Roch

I’ve realized something about goal setting. You have to know how it fits into your day to day life. I can fantasize all I want about having a lot of friends, a girlfriend, not living with my parents and a high paying-job. I just can’t imagine how those things would fit into my day to day life, so they don’t happen. But I was able to not play as many mindless phone games. I didn’t try to quit or reduce my time. I just figured out that what I really like is repetitive activities. So I got into needle felting which is highly repetitive, but not on my phone. So I simply replaced a lot of that time playing repetitive phone games with needle felting, a more productive activity. I actually enjoy it more than mindless phone games.

So I’ve been getting into guided meditation lately. Sometimes when I’m doing guided meditation I kind of blank out on some portions of it. It doesn’t feel like sleep. I also notice time feels distorted. Like sometimes some sections seem longer than I remember. Is this getting into a deeper state or just sleeping?

I wouldn’t know this is happening if I haven’t memorized the meditation. It just felt like regular meditation with some time distortion.

I’ve been thinking of why I have such a bad fear of fear of failure. I’ve known about the fixed vs. growth mindset and I’ve definitely struggled with having too much of a fixed mindset. One of the reasons I probably have a fixed mindset is because of a terrible diagnosis I got in childhood. So as much as my parents might have tried, people’s fixed mindset about me rubbed off on them and it unfortunately affected the way they raised me. Like if I struggled with something they would just let me not do it or get extra help. Even though other kids were probably struggling to the exact same degree a lot of the time. One event that illustrated this was when I was roasting marshmallows. It was a bit of a nuisance at times, but I could deal with it. It’s kind of part of the fun. But my mom had to keep asking if I wanted help. I wanted to do it myself. This probably makes me sound super young, but I’m not. I’m just thinking about how much this has held me back. I’m trying not to blame my parents, but I do feel resentment towards this. I’m trying to overcome my fixed mindset and this explains why I have it. Basically if I struggle with anything I’ll always struggle. Which is why I tend to give up on things when I struggle. Even my parents brought that up as a personality flaw. But guess where it comes from? I’ve remember several times where I would be working hard at accomplishing something alone and someone would inappropriately help me. I also remember stuff like my younger sister making me win at card games that I could have won myself. So I pretty much have no real accomplishments. How the hell do people expect me to have a self esteem? All their attempts to make me have a self-esteem just made it worse. I guess I’ll continue working at achieving things and not letting other people’s fixed mindset get in my way.

As a kid I got in trouble for being aggressive and stage red. I attracted a bunch of stage blue friends who kept telling me how badly behaved I was. So I felt like the whole world looked down on me. I still feel like that, so I have no friends. I’m not as aggressive as I used to be, but I still get into internet fights and stuff. I also lash out if people barge in on me and otherwise violate my boundaries. It seems like no one respects my boundaries. Probably because they look down on me. Stage blue people drive me crazy to be honest. They always stare at me and love to talk down to me. I’ve also never been one to join religions. I'm no atheist or materialist either. I despise scientism as well. Both seem so limiting. I just have issues with rules and moralism. I know I’m also pretty selfish. So I’ve never been into charities or self-sacrifice. If I am stage red I probably need to move up, so people will stop looking down on me.

I don’t really have much issues with getting into fights anymore. What I meant by moving up is that I need to move up in order for people to stop talking down to me.

I got some acupressure. They particularly focused on my heart and after that I felt more passionate and less obsessive. I also notice being too obsessive makes my voice sound monotone and just weird and unpleasant. Since people can sense I’m off by the sound of my voice and the rest of my body language they treat me accordingly which makes me feel even worse.

It just infects everything. One moment I’ll be happily interested in something or have a regular concern and next thing I know I have an OCD obsession with it. Some topics OCD has infected include sexuality, health, fashion, music, mental health, spirituality and probably other topics.

For my whole life I’ve had to deal with my peers treating me differently. I haven’t really had friends because of this. I just can’t deal. What do I do with people who treat me differently? People are just so patronizing towards me. It makes it hard for me to get close to anyone who is “nice” because those people often end up being patronizing or overly caring. I don’t need to be cared for. What I most need is to be treated like an equal. But no one really does that with me. So I end up being alone.

People treating me like I’m younger or inferior. Or people knowing things about me in general. I feel nervous about people knowing what girls or music I’m into. Because it seems like everyone thinks their judgement is superior to mine. So I hide certain things to not deal with criticism or people questioning my judgement.

1. Mainly mistrust. I get suspicious when people act “nice” or “helpful.” Probably because when I was a kid I had too much red and people saw that as me being immature and a bad person. Not really at red anymore. 2. I feel like I’m behind at life and people treat me like I’m behind at life. I sometimes have semi-enjoyable interactions with people, but then they end up asking questions like what year I graduated high school(I had to drop out) or even my name. I just love it when interactions with people flow and they don’t know my name or where I am in life. I don’t know why I hate it when people know my name.

Cognitively I think I’m at yellow with some orange and green characteristics, but emotionally I’m a red struggling to make it to blue. I just can’t pin down my stage.

LOL. I’m a pretty big internet addict, but not as much as people here assume. I meant accordion the instrument and people in real life. Accordion is only one of many examples. I keep getting interests I’m embarrassed about and later lose motivation for.

Hi. I’m new on the forum, so I’m not sure if this is the right forum for this. For a while I’ve had this issue where I get interested in something, but extremely embarrassed about it. There’s other examples, but playing accordion is a good example. At first I was interested in listening to accordion music. It was embarrassing, but I could keep it a secret easily. At that point I had no desire to play and I thought it would be too much work to be as good as my favorite accordion players anyways. Eventually I felt extremely compelled to start playing accordion and I have pretty much no choice, but to play. It’s like an overwhelming urge to play it. So I learn to play. I get hypercritical of my skills. People around me compliment me on how I play, but a big part of me is still embarrassed about it. I just can’t own it. Eventually I lose motivation to practice. I’m pretty low motivation to begin with. How can I even be motivated to do something that I’m ultimately embarrassed about? I’m not even sure playing accordion or any of my other EIs(embarrassing interests) fit with my ideal self. Why do I even get these embarrassing interests? Should I find a way to stop them from happening since they might get in the way of me being my ideal self? Not sure how spiritual everyone is here, but is there some spiritual reason these interests even pop up? Why are they so all-consuming? I find I over-indentify with them and kind of try to separate them from my persona.

What does this have to do with my thread?

So a lot of sources say homeless or mentally ill people are beige. Most homeless people aren’t born homeless. They became homeless. Were they beige before? How about that model who became a nun or those countless other stories about people becoming extremely religious later in life? I know some of them were probably red. What do they even mean by “mentally ill”? Are they including anxiety/depression/aspergers?

I meant people in real life.