Guided

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1hM8YqhJJk0lbI9l5JmM8G3SXeNqNt1uF https://drive.google.com/open?id=10tWGfC4RWWPyBT1J76T49VR_E_vULg5h I did this for a friend's theatre performance a while back. I might as well share it!

I think you're onto something here. I never could understand this whole 'let's build sexual attraction so we can fuck as soon as possible' thing, I guess other guys would say I'm 'losing out on opportunities passing by every day', but, at least in my experience, trying to go from zero to hero with girls in the shortest possible amount of time invariably ended up with disappointment! Hell, to this day, I don't enjoy approaching unknown girls and women with the intention of initiating a sexual/romantic relationship. Too much unnecessary pressure, too much tension from the get go. (Not to say I don't do it at all though - sometimes the mutual attraction is so strong my body just moves to approach by itself.) I'm glad there's some people out there who see it similarly. @Preety_India Honestly, I know the sense of attraction will say you want him/her NOW but this thing really does takes patience! Try to let the tension build over time and see what happens! All the man to woman relationships (even the so called flings) I've had in the past were with women who I saw on a frequent basis throughout my normal day. She was just simply around. I never had to push or consciously try to meet her or create more attraction - I just did it naturally, without thinking, through authentic communication and awareness of her body language. (I was of course aware of the attraction) We simply got to know each other better through daily/semi-daily contact, and it is how I learnt more about their personality and, of course, boundaries. A person will usually tell you what their boundary is themselves, if they sense you are a viable partner. This philosophy of no-chasing might seem like you're 'missing out', but honestly, you aren't missing out on a single thing. Actually, yeah, you are missing out on some unnecessary stress and frustration. Sounds like a good deal to me. I hope this makes some sense, apologies if I'm rambling too much

Thank you for the support everyone <3

Hahaha yeah I guess I'm thinking too hard about it, unnecessarily. Thanks.

Hello everyone, I came across a peculiar situation today. There is a djembe drum circle that I go to every week, and it is a wonderful way to practice mindfulness and 'go back to nature' so to speak. Rhythm heals many wounds I found. The people that go to these circles are... very loving. 10+ second long hugs worth of loving, if you get me. (I guess you could say 'green', if you want to describe it from a spiral dynamics point of view.) I feel glad to come into contact with this circle of people, as I usually don't come across loving people such as this in my daily university life. I look forward to attending the circle precisely for this reason. Yet, at the end of today's session, I noticed an odd feeling - I said goodbye and shaked hands with one of the members I met that day and felt tense, shameful, almost as if there was something more that I should do or say to make the situation comfortable, except having no idea what. It felt awkward. Following that, another member came to me and whereas I extended my hand to shake his, he instead went on and hugged me in a genuine way. I felt glad! However, at the same time, I felt as if I was in danger and retreat as soon as possible. After exchanging a brief hug, I started feeling sad and guilty because, the way it seemed to me, even though I wanted to, I wasn't able to return the genuine love he was offering. A thought cropped up saying that "I'm just an emotional vampire" and that "I'm not capable of giving love - just taking it." Quite unsurprisingly, suffering ensued. Moments later, I saw a young woman (also a drum circle attendee, who I happen to be considerably attracted to - she has the most wonderful smile) giving a prolonged, loving hug to the drum circle teacher. Seeing that, I felt a profound longing, almost as if feeling homesick after being away for years and years and wanting to return. Feelings of envy cropped up (sadness, weakness, powerlessness). I felt a pressing urge to escape, run away - and having reacted to it, I hastily said goodbye to them and left the building. They were still hugging at that point, and I don't think they noticed me say goodbye. This was such a subtle, one could even argue a trivial experience, but by far not the first and only. I feel that it is this mind pattern that causes me to be awkward and shy around people who, well, either show genuine love to me or have the potential to do so. You can imagine what this does to my ability to form not only sexual/romantic partnerships but also friendships. Whenever I feel loved - I have an obsessive urge to push the person away, and when I try to give/show love, I feel deeply ashamed of it, automatically assuming the other person will not really appreciative of it. Push-pull mechanism at it's finest, really. I theorised briefly when on the way home about why this could be the case, but the bottom line is that giving/receiving of love trigger feelings of pain, usually resulting in the activation of the fight/flight system, leaving me feeling depressed, emotionally cold, worthless and unwanted. Does anybody have any thoughts on how to deconstruct this dysfunctional mind pattern and 'regroove' it to something hopefully more healthy and positive? Does anybody have a similar experience? I'm looking for brainfood here, really, hopefully to gather some momentum towards positive change. TL:DR - I feel sad and ashamed of being ungrateful when being loved by other people, and feeling ashamed and apologetic when showing love to others. What do?

Sounds like a great slogan for some big company.

On another note, this reminds me of story about my friend. She once asked her meditation teacher on the nature of aniccha, the impermanence of things. This is what she asked: The teacher said he needs time to think about it. The next day, he answered this: Even though I do not completely resonate with his answer, it certainly is something to meditate upon.

This is is it. This is exactly the blaring contradiction that occurs. How the hell can this happen? How can nothing change when there's nothing to change? Funny you should mention maths, it was the philosophical error of infinite regress that made my mind go bonkers and arithmetic is one example of that error. And taking this principle to change... we get this bad boy. (here's a link to the article, it's a pretty interesting read https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/infinite-regress/)

Change is the biggest contradiction - it occurs even though it shouldn't. It does not make sense. How can it be? The mind cannot understand it. It is an infinite loop of creation and destruction. Every moment gives birth to the next moment, but any given moment cannot be a cause of itself, so another moment has to be created and the old discarded, dissolved. State of no-change, nirvana, cannot be attained, because there is no-one, no-essence, no-soul, anatta, to achieve it. It is the ultimate joke. How can something be true but false at the same time?

Yeah, I struggle with this too. I'm too scared to approach a woman I find attractive directly, out of fear of rejection. It's easier to say 'eh, whatever, she's not that hot anyway' to myself but then that frustration builds up. It's not nice when it vents. I noticed a belief that says 'being open with you intentions is a sure way to rejection,' and 'you have to hide your attraction' so I try to be subtle when getting to know a girl. It rarely works and when it does, the connection is weak. The stronger the attraction, the stronger the fear. Is it really all about the mindset? Do I just have to get to know girls and be open with my intentions until my mind starts to understand that there is nothing to fear?

I went on a date recently. It went alright, considering I haven't been on a date in ages. We went to play some minigolf, which turned out to be a great idea. It was fun. We connected easily, as we both had plenty of travel stories to share. Eventually though, that connection sort of... fizzled out. The conversation didn't lead anywhere, or rather I tried to impress her a bit too much with my travel experiences rather than simply sharing them. Eventually, we went back to the Uni to chat some more, and I felt like we haven't been as engaged in the conversation as much as I'd hoped. Maybe that was the part of the problem. She kept eyeing passerby people. She even commented on a guy passing by. I kept talking about boring stuff. How many times has anybody heard the question 'Have you gone home for Christmas?' Either way, the date ended on a tasteless note. Still, I'm interested in her and would love to meet her again. It has been tough to form connections even since I returned to the UK. Have I changed, or have I let the cold surroundings affect my character? Maybe both. That's why I would like to give it another go, meet her again, and let the ice melt. I feel plenty of expectations within me. I will let them pass. I have talked to my Indonesian ex-girlfriend many times recently. We share a great connection, better than ever before. I feel glad about it, but I get the feeling I am dependent on her emotional availability. It seems there is an unconscious belief of 'she made me happy when she was my girlfriend'. This equals 'I cannot be happy by myself' I find it hard to consciously try to attract women without being desperate. Should I try again despite this fact? Is this the correct way? It's uncomfortable as I'm becoming aware of my desperation. If I'm becoming aware of it, then yes, it has to be the correct way. I'm making progress. I haven't done pick up for the past few days. Going on that date filled me with a strong feeling of validation. 'The fact you went on that date means you're pretty much sorted,' the mind says We all know that thoughts are not to be trusted. I haven't actually achieved anything by it. I haven't grown an inch by it. Actually, I feel less confident now than I did before I went on the date. Work, music production in my case, has been a great distraction away from my sexual desire. Actually, the only reason I started producing music was to give an outlet for my sexual energy. Through it I was able to reach deep 'flow' states - intense moments of concentration, where there are no thoughts or feelings of desire for intimacy. It proved to be easier to focus on music than it is to focus on sexuality. It is less scary, more predictable. It is nothing but another means of escape. But it cannot substitute it forever. There will come a time when I will have to face these fears of an unknown territory. If that time is not now, then when? It has to be now.

Thanks for the useful tips Leo! i'll try to put them into practice this week. Especially the one with not drinking - for some reason, I always feel obliged to buy a drink in whatever club/bar I go to. The benefits are clear, you feel more confident, loose... the drawback is, you don't actually learn anything. The idea of saying whatever comes to my mind is fun! I'm pretty good at that at times, I can go off for tens of minutes calmly talking about the most absurd things. That is of course dependent on how anxious I feel at any given moment - if I care about what the other person thinks of me, I'm never able to do it genuinely. I got a bit disheartened this weekend honestly. I talked to my Indonesian ex-girlfriend at lengths about what I'm trying to do with pick-up and one thing became clear - there's a overarching theme of desperation when I try to go out to get girls and in the relationships I form here. She said 'You care about finding a girlfriend too much. Stop looking and it will happen.' I thought 'Well how is anything gonna happen if I don't look? I'll never take action. This is just girl's logic - stand around and wait for something to happen.' Well, turns out it's the one thing that prevents me from doing pick-up properly. I can still do pick-up. Just the intention will be different. I won't be out looking for a girlfriend or a girl to fuck. I'll just be out enjoying myself. Another thing I realised is that I'm pretty damn lonely. Southampton is a big city and the people are generally cold if I compare it to the other cities where I stayed for a longer time. Thus, at times I feel like I need to impress others for them to want to have anything to do with me. I've finished reading The Jungle Books yesterday and after reading the last story, where Mowgli returns to his mother, I felt it - I don't truly believe that I could be deserving of unconditional love. When I imagine myself in Mowgli shoes, I just feel angry and dejected. Like some sort of injustice was enacted on me. When I imagine somebody treating me with respect, love and kindness for no apparent reason, I feel angry and powerless. Typical nice-guy pattern, I know. It's the demons haunting me from childhood. It seems to me a bit out of place to be talking of these things when it's just pick up, and yet it's precisely these things that got uncovered as I try to do pick-up more and more. It also makes me want to give up, because now these uncovered complexes get connected with what I'm doing right now. I will NOT give up!!!

I mean, what do you think? I guess I do believe what you have written there - that life is one big struggle against suffering. I was largely basing this off Buddha's teaching, especially the words he said after attaining Buddhahood. Of course we could go for hours on trying to figure out what he meant by that. At the same time, I do believe that liberating yourself from craving will allow one to enjoy life without clinging to it. Also I should say that my opinions regarding this are largely based off what I heard in S. N. Goenka's lectures - those who sat a 10-day Vipassana course will know. It is difficult to break the beliefs I gained during those 10 days, as sometimes the ideas he presents in the lectures get tangled up with the direct experience gained during deep meditation.

Yeah, I get what you mean. It is very easy to see life as some sort of plague on the face of the earth. I know I'm guilty of believing that, and it reflects. The thing about it is that it's just theories that spiral out of control. They are do not have real basis on direct experience. The 'all life is suffering' theory I posted above is just a strange interpretation of what I experienced during meditation - that everything must pass, and then the brain just went to town with it!

Truth be told, I cannot answer these questions. I don't have the experience!