zambize

Well neuroticism seems to have some some biological basis, and I'm not really sure the degree to which everyone can heal from it, but I certainly believe people can find at the very least some relief. My concern is that her love for you isn't as deep as your love for her. On one hand it seems like she loves you so much because she doesn't want you to leave and is concerned about your relationship so much, but on the other hand, I get the feeling like you might be playing the role of a placeholder. Someone to give her company and be used as an emotional sponge, and whenever that burden gets to large on you, she is largely dismissive. I know neuroticism is a really difficult issue for people, but I would hope that if the love for you was there more that she would be willing to look at herself with a little bit more introspection because of the pain it is causing you. From my experience with neurotic people in my life ( I had a somewhat neurotic ex that I broke up with and am happy I did because we are both happier now) they sometimes use people around them to solve their own issues in an unhealthy way. It could be loneliness or lack of self worth in her, I'm not sure, but it seems like it's getting worse and worse and instead of addressing it herself, she is using you to avoid confronting those issues herself. But those issues don't just go away, they get worse, and that was my experience as well. You seem to have the same "We have been going out 8 months and it's actually getting worse, from what I can tell." So I'm more than happy talking to you about this because I'm on vacation and sometimes I just like talking to people, but I need to know if you seriously think that your relationship is benefiting both of you as individuals, or is maybe being used to avoid internal emotional pain? Do you see the trajectory of this relationship soaring into the clouds or crashing into the ground? I think if you know deep down that this isn't going anywhere, the sooner the better. I think if you think this relationship is in a difficult stage, but has potential, you need to be able to seriously communicate your needs, and her needs. You need to stand up for yourself, because you are not happy, and if she is unwilling to have a serious conversation about your needs, you need to ask why.

Sounds tough, especially when it sounds like you genuinely care for her. Hope that's not causing you too much pain. Do you have any plans right now to resolve the situation or talk to her about it? Or are we coming up with a battle plan right now or maybe just talking it through?

How does she feel about her neuroticism? Is she aware of it? Does she have plans to fix it?

I think this is a very common thought/worry. We all want our love ones to actually experience the love we give them. Unfortunately I just dont see a way of varifying that. I think there are intellectual arguements such as, "people have been able to explain how my experience would change in different ways by drugs and emotions before I knew it myself from my own direct experience". But of course, it could be all part of the illusion and maybe you dont actually exist. I dont think you'll ever get certainty on this, even though it really seems like there are other people with their own experience, in a relative sense. Hopefully you'll get more and more comfortable with lack of certainty, because there is very little certainty to be had in the world

You dreamed a bit along the lines of loneliness and rejection. Especially in regards to a significant other through various dreams. Could be a good topic for me to write about in the morning (currently 3am woke up in the middle of the night). One thing ive never seriously considered is dream journaling, but I think it's a good opportunity to try and get an idea of what emotions I have that might be going unprocessed

I think I want to write about the first thing that comes to my head. League of legends Yikes, this one is going to be hard imma get a drink while I think about this one. Okay I'm back and think I can do this. League of legends and gaming in general definitely brings out parts of my personality that arent necessarily as evident in real life. One of the things in league of legends is I will always go for the play. Always. If there is a chance to style on someone or make a play, I will do it, and learn from it if i make a mistake. In real life this is kind of mirrored by if I think something could be done or said, I'm going to say it or try it. Today we went back to that park to go on those kind of swing handle bars and I put my legs up over the bars so I was hanging on with my arms from one bar, and I front of me, my legs were up over a bar aswell. I then let go of my hands from the bar and used all my force to curl my body around and try to grab the bars by doing a backbend of sorts while hanging from my legs. I failed, I'm not flexible enough nor did I swing quite hard enough. My grandparents saw this and kind of had that look on their face like, what the heck is that even possible. They actually asked me if I had done it or if it's even doable, I shrugged, my internal monologue was something like "fuck if I know". My point is that I have a lifestyle of "fuck it try it" that definitely gets highlighted in league of legends. It also brings out my aggressiveness. Ironically my mom told me today she doesnt like playing strategy games with me because "I just go for the jugular". That's fair Haha. In league of legends I play characters that are known for being particularly aggressive and smashing people 1v1. I dont let up for a second either, I watch every single movement from the other player and maximally punish every misstep to the most of my ability. Maybe I take this too seriously for the average player, but as an optimizer I find fun in it. That's all I want to write, sorry if it was a bit shallow, but I wanted to write about the first stupid thing I thought about :^)

Mhm, but that's not the point. The point is that we can't discuss something that doesnt point to something or have any definition. That's not to say it doesnt exist or isnt relevant. Simply that discussion around it seems pointless

Hmmm, I have no idea how to have a conversation around a word that means nothing to you. I also haven't seen a single non-dual theory thread ever result in anything. It will be a fun goal to try and turn a non-dual thread around, but this ain't it. I tap

What does the word God mean to you?

Well it's a good thing I'm in no rush <3

Soon :^)

Today I went to the park. I saw some people LARPing. It made me think of my childhood. Me and my neighbors would go out exploring in the woods as heros with all sorts of powers such as stopping time. When I feel nostalgic I think of these times, the park made me feel that way. I sat on the swing alone thinking about how well I did as a kid at just being in the moment and having a good time. Today I felt pretty sick of theory, I didn't like that I thought of swinging in terms of what it could do to my personal development. Fuck that, I just want to swing yo. I was able to relax and just be present, but I really don't want to overthink things in my life in terms of how they will effect my future. The mind kind of struggles when it has to find balance, and can't lean on simple answers on either extreme. I genuinely want to look at my life and be critical and analytical, but I can see where that balance has been swayed too far in the direction of being overly analytical and not enough carefree going with the flow. I'm such a sucker for female compassion too, I felt really loved last night like God gave me a hug and left me with some chills. It was only for a little bit, but I like hugs and feeling loved. Let's shoot for more of that <3 I still want to give a technical talk on masculinity/femininity though

<3

That's good! Don't let the fact that you were unrealistic (imo) yesterday take away from 2h30m meditation, that's sure as hell more than I did today, I'm rocking zero min so far

@Shin Have you done any meditation today?

Doesnt sound lame to me!

I really want to see someone dance to dubstep, I've never tried or seen that, that's awesome. I also want to know what "hit the floor" entails haha

Alright, I'm going to try to help, it's a bit daunting cause you have quite a few distinct categories you feel like you want to address in your life, but I'll try my best. Your Breakup I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup, it seems like even though it was rough on you, you definitely handled it maturely. When me and my ex who had been dating for nearly four years, it wasn't fun. I remember opening up the door, and her looking at me like "is this what I think it is", and me starting to cry. Ngl I have tears in my eyes rn thinking about it, it's not fun. What I can say is that we are still very good friends today, and I message her almost every day and she's an important part of my life. So on that note, I think it can work as friends, I think it can be a very valuable relationship, but I know how hard it can be in the moment. I don't really have a clear idea of why you broke up but it sounds like your family has something to do with it. It's interesting because at least where I live, I don't think people would take their families thoughts into consideration as much. Especially if my dad was an alcoholic, I'd have to make sure I didn't want to get married just to piss them off if they said shit like that to me. My practical advice that worked for me was we spent about 6 weeks apart after the initial breakup to give ourselves a chance to move on. I told her an exact date, to the minute when I would message her first so she didn't have to worry about checking her phone until then. After those six weeks it felt appropriate to be able to see each other again and hang out, I have plans to cook her carbonara when I get back from vacation haha (it's been maybe 9 months after our breakup). Now that's if you believe breaking up is the right thing to do, if not, then I think both of you really need to have a heart to heart about what your needs are in a relationship, and how you see your future. It seems like you've at least partially done that, but if there is anything you haven't communicated to her about why you broke up, be it family or anything, she needs to know. Your Alcoholic Father I want to make a quick note here because I dealt with repressed emotions about my parents that I'm happy I have worked/continue to work through. If you feel like there is emotional pain from either of your parents and the way they have treated you, I would try and get that out. Maybe right everything that bothered you about them, maybe they never really paid attention to you, or you felt like they didn't even want a kid. Maybe your dad was emotionally unavailable because he was too busy spending his nights drunk instead of with his kids. I don't want to put words in your mouth, those are just some example shit that I would want to get off my chest. Write it down on a paper for anyone you feel hurt by, articulate what happened and why you feel hurt by various people in your life. Then burn the paper or throw it away, whatever. But I think having a chance to really process our emotional pain by articulating it into words can be a powerful tool. Rent If you're worried about rent, I would really make sure I'm checking my bank account and have a good idea of where all my money is going. I'd start keeping track of money I spend on recreation vs. necessities and have a strong idea in my head of how long I can pay rent for, and what can go wrong that I have backup money for. Orgasm TMI FOR ALL YOU LITTLE EARS: I definitely had issues with this from time to time cumming early, especially after a long break and not masturbating. To some extent, it's an oops that is bound to happen. Sometimes my ex would break out a new move, and well, tough luck. We'd joke about how she's a bit too good apparently and laugh it off. I definitely didn't just want to just laugh it off because I feel like it's important to both orgasm. As I got better at making her cum, I would sometimes just eat her out and finger her to orgasm before I fucked her. She was hornier after she orgasmed once, it was actually insane and so hot, we still talk about our sex life. So, spend more time on foreplay, work with her more before you stick your stick in her. Bit her neck, eat her pussy, get her well off into the races before you guys fuck and you'll have an easier time crossing the finish line with her. Also, masturbating beforehand a couple hours can be really valuable in lasting. Schedule a date with your hand before you schedule a date with your GF/friend/???

Yeah I think it of course has its uses, but with every tool, there are specific uses for that tool. If spiral dynamics was a screw driver, I feel like I see people trying to pound in a nail with that screw driver or cut a board in half, it seems rather silly sometimes but I also have my favorite tools in my toolbelt that get overused

In a negative way? Do you wish your friends maybe treated you as though you had never been labeled? What are your thoughts on pity if you dont mind

Someone does read what I say

I think you have a good message actually, but I don't necessarily agree with the logic you use to explain it. It seems like you came up with the idea first, and then came up with the logic behind it. There definitely is a problem with people trying to learn Calculus before they learn algebra, and I think making sure you check out on your fundamentals such as sleep and healthy eating is certainly an important lesson. I just don't necessarily see the logic behind if you're fairly deficient in a lower stage, then you are at that stage. You have a pretty clear conclusion on what you are trying to argue, major props to that "My advice is to focus on strong development of foundation rather than fast progression. If you find yourself constantly messing up sleep schedule, start over as a beginner." I just think you could've maybe skipped the SD explanation, and went into practical ways for people to take your advice, or testimonials on how your advice has effected your own life.

I had a good six hours or so of travel that I spent processing emotions, definitely a relief. I had a lot on my plate from an acid trip and general life stress that went unprocessed. Let's start with what I could do better, then we will talk about what I did well and how I can expand upon that. I still need to slow down my life a bit more, I quit League of Legends almost completely replacing it largely with listening to music, and hanging out with friends. I can still tell it's not quite enough and my mind is a bit overstimulated. When listening to slower songs that I know I like, I feel the itch come up to change songs, especially when an uncomfortable emotion comes up. I'm particularly aware of this now, at least to the point that when it happens my internal alerts go off and warn me that what I'm doing is potentially harmful. I plan on going outside even more now that it's nice, allocating more time to creative outlets for my emotions (art/dance/etc), and overall introducing more silence into my life. So today more than ever, I avoided doing the stupid shit I often do when dealing with repressed emotions. My repressed emotions manifest in my experience largely two-fold. There is a tension in my third eye that takes various shapes and intensities, but it's centered around my third eye. With this tension in my third-eye there is an associated emotion that manifests itself in my emotional body. Experientially this emotional pain is located an inch or so below my belly button and would most resemble anxiety. I have to use a bit of an analogy to explain how I fuck up in emotional processing. Say my emotional pain is this beast, and I'm pulling on this rope to bring this beast closer and closer so I can deal with it. Where I go wrong sometimes is I try to pull super hard, all at once and pull this beast all over to me in one nudge. So I throw myself into the emotional pain but lose my footing in trying to do it so aggressively for a short burst. Today I did a really good job at addressing my emotional pain in a sustainable manner. I put one hand in front of the other, I kept tension on the rope instead of trying to do it all at once, throughout six hours I slowly and methodically pulled this beast closer and closer. I addressed my pain with a sort of constant, controlled, tenderness that I haven't seen in myself to date so I'm pretty excited about that. I feel like the suffering I'm dealing with now is scraps compared to what I've dealt with, which I'm excited about. I'm very confident about my ability to deal with the rest of reality that I'm resisting. Future reminder to me: You want to write about masculinity/femininity, how both manifest themselves in you and the pros and cons of that, as well as where you want to see yourself in the future in regards to expressing your own internal masculinity/femininity. Note to talk about your emotional vulnerability as a child and how your personality adapted to accommodate that

I'm going to be honest and say big doubt, but I also think that would be super cool if you managed it. I personally think you should try to just do one thing that you can call progress

Nahmaste