Roch

This probably applies to me.

I think I’m just starting to leave limbo. Not quite starting, but still fairly limbo-ish. I’m getting more into hobbies that require willpower and moving away from mindless internet use. I’m also doing more healthy things to relax like meditation or spending time outside.

I don’t care for MBTI. At least to describe me.

When I picture myself as having a lot of achievements I picture myself being arrogant. I’m scared of coming across as arrogant. I realized I just don’t have a clear picture of someone who is humble, but has achieved a lot. What are they like? Can you post any examples?

I don’t want enlightenment because it’s not normal. No examples of enlightened people seem normal to me. So what’s the point. I’m interested in personal development to move up to the level of normal and functional. Right now I feel below that.

I just want an in depth video on pity. Especially why it feels so bad to receive it or why pity happens.

Do you think spending time outside is a distraction or will genuinely improve my situation? I’m also wondering about the Hebrew stuff. I think studying Hebrew is a distraction, but it seems to give me more skills and motivation for life. Since I have a lot of junk thoughts I think some distractions would be healthy.

It seems like these thoughts about being behind in life always pop up when there’s general negativity going on. So oftentimes something annoying like the bus being late or not being left alone while shopping will bring up those thoughts. Those things have nothing to do with being behind in life except for being under the big umbrella of negativity. So it’s often not even seeing people ahead of me that makes me feel this way, just having an annoying day.

I am working on my circumstances, but I still feel like shit at times.

Not quite resonating with me. Another thing that bothers me is “Everyone has their own path.” So far my own path is not graduating high school and living with parents. Not liking where this is going. Doesn’t cheer me up one bit.

I feel behind in life and I feel like shit about it. None of the things people say to cheer me or anyone else up about this make me feel any better. They actually make me feel worse. The only thing that helps with this feeling is to distract myself. Like go for a nice walk, listen to some music I enjoy or study some Hebrew. I’m studying alone and mostly secretly. I find it an embarrassing language to study. I wrote a whole bunch of shit about studying Hebrew, but I erased it. I bet no one here really cares. The point is, Hebrew is a huge distraction for me. I was supposed to be writing about how behind I feel in life 1. “Everyone goes at their own pace.” This makes me feel like I’ll be behind forever and it doesn’t do anything to address how shitty I feel about being behind. 2. “Everyone does things their own way.” Again it doesn’t help one bit. As someone labeled with autism this just makes me feel like an autistic failure. 3. “You’ll find your own niche.” Ugh. This makes me feel like such an autistic failure again. No one who’s successful or normal ever hears this. I just want to have a normal job and eventually be successful and well paid. Not have some idiots feel good about themselves for finding some “niche” for me.

So I’m not entirely in a position where I’m able to help people. So at the moment helping people out isn’t a priority. I’m happy to help people when I can, but a lot of time helping people feels off. So I focus my energy on self-improvement. I seem to be getting good karma on self-improvement even though I’m not directly helping people. After I took a class on Buddhism I think I know why. My problems affect people around me negatively and in doing self-improvement I lessen those issues and make myself more pleasant to be around.

On the other hand I also love to provoke people and say controversial things. I also do a lot of trolling to provoke responses. What I mean by trolling is getting attention with controversial posts or stupid jokes. Not harass people. I kind of tell stupid jokes to provoke people in real life as well. I just hate to brag in real life or even online because people love to try to push me down one peg. Most of the time I just push myself several pegs down before anyone else has the chance to. When people give me the attention I want I notice my attention seeking behaviors and social awkwardness get reduced. I’m starting to spend less time with my mom because I always feel like she shuts down everything I say. Like when I’m excited she’s hardly ever excited for me. I just feel so drained around her. She wants to spend more time with me, but it’s hard for me. Other people can be like that as well. I always feel like I need an hour or two to recover from being around her. I find I’m more monotone and annoying when I spend time with her.

I’m mainly avoiding criticism. I just can’t handle criticism. It sucks. I manage to avoid a lot of criticism by pretending to be humble.

Yeah. I feel I get a lot of criticism when I act less than super humble. I really hate criticism, so I take steps to avoid it. Fake humility is the easiest and most effective way to avoid the terrible criticism I get. Can you talk more about Borat and Ali G? I’ve akways been fascinated by that show. Yes. I had a fairly comfortable childhood, but I had little validation. All my mom really focused on was what was wrong with me and how to fix it. Never on my accomplishments, especially stuff I worked hard on. I remember doing some difficult rock climbing on the school grounds. When my classmate’s mom saw her rock climbing she cheered her on. When my mom saw me all she could focus on was that I was wearing the wrong shoes. This isn’t the only incident, but it illustrates how my childhood was.