zambize

One time when I was younger I kept having dreams where I was getting my throat slit, or getting shot and killed. I remember a particularly fun one of I think I was on like some kind of shit and someone was using a pair of scissors and was trying to use it to open up my neck, and we were in quite the struggle haha. I had a lot of these dreams. Then one day I had a dream where I was getting chased by a tank, I was running on the streets away from it and it was chasing after me and I was getting fired at. For whatever reason that night I just had enough, and I laid down, stopped struggling, and let that tank roll over me. I can't really describe that state I was in afterwards, maybe vibrating and free. It didn't really have a shape that I can remember or visuals that I could describe, but that night was amazing. Those were some of the last nights I died in my dreams, I don't really remember dying much at all in my dreams after that. I hadn't felt like I died, and I didn't wake up in the morning like "wow ego death". But in the morning I felt a whole heck of a lot better, I died but not really. I didn't think of it at all as death, in any sense really. You're probably going to end up laughing at yourself after this. Not to belittle the intense emotions you are feeling right now, but maybe you've had times in your life where you looked back at a problem that seemed really big in the moment, and it just wasn't a problem

I have a hole and a ruler, I'm literally a double threat. Not to mention what my mouth can do

I dont talk to my family and friends about enlightenment theory. I wouldnt talk to Mooji about enlightenment if he came over for dinner. These conversations end up being fucking useless and spread only confusion

I was just joking about the whole balls thing I swear, he clearly doesn't have any

I kinda smoke a lot, so I'm really jealous of your tolerance. I'm actually on family vacation atm, they work as T-Breaks haha. Maybe you should smoke once before you do acid again just to kind of get your feet wet with mystical experiences again. They are definitely different experiences, but it's good practice of keeping grounded in an unfamiliar head space. Also, I feel like with alcohol people kind of feel ashamed if they can't drink a lot or hold their alcohol well, but with weed, I will take your tolerance any day. Save me some fucking money so I can go to the strip clubs OH I forgot to mention how fucking fabulous music is on acid. It is the best music drug of weed/shrooms/lsd from my experience by a significant margin

I want his balls, pass them here when you're done with them <3

Well first of all I think it's awesome that you are so open about your dissatisfaction with life. I worry a lot of people are afraid of being judged, or afraid that maybe it means they aren't as spiritually advanced as they'd like to think they are if they admit they are suffering. So yeah, being honest I think will really pay off for you. I suffered through a period of extreme numbness. It's a long story but some shit friends thought I had basically died from an overdose of synthetic weed and were about to leave me, that whole experience left my dreams feeling more real than reality, and that wasn't a good thing because my dreams were basically me getting my throat slit or shot and killed, the whole circus. The numbness was protecting me from extreme trauma, but I still fucking hated it. I will take my emotional tenderness, or my tears, or my anxiety over that shit any fucking day. My worry and I think you're aware of this is that the numbness as terrible as it is, is trying to help you avoid the trauma of all the anxiety and depression that you are feeling all coming out at once. LSD really lights up my nervous system, and I'm worried for you that two tabs (which is quite a lot) would be very intense for a first time user. I remember my one tab experience was plenty intense on my first try. It's definitely awesome that you're looking for direction, but I see it being hard to find direction in a numbed up state. How do you expect to get a feel for what you want, if you don't feel. As someone who climbed out of numbness, emotional meditation really did a lot for me. I just focused basically on the most emotionally intense sensation in my body and worked on relaxing into it, and developing tenderness towards it. My personal recommendation would be to practice a more emotionally based meditation leading up to this trip, to help take some of the repressed emotions off your plate so you aren't too overwhelmed by a tsunami. It also sounds like you have some issues with your work especially. I would probably get out on paper a lot of the self hate and anger (if there is any) that is centered around your job and kind of pre-process those emotions so you aren't blasted with self-hate when you trip. Now during the trip, you just gotta relax, the trip is going to be a trip. You can't really know what you're going to get. I've been tucked in by an ethereal motherly entity. I've had trips where my awareness was so centered on people eyes and mouths and how they looked at each other searching for social queues ( I was tripping in a NY subway). I've had trips where I saw visuals of huge pillars full of these laughing emoticons, laughing at me for thinking I existed in a way that I didn't. The trips have all had their own taste, so it can be hard to prepare a bit or tell you what you're going to get. I've never regretted taking a tab, and then a half tab or another tab afterwards when I wanted a bit more. Like you're welcome to take two, but why not 1 the first hour and see how it goes, and then the other. They will overlap and you'll still get the strength of two if you want it, but you'll be a lot safer which is important. There isn't too much you need to know during the trip, just surrender to it as best you can, and try to take any lessons your direct experience is offering you. It will give you lessons trust me haha, you don't gotta do anything special when you're on acid other than be present and surrender imo. One of my best friends when he was younger had a bad shroom trip and nearly killed himself, so if you have any firearms at your house or things that you can cause self-harm with. Put them somewhere where you can't get to them during the trip please, your car keys too (he tried suicide by car basically). I don't want to scare you, but safety first, cause why not. I also hope you've tried smoking weed, or have some experience in altered states of consciousness. If you haven't I would smoke a joint first, I'll literally mail you one haha

He's 2k forum posts away from confronting it I just know it, give him time and tissue paper

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you for the dumbed down version haha, I appreciate it -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anyways, I want to quick finish my late night analytical thinking of my day My goals were I want to continue to focus on equanimity and emotional sensitivity throughout the day. I want to explore my own femininity deeply, and make sure I am not repressing any of that as I did through a lot of my life. I want to stop munching on junk food when I don't want it. Sometimes I find myself eating to eat, or drinking to drink, and then regretting later. I want stop overusing intellectualism, even though it might be one of my greatest strength, it's just a tool. Those tools have specific advantages and disadvantages, and while it's important to know my strengths and utilize them, it's also important to not get into the habit of relying on that tool too much. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I would say I was aware of my emotional body just about all day. I've been taking the approach for probably the last week that I want all the suffering that I am aware of or repressing to come out, ALL OF IT. I want to reduce my suffering to zero, so it's important of me to take inventory of my suffering. It's important for me to ask myself, where is all of my suffering, and make sure I don't miss any because if I do, it's going to stick around. My foot has the gas pedal all the way down throughout the day in terms of opening to whatever enters my awareness. Anxiety come sit down and be my guest, let me give you a kiss. Stay a while. This mindset of starting the day off with a prayer/setting of intention that I want to feel all of my suffering right here right now has really helped me not be so scared of more intense emotional states. I've gotten quite good at operating well in deeply anxious states. Then when those deeply anxious states subside, and I have a hard time finding any suffering at all, I feel like I just took off thousand pound ankle weights, feels like nothing can stop me then. Hopefully tomorrow I have some really intense episodes of anxiety, a panic attack could be helpful but I haven't had one in years, so I can get more practice opening up to intense emotions for long periods of time and being a tree through them. I'm really not intimidated by my emotions like I used to be. This is going well in my opinion, I'm not sure what I could do better here which is maybe good maybe bad. Seems unnecessary to purposely induce really uncomfortable states to practice equanimity, so I think I will just keep doing my best at making sure I am doing my best at being a good host to all the emotions/perceptions/thoughts that come into my awareness. I did end up being overly intellectual in my opinion, but not as much as typically. I gave the correct arguments that I could defend really well and believed in, but lacked the awareness of the direction the conversation was going. The person ended up closing up and accepted none or little of my advice/criticisms. That's on me largely. I have techniques to help defensive egos open up and be self-reflective that I got lost in the moment and didn't use. This wastes my time and the time of the person I'm trying to help. Maybe me making a journal entry and articulating a lot of the things I do into words would help cement those things in my memory more, so when the situations come up where they would be handy, I am more likely to get my little notification from my subconscious reminding me how to handle that situation. We will see if this becomes a problem first I think. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've noticed that my body language is becoming more and more expressive, when I talk about any anxiety I might be feeling or negative feelings my hand tends to cover up my stomach and belly button where those emotions are perceived in my emotional body. When talking about something from my own direct experience, my hand spreads out across my heart. When I die to a midget zombie in minecraft or am surprised in general, I guess I open my mouth in awe now, I think I like that I want to use every tool I have, and that includes every part of my body to help articulate myself, my emotional state, my intentions, my thoughts etc. Today was a good day

How is your emotional state right now? Do you feel stressed/anxious/depressed at all? Sorry I need a bit more information

One mistake I make sometimes is putting too much pressure on someone's ego. I need to really be aware of how receptive I think that person is going to what I have to say. Sometimes I say stuff which I of course genuinely believe, but did I really expect them to take my side or see my POV? Or did I just forget to think about that at all? It would rock them a bit too much to the core if they were to accept some of my criticisms, especially right off the bat. I don't always have to take a half court shot over my head, there are often layups and easy plays. I also could really be utilizing the idea of giving smaller digestible criticisms to open them up and get them in the habit of being open to my ideas and the conversation, and then go for more three point shots and half courts shot as we build a relationship of trust. I also need to be more aware of the POV's already being held in an argument from all parties. If too many people are disagreeing with one person, they may very well feel attacked and close up. I can't have the other person lose trust in me that I am genuinely trying to help them, it's easy to lose this when you are perceived as being a part of a mob against them

To add to this, cause you're right on. This is a really good article on why well off people who don't need to shoplift for survival or money choose to shoplift https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-16469928 I'm not fucking clicking or reading that shit version: research has revealed a "direct correlation between depression and shoplifting"

Try acid and psychedelics or just scroll through pages, I feel like there were some quite recently, there are tons of threads on it. Leo is a huge fan of them and I think that rubs off on the community a lot. The search could be case sensitive as well

Omg I was literally about to @ him too haha

I'm not saying you should be alone for the sake of being alone, just that you might have someone out there who would care for you in maybe a more mutually beneficial way. If you are happy though, which you know way better than I do, then of course you should do what your heart is telling you and if that's staying in the relationship because you believe in it, that's perfectly okay. I hope we atleast primed you with stuff to consider as this relationship moves forward so that you and her can both avoid heartache

I'll just take three goats honestly and hope one of them can cook

My estimation of the situation is that she has some serious internal issues that she is using him as a distraction not to address herself. Of course that can be wrong. You're right that he could be unaware of the exact mechanism of how he is enabling her, but he doesnt have to know that to see that his influence on her life may be toxic and hindering her personal growth based off the trajectory of her and the relationship as a whole since its start

Yes of course but it seemed from my understanding that she is aware of the situation, and continues to do nothing about it, nothing lasting for more than a day or two It is possible to enable when you know you're enabling, we all have faults, he could be letting his own fear of being alone get in the way of making the right choice for her because he doesn't want to be alone

Haha that's my ex in my profile pic if that's who you're talking about, we are still very close platonically <<her33

An awesome one with gold boots now

I'll also have shiny armor, I think I'll make gold boots for flare and the rest diamond for practicality, it's a dangerous world

Wait till I find some diamonds

I literally died from a midget zombie cause they changed the combat system I guess to where you can only swing so many times or it doesn't do damage, I sat there with my mouth open in disbelief for a hot second or two