Joshe

I think in general, early on, girls don’t like the pressure of exclusivity talk and even labels like boyfriend/girlfriend. I think they usually need to feel you out for a couple months first and you have to just wait on them to let you know if/when they’re ready. I always just approached women with a “if it happens, it happens, if it don’t, it don’t” approach, and I let them choose when we move to the next level. They give signs when it’s time. If you say “I want to be exclusive”, that is MASSIVE pressure you’re putting on them because what can they say? Either yes, no, or let me think about it. Each response has significant implications. It almost feels inhumane. Lol. And many girls will say yes out of guilt, so they’re basically coerced. If they say no, then it’s possibly over right then and there, and they might not want that either. Saying directly “I want you to be mine and only mine” before they’re ready for that just doesn’t sit right with me, and I think in general, they don’t prefer it. Thirsty ones might.

She might not have liked your style and thought you were treating the relationship like a contract with clauses. I don't get the need to even mention exclusivity. At some point, the girl will let you know when she starts saying things like "you better not be talking to other girls". If you try to manage it before she is ready for it, it just seems like hyper-vigilance or something.

I had a friend in high school who girls absolutely adored for his looks. He could never make it more than 2 weeks with a girl before they bounced. His neediness was too much. Even super-attractive dudes run girls off with neediness. That's how repulsive it is to them (generally speaking). I was too needy with my very first girlfriend. She bounced and couldn't even give me an explanation as to why. lol. I figured it out though and came up with a rule of thumb: never be more invested than they are. If you're doing everything you think you should be and a girl ever wants to leave, have some self-respect and show her to the exit. I had a fling with a girl I met from a bar and she was going through a rough time with her boyfriend. Eventually, he found out about us and came over to my place one night. I opened the door and he starts pleading with her. She went out to talk to him. She came back inside and sat on my bed and was contemplating whether she should leave or not and I could tell she wasn't sure what to do, so I told her she should just go be with James and that I didn't want a gf anyway and things would be a lot simpler for her if she just left. I genuinely meant everything I told her because I couldn't stand feeling like an option she was weighing. After that night, I couldn't get rid of her. We were together for like 5 years after that. Maybe the moral of the story is: Staying rooted in your dignity and self-respect creates opportunity. Or maybe, you can't perform non-neediness. You have to actually not be needy.

And for all generations, “The universal human task is to reach a point where life is stable enough to sustain meaning — and meaningful enough to justify maintaining stability.” - ChatGPT 😝, only cuz Claude was down.

Good point. You can’t necessarily solve this generations problems with the previous generations solutions.

Blast this shit on repeat:

I think you're seeing a lot of things clearly, but one thing you might reign in is, it seems like you may have unrealistic standards given your current situation. Because when I posed a hypothetical $50k gig, you immediately asked if it's meaningful, uses your strengths, offers advancement, makes an impact. These are not really fair questions at square 1. At square 1, a good question is: does this get me stable enough to think clearly and slowly advance. You probably have more freedom and latitude than it seems, but we all have to operate within the scope of our situation. The reality is that there are constraints. The way forward is to map those constraints clearly, and then find realistic ways to transcend/remove them, bit by bit. We can't jump from square 1 to 10. We have to intelligently and patiently climb up. For me, "clarity" of knowing how to climb up is my fuel. https://recorder.google.com/e24eb57b-b9ce-4b04-bf98-32481df98027 The path to what you want goes through where you are. We don't get to skip levels.

When you say "I don't feel capable", it feels like you're saying: "I'm not capable". By "capable", I meant something like "sufficient competence". So, it seems like what you meant to say is you don't feel like you have the "capacity", which is about depletion, not capability. You are capable - you do things, but it seems to me it is costing you a lot, mostly because you're fried. Being fried is a state you can escape. The state has nothing to do with who you are. It's just a current constraint imposing severe limitations. So severe that it should be your top priority, IMO.

@trenton Just curious. If someone handed you over a gig that brings in $50k/yr, and you were plenty capable of handling it, would that change your entire outlook or would you still feel stuck?

Thanks @Indra Rachmaditya! I'm glad you liked it. Yes, I forgot all about that book. Seems like I read it about 10 years ago.

Yes, but environment still isn’t sufficient. Distraction and submersion into something else is far superior. Willpower is fleeting and it’s not always available. All it takes is one very unstable day and willpower is nowhere to be found. When the system is stressed, that’s when it wants the addiction the most. So I think the best way out of addiction is energy management, good sleep, get enough vitamin d and magnesium, set environment up to make access to the addiction difficult to reach, and either dive into something deep and/or distract yourself with something for long enough that the addiction loses its power. A hobby or even TV shows can distract. You’ve gotta go through the initial acclimation phase - where the addiction is strongest - then you enter into maintenance where it is a background hum but not as strong. If you make it through acclimation, backsliding usually occurs when energy is chaotic, so energy management becomes crucial. In the interim, be reinforcing ideas that the addiction is not what you want and that it’s harmful. It’s always a messy process and most attempts fail at first but as long as you keep at it, you’ll overcome.