Thittato

45 min meditation today as well. Really great session. I've been cross-country skiing for two days in a row as well. Almost seems like this close to burn-out feeling I had is gone. Maybe boosting up on meditation, together with going into cross-country skiing was enough to get me out of some job-related winter-depression. I didn't ice-bathe this winter, which I have usually done to get a kick out of winter, but now cross-country skiing seems like a really cool winter-activity. I was visiting my doctor today, and I explained my situation, but it was impossible to be actually get anything out of him with the positive energy I came to him with, but I think the HR-department is where I'm going to get the counselling I need to better deal with my job-situation, so I guess I'm switching around from a victim of the situation to an empowered individual seeking out proactive ways of improving my job situation, so that is probably a very good thing. Anyways, I'm really impressed by how quickly meditation can improve my energy and state of being.

Cycling The same thing happens over and over again, and that is that I get into some kind of creative project for a short time, and then totally loose the energy I had on it. I have this phenomena in my life of cycling through various interests. Cycling is defined at dictionary.com as this: a round of years or a recurring period of time, especially one in which certain events or phenomena repeat themselves in the same order and at the same intervals. a sequence of changing states that, upon completion, produces a final state identical to the original one. one of a succession of periodically recurring events. a complete alteration in which a phenomenon attains a maximum and minimum value, returning to a final value equal to the original one. So I started one journal here about my explorations of music, and another one about naturalistic drawing, but now I'm just going to commit to see this all in the light of meditaton, as that is arguably my most important interest. It feels like I have these various sub-personalities that I alternate between, or that somehow if we compare this to computers, I alternate between various software / operating systems. One day I consider myself a musician, and everything is seen through the lens of how a musician would view his role and path in the world, another day I'm an aspiring visual artist and my whole value system revolves around that. And various other things. From a meditative point of view I think I would just view all this as loosing myself in identifications or mental thoughts, as they are just mind, and not really presence. So I think I just have to re-affirm my commitment to meditation and the cultivation of presence and acceptance of where I am right now in my life, in stead of continuing to buy into fantasies like this. Nothing wrong with pursuing any of these activities mentioned, and I probably will continue with them just as before, but in order to not loose myself in the mental fantasies about them the part about re-affirming my commitment to meditation is now made. Whenever I think something is my purpose and get really worked up about it, I always re-gain a moment of clarity when I sit down to meditate and re-discover that my deepest purpose in life is to keep my spiritual practice going. Meditated for 45 min this morning, and the freshness it gives me is really what I need these days. Everything feels so right when I feel this freshness :-) Meditation is really a project of re-generating my own energy from the inside. I'm looking very much forward to write down my thoughts on the meditative process here.

Yesterday: 1,5 hour of meditation. Today: 45 min of meditation. I woke up feeling really depressed about this job and my situation in life, but meditation really changed that. I think it is very important that I understand the instability I'm facing. I'm battling burn-out, but suddenly get some intense surges in energy thanks to meditation, but that doesn't mean the problem is over, so when I talk to my doctor and the HR-apartment it is important that I don't loose this overview if I go there during one of these surges in energy.

45 min meditation today, and 3 sets of kettlebell snatches. Holy smokes, I've been feeling close to burn-out for about two weeks, and then all it took was that 1,5 hour of meditation yesterday, and now I'm feeling really replenished. Some heavy frustrated and depressive emotional process that was in my body/mind system needed to get metabolized. But anyways, I will still seek out some kind of mentorship regarding how to better thrive in my job.

Professional challenges, close to burn-out, contacting my doctor, the HR-department and increasing my daily meditation. Two sessions of 45 min meditation today. I'm going through a challenging period related to my job, and my mind just keeps wallowing around in drama and the victim-role, so I need to increase my mediation to feel empowered again. I have also contacted my doctor and the HR-department, to see if they can help me with this. Basically the department I'm working in got transferred to a new building and a new role 3 years ago, and nobody is really satisfied with how our job changed, and this new job is burning up our emotional capital like crazy, and none of us have that spark in our eyes that we used to have, and all of this is starting to take its toll on me as well, so now I need to intensify the counter-measures to this situation. Maybe I need to leave this job and find a healthier place to be, but to begin with I hope to find a mentor that can coach me through this situation and make me feel empowered again. It is thanks to two really good sessions of meditation that I can think so clearly about this now, instead of just "I need to get away from this crazy shit!"

45 min meditation this morning. Very nice.

3 sets of kettlebell snatches today. Feels really good. I'm really staying with these kettlebell snatches, and it feels like my body is starting to stabilize into a higher baseline of confidence, strength and fitness. I have found something sustainable.

Yesterday: 3 sets of kettlebell snatches Today: 45 min meditation

45 min meditation yesterday, and 3 sets of kettlebell snatches today. Both were great.

45 min meditation today, and 3 sets of kettlebell snatches. This thing I have going regarding meditation and kettlebells seems to be holding up very well these days.

45 min meditation today. Very nice and peaceful meditation.

45 min meditation today as well. Processing of emotions and experiences lately, combined with a deep sense of peace. Very nice state.

45 min meditation today as well, and 3 sets of kettlebell snatches. I've been fluctuating a little with the meditation, a few days on and a few days off here and there, but the kettlebell snatches, approximately every second day, has been really solid.

45 min meditation today as well. Good flow.

Yesterday: 45 min meditation Today: 3 sets of kettlebell snatches

Saturday: 3 sets with kettlebell snatches Sunday: 45 min meditation Monday (today): 45 min meditation

20 min vinyasa flow yoga today. Really sweet. It is really interesting how the kettlebell snatches are tearing up the body, and then yoga helps soothe the way the body builds itself up again. Experimenting with two short programs like this feels like an existential sweet spot at this point. I'm looking forward to get both of these programs fully integrated into my body, and I'm not going to increase the load for a long time. Technique, form, and flow, over load.

3 sets of 10 kettlebell snatches on each hand with a 16 kg kettlebell, today. I was getting a cold a few days ago, so my exercise routine halted. This short little kettlebell program only takes 10 minutes, but it feels very powerful. I guess I'm thinking it is supposed to be like a little snack. Easy and compelling to do. Just like with that 20 min vinyasa flow yoga program I'm also doing.

Today: Warm-up, and then 3 sets of 10 kettlebell snatches on each hand with a 16 kg kettlebell. Basically I'm just doing one short kettlebell program, and one short vinyasa flow yoga program, these days, and I'm going to explore the synergistic effect of this, and to also really nerd on these two programs and really get the form and the technique really smooth and solid.

20 min vinyasa flow yoga today. I've been on another forum that is more specifically about vipassana-meditation for some time now, but I'm returning here because I'm returning to more physical body-based practices.

5th session of kayaking this season Went kayaking with a friend yesterday. Approximately 3,5 hours, including having lunch and hanging out on a beautiful island. This might be my last kayaking session for this year. Motivation is not what it used to be. But still it is pretty awesome. Here are the numbers I've logged here from these 5 years of kayaking: 2021: 20 sessions 2022: 30 sessions 2023: 11 sessions 2024: 9 sessions 2025: 5 sessions In total: 75 sessions

4th session of kayaking this season 1,5 hour of kayaking around two islands together with a nice friend. After that we went to the spa and did sauna, warm baths and cold baths. Super-nice. I'm also more active with yoga again, so I'm getting back into shape.

3rd session of kayaking this season So I haven't been active in journaling here lately, but today I felt like keeping up with one of the sub-aspects of this journal which have been my kayaking explorations, and how that relate to a meditative lifestyle. So kayaking has been starting slow this year as it was last year. During the first 2 years I was kayaking it was really, really explosive, so it has been sort of disappointing that I haven't been able or interesting in keeping up that explosive quality I went into it with during those first two years. Now I'm on my fifth year, and we are already far in to the season, and it has been very slow. But basically I've been a lazy slob for the last couple of months when it comes to physical exercise, but I did my 2nd session of kayaking for this season one week ago, and yesterday I did some kettlebell-exercises, and today with this amazing kayaking session I just had I feel amazingly strong and fit again. So maybe I should just stick with kayaking simply for the primary benefit of being a really awesome form of physical exercise. So I was kayaking out to an island where our local bhajan/mantra group was hanging out for the day and evening, and oh my gosh, it was so amazing to arrive there. They were swimming, jumping from cliffs, sun-bathing, having nice conversations, and we starting drumming and singing mantras and even went for a forest-walk. This was just really, really perfect. Coming there, good and warm from having paddled for 45 min in this perfect sunny weather, I just melted totally into the experience. When the leader in this group started playing flute I felt like I was at an ayahuasca ceremony. There where lots of other boat-people around us who where also out enjoying the nice weather and hanging out on this island, and they were clapping and cheering for the music we made, so it was like we had this really nice and appreciative audience for this pop-up event. I've been talking a more active role in both drumming and singing lately, so it was really nice to feel that I could influence this group positively with my energy today. And then when the time came to kayak back home it felt like bliss to glide through the water. Back in the house of the kayak-club, I took a nice warm shower, and ended it with a cold one. This is one of the absolutely most awesome experiences I've had of kayaking so far. So from feeling like a lazy slob only a few days ago, and even today before I decided to go to this event, to feeling super-empowered. Wow. This is the reason I've been taking it so seriously to also document my kayaking-project in the light of my meditation-journal.

45 min meditation today. Starting out in low level equanimity. Then some subtle boredom and resistance preventing the equanimity to mature. After first trying to bypass this resistance for some time, sort of like trying to script yesterdays beautiful meditation, I instead started turning towards this subtle boredom to objectify / own it, and after some time it melts away and then the equanimity starts to gain traction and deepen. Very nice.

1 hour meditation today. Really beautiful sit. Just letting the softness and peace permeate and infuse my whole being. Not trying to "lock in" on any state, just allowing whatever is there to breathe organically.