be because personally I feel most of my emotions in my estomago

That's awesome, I think part of me developing self-love was being willing to admit what I love about myself. Like I don't know if I thought if I hid that stuff and kind of repressed those thoughts it would be less egoic?!? I just wanted to make sure you are willing to say nice things about yourself, because there is a lot to say. You give some of the most detailed answers, you're honest, you're practical, and more so than a lot of people on this site, you seem to actually try to help other people. I think you gotta lot of stuff to love yourself for. Errr I also remembered a tip! Having more quiet times throughout the day will help you process a lot of emotions without having to do much work at all. Just taking your headphones off on a walk somewhere, turning the car radio down, etc can help you work through a lot of negative emotions. Also not having a lot of tabs open on your computer, basically you want to avoid multitasking too hard especially if you are an introvert. This helped me sooooooooo much. Just listening to quieter music and adding a bit of silence throughout the day (not even meditating just silence) has drastically improved my quality of life. Also speaking from experience, you should do a more emotionally based meditation to work on numbness imo

What's one thing you admire about yourself?

My recommendation would be to lay off the psychedelics until the anxiety is dealt with, your plate is full of emotions you need to surrender to already it seems, no need to go back for seconds already

Ohhh I see you only care about saying God is everything and ignoring relative truth. You'll have to take a psychology course sometime, it seems your ego has convinced you it doesnt exist

You're sure your ego didnt just convince you that whatever it says while in a non dual state is true?

I'll check her out later, I was kinda hoping you'd chime in here because I've been looking for a good teacher along these lines, thank you <3

Sorry I didn't see this, was just coming to check out how you were doing and realized I ignored you on accident D: its hard to say, it's usually because I'm just not being present enough so the suffering I do create is usually me getting distracted by stupid videos and shit that I dont even enjoy Hope you're doing well!